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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice - Husband wants to leave me and I am devasted

113 replies

ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 13:40

He told me on Thursday he no longer loved me and wants to leave. We have DS aged 3. He doesn't love me the way he did when we met and we are now just friends.

He loves DS dearly and no problem in that respect.

But I am devastated. I know that we have been going through a bad patch but I love him dearly and want to work through it some how. He is adamant that he wants to leave by the end of the month.

He is acting very calmly and level headed, and I am in pieces - crying constantly. He asked if we were having a family dinner tonight when he gets back. I said yes as I don't want to confuse DS.

I feel as though I have no close friends to confide to and I dont want to speak to my family as I think I will just breakdown (and if I ignore it it might go away).

What would you do?

OP posts:
missmehalia · 06/09/2011 15:23

Proud, don't know if anyone was saying it's cruel, only that the OP will be on a certain page right now, and may be only able to deal with what she's been presented with so far. I think we're all in agreement that we're trying to be sympathetic and supportive, and that we're encouraging her not to blame herself but to nurture herself. And not to allow her H to blame her either...

smilesy · 06/09/2011 15:33

Toddlers hope you are ok. My exh told me 10 years ago that he didn't love me anymore. We have 2 DS who were 5 and 3 at the time. I was in bits and felt as if my world was about to implode. I was very scared and anxious for the future. In my case, there was an OW but looking back now I feel that this was maybe an excuse for him to get our of our marriage. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we tried to save our relationship for a year (probably the worst year of my life) but eventually he admitted it was over for him. After much heartache I decided that the only way for me to get back on track was for him to leave and for me to try and move on. I was terrified and sad of course but gradually I began to feel more confident and in control of my own destiny. 10 years later we have both re-married (me to a wonderful man I have known for many years and him to a very nice lady who is not the original OW!) and we both have young DS. We have kept in touch because of our (now teenage) DS and are good friends.

Sorry this is long but what I am trying to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though it seems like you will never get there sometimes. What I found really helped was when I felt I had taken back control of my life and no longer allowed my ex to call the shots.

I know I am lucky in that ex and I have remained friendly and I also know that this has benefited my DS. I hope you can stay on reasonable terms as it really does help both with DC and your own dignity, even though it can be very hard at times.

good luck!

MigratingCoconuts · 06/09/2011 16:49

How are you doing today?

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 06/09/2011 18:35

Thanks for your concern. I have told a couple of friends and they are coming over tonight for a chat. Also H's family are being very supportive towards me and DS, which is helping tremendously.

I will ring a solicitor tomorrow and make an appointment.

Still cannot believe that he can be so positive about this whole situation and expect me to be the same. Its like we have never been H & W and are just acquaintances!

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 06/09/2011 18:47

Really pleased you've spoken to people in RL, that will be a huge support. Really pleased that you are seeing a solicitor. You need all these people looking out for you now.

He's being really selfish and self absorbed at the moment. It's part of how he is dealing with it but it is one of the reasons that you cannot trust what he is saying to you. He has this all figured out in his head and cannot/willnot accept that his truth is not the same for you.

Sending you un mum'snetty hugs!

missmehalia · 06/09/2011 18:59

Yay, well done!

ChippingIn · 06/09/2011 19:06

I'm really pleased you have some RL support - MN is brilliant (especially in the middle of the night!) but having people who can actually help you out & most importantly be a ear to chew or a shoulder to cry on are invaluable.

Chandon · 06/09/2011 19:11

Well done for getting some support.

men who leave like this, ALWAYS have an OW. But he may never admit it.

So that's why he can be so sure it won't work with you, and that's why he has been so calm.

This doesn't change the situation for you, but it is relevant in that it shows you that begging him to try again won't get you anywhere.

OW or not, he has behaved like a total dick, and I am really sorry this happened to you....bloody men!

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 19:13

He has to treat you like an acquaintance so he can live with himself. That is very cruel, but very common.

I am glad you have some RL support...it is absolutely essential . Lean on those around you, while not expecting anything from him.

smilesy · 06/09/2011 20:12

Glad you are getting support from friends and Hs family. Going to see a solicitor is a good idea. I went to see one fairly soon after exH and I split up and she gave me some good advice about how I could proceed but advised me to think it over first and not rush into anything. She also did not charge for this initial "chat" as she put it, so hopefully you won't get charged either!

missmehalia · 06/09/2011 20:22

One of the millions of reasons it's great you've got RL friends & family to help is that they can help with DS - take him/both of you out, have you round, etc so that the heat is taken off you somewhat to 'suddenly single parent'. It is very tough if you are feeling tearful/wobbly/furious and he is looking to you for so much, and having others around can help give him what he needs too.

Have someone to stay for a day or two if it helps!

