To be sick of being hauled over the coals?

[charliejosh]

My dp is constantly bringing up my past. Things that happened before I met him. He asks me in detail about ex's etc and if he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.
I am exhausted with it - it feels like emotional abuse. It is wearing me down something chronic

[scottishmummy]

hope nothing is amiss

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Thats what i thought. He probably was.

[revolutionscoop]

Bit weird that op says she & dp have been together for 8 months, but in another thread she talks about celebrating their 3rd anniversary? Hope everything is okay, nonetheless, the dp sounds like an awful, awful man.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hmm... yeah... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1258971-to-be-very-pissed-off-with-dp-right-now

I suppose she could mean they met 3 years ago but moved in together 8 months ago? This thread smells genuine enough, but you can't always tell.

Anyway, the advice holds good for anyone in a similar situation, of whom I'm sure there are many.

[mathanxiety]

If Dodo is her OH, it wouldn't be the first time this has happened on MN. I hope she is safe.

[honeyandsalt]

It's a bit worrying, "dodo999" seems to have no chat history beyond this thread, and if you turn it upside down it's "666opop" . I really hope she's OK.

[KRIKRI]

Um, I'm really green on MN, so I don't know if it's possible . . . is there anything site management can do to see if the OP is okay?

[charliejosh]

Thank you for all your replies, I got booted off my internet on friday and have only just managed to get back online - I will read through now

[charliejosh]

Oh yes and we have been together 8 months but we have known each other a long time, and things have happened between us in the past (i.e a more casual relationship)

[charliejosh]

Have read all your replies, thank you so much to all who have been so helpful.

We had a good weekend - he has been lovely

I honestly didn't expect to get the response on here that I did - it is now like looking at it through a microscope. I am having a long hard think about what to do next

[Spuddybean]

Have just read this thread and it sounds very alarming.

I don't really see why he cares if you ever felt this way before him - you have a child so you probably did love someone else at another time. I have been in love with 2 others before my current DP and it doesn't diminish my current feelings one bit.

My first boyfriend was like this, once when i met a girlfriend for lunch and wore a dress, he accused me of making too much of an effort and kicked a panel out of the door and ripped out three banisters. I left to meet her and he chased me to apologise and then asked me to cancel so we could go home and make up. When i said no he went ballistic again.

Whenever i was going out he would start a row so i would either be too upset to go, or then say he wanted to make it up to me by taking me out/going to bed. If i said okay he could take me out the next day he would insist it had to be then (the same night as my plans) or not at all and accuse me of choosing my friends over him.

I was young and gave in often and friends stopped inviting me out as i always cancelled at the last minute. It took me a while to realise i was isolated and totally dependant on him. All these situations were of his own doing. He would set me up to fail and every outcome had him as the injured party.

He is right, it isn't fair that he feels like this, but it's of his own doing and only he can stop it.

You should really think about this relationship. it sounds bad.

good luck

[revolutionscoop]

I wonder where dodo999 fits in to all this.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

We had a good weekend - he has been lovely

I bet he has, until the next time, and the lovely making up periods gt shorter and shorter. I can't tell you how dangerous this man is, having been there, like many on here before.

[HerHissyness]

Seen this? Might help explain why the weekend was pleasant....

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

of course he's being lovely now. He intimidated you, which is what he wanted, and now he has to convince both himself and you that he isn't basically an arse.

[scottishmummy]

CJ,hold onto your instinct dont lose your gut feeling
just because he butters you upa bit doesnt mean he is changed,probably means he skilled manipulator and youre a bit daft if you believe this.
he has only been your boyfriend for 8months and you have had all this grief,Christ sake woman.do you need it spelt out?

hes a bully and you're unable to see it,soon you'll not even know of its new york or new year by the time he spins you about

hold onto what made you feel bad, all the crying, even your work noticed it,remember the warning bell?

be fastidious about contraception.dont get pg by this man
dont give up paid employment or move him in with you

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Bullies are charming people. It's hard work being aggressive all the time, and you'd get found out more quickly.

Much better to occasionally imply violence, and then let the victim's weakened defenses do the rest of the work for you.

[Proudnscary]

I know it might be incredibly daunting to have all these posters begging you to get out of this relationship. You might feel overwhelmed, attacked even.

But you really must be brave and read all of the posts and links because everyone is truly trying to help.

I have no experience whatsoever of emtional abuse but I can tell you that everything you have presented - especially smashing your phone up - rings such enormous alarm bells and I am 100% certain the posters on here that have endured EA are right.

[AbbyAbsinthe]

He's not going to change, you know that right?

Someone that treats you like this is a cunt. That's all there is to it. And after 8 months? You can do better, and you need to wise up a bit. Sorry x

[HeavyHeidi]

Charlie, this is something I have shamelessly stolen from a thread Reality started, but please, read this:

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.


It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

[mathanxiety]

You are living on a leash. When he wants to he yanks it and the choke collar tightens. The leash was still there at the weekend, but he chose for reasons of his own and nothing to do with remorse or affection for you, not to pull it.