Should I stay in my marriage for the kids?

[GeorgeBaker]

Hi,

I am a 36 y/old man. I recently had a very brief, very intence affair with someone, it has all ended very messily, in that my wife found out and its become a painful situation all round, involving lots of people.

Please feel free at this stage to direct any verbal abuse at me, I'm kinda getting used to it, although I totally deserve it.

My wife and I have 2 kids together and I love my kids more than anything in the world. I know though that I don't love my wife anymore. She is a wonderful person, attractive, good fun, great mother and is great in so many ways. However, I have fallen out of love with her and have for a while.

My question though is should we stay together for the sake of the kids? Is it better to have 2 parents who love their kids but are apart, than have 2 parents who live under the same roof but the love has gone?

Hope there is some sense out there, cause right now i don't know whether I am coming or going.

George

[AnyFucker]

WWIFN and I

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Fantastic. You've got a mandate from your wife, then get on with it!

I totally understand why your DW feels this way.

And all the while, she is looking at your inertia and wondering whether this is cowardice on your part. I understand about your DC and minimising the damage, so get this done off of school premises and start taking some action.

How are you going to do that, George?

[sandsad]

WWIFN - you are bloody amazing.

MN should be paying you as their resident relationship counsellor.

Good luck with it George.

[GeorgeBaker]

AF, of course you can! It defo helps to have a balance. Everyone sees things through their own experiences right, so it helps to have a range of opinion and advice.
Thanks for contributing.

And sandsad, I totally agree, this is the best advice I have recieved on this by far.

[GeorgeBaker]

WWIFN, well i am away at the moment, a good 100 miles away. Not thru choice, I would rather be there fronting up to this.
I have left a message and sent a text saying I want to talk and put the record straight on a few things, so far nothing back. I will try and call again later, but i think he doesn't want to talk. I will be back up around in a week or so and will suggest to meet, well away from school grounds.
Last resort would be to send an email.

[rosiehashope]

This is such an interesting thread - the mans perspective is fascinating.

Just to add my tuppence worth, my husband cheated (twice) and we are still together (I know I know) and I cannot say that I am happy and but the reason for this is very simple. DH does not treat me with any love or respect. My internal dialogue goes something like... you cant talk to me like that after what you did to me and I took you back grrrrrr GRRRRRR!... not healthy.

So my advice - tell her you love her, that she is beautiful, that you love her, that you never realised until you thought you were going to lose her how much she means to you, that she is the best mother, that you love her, that she is desirable, that you love her, that she is gorgeous, that you are sorry to the end of the earth and keep telling her all that for the rest of your life. Never stop. Because the resentment will knaw at her forever unless she feels utterly secure.

Obviously whilst everything is so raw for her it wont fix it but if you manage to stay together know that you need to make it up to her for every day the rest of your lives by treating her with the massive amount of love and respect that she deserves.

My sister got divorced (she cheated and left the marriage) but she now regrets it and councils me to stay - divorce is not fun or easy by a very long shot.

Good luck - and do anything and everything to show her that she is the only woman for you.

And never do it again!

[GeorgeBaker]

Thanks for joining us Rosiehashope.
I know that I wouldn't cheat again. The situation i have been in this last year which left me open to this happening, wouldn't happen again. I dont believe the mantra once a cheater, always a cheater.
I have said all of the above and more.
I have even offered to sign a piece of paper which says if I ever do this again I would sign away my rights to the kids and ANY financial settlement. Because it is still so raw, its falling on deaf ears.
I was even thinking of doing a {lower-rent} version of this, but perhaps I really am crazy after all! :
I hope your own situation improves. Personally I have found MN to be an amazing help.

[AnyFucker]

George, I haven't experienced this

But I know right from wrong, and something about human nature

[GeorgeBaker]

havent experienced what sorry AF? you mean once a cheater always a cheater?

[AnyFucker]

sorry, the thread had moved on before I realised it

I was referring to your comment that people post from their own experiences, and I haven't experienced this level of betrayal

[highlandspringerdog]

No way. You should never ever ever stay together 'FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS' as you are not actually doing them a favour raising them with a loveless relationship at the centre of their home. if you have had an affair AND you are sensible enough and in touch enough with your feelings to know that you don't love your wife anymore ,then the most selfless thing you can do is end the relationship now, keeping it as friendly and respectful as possible.

When i got to university a lot of my friends parents began to split up - about 4 or 5 sets of parents got divorced within all of our first year of uni - the parents had stayed together 'for the sake of the children' - but none of my friends thanked them for it. they all knew full well that their parents did not love each other and were not happy together and were without exception relieved when their parents finally split up- just resentful they hadn't done it previously, despite it being obviously what should happen.

Happy parents make happy children. I think you know what you need to do!

[rosiehashope]

Do you know Hugh Grant or similar filmstar type? Not sure it would be the same coming from Richard Madeley !

The good news is that you seem to have come round to the idea that you do want to be with your wife - and not just for the sake of the kids. I agree with HSdog that unhappy parents are not good for the kids.

Stay but stay for HER. No way either of you will be happy if you only stay for the kids.

[AnyFucker]

George...out of interest...do you wish you had chosen a different title for your thread ?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

The thread contains more posts than the original one, Highland.

