To be sick of being hauled over the coals?

[charliejosh]

My dp is constantly bringing up my past. Things that happened before I met him. He asks me in detail about ex's etc and if he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.
I am exhausted with it - it feels like emotional abuse. It is wearing me down something chronic

[echt]

Eh??

[DoDo999]

Echt, I had a wife that used to continually go on about her past, when she did, she's always spin the blame on me. Fucked her off before it was too late. managed to save my house too.

[echt]

I don't get what you're saying, your post makes it appear that the man in this is the victim.

[DoDo999]

He probably is, but hardly anyone on this forum would see it that way. A few of my friends also get it from their wives/girlfriends.

[echt]

Oh, I see.

Off you fuck then, there's a dear.

[ComradeJing]

DoDo I realize I shouldn't feed you but honestly is it at all acceptable to smash someone's phone? Even if they do "flirt with all and sundry?"

[ChildofIsis]

No-ona has the right to harass another person about their previous life.
It's non of his business and OP doesn't have to justify herself.

Who does he think he is checking her phone?
She's not a child who needs 'managing'

Why can't people own their issues and deal with them, instead of foisting them on their partner and expecting them to pay the price?

[GandTiceandaslice]

Kick him out. NOW.

[ComradeJing]

oh... then what echt said.

[BreakFree]

Yes it is EA. stbx has been doing it to me for years. Obsessed with any relationship I ever had and god help me if I mentioned any ex from my past even name dropped! early on in the relationship he asked me on a weekend away had I slept with XYZ who happened to be more than a friend than a boyfriend in the past. We only dated a few weeks at the time. I admitted yes I had and he went CRAZY. To the point of calling me every name under the sun and shutting me out of the hotel room. The thing was, I hadn't done anything wrong at all. He asked me a question I answered truthfully. It was no big deal really. It had taken place 10years previous as well! It was the fact that I was still in touch with my friend , which is all he was, that sickened stbx. Apparently my friend was just and still is sniffing around. I lost contact with the friend for a long time to keep peace and then my defiance at being in an abusive relationship started to kick in and I got back in touch with my friend just to sicken him and annoy him .
He used to check my phone until I got so sick of it that I started carrying it around everywhere. I now PANIC if I've left it behind or put it down somewhere he will pick it up. Not because I'm hiding something, but because of what he will make up that he's found or misconstrue which he loves to do. I have had to password my laptop and religiously clear all history each night as he had a habit of going in and going through my history to find out where I was online and what I was up to and WHO I was talking to. All of these measures come naturally to me now but I still panic if I've forgotten to do one of the above to "protect" my privacy. Even now after all the above measures he still regularly checks my facebook page to see what "men" have been talking to me. By "men" I mean friends I've known long before I met him.
Also with the buying new clothes or deciding to wear fake tan for a night out. Who am I trying to impress? Why do I never wear these clothes JUST for him or wear fake tan JUST for him?? "because you know I prefer you with a bit of colour"
He tells me my family is too interfering when all they do is offer support and adore their GC.

Realise it for what it is now and get out. Don't leave it as long as I have as it makes it much harder to leave when the abuse gets worse even when you can see it for what it is.I want to leave so badly but there are a number of factors leaving me stuck in the situation as well as his manipulation. Years of it makes it harder to get out of the cycle.
Good luck

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

DoDo999 You obviously have issues but you are wrong in assuming that every other relationship is the same as yours. Please fuck off, you're not helping things.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

So many things in this ring a bell for me.

My ex used to ask lots of questions about exs and get really jealous. He also used to listen in on my phone conversations (pre modiles) by hiding behind the door. If I had had a mobile I am sure he would have checked it. He would question me about what I had been saying and if I didn't relay the whole conversation back word for word he would call me a liar. He would go mental about exs I had slept with even if they were years before I met him. He would question what I wore and thought everyone was trying to sleep with me. He didn't seem to think I had the ability to say no so needed to protect me(!) He then started questioning how long it took me to go to the shop.

