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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice - Husband wants to leave me and I am devasted

113 replies

ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 13:40

He told me on Thursday he no longer loved me and wants to leave. We have DS aged 3. He doesn't love me the way he did when we met and we are now just friends.

He loves DS dearly and no problem in that respect.

But I am devastated. I know that we have been going through a bad patch but I love him dearly and want to work through it some how. He is adamant that he wants to leave by the end of the month.

He is acting very calmly and level headed, and I am in pieces - crying constantly. He asked if we were having a family dinner tonight when he gets back. I said yes as I don't want to confuse DS.

I feel as though I have no close friends to confide to and I dont want to speak to my family as I think I will just breakdown (and if I ignore it it might go away).

What would you do?

OP posts:
missmehalia · 05/09/2011 21:22

Shame about wwifnormal, she was great. But so are many others... MN really can be a life saver, Toddlers, when you need to explore the 'whatifs' endlessly in your head. Don't agree anything re access etc until you've had time to seek professional, independent advice! At risk of repeating myself, do not agree anything with him on the spur of the moment or let him pressure you into anything. (If he's feeling guilty, he may try.) Don't allow him to come and go either, though I think there are legal implications to changing the locks. You need to take back some control..

The nursery thing is a choker, I agree, but see if you can get together with another parent who's going along on their own and head in together. Or invite another family member? Don't know what local support you've got.

I did that bit on my own with DD1, yes it was hard but not impossible. It might be timely, give you some time to cry/make plans/ empty the joint account etc.

It must all have a nightmarish quality to it right now, but don't worry, this whole thing will continue to evolve, it won't stand still.

Thinking of you...

missmehalia · 05/09/2011 21:25

As regards access, also think it's a good idea to remain calm and listen to what he's asking for and say you'll need time to think about what will suit you. Be seen to be reasonable (!) even if it chokes you inside somewhere. It may be important later for all kinds of reasons... but make sure you have your own support and outlets.

If poss, try not to spend too much time alone.

goatinacoat · 05/09/2011 21:34

I miss WWIFN. I do hope she comes back.

Toddlers, it is horribly sad, you'll need to go through a kind of grieving process for a while. Be prepared to feel all sorts of emotions, it's normal.

I do empathise. I have ds' first day at school this week, (and will be taking him alone while his father takes OW's dc to school) and occasions like that really intensify the feelings of loss. It's not at all what I'd have chosen, but it was out of my control. Somehow you just learn to deal with it, and realise that many other capable, lovely women are in the same position, and they're moving on with their lives. It's far from unusual these days, sadly. You will be happy again, it will just take time and adjustment to get there.

goatinacoat · 05/09/2011 21:36

I really like that point missmehalia makes - it all continues to evolve. So true, thank goodness.

sundayrose10 · 05/09/2011 21:42

So sorry you're going through this. You will get great support here. The women here are amazing and you will get through it.

Why WWIFN left, I will never know (I know of the situation) that woman spoke the truth from the heart. If she wrote a book I would buy it. Come back lady.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 21:44

I like to think wwifn is writing that book, right now Smile

Jemma1111 · 05/09/2011 21:44

Sorry for what your going through.

You need to stay strong and think of only yourself and your DS now. As others have said, you really should seek legal advice asap and find out your rights.
Also, your H will no doubt keep popping back to your home at the moment when he knows your'e out, so if I were you I'd make sure that the things you cherish or want in the house, photo's etc, aren't left for him to be able to take.

Remember, take everything he says with a pinch of salt for now, he may well promise that he will help you out, pay a decent amount of child support etc, but in reality, the minute he 'shacks' up with someone else you may have to fight for your money.

Take him for everything you can!

sundayrose10 · 05/09/2011 21:54

I hope so AF, I really do hope she also comes back. Smily face. typing with one hand

Charbon · 05/09/2011 23:36

OP you said he told you all this on Thursday and then on Sunday asked you if you would be making a family dinner for "when he gets back". Was he away for a few days then - and did he drop this bomb when he didn't have to look you in the eye? If so, where was he?

PotPourri · 05/09/2011 23:52

Where is wwifn? She was fab. What happened?

OP - so sorry for your situation. IMO you need to get RL support. And sort out your finances etc. Both are essential so that you are in control. You can have a happy future, and it could still be amicable with your son's dad. But for now, focus on protection your little unit of 2 both financially and emotionally.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 00:00

PP, I have pm'ed you

missmehalia · 06/09/2011 08:52

How you doing today, Toddlers? You were on my mind last night. Do hope you managed to get some rest. You must be terribly shocked..

AF, can you remember the book that wwifn used to recommend? Wish I could remember. Someone on MN must know. It can help to have a stable and objective focus at times like this.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 08:59

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass ??

missmehalia · 06/09/2011 09:12

Aha!! Well done you. Although I'm not sure OP would want to 100% assume there's another woman on the scene unless there's confirmation. There's only so much any person can cope with at once... and I do understand that. So maybe it's not a book for now.

