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Original poster

Should I stay in my marriage for the kids?

148 replies

GeorgeBaker · 09/09/2010 21:17

Hi,

I am a 36 y/old man. I recently had a very brief, very intence affair with someone, it has all ended very messily, in that my wife found out and its become a painful situation all round, involving lots of people.

Please feel free at this stage to direct any verbal abuse at me, I'm kinda getting used to it, although I totally deserve it.

My wife and I have 2 kids together and I love my kids more than anything in the world. I know though that I don't love my wife anymore. She is a wonderful person, attractive, good fun, great mother and is great in so many ways. However, I have fallen out of love with her and have for a while.

My question though is should we stay together for the sake of the kids? Is it better to have 2 parents who love their kids but are apart, than have 2 parents who live under the same roof but the love has gone?

Hope there is some sense out there, cause right now i don't know whether I am coming or going.

George

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 09/09/2010 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 09/09/2010 21:24

No, it's not better to stay together for the sake of the kids when you don't love each other. It sets a terrible example to your kids, apart from anything else. And it's not fair to your wife - she deserves the chance to meet someone who does love her.

The best thing you can possibly do now is facilitate a clean, amicable split and hope that one day you can salvage some sort of friendship out of the mess; this is possible - I am good friends with my ex, who cheated on me. I'm remarried, he will be soon. There was a lot of bitterness and heartbreak, but he was always a nice guy.

So don't piss about re money or access or anything - be fair, be honest, be reasonable. You owe her that.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2010 21:26

what hassled said

however, you haven't said what your wife wants

is this only your decision ?

Tippychoocks · 09/09/2010 21:30

Ditto Hassled.

My parents did, for a bit, and it ended horribly. I did, for a bit, and I'm trying to keep it civil. Sometimes it is better to be honest and move on before you hate one another.

Original poster
GeorgeBaker · 09/09/2010 22:06

dear butterfly effect,
thanks for responding.
what i mean is that I know that I don't love her anymore. I did before, but it has waned and i'm not sure if there a way back.
its not fear of the hoops i would have to jump through, I guess its whether I could ever get the feelings of total love back.
I always believed marriage was for life, but it wasn't making my happy and i wasn't making others around me happy by me being unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgeBaker · 09/09/2010 22:11

dear anyfucker.
right now my wife is very upset, its still very raw, she hates my guts, she thinks the years that we have been together (10+) are just a total sham. all natural thoughts I think.
its not just my decision; my preference I think would to stay togeher for the kids. they are truly great kids and I dont want to hurt them. I'm not sure my wife can ever forgive as its so messy and painful; but if we tried i just dont know if thats the right thing for the kids.

OP posts:
AlisonDubois · 09/09/2010 22:12

I absolutely cannot stand people who stay in relationships 'because of the kids'. How can you be so cruel to your wife?
Get out of the house asap and let her make a new life.
Men can be so selfish. They don't want to become weekend dads so they stay put. WRONG!!! Just bugger off and give your wife chance to find someone who will love her for who she is.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2010 22:16

of course you want to stay together

I don't expect you want to be a McDonald's father

perhaps when you were utterly shitting on your wife, it might have been best to reflect on the fact you were shitting on your family too

you don't want to hurt your kids ?

that horse has well and truly bolted, mate

TheButterflyEffect · 09/09/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlisonDubois · 09/09/2010 22:20

OP...have you actually told your wife how you feel, or have you just glossed over it?

Original poster
GeorgeBaker · 09/09/2010 22:54

butterflyeffect,
i certainly dont blame her at all, she has done nothing wrong in all this.
being single doesn't bother me too much, its being able to see the kids and be in their lives as much as possible that concerns me.
staying put and working at the relationship is the best way to stay in their lives {if of course i'll be taken back}.
maybe its better to be in love 80% and accept that it wont be 100% love and be with the kids, than just walk away?

OP posts:
notfallingforhischARMBOW · 09/09/2010 23:06

if you want it to work with your wife you have to truly want her as well as the family life, otherwise you will only be putting off the inevitable. she does deserved to be loved don't keep her in a marriage where she is not cherished.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/09/2010 23:12

It sounds to me as though you still have intense feelings for your affair partner. I think for us to advise you, some honesty is due here. Real hard honesty.

When did you first truly realise that you didn't love your wife enough? How did your affair start and who pursued whom?

