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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something stupid

131 replies

undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:23

Be warned this may be a long one.....

Basically I slept with someone yesterday - and I don't mean dh....

He and his wife are good friends of dh and myself, we see each other regularly, kids best friends etc. Over the last month or so he and I have been doing quite a bit of mutual flirting which has led onto regular texting, texts getting quite steamy. We've met for a quick snog/grope when we can. He makes me feel amazing - passionate, desired, sexy etc, which dh doesn't though I've tried to feel like that - all the things that people feel when embarking on an affair (except not sure I can really call it that...). I even bought very sexy underwear for him.

Anyway yesterday he got home early and came round (at my suggestion) - we only had 15 minutes and as it was one of the only occassions we had to be alone at home we ended up in bed. It lasted all of 5 minutes and the second it was over he legged it home to have a bath before his dw got home. I knew we didn't have much time but even so suddenly found myself weeping buckets, and not sure why.

Still can't work it out completely - I didn't feel particularly 'used', but the sex wasn't good for me, to be honest after all the texts we'd sent saying what we'd do if we could in the end it came down to a quick sh*g.

Yesterday afternoon I was delerious with delight knowing something was going to happen, and also wondering how long it would go on for. And now I know it's over. The spark that was there has gone. There have been none of the naughty texts that made me grin from ear to ear - just a few saying are you ok. (I texted back saying I wasn't sure and haven't had a response...).

I just feel so let down. It was supposed to be so passionate and all-encompassing and has just fizzled like a damp squib.

I know I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like I've been dumped and I haven't but my emotions are all over the place.

At least now it's over and I've learnt my lesson. I know dh and I need to work on our marriage which is basically OK but he doesn't do a great deal for me to be honest. And how do I explain all the new underwear - which he isn't the remotest bit interested in.

Oh I'm just going round in circles here. Please tell me it'll get better. Also really unsure how I'm going to face the other guy - we're due to see him with some other friends tonight. Serves me right I guess...

OP posts:
fairyfly · 26/08/2005 11:23

entitled how to keep your knickers on and gain some moral values

kath4kids · 26/08/2005 11:27

I totally agree with everthing thats been said. Think it is impossible to carry on a friendship with someone who you have been inolved with.

But it's a tricky one as its not just him your friends with. I think you should get some counselling and get your own thoughts, emotions worked out. Your still gonna have to deal with the quilt of what you have done and like it or not that is going to affect your relatinship with your dh. If this is left to fester then it will be easier to go back ot this other man the next time he makes your heart skip a beat with a wink or smile or innocent touch.

Fio2 · 26/08/2005 11:32

i think it is impossible to keep friends with someone you have been shagging behind your husbands and friends back, its just gross

grow up, move on,. decide what you want to do and do it, stiop messing people around and ruining your childrens lives along with it

Enid · 26/08/2005 11:32

agree totally with fio

rickman · 26/08/2005 11:38

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 26/08/2005 11:53

Ruth12: In the end I left even though it broke my husband's heart. It was better than living a lie. He deserved better than that. And the rot had started to set in. It would always have been there. We are good friends now (10 years later) and have talked things over rationally with the benefit of years between the present and the awful events of all those years ago.

I was wrong, I was guilty, it was me - he was innocent and didn't deserve to be treated that way.

(This was before children - and I'm glad it was a lesson I learnt not to repeat before I had a family.)

morningpaper · 26/08/2005 11:55

(We were also good friends with the couple - the other couple moved away from the area - that was his way of splitting all ties with me; he knew that as long as we were in close proximity we would always end up back in bed - and he wanted to start again on his marriage.)

SleepyJess · 26/08/2005 11:56

Fio.. I love the way you call a spade a spade!

SleepyJess · 26/08/2005 11:59

Trefusis your post of 1.31am is inspired.. you are a clever lady!

morningpaper · 26/08/2005 12:03

Ruth12: Just read your original post. Sorry to hear about your situation.

I think once you've cheated once because you are unhappy then you will just cheat again and again. Hope you find a way forward.

