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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice - Husband wants to leave me and I am devasted

113 replies

ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 13:40

He told me on Thursday he no longer loved me and wants to leave. We have DS aged 3. He doesn't love me the way he did when we met and we are now just friends.

He loves DS dearly and no problem in that respect.

But I am devastated. I know that we have been going through a bad patch but I love him dearly and want to work through it some how. He is adamant that he wants to leave by the end of the month.

He is acting very calmly and level headed, and I am in pieces - crying constantly. He asked if we were having a family dinner tonight when he gets back. I said yes as I don't want to confuse DS.

I feel as though I have no close friends to confide to and I dont want to speak to my family as I think I will just breakdown (and if I ignore it it might go away).

What would you do?

OP posts:
PinkSchmoo · 03/09/2011 13:51

Toddlers, know you are in a bad place right now and just want to respond. I'm not really in a position to give any sound advice but you have come to the perfect place to get so much impartial support from some utterly fabulous woman.

I do think you should get some rl support going - yes you may breakdown but your emotions are valid and you have every right to express them.

GloriaVanderbilt · 03/09/2011 13:52

I'm really sorry Sad

Do you think he has someone else? It sounds like he's possibly got someone he's confiding in, if he's able to be so calm and cold about it.

You poor thing.

buzzsorekillington · 03/09/2011 13:54

I'm so sorry. Sad

You can't make him stay, however. Why isn't he going until the end of the month? Seems a long and cruel way of dragging it out.

Is there another woman in the picture with stuff of her own to arrange until then?

You might be better asking him to get out to a friend or family member's couch rather than trying to carry on as normal. Making it real for him could make him see what he's losing.

I think you should also get yourself down to CAB or a solicitor as soon as you can, so you know what you're entitled to and don't end up getting shafted.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 14:00

Thank you for the quick responses.

I am in two minds about the month - thinking it might give us some time to talk and maybe reconcile. But then feel that I can't go through this for a whole month.

It is actually his house in terms that he bought it etc, and TBH I dont want to stay if he does leave. I am just overwhelmed by the shock.

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 03/09/2011 14:03

If you're married and have a child with him, it isn't his house, it's joint assets. You have to think about your son having a roof over his head.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 14:11

Buzz I understand that I need to keep DS safe. And DS will always be number one priority throughout this.

But it isn't a home that we both choose - it was his choice etc.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/09/2011 14:14

I agree it sounds like he has someone else - the month is probably to give them time to sort out living arrangements so if I were you I would ask him to leave.

ameliagrey · 03/09/2011 14:16

yes, but it's till 50% your house if you are married and if you do divirce you would get 50% or more.

where does he intend to live at the end of the month- and why the delay?

It sounds as if he is making plans or has been planning this for some time- might he has a l ease to start at the end of the month- or is he moving in with anyone else?

I think you need a proper discussion- not sure hwo long you have been together but IMO people don't fall out of love or stop loving someone overnight- it's a slow erosion.

would he be willing to have couples counselling to talk through your feelings- even if you split it might help.

InTheArmyNow · 03/09/2011 14:17

Go and see a sollicitor asap. Ask if you qualify for legal aid too.
As someone said go to cab or have a look at the entitled website to see how much. you could be entitled to.
Situation will vary a lot depending if you are married or not how long etc...

Re him staying I would say do what feels right. He is very calm which suggest he had already worked through quite a few things. It also means reconciliation is more unlikely.
on tje ptjer side he is happy to move out and seems to be vety reasonable wich is good.

You. Need to give yourself time. You are likely to go through lots of emotions. But you will get there in the end.

shesgotherlipstickon · 03/09/2011 14:26

I think you need to be realistic here. He is all calm, wanting to carry on as normal for a month, whilst you are in bits.

This is cold, calculating and he has been planning this for some time. He hasn't just decided, he has had enough and is calmly leaving in one month.

He obviously has plans and has been working though this for sometime, no doubt with an OW. Hence the calmness and rigid timescale.

It sound very much, he is calm and has made his choice, begging for a reconciliation will only run you down more, it sounds like he is past that.

Tell him to leave, and if their is a sordid little affair going on, being homeless, may turn it into a bit of damp squib.

solikeme · 03/09/2011 14:26

What you posted is so similar to the position I was in this time last week. DH decided he was leaving me. We have sorted things now, however for a week or so it was very real and I was in total panic mode.
Is anyone else involved? Or has anything specific happened or is it more of a case of drifting apart?
If the latter then will he agree to go and have couples counselling (eg Relate) or something similar?
I spoke to the CAB as I am a SAHM with no income at all and was totally stressing about where to live etc.
They kindly pointed out that it was very early days, he hadn't actualy left and as the house is in joint names we are both responsible for it (so he couldn't just stop paying for it).

Try to stay calm (I know, easier said than done) and try to find out what is the root cause of this and whether he thinks you have anything left to salvage. Practicalities will come later, focus on trying to sort out your DH and you first.

