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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seems I am married to a manipulative bully after all who is always right and never apologises

122 replies

bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 14:09

Oh dear

I am so fed up of being undermined and blamed for things and generally criticised. Also being talked down to in front of the dc and guests.

I had thought our relationship wasn't going too well due to resentment and basic incompatibility about a year and a half ago. I asked him to leave 15 mos ago after things came to a head but after a heart to heart he said he did think highly of me and things would improve. That we would get on, parent the dc together for their sake even if we were not having an emotional relationship as such.

However, another row this morning over one of the dc activity led to me losing my rag[no dc present] and calling him a manipulative bully because he is always right, never sees anyone elses POV and likes to have his own way. I had told him I was ferrying dc to this actvity [last night and this am] and then heard him talking to ds this am "I thought I was taking you but she wants to take you so I'm not." Cue crestfallen ds and me like a lemon.
I said I'll only be a minute, was just trying to help and was going to brush my teeth, came back down and they were on the way to the car!! Without even telling me they were going.

I said I was taking him and we went but asked dh what he had done that for... this has happened before, to be told its because I "was in bed" and would have missed it Hmm

I asked him if I was reading the situation correctly to say he had not a good word to say about me and had no intention of getting on fairly for the sake of the dc.

This led to him calling me an obnoxious person telling me to piss off and to shove my reading of this situation up my backside because it was absolute rubbish.

This led me to telling him I want him out that this charade can't continue and wasn't helping anybody

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 07/09/2012 18:36

You need to check that what is permanent behaviour?

What does it matter? You are not happy. That's all that matters.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 07/09/2012 19:02

Just that because I was so angry with him over the DB thing, I guess some of his behaviour is a reaction to that, but by no means all.
I just wondered if I could alter his behaviour by drawing his attention to it calmly, not in anger. That he would change.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 07/09/2012 19:37

you need to ask how long he has been manipulative? a liar? using the kids like that? Bulling and agry?

Have you told him before? Often?

For how long did he change??

My h wasnt quite like this, but he was manipulative- he used to change for a week or three after a heap of rows, then back to square one.

They cant keep it up because they arent committed enough.

Mayisout · 07/09/2012 19:42

Just wondering how he speaks to his DM.
Going off at a tangent here but if men are disrespectful to their DMs they seem to copy this behaviour with their wives ime.

PooPooOnMars · 07/09/2012 20:04

What db thing? Im confused.

PooPooOnMars · 07/09/2012 20:42

Im wondering if you should just stop trying to understand his behaviour, explain it or find reasons for it. You can't change it or control it. You don't have to put up with it though.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 08/09/2012 01:00

I wondered if it is a reaction to the situation and what has gone before.. that maybe things could improve.

I could tell him tomorrow things have to improve and in what way and set a date say 1st nov and if everything is still bad then I will know.. he doesn't want to change , he is choosing for things to be like this

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 08/09/2012 22:29

He is going on a trip tomorrow to buy something.. a long car journey .I just presumed ds was staying home with me but he is going too.

I said next time, ask me first instead of arranging things with ds and then I just happen to find out the day before.

I got ds to go to town with him today so he would have spent time with him as he wouldn't see him tomorrow.. not realising he would be with him all day tomorrow!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 08/09/2012 22:35

Meant to reply to your post of 01.00am
I thought that sounded like a good plan.Wasnt sure if 1st Nov was too short a time span for him to have potentially changed all the things you want him to change.

JugglingWithBocciaBalls · 08/09/2012 22:37

Oh for some good, considerate, respectful communication. Is it too much to ask ?
Sympathies x

Original poster
bonhomiee · 08/09/2012 23:31

Yes indeed Juggling , if only

Had a chat with my friend.. she thinks he is unappreciative and doesn't give me credit for anything and it would be better if things were more harmonious but at the same time thinks ds will suffer if we split and he is helpful in other ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 15/09/2012 23:12

oh sugar
the shi*s really hitting the fan tonight
I really feel he's tricked me.. he had no intention of being nice and cooperative at all, he always intended it to be war.
All I wanted was peaceful a weekend, to unwind, spend time with ds and get some work done
just Sad ; -(

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/09/2012 23:17

Sad.How has he been behaving in the last week?