Fio2 · 26/08/2005 12:05

sleepyjess, there is no sex in our texts to one another is there? even though there are rumours we met in a lesbo internet chat room

suzywong · 26/08/2005 12:05

hear hear trefusis

hindsight does give 20/20 vision, but when one is in the thick of things partial deafness always applies. I hope UCR takes this advice and stops acting like a slapper

3mummy · 26/08/2005 12:14

I think you are a very sick individual. You are selfish and heartless. You don't seem to realise you are not just playing an emotional game here, you are messing about with peoples lives!

If you have a problem within your marraige speak to your DH about it. You are being incredibly unfair and uncaring to decieve him and your friend like this. You are not the only person in this world who matters. Get over yourself, think about your children and your husband. Do they deserve this?

SleepyJess · 26/08/2005 12:16

(Fio, I sincerely hope there is no sex in our texts..! It must be very subliminal if there is .. so you are onto a loser!)

And give over with your 'lesbo' references!! (She doesn't mean it folks.. she clearly just fancies me and is suffering..) (PML!! )

sorry for hijack..

SleepyJess · 26/08/2005 12:17

3mummy..! A sick individual!!?

Fio2 · 26/08/2005 12:18

HAHA SJ

ivebeenthere · 26/08/2005 12:44

Don't think that being judgmental can be of much help to UCR, although I can understand how you feel if you've been cheated on.

However I can understand how UCR feels too, I've been there many years ago before kids. My marriage was going through a bad time, his relationship was dodgy (although they since have married), we worked together, both needed a bit of spice, and went for it. Of course at the time it didn't feel like that, it felt like a grand passion (although like you the sex wasn't half as good as the flirting and anticipation). It eventually fizzled out but went on for a couple of years. We still see each other as friends very irregularly and have even been alone in a room together and there is NO spark whatsoever. So you CAN move on, but it took me years before I could get over it emotionally.

As for your family - well UCR I can understand you when you say you can comparmentalise things. It sounds horrible and it is, but when you're going through it you don't think like that. And yes it did help my marriage - it gave me something exciting to focus on while everything else was shit. Though if my DH had ever found out that would have been a totally different matter. We worked things through and are now happy with 2 kids.

Looking back I can't believe I did it. I can't believe that I ever fancied him and most of all I can't believe I risked my marriage.

UCR, keep on compartmentalising your feelings. Keep what you feel for this guy separate from what you feel for your DH. Then try and work out your feelings for your DH and whether you can work on your marriage and make it what you want it to be. Don't expect grand passion. I can tell you after 20 years you won't get it. But the friendhip and togetherness of a long shared history, and children, and shared aims and ambitions is worth one million steamy shags. If you don't compartmentalise things then you will never be able to decide if your marriage is worth it, you'll always be comparing the way you feel or felt with this guy.

I'm pretty sure you will give in to him again, especially if you socialise a lot. You are playing with fire. Be really careful and try and avoid him until you can feel less confused.

3mummy · 26/08/2005 13:05

I wasn't being judgemental. I stated fact about what she is doing. When I said I think she is a sick individual, it is the truth, I do think that.

Fio2 · 26/08/2005 13:58

I wasnt being judgemental, i was trying to be frank. Being brought up both parents who were adulteress I can tell you from my experience it IS awful. i know for a fact i would deal with my own relationship first before I embarked on another. I think too many people put too much empasis on their private parts tbh

no-one is perfect though, i understand that much as i aint either

Windermere · 26/08/2005 14:17

Trefusis - Great post.

UCR - I bet you a tenner you are back in bed with him within the next two weeks. You have already wrecked your friendship, if you don't want to wreck your marriage then you need to drop your text/sex buddy. It's not worth the heartache, grow up a bit and think of your family. Texting a bloke you have just had sex with in your husbands bed is just as deceitful as continuing with the affair.

SleepyJess · 26/08/2005 15:07

3mummy.. to call UCR 'sick', to me seems unconstructive and not particularly valid (but I obviously place a different definition on the word 'sick'.)