And good luck for tomorrow at nursery - DS may be really excited, and I know how tough it can be to nail a smile to your face and have to mask what you're feeling. Go and meet a friend asap afterwards if poss..

steelchic · 06/09/2011 21:26

Please Please don't blame yourself
You are not to blame.
I'm so sorry I agree with the others. I'm 100% sure there is an OW. I know it's hard to think this but your story is so similar to mine and I'm sure to others. When I first found MN i was in denial, I could not accept my H was having an affair, when I found out he was I blamed myself. They seem to have this knack of passing the blame/guilt on to us.
I wish I had listened to the advice I was given earlier than I did. I remember Anyfucker being what I thought at the time was harsh. But her words now ring true. If I had listened at the time I would have saved my self months of heartbreak and humiliation.
While I blamed myself and was trying so hard get him back, trying to change etc etc (at first he denied anyone else, then when I found out about her he played it down saying she wasn't important) BUT all this time he was planning a new life with the OW buying a house with her (2 miles from our family home) and now the final humiliation getting her pregnant.
Please try to move on you are worth more
xxx

goatinacoat · 06/09/2011 21:46

Bloody hell, steelchic, are you me?? That's spookily similar. Sorry you had to go through it too. Sad

steelchic · 06/09/2011 21:57

Hi
Goatinacoat, whats your story, sorry if you've went through this too, was it recent or longer (please tell me it get easier)
Sorry to hi-jack your post Toddlers xx

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 21:59

steel I am so sorry you had to experience that Sad

steelchic · 06/09/2011 22:10

Thanks Anyfucker I should have listened to the advice given at the start, but at least I know what he is capable of now re the lies, we even went to couples counciling !!! now I will never look back and say "If only I'd tried" It's sad because the man I married is long gone and he has been replaced with this selfish compulsive lier xx

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 22:13

Hardly anybody listens at the time, steel. I didn't.

When you love someone and desperately want to make it work, you can convince yourself of anything. And of course, when your partner is a devious lying twat, that doesn't help either.

goatinacoat · 06/09/2011 22:46

Steel, the affair was a couple of years ago now, and the break up was preceded by an absolutely awful year of me trying to change, trying to be perfect, going to useless Relate sessions and overlooking some god awful behaviour just to try and keep the family together. He withheld all affection, and was absolutely vile - it was pretty much emotional abuse by the end.

Because of some health issues with one of the dc's, I was terrified of being left on my own with them and being able to cope. They were tiny at the time,I didn't know what the prognosis was and my family were hundreds of miles away. H had moved me a long way from my support network of friends and career, and then took a job back where we'd came from and started an affair (or 3, as it turned out) there. He denied anything was going on with OW for so long, but I eventually caught him (with the help of her XH!). The relief of knowing I hadn't been going mad was immense. All the weird behaviour suddenly had an explanation.

Fast forward and they've got the idyllic house, and the baby is on the way. Meanwhile, he hasn't bothered to call his own dc on his first day at school. Sad It does get easier in many ways, he was so useless at helping around the house when he lived here, I barely noticed when he went. I have a lovely DP now, who I can't imagine ever being as hurtful as XH.

RedRubyBlue · 06/09/2011 23:03

Every single bloody bell was ringing like Big Ben but I hoped I was wrong.

That was 8 years ago and I cannot believe I was the one sobbing on the floor.

It was so bloody mind crushingly fecking awful.

It took a while and some bloody good friends and a great boss who picked me up and pointed the way forward.

It will take good friends/family and take the advice from MN's who have been there and come out to look at the light.

Toddlers

It will get better.

Trust us who have been there.

steelchic · 06/09/2011 23:55

Goat
I can't believe how similar our stories are.
I too had an awful year before he left. No affection etc, he made me feel totaly worthless. unattractive I though it must be me that was making him unhappy. I was also scared of being without him. We have 3 DC's 11,7 & 23 (from my prev relationship).
I'm coping ok on my own although it is hard working and doing everything else, kids clubs (they have something on every night) But he worked
away alot so I did most things even when he was here.
He has never told me anything he is a coward. I found out he had rented a place (while he still lived here) he moved out when I found out. I also found out he had bought a place when his lease expired and I guesed she was pregnant and made him admit it. (he actually said he didn't know how far on she was when I asked LOL) what a coward.
His relationship with the kids is going downhill. They know nothing about her never mind her living with him and being pregnant, he has told so many lies to them now he is faced with having to tell them the truth and he can't do it. (our oldest 23yrs knows and she has washed her hands of him) The 11 year old I think knows more than she lets on, she is a smart cookie and she has had a few arguments with him as he expects her to run into his arms everytime she sees him and she's not having it. She deleted his number from her phone. The youngest is oblivious to everything although he has slept in my bed everynight since he left in Feb (he keeps asking me to let dad come home). So it's a right old mess and it will get worse when the kids know the full story.
I'm glad you've moved on and things are working out for you. You deserve to be happy (and remember they say what goes around comes around)

xxx

carantala · 07/09/2011 00:22

Hi, Toddlers! So sorry that you are going through such an awful experience! Thinking of you - you will cope with MN. Best wishes

carantala · 07/09/2011 00:28

Sorry! Meant to say that you will cope with the help of MN. Again, best wishes

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 15/09/2011 00:20

An update - YES all of you who said he had someone else were correct - she even stayed at the house on Monday night while I was away with business!

They drank all my wine and left the glasses in the dish washer. The CCTV showed her arriving after my DS had been put to bed - but she was still here when my H took him to nursery. They both took the day off work and obviously fucked in the house all day!

OP posts:
friggFRIGG · 15/09/2011 00:46

im so sorry toddlers,what an absolute bastard.Angry

Nippysnippy · 15/09/2011 00:48

What an absolute shit.
You must be so angry.
Well at least you know the measure of this spineless twunt.
Channel that anger into moving onwards and upwards.