This all then progressed (very quickly) into his putting me into positions where I was reliant on him. For eg, offering me a lift late at night but not turning up. When I called he would start an argument (jealousy related) which I had to just let go as I was stuck somewhere and needed picking up. Or he would offer to go with me to buy something heavy and start a row on the way back so that I had to either placate him or walk 10 miles home with a table on my back! It was all about power by this point.

Then it turned to shoving me across the room, trying to push me out of a 2nd story window, biting me (because I was talking to a male friend) and then eventually beating the shit out of me.

I'm sorry OP, it doesn't sound good. Have you decided what you are going to do?

[KRIKRI]

Has anyone heard from charliejosh since the 11.57 post on Friday - when she said her partner called her a slut and smashed her phone?

[HerHissyness]

Actually Dodo999, I met a guy who described a relationship very much like yours. he left her in the end, but she still continues to taunt him by 'accidentally' sending him explicit texts meant for her current victim partner.

I can understand your feelings towards women, I hold the same about men tbh as a result of my experiences, but I don't think what you describe is right, or actually appropriate.

Men do suffer from domestic violence, EA and all the other little gems these despicable abusers mete out in their quest for total domination. Somehow it must be complicated for a male in the situation I was in to seek help, stigmas and stereotypes etc.

Dodo, if you are for real, then please think about your audience. Your posts are probably justifiably angry, but could also be seen as inflammatory. You have to know that there are more women than men, and most of the posts here on Relationships are either he's banging someone else, or treating me like crap, and it turns out that he's actually been abusing her for ages and she can't see it.... So while some will be ill-disposed to men at the moment for good reason, some of us do know that it's not only women that are abused.

You said you refrained from battering her, but you also talked about cowering on the sofa waiting for her to finish. You weren't in a position to batter anyone, or you'd have defended yourself. Nothing wrong with that, we all can only do what we are ready to do.

Took me years to speak up and question X's bullshit.

[HerHissyness]

Dodo999 - open your own thread, it'll be really helpful to you, and to us.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Get this abusive wanker out of your children's home.

Immediately.

He sounds dangerous.

How did he come to move in so quickly?

You barely know this guy.

[QueenofDreams]

This sounds incredibly unhealthy, and abusive. I have no inclination to know the intimate details of DP's previous relationships. I know he had them, and that he slept with people before me, but I certainly don't want to know any more than that. I would feel very uncomfortable knowing details to be honest. He knows the same about me, yet has never asked a question ONCE about a previous relationship.

I think you need to get rid of him.

[IQuiteLikeVodka]

breakfree just want to say SNAP!!
OP I echo what the majority of posters are saying, I've been there too and there is no reasoning with these damaged 'men'
I hope you have the strength to stand up and leave this relationship, good luck.

[echt]

OP, I realise I was responding to another poster, without addressing your concerns.

Your "D"P seems to me to be on the way to being dangerous. I'll amend that; he IS dangerous. Consider yourself fortunate to have had such early signs, and pay attention to posters who have already been where you are heading.

God, so many imperative verbs, but I'm sure you get the friendly feelings of the majority of posters.

Good luck and stay safe.:)

[pictish]

Op, you said "I tried saying to him last night that it was unfair making me feel like this, and his response was it was unfair for him to feel the way he does too, and we have to deal with the fact we are both hurting over it"

This, to me, is the greatest indication that you are with an abusive man, out everything you have said.

It is NOT 'unfair' for him to feel the way he does. He is not the victim of some miscarriage of justice and there is NOTHING for him to feel threatened by whatsoever.

This idea that you both have to deal with his 'hurt' is beyond the pale. Once again, he indicates how he feels entitled to make YOU take responsibility for his issues. Issues he has invented, as a means of emotional control over you.

He makes you cry and cry, but yet you both have to deal with the hurt over something that is none of his concern.

He stinks. Boot him now.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Dodo999 It's really worrying if you think that every relationship you see/hear of is an exact replica (as you seem to be saying about this one) of your own failed relationship. I think you need a lot of help. You are incredibly bitter and angry and will never be happy or have a happy relationship if you go on viewing other people the way you do at the moment.

[woollyideas]

I'm worried that OP hasn't been back. I do hope Dodo isn't her OH on her MN account...

[KRIKRI]

OMG, I hope not. Anyone been in touch with her at all?