Lots of people in your situation convince themselves that they cannot love their primary partner enough, otherwise they wouldn't have had an affair. And sometimes when an affair ends messily and is discovered, the lingering feelings for the affair partner get in the way of honesty and realism.

As a general rule, it is never advisable to stay for the sake of anything other than proper love, because that is giving your children a terrible role model of a relationship and stops your wife from meeting someone who will love her whole-heartedly. It's also not fair on you either.

But I have a feeling that you might change your views once you wake up to the fact that the affair partner is as flawed as you and that affairs are so often about fantasy and not real life - and real love.

gingerwig · 10/09/2010 10:55

I dont agree that the horse has bolted.
if you both want to stay together and can work at it it is perfectly possible to get over all sort of stuff.
I wish you the best of luck

AnyFucker · 10/09/2010 12:45

GW, my horse bolted comment was in response to OP saying he didn't want to hurt his children

Not in regard as to whether their marriage is finished for good

I would say that decision is wholly in the hands of his wife

littlecritter · 10/09/2010 13:29

You have already hurt your children by treating their mother badly (not saying you set out to do that). You talk about your preference to stay with the children but you should now be putting their needs first, not yours. They need a stable home with happy parents who respect each other. You don't have to live together to provide that.

You need to be totally honest with your wife or she will go on hating you. The truth will hurt but you are disempowering her by witholding it. I have a feeling that once the truth is out, your wife has moved on and you can see her and the children coping perfectly well without you, you will have second thoughts about your feelings. Imagine the reality of your children living happily with a full time step father who is deeply in love with their mother. I'm not saying that to be spiteful, I'm just pointing out the likely outcome of the situation that you have caused.

You've had your opportunity to be absorbed with your own feelings, now you must allow your wife to express hers. The best thing you can do right now is ensure that your wife and children are provided for financially - do not deprive them of a single penny and ask your wife if she wants you to move out. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2010 14:39

excellent advice, lc

I don't know where OP is, though

SolidGoldBrass · 10/09/2010 14:49

I don't think you should stay with your wife if you don't love her, because I don't think you would be able to conceal from her the fact that you tolerate her for the sake of the DC and would rather be with someone else. No one who has any self-respect would want to keep a partner on these terms.
Do you really think you would be able to resist the temptation, every time the two of you argued, to say 'Well at least I stayed with you, I wish I hadn't now' - or even to use the threat of leaving in order to make your wife feel uneasy and pathetically grateful to you for staying?

Maybe you married too young, maybe it was an intertia relationship (ie both of you thought the other person was OK and getting married is just what people do so you thought you might as well...). Maybe your wife doesn't love you, either, and when she's calmed down from realising that you have lied to her - and it's the lying that hurts people the most - she might decide that the best thing to do would be separate as kindly and calmly as possible.

gingerwig · 10/09/2010 17:51

why has the horse bolted regards the kids? why assume they know?

Dione · 10/09/2010 17:57

OP, I think that couple counselling would be good for you. Even if you two do break up it will give you both a chance to deal with what happened within your marriage and help you handle the split in the least damaging way possible for you two and the kids. On the other hand, you may start to see things differently and decide that your marriage is worth fighting for and work through this.

littlecritter · 10/09/2010 18:11

Maybe the dc know, maybe they don't. They will certainly know that their mother is very upset and hurt about something. They will pick up on her suffering and the tension even if they don't know that their family unit is in jepoardy. Whichever way it goes there will be an effect on the dc.

KristinaM · 10/09/2010 18:16

what dione said

Coolfonz · 10/09/2010 18:17

when you say stay together for the kids what you really mean is stay in the same house so the kids don't get really upset because they will find out i've fucked someone else and blame me. then i can also fuck other women and have the best of both worlds and my wife might be an idiot enough to let me.

suck it up mate and fuck off...ain't no such thing as family.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 10/09/2010 18:22

Get a divorce .Marriage is for people that love and respect each other, if u dont then piss off and leave them provided for.

Coca · 10/09/2010 18:26

George your comment re 80% vs 100% struck a chord with me. I think I'm in an 80% marriage if you see what I mean. I love my husband but wouldn't describe myself as in love any more. Lust etc is bound to fade after 10 years but try and look to the future can you see yourself with your wife when you're old? Look back, what made you fall in love with her? I think 80% is worth fighting for.

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