I agree wholeheartedly with much of what has been said to the effect of stop doing it.. sort out your marriage..'refind 'a 'spark' if possible.. but I also feel that it is oh so very easy to judge if you have not been in this situation.. and in a particular set of circumstances. And 'this situation' is perhaps easier to find oneself in than a person might realise. Marriage, even to the 'love of your life' can become mundane, if often only temporarily.... marriages need working at.. ALL of them do at some point!.. to keep them alive in all respects and let's face it, most of us know it can be bloody hard work at times. And being as we are all human, and none of us perfect, I don't think it's exaggerating to suggest that any one of us, caught at the wrong moment, could feel a lot of the attraction/temptation, for someone other than our other-halves, that UCR is talking about. It is then of course a case of those feelings being reciprocated and then the biggy.. what you do about it. The 'right' 'sensible' 'nice' option is do get a grip.. and don't give into temptation. And I personally believe that the person I am today would be able to do just that.

But the person I used to be couldn't/didn't.. and so I also remember very well the ability to 'compartmentalise'.. it almost comes naturally at the time.. and I think, indicates that a you are not the selfish cow some might think you are, (not YOU necessarily, UCR, but any 'you') because someone without regard for the feelings of those involved would not feel the need to compartmentalise any of it.. they would just sail through it, doing as they pleased!

And with regard to the 'person I used to be'.. that's another valid point.. we all llive/learn/change/evolve. I am not the same person I once was.. but if I think back, there is nothing on earth that would have stopped me cheating on my husband back then.. I just didn't have it in me. Today everything is different. Different husband no less, too.. but this is not the whole reason I wouldn't cheat. To not cheat, IMO, you have to feel the right degree of everything.. the right amount of respect for your DH and for yourself, the right amount of love, have the right amount of abilty to forward-think, the right amount of self-respect..it's a pretty tall order actually.. and all at the right time to stop yourself doing it!.. And none of this is about being a selfish/nasty/sick person or a nice/faithful/honest/'perfect' person.. . It's all too easy to say 'no way would I cheat'. Many of us would be right in saying that.. there is no way we would.. but given the same set of cirsumstances and feelings as UCR is in/feeling at the moment, than you could bet your life that a great many of those that 'wouldn't'.. might.

Anyway UCR, it's what you do next that counts now. What's done is done.. and just because some have predicted that you will be back in bed with him within a couple of weeks, doesn't mean you will.. you might find, from this thread, or any other source, a reason not to. And then you won't.

kath4kids · 26/08/2005 16:00

Have u watched neighbours today? Imagine how u would feel if the boot was on the other foot and u discovered that your dh had done this to u. I've been there and believe me someone will find out eventually and people can be cruel and u can guarantee they wont keep it quiet. Don't let your dh be the last to find out the betrayl and hurt is extreme to think that the person u love even wants a thrill that you cant provide for them

3mummy · 26/08/2005 16:43

I am there at the moment. I found out last saturday. We have 3 DDs, youngest is 5mths. I loved him with every part of me, wholey and implicitly. We had everything. It is all gone. I'm suffering, my children are suffering. I don't know how to cope, my mind won't switch off. I can't eat or sleep, I am functioning purely for my children at the moment.

The other woman was my friend. Her eldest son is best friends with my eldest DD, they go to school together. My husband played golf weekly with hers, they were friends. I feel like my life is over.

UCR, I think you are pathetic. You wouldn't be in this situation and you wouldn't have to ask for advice if you had done the right and decent thing in the first place - talk to your husband. Did your vows mean nothing? Why bother?

Bugsy2 · 26/08/2005 16:55

3mummy, I am so very sorry for your current situation. I have also been there, discovered my H was having an affair - lived through 2 awful years of fighting for my marriage, separation & then divorce.
However, it is not really fair to tell UCR that she is pathetic. Life is not black & white, issues are rarely straightforward and we all make mistakes.
You are probably feeling very raw and angry right now - completely justifiably but UCR is/was looking for advice.

kath4kids · 26/08/2005 16:57

Oh 3 mummy i do so feel for u. I am 9-10 weeks on from exactly same situation she was best friend. If you want to talk on another thread will be happy to talk to u, otherwise we may hijack this thread. Read prob archieved by now husband having affair, probably relate to a lot of things and see that things do get better