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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be sick of being hauled over the coals?

122 replies

charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:32

My dp is constantly bringing up my past. Things that happened before I met him. He asks me in detail about ex's etc and if he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.
I am exhausted with it - it feels like emotional abuse. It is wearing me down something chronic

OP posts:

Esta3GG · 22/07/2011 19:40

He is abusive. Leave him. He bears all of the hallmarks of a controlling abusive partner. Please - I have been where you are now and this is how it starts.
Think of your child and get him out of your life.

DogsBestFriend · 22/07/2011 19:46

My ex was like your DP.

At first.

Then he tried to stop me going out. Tried to stop me wearing certain styles. Smashed my phone up.

And then the violence started....

GET OUT NOW. Yours is a classic run-up to violence. If you won't do it for you, do it for your children.

shakey1500 · 22/07/2011 19:47

Seriously, I would be heading for the hills as fast as my legs could carry me.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2011 19:58

get shot of him.if hes like this after 8mth,imagine 8 yrs on
this isnt how deep love is.this is bullying and contempt.but hes wrapping it up as love and big feelings
run,run v fast
for yourself for the kids
and be fastidious with contraception dont get pg by this bully

messymammy · 22/07/2011 20:00

Deja Vu reading this as I went out with someone very similar.

read this and see if it's familar, I got a big wake up reading it :(

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 22/07/2011 20:02

I agree with everyone else, sadly. I've been there and done that and I agree with where everyone says it is heading. All the signs are there. You can't change him.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2011 20:13

Absolutely horrific.

You HAVE to leave him. Think of your child growing up with this man.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2011 20:25

so start planning this now
if you can get pals or family support do so
will your ex be supportive if needed?
whats the living arrangements is he live with you?whose name is house in
give your boss heads up may need some time off work for personal reasons

blackcurrants · 22/07/2011 20:34

OP this is absolutely abuse.

Have a look (at work!) at www.youarenotcrazy.com/ and the scales will fall from your eyes.

He's gone from verbal abuse to smashing up your stuff. It's all steps towards violent domestic abuse. He'll be smashing you up next.

Get yourself sorted one day while he's out at work, pack up all his stuff and have it on the lawn, change the locks, get your dad/ex/big burly friend to come over for the night and sleep on your couch, and if he so much as whimpers at you tell him to leave or you'll call the police. And mean it.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2011 20:39

only change locks if it your house.dont be provocative and illegal
keep it legal and safe
and word in your ex ear for back up.do have a pal stay

blackcurrants · 22/07/2011 21:24

oh yes - I thought it was your place and he'd moved in - do make sure you act legally, and keep it straightforward.
You don't have to give him a reason, you don't have to have long emotional conversations with him. You don't owe him anything. You are allowed to say "Please go away, I don't want to be in a relationship with you any more." and never give him any chance to wheedle or threaten you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 22/07/2011 22:37

Can you not hear the alarm bells ringing? Can you not see the red flags?

This man is unstable; his violent behaviour will inevitably escalate and you'll have black eyes, bruises, broken bones, your spirit will be crushed, and you'll be lucky if he doesn't kill you in one of his rages.

For the sake of your ds, if not for yourself, you must get this man out of your life, but before you break the news that it's over please get your ds to a place of safety.

Why is his dd not living with her dm?

misty75 · 22/07/2011 22:47

He is not genuinely upset about your past relationships, and is aware that you are not unfaithful. He is just trying to control you. He sees that his unreasonable and invasive questioning upsets you, and is deliberately doing it. Please read 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft.

hester · 22/07/2011 22:52

OP, I'm sorry but it couldn't be clearer that you have landed up with an abusive control freak. You are only 8 months in. Please get out now before you or your child get hurt, or before you get pregnant and have this guy in your life forever.

Please - this is going nowhere good, you must know that.

HerHissyness · 22/07/2011 22:52

"DogsBestFriend Fri 22-Jul-11 19:46:49
My ex was like your DP.

At first.

Then he tried to stop me going out. Tried to stop me wearing certain styles. Smashed my phone up.

And then the violence started....

GET OUT NOW. Yours is a classic run-up to violence. If you won't do it for you, do it for your children."

OP - read ^ this!

I am YOU, but TEN YEARS ON. I can tell you every word of the above post is absolutely true.

These men are all the same, they work to a script, you have a child, for her, for the love of all things holy, get the fuck out of this relationship as fast as you can.

If I had have had MN 10 years ago, I wonder where I would be now? Betting not having to go to DV support groups and then hide the fact that I've been crying from my 5yo DS.

Reckon also that I'd be able to skip on having to call around looking for psychological support for him as he's frightened Daddy will come back and throw things again. He only saw it happen ONCE, he is STILL terrified, 5 months after X left!

Please love, this is literally a hiding to nothing, it'll damage you, your child and your life. get out. yesterday if possible!

CurrySpice · 22/07/2011 22:58

And all this when you have only known each other 8 months. Imagine, if it has got this bad, this quickly, how bad it can and will get.

Put your DC first and yourself a close second, and get yourself out before he does any more damage

Amd I very very rarely say that :(

Do you know what rang the biggest alarm bells for me? The bit abouthim only doing it because he loves you. What kind of twisted logic is that? Think about it! Do you do this kind of thing to someone you love?

Good luck OP it sounds like you will need it

FreudianSlipper · 22/07/2011 23:00

this is emotional abuse, he is trying to emotionally blackmail you and he is already starting to wear you down

like others have said get out of this relationship while you have the strength too

honeymom · 22/07/2011 23:00

If it feels like emotional abuse, smells like emotional abuse, sounds like emotional abuse, then usually it is emotional abuse

cheekeymonkey · 22/07/2011 23:03

Oh please listen, don't wait until you are being strangled and having chunks of your hair pulled out as you are trying to jump out of the window to escape.

It is right, it is a script.

danniclare · 22/07/2011 23:06

Odd. My DP and I never discuss ex's. Bit extreme perhaps, but it's before we met so WTH. The occasional bit gets mentioned, but that's one of us volunteering the info, not some sort of hostile cross-examination.

Loonytoonie · 22/07/2011 23:51

So very sorry, OP. To fall in love with a man like this is terrible.
It WILL get worse. There is no question of that.
We all have history, OP. We can't erase out lives before our partners just to make them feel secure; he has major problems and he's blaming you for every single insecurity that he has.

From what you say, it seems almost inevitable that he'll resort to violence. Leave. End things now. If not for your sake, then for your DS.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2011 03:26

Run, don't walk. Please.

RabbitPie · 23/07/2011 05:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2011 05:17

He has smashed your phone and next it will be your child, then you.

Please read Lundy Banroft's book "Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"

This is not something you can control or cure. He is doing it on purpose. He is not capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship. This is as good as your relationship is going to get. It is all downhill from here and there is nothing you can do to make things better. No amount of reassurance to him of your faithfulness or love, and no amount of fighting him or trying to get him to see reason.

He likes it the way he has it and he will not change for you. Please do not be taken hostage by your own optimism. Optimism is your enemy here, as is any confidence you may have that you have some special something that will magically make this man change.

Make plans to leave or get him out, and follow them through. You may need to go to Women's Aid for backup.

When the dust settles, you can get "When Dad Hurts Mom; Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse" also by Lundy Bancroft.

DoDo999 · 23/07/2011 05:17

He's making the big mistake. He's trying to right a relationship that can't be righted. He needs to run like hell before he's too entwined with a partner that may be flirting with all and sundry. Sadly, most men just show their frustrations and do nothing to protect themselves.

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