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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be sick of being hauled over the coals?

122 replies

charliejosh · 22/07/2011 11:32

My dp is constantly bringing up my past. Things that happened before I met him. He asks me in detail about ex's etc and if he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.
I am exhausted with it - it feels like emotional abuse. It is wearing me down something chronic

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 12:00

Charlie, this isnt love, this is control and possession. He see you as his property, he doesnt love you, he owns you. Seriously you have to end this relationship and tell him to move out, as soon as possible.

If you have brothers or male friends, get them involved because he wont just go quietly. But go he must.

lookout · 22/07/2011 12:01

Obviously I don't know you or him so it's difficult to say, but I would like to point out that it is possible to change this kind of behaviour. My dh was like this (obsessed with things I did before I met him) at the start of our relationship and I was naive enough to put up with it to a certain extent. However, over a few years I put my foot down, realising that it was completely unhealthy on his part to treat me that way. And I basically said stop or it's over. He stopped. He is like a different man now. I obviously can't advocate you staying with this guy if he isn't going to change, but you know him better than us and will be able to tell if you think he can change. I just wanted to say that some men like this can change if they want to enough.

snoopdogg · 22/07/2011 12:01

Who's got that checklist about controlling men? Can't remember what it's called but lists behaviours like very quick declarations of love etc, might help charlie

Seabright · 22/07/2011 12:03

Ok, just seen your last message. He can't be reasonable, tome to move on

ShoutyHamster · 22/07/2011 12:04

He isn't worth the bother.

Lots of red flags.

He's NOT a keeper, sadly - he's an emotionally stunted, bullying, abusive loser.

Please, be THANKFUL and HAPPY that you have had the good fortune to discover this so soon. Eight months is nothing. Usually this kind of scrote waits until they get their feet right under the table, until your lives are completely entwined, before they show their true colours.

What can you do to improve the situation? - nothing. He doesn't want an equal loving relationship or even know what one is. You can see that from his behaviour. It won't get better - as you go along he'll just feel more and more as if you're something which belongs to him to control, belittle and make suffer.

Nasty piece of work - eight months in - no loss. Only a loss if you're blinkered enough to try and ignore what he's showing you - that he's actually a wrong 'un.

DUMP HIM and don't waste a second more. Far, far nicer blokes are out there. And being alone is far preferable to being in a relationship like this anyway!!

You can do it!! :)

LuckyMrsT · 22/07/2011 12:04

I don't want to lose him

You do if he carries on like this. You are miserable after 8 months? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period!

Have a big talk and tell him that you are no longer prepared to discuss exs or things that happened before you met. Give him one final reassurance that you have never felt like this before (if you must) but make it very clear that he is jeapordising the relationship. Point out that there is nothing like jealousy and insecurity to turn the man of your dreams into the needy, desperate bloke who you neither fancy nor respect.

OhCobblers · 22/07/2011 12:04

OP your posts have sent shivers down my spine - what an awful way to live and i categorically believe that this is NOT "love".

if his DD is also living with you then this relationship needs to stop NOW before it becomes harder to get out because of the DC. From the awful number of (similar in terms of emotional abuse) posts that i have read on MN over the years (sadly too many) a lot of posters will say that they'd wished they'd left sooner.

Pictish is right when she says that he is wrong in making YOU responsible for HIS wellbeing. Sounds similar to the person who said to his wife that she knows which buttons to press to make him angry and therefore its her fault that he hit her. I know thats rather a leap but he is not taking any responsibility and whatever you think you are in an abusive situation.

They NEVER get better ONLY worse. Really very very sorry for you.

LuckyMrsT · 22/07/2011 12:08

Just read your last post re the smashed phone and being called a slut. Scratch my last bit of advice - don't bother talking to him and PACK HIS BAGS NOW! He will become physically violent towards you and you cannot allow this in your house when you have a child.

Pixieonabroomstick · 22/07/2011 12:08

Please leave him. He will treat you badly and your DD will grow up thinking it is ok for men to treat her like this. Please dont let that happen.

SnapesPlaything · 22/07/2011 12:09

Lucky is right, if hes acting like this after less than a year what will he be like in six months? How quickly will he feel comfortable beating you if he is already destroying your belongings and calling you names?

Please get out before it gets any worse.

lookout · 22/07/2011 12:10

Sorry, I just re-read your last message about the phone too and have to agree with everyone else. Doesn't sound healthy at all. You can do much better.

pictish · 22/07/2011 12:11

Besides...what is wrong with an adult having been in love in the past, before meeting and falling in love with their current partner??? Most people have significant past relationships!

He wants proof that the OP has never felt this way about anyone before?? That's a ridiculous ask, and one he feel entitled to continually make you apologise for. This guy is crazy!! Confused

squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 12:12

OP cant just "leave him" or "move out".. he has moved in to her house. She has to tell him to leave. That is the hardest part, but I think there is no doubt here that it has to be done before his behaviour steps up a notch, and it absolutely will, no question of that at all.

pictish · 22/07/2011 12:13

Black bags with his stuff on the doorstep and change the locks I think.

You DO want to lose him OP. You do, you do, you do!!!!!