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2011 14:31

I think it will be impossible for you to live with him during this month. That's asking far too much of you.

I'm sorry, but I think he has met someone else and they are co-ordinating leaving times.

I think you need to take control now. Tell him that no, he won't be staying for the rest of the month, that you want him out by next Friday. That gives him time to sort himself out. If he says it's his house, say that you will stay in the house until everything's sorted out. Don't say anything more than that.

You have to tell your family. Could you text them and tell them that way, so that you don't break down telling them? Could you text saying "X is leaving me. Can I come round to see you?"

I'm sorry, the problem won't go away, but if you have RL support you will cope. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 03/09/2011 14:44

You must speak to someone in real life. This is not going to go away. Whatever the reason for this you are unlikely to find out the full story right now.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 03/09/2011 14:48

Phone someone right now and get a real warm shoulder to howl on. You deserve it. Of course you are in bits, this is a horrible place for you to be.

glitch · 04/09/2011 15:03

How are you today ToddlersRFab? Are things any better or clearer today?

Charbon · 04/09/2011 15:06

I'm afraid there are only two questions worth asking when this happens.

Who is she and how long has it been going on?

So sorry for you.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 15:09

Toddlers - I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you :(

I hate to say it, but I agree with the others who have said there is another woman involved. Men very rarely leave until there is someone to go to :(

Stay in the house for now, tell him to leave immediately. You can deal with where you want to live later on. You can't live like this for a month.

It is hard to rebuild a relationship and it takes 2. Right now, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to do that. You have to accept that - as hard as it is.

Hug
x

catwalker · 04/09/2011 15:41

Any chance you could have a bit of a snoop to find out what's going on and who the ow is? Because there undoubtedly is an ow. He's obviously got someone lined up and living arrangements in place otherwise he wouldn't be level headed and calm. If he won't tell you what is going on, his phone might give you some information. Or does he keep it with him at all times .........?

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/09/2011 15:52

As far as I can tell the OP hasn't mentioned OW at all.

Sometimes couples just drift apart.

carlywurly · 04/09/2011 16:21

That's true, people do drift apart, but seemingly in a tiny minority of cases on here if we're an accurate representation of what's going on.

I thought my Xh had just fallen out of love with me, we'd run our course etc because that's what he repeatedly told me. He didn't mention an OW at the time either (do they ever?) I later discovered he'd lined up OW in the wings and I didn't stand a chance at saving our marriage when there was a shiny new model waiting to take my place. He never showed any emotion over the split either. It was all very clinical.

Sadly this sounds like an all too familiar script. OP, this is incredibly painful to go through, take all the RL support you can.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 05/09/2011 19:19

Thank you all for your kind words. He left on Sunday morning as I couldn't cope with him being around. I don't think there is anyone else.

I should have seen it coming, and I didn't. I am so stupid.... I love him dearly, have been horrid to him (he hasn't been perfect either) and now I have lost him. And I feel that I have ruined my sons future of a happy family life.

He is adamant that we will not have another chance together, he just says no when I ask if we can try one last time.

What can I do?

OP posts:
IWantWine · 05/09/2011 19:22

sorry... but I really think he has someone else....

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 19:37

I would bet my house there is OW

I am so sorry, but I think you will find the truth will out, or there will be a new woman very soon

Men don't just leave their families to be on their own

He has had time to process this, and a sympathetic ear (and other body parts) to lean on...hence the cool and calm exterior

Look, he will have been setting you up I am afraid. You say you have been "nasty" to him, was that in response to anything ? Did you sense him not engaging, pulling away, exhibiting more and more selfish behaviour etc etc

Classic infidelity trick. Justify yourself, and make the injured party feel it is their own fault. You have been royally played, and you need to get angry. Only then will you move on.

Please do not beg him for more chances, you will shatter your self respect even more.

It's about you and dc now. Everything you do/say has to be with you two in mind. He hasn't had you in mind for quite some time.

oliviasmama · 05/09/2011 19:41

I agree...sorry

ChippingIn · 05/09/2011 19:46

There will be another woman in the wings. I know it's hard to hear and that you don't want to believe it, but there will. He's following the 'usual script' you only have to read some of the relationships threads to see that. I am so so sorry you are going throught this.

You have not spoilt your sons chance of a happy future, if anyone has your H has. He is the one who has taken up with someone else, not you. No matter how 'badly' you were behaving he always had the option of talking to you and trying to resolve any issues that you had he chose not to not you. Besides - you son can still have a very happy future, just a different one than you had planned.

Most of us have regrets when a relationship ends - things we could have, should have and would have, had we known it would end like this :( Right now you can't see the wood for the trees (understandably) but in time you will see that you were just being a normal person in a relationship and he is the one who is at fault here.

What can you do? Nothing really. You have to accept that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore regardless of the why's and wherefores. Try to be strong, try to sort out the practical things and try to believe there is a future for you... and it can be a really good one. Many of us have been where you are and have lived to tell the tale and most of us are much much happier now :)

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