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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be sick of being hauled over the coals?

122 replies

charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:32

My dp is constantly bringing up my past. Things that happened before I met him. He asks me in detail about ex's etc and if he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.
I am exhausted with it - it feels like emotional abuse. It is wearing me down something chronic

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/07/2011 11:33

It is emotional abuse.

pictish · 22/07/2011 11:34

It is emotional abuse OP.

Vix1980 · 22/07/2011 11:36

How long have you been with him for? He does sound like a bit of a insecure control freak to be honest that is living in your past. i think id have a think whether i wanted to be with someone whose like that, if you do then sit him down and tell him your past ir YOUR past, nothing to do with him, Im sure he wasnt a hermit up until he met you, he must have some things from his past he'd rather not talk about.

If he not willing to try then you know he's not worth bothering about, as the chances are this will always be an issue for him. He's obviously getting jealous about something, maybe 1 of his ex's cheated on him which made him so insecure, if so thats HIS problem not yours and he has to deal with it on his own!

mushroomsandolives · 22/07/2011 11:37

Agree with last 2 posters. Emotional abuse. I had this in a previous relationship and I didn't realise until I was out of it just how ridiculous and exhausting it was. What does he think he'll gain from asking you about all that stuff? I don't understand how the mind is working here.

pictish · 22/07/2011 11:37

He's trying to punish you for events that occurred before you even met him!
Who does that?

Except a screwed up, domineering, slightly sadistic shitbag, obviously.

merlincat · 22/07/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mushroomsandolives · 22/07/2011 11:39

Insecure as well Pictish. I didn't realise that at the time either, but ex DP was sooooooo insecure. Despite trying to be all 'alpha male'.

Original poster
charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:41

I have been with him for 8 months. We live together now and since he moved in all this questioning has started.
he says its because he has never felt this way about anybody before - and he needs to know that i haven't either (I haven't, I didn't realise I could love someone so much till I met him) He reckons he questions me because he has put his all in to our relationship and he needs to know its not a waste of his feelings.
I am in work fretting about what questions will have been conjoured up during the day.
My eyes are like p!ss holes in the snow today from crying so much - my colleagues are starting to question my exhaustion.
Last night my ds and his dd (both 5) heard our rowing

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2011 11:42

OP - he is making YOU responsible for HIS emotional wellbeing, which is very wrong.

mushroomsandolives · 22/07/2011 11:44

What sort of questions? Are they questions about previous sexual things? Sorry if I'm being too nosey. They were these types of questions for me. In hindsight, ex DP was very controlling and an expert manipulator. I'm not what you would describe as a meek woman either......

Original poster
charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:44

I dont want to lose him, but I cant carry on like this.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 11:44

he is a control freak, and he isnt going to change either. He will get worse and worse.. to the point where you wont be able to go out anywhere without cross questioning. It will fuck up your life.

You have let him move in far far too early into the relationship, and it isnt good for you, and certainly not for your child.

This is not normal loving behaviour, and to be quite honest, this will just be the start. I know you probably dont want to hear this, but get him out of you and your childs life as soon as you can.

stupefy · 22/07/2011 11:45

He sounds like hard work!

why does it matter what you got up to before you met him ? it's not normal to care that much..

You know this is only the start of it, don't you?

pictish · 22/07/2011 11:47

It's emotional blackmail.

By the sounds of it, no matter WHAT you say, it will never ever be enough to put his mind at rest. He will use this stick to beat you with for as long as you allow him to. It will go on and on and on.

Nobody in their right mind demands this of the person they love. He makes out it's because he loves you so much, but that's a falsehood.....he does this because he is so up his own arse. Your feelings count for nothing, but his are paramount. he doesn't care that he is hurting you and making you cry...not one bit....what he cares about is punishing you and being in control.

It's not on......not on at all.

mushroomsandolives · 22/07/2011 11:48

Spot on Pictish.

Original poster
charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:48

mushroomsandolives - I am not a meek person by nature AT ALL.
In the past I would have told him to f*ck right off.

squeakytoy this is what I am scared of. He has started to question me wearing a shift dress for work - yet changing in to my jammies when I get home for comfort.....

OP posts:
Pixieonabroomstick · 22/07/2011 11:50

He will get worse. Soon you wont be able to leave the house without being questioned. Then interrogated when you get back.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/07/2011 11:51

Leave. He is abusing you.

Leave before you cant.

It's NOT love, unless love means hating yourself.

Original poster
charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:52

pictish this makes so much sense. I tried saying to him last night that it was unfair making me feel like this, and his response was it was unfair for him to feel the way he does too, and we have to deal with the fact we are both hurting over it......I felt like screaming, I was grabbing handfuls of my own hair in frustation and I felt like smashing something to get my frustration out. I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!!

OP posts:
mushroomsandolives · 22/07/2011 11:52

Charlie, sorry, I really didn't mean that you were meek. Just that I can't believe that I let my ex DP get away with pretty much exactly what you're describing for so long. I knew it wasn't quite right at the time, but with hindsight I realise it was ludicrous! Exactly what Pictish is saying, whatever I said was never ever enough for him. I know your situation is not mine, but it sounds really similar. I just can't believe I didn't run a mile at the time.

squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 11:53

:( Get him out of your lives... he will do nothing but make you miserable, and whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant, or you will be tied to him forever, even if he is not in a relationship with you, there will always be a connection, just do not do that.

I have been in a relationship with someone like this. Its horrific, and I hate to say this, but there is a very very big chance that he will turn violent too. It is a typical pattern of behaviour from men like this.

He will be checking your phone. He will monitor your facebook or emails. He will ask you why you took so long at the supermarket.

If you buy anything new he will want to know who you are trying to impress.

If you want to go out with your friends, he will do everything he can to stop you going, or make your life hell so that you dont enjoy yourself and then when you get home he will be grillling you as to who you spoke to.

stupefy · 22/07/2011 11:56

You don't want your DS growing up thinking that is normal behaviour.

No male role model is better than an abusive one.

His poor DD :(

Original poster
charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:57

squeakytoy he has checked my phone already....I had ACCIDENTALLY sent a x on the end of a text to ds's dad and he hit the roof. Calling me a slut and smashing my phone

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2011 11:57

One of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse is managing to convince the victim that they do it out of devotion for them, so the victim feels flattered and indebted into accepting the maltreatment as being an expression of love, and will put considerable effort into proving themselves to the abuser. Which of course, puts the victim exactly where the abuser wants them.

It's not loving, it's not supportive, it's not kind. It's very very nasty.

Seabright · 22/07/2011 11:59

If you think it's worth it, sit down and explain, calmly, why you won't be answering any more questions and why you won't be asking him any. If he accepts that, fine. If not, move on