George I don't believe that mantra either, as long as an infidelity is discovered/confessed and hugely regretted. What is frequently under-estimated is the damage it does to the cheater. My H said in the very early days that he would never do this to hinself again, let alone me and the DCs.

Just get on with what your wife has asked you to do. 100 miles is nothing - and keep trying with the H. You need to act quickly on this George, because every day after discovery seems to last a lifetime and the rollercoaster of emotions doesn't help. The DCs have been back at school a while now - certainly long enough for these untruths to have taken hold.

You see, what I think your wife wants you to do is to take actions that are going to feel hugely uncomfortable to you; not as a penance, but as a way of redressing the balance and putting people straight. Uploading a YouTube video is relatively undemanding - whereas facing people and putting your hands up, visibly and audibly protecting your wife, is difficult.

Facing her family and friends is also going to be difficult, but do it you must.

If she sees you travelling out of your comofort zone at the rate of knots, doing things you'd previously have run a mile from, she might just take you seriously. Others in her circle might also comment: "Bloody hell, he's got guts doing that, he must really love his wife" etc. Their Hs might agree and so it goes on....

[GoInky]

Gee, some of you are very direct indeed. I myself am a bit wondering about the same question though. I am the mum in this case, and I seriously wonder whether I still love my husband. Deep within I still do. However there are sooo many things that keep on frustrating me, and it is such hard work to constantly talk things over. We do that a lot though. A lot of trust and intimacy has gone, we don't seem to share a lot of the same opinions and interests, we are seldom truly nice to eachother and I often somehow don't even see why I should be nice to him after he just did something that upset me or frustrated me.

However, when I think of leaving I know he will fight for our child, and am pretty sure he will win. Also I know he still loves me, so for now I have decided I will stay with him for the sake of our son. Better to have 2 parents that are slightly out of touch than having only one, and at least a number of years of full-on fighting.

Somehow some of you make it all sound so easy, for me, in reality it all seems much more complicated.

Good luck, I do hope you sort it all out in a while OP.

[highlandspringerdog]

o yes - i see that noW! I just read the OP.
Well if you love her and she loves you - it is all still to play for! You need to work man. Put your heart and your soul into it.


I am a bit mystified though, about how you didn't love her in your OP, but you do love her now.

[GeorgeBaker]

Rosie - not sure hugh grant is the best role model for this situation, given his past!

AF - absolutely. It was written in a fit of anger and with me thinking 'ah well, i've messed up, whats the best I can do for the kids now'. On reflection, i knew there was alot to fight for, not just for the sake of the kids, but to try and get over this last year and to try and somehow in some way repair the damage. Giving it a try is the very least I can do.

WWIFN, completely, i've tried to speak to him again but its not being answered. Will keep trying.

[GeorgeBaker]

highlandspring, you need to read the whole thread really, if you really have the time!

[highlandspringerdog]

I don't! But I am glad you have got to the place you are in. It sounds more happy than the OP...so good news!

[littlecritter]

George, can I go back to the point about the OW being predatory and persuing you. Even if this is true I would be very cautious about voicing that. OW and her H are hardly going to agree and will no doubt come up with something to make you out to be the predator, causing your wife even more hurt.

[GeorgeBaker]

LC, plenty of people know what she is like and she made it obvious to some mutual friends before that she wanted me. OW thinks I am still after her, so DW wants me at least to put them straight on that and let OW H know what happened and that I am not after her and that I see this as one big mistake and that really she meant nothing to me. All true btw, but DW wants the point made to them.

[elastamum]

GB I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by talking to the poor H of the other woman.

You own your own behaviour and the who chased who is a bit academic, you could have always said no!!?? It might be easier for you to blame the OW to her husband but I dont see who you are helping here.

Having divorced a serial adulterer a couple of years ago I dont buy any of your excuses. At this point you need take full responsibility for what you have done. It does take two people to have an affair! Are you really so weak you cant say no???

You need to try to make amends to your wife if you really mean it. If you dont do her a big favour and clear off before you do it again.

I had 3 years of hell before I wised up and finally divorced my lying cheating H. I wouldnt wish that on anyone 'for the sake of the kids'

[itsallmadness]

George, really feel for what you must be going through. Well done for trying to keep your marriage going and not leaving.

You did say that the affair was intense yet it only lasted one week. This ' one week' seems to have caused so much pain. If the ow is a school mum how did you manage such an intense week? Sorry if this sounds so negative, but just trying to understand how you got to this state.

It also sounds as though you and your dw already knew the ow and her husband before the affair, as you implied that you were already friends and also have mutual friends, so surely this would make it more awful for your dw. Did your ' mutual friends' not warn you or your dw what ow wanted before you started the affair. If your mutual friends have this information, can they convey the message to both betrayed partners?

Are you basically saying that if you make ow's husband understand that it was his dw that chased you, that your dw would take you back?

Even if you managed to talk to ow's husband, do you think he would believe you over his dw?

Sorry if i am sounding harsh, it is good to hear the 'other side'.

[elastamum]

BTW, in that time I had several declarations of undying love, admissions that he had made a big mistake etc, etc,etc Dont believe everything you hear girls.

He did admit after we seperated that he would have chosen to stay married but probably would have gone on cheating from time to time. For him it was all about the thrill. All our friends were gobsmacked when we split. They all thought we got on really well - apart from the affairs we did