Should I stay in my marriage for the kids?

[GeorgeBaker]

Hi,

I am a 36 y/old man. I recently had a very brief, very intence affair with someone, it has all ended very messily, in that my wife found out and its become a painful situation all round, involving lots of people.

Please feel free at this stage to direct any verbal abuse at me, I'm kinda getting used to it, although I totally deserve it.

My wife and I have 2 kids together and I love my kids more than anything in the world. I know though that I don't love my wife anymore. She is a wonderful person, attractive, good fun, great mother and is great in so many ways. However, I have fallen out of love with her and have for a while.

My question though is should we stay together for the sake of the kids? Is it better to have 2 parents who love their kids but are apart, than have 2 parents who live under the same roof but the love has gone?

Hope there is some sense out there, cause right now i don't know whether I am coming or going.

George

[tb]

Whatever you say to ow's h, he may not either want to believe you, or be able to. From his point of view, if he believes you, and is forced to admit to himself that ow is voracious and will throw herself at anything in trousers, that truth may be very hard, if not impossible to swallow. Accepting it will mean he will have to have a long hard look at his relationship with her. That could be something he is neither willing nor able to do.

Something that you posted made me wonder. In some way the feelings of being 'in love' can be a bit heady, or even like infatuation, but, on the other hand, loving can be much deeper, more satisfying and lasting. Just my take on it - 'twas 'in love' with a bastard for 6 years, but have loved and been married for 33 years to dh (even though he can be a complete git at times).

[littlecritter]

If you knew she was like this why didn't you see it coming? I'm sorry but you are equally to blame. If my XP said he was too weak to resist it would have served to further increase my resolve to end the relationship.

Getting into a dialogue with OW or her H will end in tears. If it's what your wife is requesting then maybe you should do it but be careful what you say. I would just stick at how sorry you are for what has happened and that it's helped you to realise how much you really love your wife. Then try to wish them well if you manage to get that far.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It doesn't matter whether the H believes George or not - that's not his remit after all. His DW has asked him to tell people (including the H) how it was, not to convince people.

I agree that on the surface, the H might have to continue in denial about his wife, but given that like George, the OW wasn't forced to have an affair, at some level, the man might finally confront his demons and see the truth of this. You can only bargain away so much, after all. I also imagine that a few people are already casting doubt about the OW's story, given her declared intentions to her friends, before the affair started.

It's up to the H what he does with this information, but George needs to fulfil this request and start batting for his wife. She wants a voice in this - and the most powerful voice in this horrible situation is George's - and the OW's, if she had any compassion to tell the truth.

At the moment, it matters a great deal to the DW about who pursued whom, not least because if she sees George putting people straight (especially the OW and her H), this demonstrates that he was telling her the truth.

Whereas if George lets them all get on with it and does nothing to counter these rumours that he pursued the OW and still wants her, his DW is entitled to think that George is lying about the events leading up to the affair.

It might seem strange to some posters, but I understand why this is so important to George's DW. When you have been deceived, it is terribly important for you to verify that after discovery, the deceit has ended and your partner is now telling the truth,

[littlecritter]

How true, WWIFN. That is why my P is an X.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

And in your case LC, I'm jolly glad to hear it. And you will know that this is said because of my knowledge of your own post-affair story and because I have so much faith in you. Keep strong and enjoy NY!

[littlecritter]

Thank you, WWIFN , Manhattan here I come. Comforting to know that you're keeping an eye on me. If I hadn't listened to you I probably would have ended up sweeping everything under the carpet. Things have to get a whole lot worse before they can get better but XP wasn't prepared to face that. His loss will be greater than mine. Take heed, George.

[GeorgeBaker]

Well, spoke with OW's H. Can't say that it's made the situation any worse but I don't think it's particularly helped the situation either.

At least I said my piece, made it clear it was a total mistake and that I have no interest in OW and for them to stop talking about it to all and sundry. And hopefully made the first step for DW.

[AnyFucker]

what did he say to you, george ?

does he believe you about his wife ?

[littlecritter]

Good for you George but how will you prove to your wife that the conversation went as you are saying? You see I would have wanted to hear that dialogue first hand because I had so much mistrust. But if she believes you then that is fine.