One day at a time, OP.

catwalker · 06/09/2011 09:53

Many years ago, pre-marriage, I was in a long-term serious relationship with someone who suddenly withdrew emotionally and then announced that, while he still loved me, he was no longer 'in love' with me and that we should therefore part. The grief of losing someone I loved was exacerbated immensely by the mental and emotional turmoil caused by his unfathomable behaviour. I simply couldn't understand how such a lovely and loving person could suddenly become so cold and distant for no logical reason. I struggled on in this pain and confusion, examining my past behaviour to try to work out why I had suddenly become so unloveable, until a kind friend of his gently told me that he had formed a relationship with someone else before detaching from me. Everything fell into place and, while the pain of losing someone I loved remained for quite a while, the mental and emotional confusion I had been experiencing stopped.

Missmehalia - Don't assume that the OP will feel worse when/if she discovers that an ow is the reason for her dp's behaviour. It really is the height of cruelty to turn someone's life upside down and not tell them why.

mummytime · 06/09/2011 10:52

Please start to make a list and start to take baby steps.
I would start with money. Make sure your H cannot clear out your bank accounts, if possible put a freeze on savings accounts, having made sure you have access to enough money to live on for now.
Next make sure all important documents are safe and cannot be taken. If he still has access to your house then give them to a friend you really trust or your parents or another safe place.
Go to the CAB and get advice. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get some legal advice. Talk to any friends who may be able to recommend a good one.
Look after yourself, and your DS.

We're here to listen and advise.

missmehalia · 06/09/2011 12:32

Cat, I suppose I was only trying to say that I didn't want to assume anything at all. One of the things that make me uneasy about threads like this is when people try and 'move' the OP through a situation or process far too quickly, making all kinds of assumptions. Of course this sounds like a familiar scenario to some of us, but I'm just trying to think about what would/could be most helpful and supportive to the OP.

Who knows how/where she's at right now with all this. There's an awful lot to be done and processed just with the info she has on the table...

RedGreenBlue · 06/09/2011 12:43

AnyFucker Mon 05-Sep-11 19:37:22
I would bet my house there is OW

AnyFucker Mon 05-Sep-11 20:29:33
nobody said it was a given [that there is an OW]

This is all just unnecessary. OP won't get any benefit from worrying or getting angry about why DH left - she needs help and support, not pointless speculation.

buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 12:59

Actually it is very helpful to find out a solid reason for a split, such as another woman, because at least the anger and hurt has a direction other than all directed internally, which can be soul-destroying.

Something solid to hang your hat on as the reason it all went to shit can be very useful indeed.

RedGreenBlue · 06/09/2011 13:08

@buzz

Fair enough, but let the OP call the shots there. Of the 70 or so posts, 20-30 are:

"Oooh, I wonder if there's an OW"
"There's probably an OW"
"I bet there's an OW"
"Men don't leave unless there's an OW"
"There's definitely an OW - I guarantee it"

Which is cock-all use to anyone.

moonstonezoe · 06/09/2011 13:50

catwalker the situation you describe has happened to a very dear friend of my family.

Her H insisted that he had just fallen out of love with her. He kept the lie up for months. She retained false hope that they would be reunited when all along he had set up home with the OW.

Toddlers your H has had time to plan his new future, you have been hit by a bombshell and need time to recover from the shock. I hope you have now told friends and family who can help you.

Be brave, get legal help. Take care of youself, do not heap blame on yourself. If he was not happy in the marriage he should have come to you and worked through it, he made vows to this effect.

I hope he will be able to communicate honestly in time.

My friend has made good progress in the last two years since the break up of her marriage. She is young like you and has a young DS.

She has recently met someone special, although she still wishes that her H had remained the man she originally married and had not morphed into a stranger seemingly, overnight.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2011 14:32

I am also sure there is an OW and to the posters saying it's cruel to say that - WTF! We are trying to help not hurt the OP.

Two separate friends of mine went through months of hell, both their dh's left denying affairs and implying that it was the wives' faults for lack of affection/attention blah de blah de blah. One of these friends had a breakdown and took six weeks off work.

Both the guys were lying, both had other women. Both my friends wish so much that they had known this and saved themselves so much self flagellation and so much false hope.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2011 14:33

(Sorry OP, my heart goes out to you)

RedRubyBlue · 06/09/2011 14:58

So sorry OP it is just shit.

Keep calm which is very, very difficult but breathe slowly through your nose if you feel panicky/tearful.

Do not phone him unless you have to then keep it brief and to the point.

Avoid alcohol at all costs.

Keep busy and out of the house as much as possible.

Start gathering your friends/family around you now as you will need them around you for support no matter what happens. I discovered wonderful neighbours I never knew I had because I never bothered to look.
Three of them are still amongst my closest friends and I find it sooo strange to look back and laugh about those dark days.

Start keeping a diary of your day, everytime he calls, visits, misses visits, what is he doing for money? Has he booked a holiday? What has he spent on credit/debit cards? I found doing that very, very useful.

Good luck OP and I hope you are ok.

RedRubyBlue · 06/09/2011 15:05

Also forgot to say;

Do not accept whatever 'blame' he decides to throw at you. In my experience the next step for the man is to become defensive and try to detract from the fact that leaving was his decision.

I hope it does not happen to you Toddlers but be ready for that and have a reply handy.