NunTheWiser · 22/07/2011 12:20

Pack his bags and tell him to fuck off, and when he gets there, to fuck off some more.
He's a controlling, abusive nutjob. Even if you were an untouched virgin when you met him, he'd find some other stick to beat you with - you're looking at that man, you're coming on to this man, you're a flirt, you're a slut...

You can't fix him.
I bet he'll suggest having a baby soon. Don't.

jumpingbeans · 22/07/2011 12:22

It sounds exhausting, sit him down, make sure he is listening, go as far as get him agree to being able to understand excatly what you are saying, and calmly tell him - this has to end and now, the next time he starts with the interigation will be the last and he will have to move out, no shouting [ i always find i get my point across better, scare the shit out of dh if I speak calmly] and do it, no second chances, you and you little one deserve better.

zipzap · 22/07/2011 12:24

What happens if you start to throw questions back at him? I know you don't necessarily want to or need to but maybe it will show him that it is not nice to be questioned the whole time.

Also his reactions will show if he is happy to be asked questions and it's all equal and fair or if he thinks that he is the only one that has the right to be questioning and is actually very controlling.

Somehow you need to get him to understand how unreasonable he is being and that if he carries on like this then it is over - and that that is his fault.

Just out of interest - do you know why refinished with his ex?

changeforthebetter · 22/07/2011 12:31

God, I hope you get out of this relationship really quickly. You would be losing nothing and gaining a lot. X occasionally puts x at the end of a text and I have nearly done it a million times. We politely loathe each other. It's just that it's so normal to put x at the end of a message that it's easy to do. He sounds seriously unhinged and I would be concerned for your safety and that of your children. Please, please get help and get away. No analysing, no discussing, no trying to find the reason for his behaviour. This is abuse and it will get worse. Good luck (and unMN things)

honeyandsalt · 22/07/2011 12:34

Oh OP get out please. You are ALWAYS going to have contact with DDs father, and you will always have your past. There is nothing to feel guilty about, and if these things are such huge problems for him (though tbh he sounds like the sort to create this sort of situation from anything, this isn't down to you) then it's game over really.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DD - she doesn't deserve the pain and stress of growing up in this sort of toxic household. If that's not enough, do it for him, if he's so miserable I think he'd be better off elsewhere. He wants to know if he's "wasting his time"? Well, you'll always have a past and an ex, so yeah, he is.

ONE very, very serious warning and chance to change, if you must, then he's out, no ifs or buts.

honeyandsalt · 22/07/2011 12:38

I respectfully disagree with the suggestion of firing questions back at him, he doesn't sound emotionally intelligent enough to get from "oh wait this isn't nice" to "I should stop being a dick" - you'll only escalate the situation.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 22/07/2011 12:48

If he doesn't think my story quite 'fits' he goes off on one and calls me a liar.

He has started to question me wearing a shift dress for work - yet changing in to my jammies when I get home for comfort...

I had ACCIDENTALLY sent a x on the end of a text to ds's dad and he hit the roof. Calling me a slut and smashing my phone

Does this sound like the behaviour of a normal man? I can't imagine any man I know behaving like this.

He says its because he has never felt this way about anybody before - and he needs to know that i haven't either. He reckons he questions me because he has put his all in to our relationship and he needs to know its not a waste of his feelings

He's using love as an excuse for the behaviour described above. Love is not selfish. Love is putting another person's happiness above your own. It sounds like you love him. It doesn't sound like he loves you.

My eyes are like p!ss holes in the snow today from crying so much - my colleagues are starting to question my exhaustion.

I could never do that to someone I loved. Could you? Behaving in a way that caused them such obvious anguish?

Last night my ds and his dd (both 5) heard our rowing

So not only is he disregarding your welfare, he's also ignoring that of his child and yours.

LadyThumb · 22/07/2011 12:49

I had this many years ago. Why was I 5 minutes late coming back from the shops, who had I spoken to, why I was wearing such and such, who had I spoken to at work, who I saw, alienating my family, trying to stop me speaking to my Mum on the phone - even didn't like me using Tampax. I got out, but it was so hard. I left my job and moved house to get away.

Put a stop to it NOW or it will only get worse.

HeavyHeidi · 22/07/2011 12:58

Charlie, I know you think you love this man and I know you are looking for excuses for his behaviour.
I've been in a similar relationship (his name was Charlie, ironically) and I would not have listened to anybody if they told me to leave him. I loved him, I was happy...well, sometimes I was. The rest of the time I was a nervous wreck, walking on eggshells and wondering what I have done wrong this time that would upset him. And how come I can't seem to do anything right these days..But I was still terrified of losing him. I understand. But you MUST end this.

Read this here. www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
Does it sound familiar?

GwanShoooo · 22/07/2011 13:01

I'd nip this in the bud from day one

stop being pathetic and crying and sniffling, get bloody angry!! if he questions you, tell him its nothing to do with him whatsoever and if he continues with it, the relationship will be over!

you can only be abused if you allow it!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2011 18:46

Charlie, you do not love this man, you love the man you thought he was. He is not that man. He is A Loser. Please read this article, he's already exhibing many of the behaviours listed.

Trust me, you DO want to lose him.

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