Original poster
bonhomiee · 15/09/2012 23:29

He is ok sometimes. he came home yesterday, all very moody and not speaking I asked what was wrong and he said to stop going on. Then when ds came home he was perfectly normal and nivce, just hostile with me, openly so.
Today a bit better ...surprise he did the activity trip...at first but scratch the surface and he is deliberately hostile, difficult and full of oneupmanship in front of ds. he just keeps arguing in front of ds and putting me down, rubbishing me and what I say.
I told him, he has tricked me, after all these years he could have at least been honest.. that when I asked him to leave and he begged to stay and he would be cooperative and hedidn't want to find a gf or get divorced, it was all a lie because the last 18 months have been just as bad and he has nmade no attampt to be straightforward and cooperative. he has just been manipulating to get ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 15/09/2012 23:31

I hate him so much and I hate myself for having given him chances, feeling sorry for him. Now he has rubbished me in front of ds and gained top dog status.. that was his aim all along.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 15/09/2012 23:49

well there has been a row and I am less than impressed and slightly shaken up [emotionally]. It seems to me he just doesn't care.. he is purposefully making my life a misery.
It is suddenly clear he is doing it all ON PURPOSE.
Really not sure whether to just go to sleep now or not,
I have an extremely demanding job and really needed some chill time this weekend.

I realise that I don't want to live in war, I never did. I told him that and asked for divorce, but he said he would change and it was just a lie and now another 18 mos have been wasted.

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 16/09/2012 00:09

Bonhomiee, how horrible. Don't know what to say, but I'm really sorry. .. Brew

Markingthehours · 16/09/2012 00:16

I'm so sorry you're going thro yet another shittty crisis this weekend. Try to get some sleep and promise yourself to think about it in the morning if you can do that.

I've just read through your thread since I last posted, and my stomach is actually in knots - it's all so very familiar to me - the competitiveness, the blame, the 'perfect' facade behind which is the nasty manipulator, and the twisting everything in front of DS. And the dealbreaker - I had one of those. I told him that if he didn't say sorry I couldn't fogive him and couldn't stay. He eventually did say sorry (after about 6 tortuous weeks) so I didn't go then but I knew in my heart that he wasn't sorry - he couldn't even really empathise enough to appreciate why he should be sorry.

I stayed another 5 long miserable years after that. He did the nasty-nice cycle and I got so confused I actually got to the stage where I couldn't work - I mean I went but I couldn't focus on it. I had a bit of counselling to clear my thoughts then planned my exit.

He won't change you know - the most he will do is try to charm you for a few days - weeks if you're 'lucky'. Then it WILL all start again.

You have to leave. For your sanity, for the sake of your DS. My DS was 13 when we went. It's been a slow steady process of undoing the bad attitudes - a great deal around respecting me because what he saw was teaching him that me in particular and women in general deserved and should be treated with no respect. But heaps better now. I left in the nick of time I think for DS.

Anyway - a very long post. But hope it might be a bit helpful to realise your H is a 'type', and not a nice one.

Hope you're ok and keep posting.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 16/09/2012 00:24

Thankyou, am trying to go to sleep now and not to cry.

OP posts:
Markingthehours · 16/09/2012 00:33

Bon - you will sort this out in a way that's right for you, and in your own time. But that's for tomorrow and onwards.

Tonight put all your stress and sadness in a metaphorical balloon and let it just float above you until you are ready to have another look at it. Sleep well.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 16/09/2012 00:45

I just remembered I bought the book and haven't seen it arrive?

OP posts:
Markingthehours · 16/09/2012 00:49

Oh no.... can you track it? Was it on amazon? Might not be him.

Homebird8 · 16/09/2012 01:10

That 'on purpose' is a big realisation Bonhomiee? I'm hoping you are getting some sleep and that morning will bring a little calm for you to work out what you want to do. Sending clarity and strength for you.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 16/09/2012 09:47

I need a commitment from him about what he is willing to do to ensure there is no further conflict in the house, only a positive atmosphere. That he has to cooperate and be supportive.If hecan't make it clear he can do this I will tell him he has to go, despite the fact that he cares well for ds when I am not here and that ds will then have his home life disrupted, one week here, one week there, something I had been trying to avoid obviously.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 16/09/2012 10:16

DS is obviously your first concern and you sound like a great mum. I think you're right to make this a break point though. If it goes one way DS will have a home with his parents and you will be respected giving him a better role model for being a man himself. If it goes the other then you can put that respect in place yourself and your H can reap what he has sown.