[GeorgeBaker]

AF, he said he didn't want to talk to me at first.
I said I had to put some things straight, first of which is that i have no interest in his wife and i am not chasing her, it was a big mistake, but i am hearing that 'i am still chasing her'. He said, 'well not from him, must be her'.
I apologised for it happening, he didn't want to know; then asked him kindly to keep a lid on it and not involve the school, he said he wasn't and that he didn't want to talk anymore.

I suggested to meet up in a couple of weeks, he said yes, but only because he wants to punch me, which is fair enough.

Not sure its helped really.

[AnyFucker]

it may have

although he sounds like he's in a really bad place, tbh

[GeorgeBaker]

LC, sure it will be relayed to her to back up what I said. There were many more things I could have said which would have really stitched up the OW, but i just didn't think it was necessary to stir things up even more.

[GeorgeBaker]

AF - he was very calm actually; I believe he has had to forgive before and this is part of some pattern they go through.

[littlecritter]

George, forget about stitching anyone up! You and the OW have already done enough damage. Concentrate on winning your wife's trust.

[AnyFucker]

he sounds depressed

[littlecritter]

And just because she's done it before doesn't let you even partially off the hook.

[AnyFucker]

nope

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It sounds as though he's got seeds of doubt about his wife if he suggested it might be her spreading the rumours, doesn't it?

No sure yet what I think of this myself, but what do you think about following up with an E mail to him? The tone should be ultra-conciliatory and should start with thanking him for speaking to you today. And then in this E mail (which you will of course show to yor DW) write some stuff that you didn't get a chance to say today.

Stick to sincere and abject apologies for what you have done and the intense love you feel for your wife. That you would do anything to be given another chance with her, that you've never done anything like this before and will never be unfaithful again. You might say that for your part, this had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that you were at a low ebb when the association started with his wife.

That you hope that his wife has taken responsibility for it and that he isn't blaming himself, like so many people do in these situations. It wasn't your wife's fault and it wasn't his. There were only two people responsible for this - and you are genuinely sorry for the pain you have caused.

It would be worth offering to answer any question he might have and to promise him that you will tell the absolute truth. That this is what you would like to be able to do if the situations were reversed.

Tell him you understand completely that he wants to land one on you, but hope that the offer of a dialogue will help him heal more easily.

The benefit of this is that you get to say what you need to, in a considered way - and it will prove to your wife both that you called him - and that you're willing to face a horrendous situation.

What do you think?

[gingerwig]

George you have had some great advice here.

Can you answer the following questions honestly :

1)would you still desperately want to mend your marriage if you and your wife DID NOT have children?

2) there is a lot of advice here about really trying to convince your wife how much you love her and how sorry you are... BUT....prior to the affair do you think she loved YOU? Is there any possibility she was unhappy back then , and the affair is the final push she needs to leave the marriage?

[GeorgeBaker]

Thanks again WWIFN, i'm going to leave them for now. I feel like I need to concentrate on DW completely now. OW and OWH can be left to sort out their own stuff; no doubt they will be on repeat in time to come, I would rather focus all on DW now.

[GeorgeBaker]

GW, agree great advice been offered up, thanks all.
In answer:

1. Yes I would. Obviously having kids gives it that added impetus, but I am pretty sure that I would want to, yes. I'm also pretty sure that none of this would have happened prior to having kids, not of course that they can be blamed in anyway.
   

1. Yes, DW was unhappy with me, because I was so down and miserable, stressed and hard to lvie with. She says she didn't stop loving me, but she certainly went off me in a big way and I dont blame her. But she says she wasn't at the point where she wanted it to end, she just wanted me back to my old self. I certainly dont believe or have been told by DW that this brief affair is the final push she was looking for.

[gingerwig]

that's two very positive replies!

There is hope! Once again I wish you the very best.

[TDaDa]

I can relate to blueshoes @ Fri 10-Sep-10 23:57:07

My dad had affairs. Whilst I feel sorry for my mom, I am mostly grateful for the happy childhood and education that they provided. They are still together and there is some imperfect love between them.

I am not planning to have affairs but whatever happens, I can't see how I could ever leave my children, whatever happened in my personal life. And if my wife had an affair and we could find some peace then my pereference would be to find some arrangement to preserve my kids happiness and access to both of us.

...BUT I know that splitting up from a cheating husband is often the right answer.