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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice - Husband wants to leave me and I am devasted

113 replies

ToddlersRFab · 03/09/2011 13:40

He told me on Thursday he no longer loved me and wants to leave. We have DS aged 3. He doesn't love me the way he did when we met and we are now just friends.

He loves DS dearly and no problem in that respect.

But I am devastated. I know that we have been going through a bad patch but I love him dearly and want to work through it some how. He is adamant that he wants to leave by the end of the month.

He is acting very calmly and level headed, and I am in pieces - crying constantly. He asked if we were having a family dinner tonight when he gets back. I said yes as I don't want to confuse DS.

I feel as though I have no close friends to confide to and I dont want to speak to my family as I think I will just breakdown (and if I ignore it it might go away).

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 05/09/2011 19:47

Anyfucker, I know what you are saying, but if I had been more engaged with him then this wouldn't have happened. I have been so stupid.

OP posts:
Northernlurkerr · 05/09/2011 19:48

I agree too. OF COURSE there is another woman. There always is when men turn round and say they don't love their wives anymore. Something squeezes love out - and it's usually another partner. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's horrible behaviour but usually it's sex.

Throw him out. Call your family - you need support and if you breakdown - well why shouldn't you. Your husband is supposed tobe cherishing you not breaking your heart. His actions have consequences and he will need to face them

Do you get on well with mil? If so tell her. Why shouldn't you. That's always very interesting. I know of one mil who remained engaged and interested in her sil when his wife (her dd) ran off with another man. The relationship has continued as one of mutual affection and support. Equally I know a mil who when told that her son had abandoned his wife and two young daughters for another woman, simply said that she always thought his marrage wouldn't last!

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 05/09/2011 19:50

ChippingIn I know that I need to accept but I dont even know where to start. I know that I need to plan for DS and my future, but I need to come to terms with it all first

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 20:01

*Anyfucker, I know what you are saying, but if I had been more engaged with him then this wouldn't have happened. I have been so stupid.^

Please don't say this Sad you can only act on what you were told and if he never said he was thinking of leaving and that you both needed to work on things then...how could you have known?

here will be another woman somewhere. There usually is. This calm calculated behaviour is well known round these parts.

You are getting excellent advice here. Go see a solicitor and change the locks!

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:02

No, love, you couldn't have prevented this

Only he could have prevented this

Don't buy into his script

MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 20:03

I need to accept but I dont even know where to start

start by finding a RL friend/family member to talk to. You need all the support you can get.. support out there than you ever realised.

goatinacoat · 05/09/2011 20:04

As a priority I'd start taking copies of all your joint documents - financial details, bank statements, pensions, savings policies etc. Don't delay on this, you may well need them.

Book yourself an appointment for some legal advice, just to know where you stand.

I know this is so much to take in right now, I really do, but it's so important you protect yourself. If there does turn out to be someone else involved, it's amazing how much priorities shift for these men.

And get a friend or family member to help. Anyone who's been through something like this will want to help you. I know I would.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:10

As bad as ths sounds, you do need to start making some steps to protect yourself financially

Remember he seriously has the march on you

And if there is an OW, she may possibly be the one pulling the strings

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:11

Many a reasonable man forgets all his promises to support and cherish you, once they leave the marital home

maleview70 · 05/09/2011 20:12

It wont always be that a man has another woman. I know for a fact that If I ever left my wife it would not be for another woman. I would leave because I wasnt happy and wanted to be on my own.

However I am on 2nd marriage and have had time on my own before so wouldnt scare me.

There is a good chance another woman may be involved but its not a certainty!

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:13

Nothing is a certainly, that is true

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:13

certainty

ameliagrey · 05/09/2011 20:17

I think it is especially cruel to the OP to try to insist her DH has another woman on the side.

No one knows.

It's not helpful to pile on more agony, based on supposition.

I know a man who left a 2nd marriage for no one and was on his own for many years.

There is not always another woman.

OP- if you can, talk to your family nad arrange to see someone for legal advice. You are in a strong position with a small child. But get some help. And don't plead with your DH- you have more chance of him coming back if you toughen up and show him that you can manage perfectly well without him.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:23

the "cruel" one here is this poor woman's husband...not the posters trying to support and warn her of the fact that there may be some more
very crushing revelations to come

some women may, if left in this way, take comfort from a concrete reason for such a change of heart in her previously-loving husband, and the coldness with which he has been recently treating her

just a thought

MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 20:24

Not trying to be especially cruel. But in all examples I have known, there always was except in one case.

There are never certainties but to leave so suddenly without any effort to try to work on the marriage looks very much standard practise to me.

In my experience, the pain of all this is lessened once the woman who has been left begins to take control and protect herself. That is all that is meant by the advice given here.

ameliagrey · 05/09/2011 20:27

true AF but some woman may find the notion of the OW a step too far to contemplate.

The point is- none of us know. So I don' think the OP should be led to believe it's a given.

Northernlurkerr · 05/09/2011 20:27

Of course it isn't cruel. Cruel is declaring you don't love the mother of your child and announcing you'll be leaving at a time convenient to you.

missmehalia · 05/09/2011 20:29

What goat said. So, so, sorry OP, it could happen to almost any of us. Relationships are hell when they're going badly. Don't sit at home thinking the rest of the world is all 'roses round the door' and you're the only one going through this.

I recommend protecting yourself legally as the highest priority. Agree to nothing with him. Don't allow him to manipulate you. Don't discuss your (now) private life with him, leave a big, big space. Crying and clinging to him will just ultimately lead to you feeling more rubbish.

I do realise it's awful that your best bet is to behave so cool-ly with someone you promised to spend your life with, but this is his doing.

Don't forget how vulnerable you are right now, look for rl support where it is available (not mutual friends, btw.)

I agree with those who say 'don't protect him'. I do realise it's easier to pretend it's not happening if you don't tell anyone, but you do/will need support.

Horrible times. Do have a look at some of the relationships threads, some of them are as anti-men as you can get but some posters on there talk a lot of sense, particularly whenwillIfeelnormal. It can be comforting.

In the practical 'now' sense, buy some new sheets for the bed and new PJs. Accept that things like sleeping and eating might be difficult but will get better. Create your own stability, and try not to live for contact with him. Evidently his focus is currently elsewhere..

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:29

nobody said it was a given, just a high probability for poor Op to think about

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 20:31

missmehalia wwifn has not been posting on MN for some time

pamplemousserose · 05/09/2011 20:36

Make sure you make the banks you hold any joint accounts with aware.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 05/09/2011 21:01

I am just so terribly sad about this. I will get the courage to face this head on and let people know.

I know that I need to start putting wheels into motion as well. How do you even begin on agreeing access etc?

Our DS starts at nursery school on Wed and I am in tears that we will not be doing it together

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 21:04

I am so sorry x

MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 21:06

you'll always find support here.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2011 21:17

You and DS will be a strong unit.

It's probably better for only one of you to take DS to nursery anyway, otherwise it does tend to make it A Big Deal and upsetting for DS - irrespective of this going on.

I know it's all beyond awful :(

Access - well, he needs to say when he would like to have DS and you need to decide if that suits you or not. It's really good if you can calmly agree between you what is best for DS.