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Relationships

Done something stupid

131 replies

undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:23

Be warned this may be a long one.....

Basically I slept with someone yesterday - and I don't mean dh....

He and his wife are good friends of dh and myself, we see each other regularly, kids best friends etc. Over the last month or so he and I have been doing quite a bit of mutual flirting which has led onto regular texting, texts getting quite steamy. We've met for a quick snog/grope when we can. He makes me feel amazing - passionate, desired, sexy etc, which dh doesn't though I've tried to feel like that - all the things that people feel when embarking on an affair (except not sure I can really call it that...). I even bought very sexy underwear for him.

Anyway yesterday he got home early and came round (at my suggestion) - we only had 15 minutes and as it was one of the only occassions we had to be alone at home we ended up in bed. It lasted all of 5 minutes and the second it was over he legged it home to have a bath before his dw got home. I knew we didn't have much time but even so suddenly found myself weeping buckets, and not sure why.

Still can't work it out completely - I didn't feel particularly 'used', but the sex wasn't good for me, to be honest after all the texts we'd sent saying what we'd do if we could in the end it came down to a quick sh*g.

Yesterday afternoon I was delerious with delight knowing something was going to happen, and also wondering how long it would go on for. And now I know it's over. The spark that was there has gone. There have been none of the naughty texts that made me grin from ear to ear - just a few saying are you ok. (I texted back saying I wasn't sure and haven't had a response...).

I just feel so let down. It was supposed to be so passionate and all-encompassing and has just fizzled like a damp squib.

I know I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like I've been dumped and I haven't but my emotions are all over the place.

At least now it's over and I've learnt my lesson. I know dh and I need to work on our marriage which is basically OK but he doesn't do a great deal for me to be honest. And how do I explain all the new underwear - which he isn't the remotest bit interested in.

Oh I'm just going round in circles here. Please tell me it'll get better. Also really unsure how I'm going to face the other guy - we're due to see him with some other friends tonight. Serves me right I guess...

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Sympathetic · 23/08/2005 16:04

Did something similiar several years ago - and FWIW I think men are different, they are turned on by the sex, and not by the anticipation of / fantasing about sex as many women are. I feel sorry for you, you must be feeling crap at the moment. Truth is, he was probably just in it for the sh*g, not for the way it made him feel - that doesn't make him a bad person, just a man!

Two cliches / truisms I've been told which helped me in the past:

  1. Remember that it's very unlikely that your husband will be the last person you fall in love with.
  2. Poem about illicit sex:
    There's nothing
    So boring
    As 'ought'
    There's nothing
    So sexy
    As 'ought not'

    Hang in there, remember you kids, and keep the illicit memories to cheer you up every once in a while (they will in the end, when the crap feelings have gone).

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Blu · 23/08/2005 16:05

tbh, in the long term, I think your position in your marriage, and how you manage your happiness are the main concern, not that you had a fling.
CAN you live without the passion / excitement you fell for? Because if you keep doing this, it will end with destroying the safe-but-passionless relationship you have with your DH. If you don't love your DH and you can't live without passion, then you will have to leave sooner or later. The only option is to find a substitute for passion - committment to your children and to friendship, or another way to sublimate your feelings.

This is the big thing you are going to have to struggle with - affairs and flings like this can provide a distaction, and if you take the cowardly way out (and very many people have) you will wait until havoc and destruction lead to your DH discovering and hi being the one to throw you out.

You have had a close shave - time to think about the bigger picture - as you do say in your post.

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Mud · 23/08/2005 16:06

Undercoverregular seems to feel that what she has done is not that bad and feels justified in being let down. She seems more bothered by lack of orgasm than the fact that she has taken her marriage so lightly. I am not surprised this kind of post is being judged. By her actions she's making light of marriage and all the work that others put in to make theirs work. I am saddend by the post

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BunnyBoo · 23/08/2005 16:07

I understand what you are saying but all i can see from your posts is that you are being a bit Selfish. I don't mean to be horrible but you seem to want it all your way i just think try and put yourself in your dh's shoes is well maybe he deserves better than this??

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Munchkinola · 23/08/2005 16:08

I don't read it like that at all mud. She was asking for help from others who may or may not of been in this situation.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:08

Emily05 (and Bunnyboo) - that's the thing I'm not sure why I feel how I do. Whether cos the sex was bad or the spark has gone or cos I have cheated. That's what I meant when I said I still want him - I do but know it won't happen. I know it's stupid but I still have this fantasy of how wonderful everything could be in my head. The reality is that it's not like that, not will it be so I will just pretend it didn;t happen and move on. Easier said than done though and has raised questions about my marriage that I didn't want to raise.

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Mud · 23/08/2005 16:11

see no sense of guilt, letting down a partner or family see selfish preoccupation with own feelings think she needs to think seriously about self and relationships in her life and decide whether to make them work or whether to keep feeling like the centre of the iniverse

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emily05 · 23/08/2005 16:11

trouble is in your mind you are probably looking at this affair as an escape it is one of those 'grass is always greener' things. By actually sleeping together and ending the flirtation it has brought you back down to earth with a bang.

You do need to address why your life is not fulfilling you and I think that you deserve to be happy and I dont think that going down this affair root will make you happy (hope that makes sense)

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Lizzylou · 23/08/2005 16:11

Perhaps she is feeling let down that her attempts in finding some passion in her life have ultimately proved fruitless? UCR has also said that she has suffered with low self-esteem and someone making you feel so wanted and "hot" is surely pretty irresistable when you feel so low.
I do think that Undercoverregular has some decisons to make re: her marriage...she is obviously finding it hard to live without excitement and passion, which I would too TBH.
I think having an affair (esp so close to home) is the wrong way to go about injecting some excitement, Undercover, but feel bad for you that you felt that was your only option.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:12

Mud - just trying to work out my feelings that's all, trying to work out why I feel so crap, may help me understand what if anything I need to do and decisions I need to make. Have to say I wasn't expecting to be in so many floods of tears reading this - am in the office as well.

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Munchkinola · 23/08/2005 16:15

Dont do anything hasty (sp)

Take a step back for a while and think things through.

(munch passes you a tissue)

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steph1974 · 23/08/2005 16:20

Am naff with advice but just had to say flippin heck,what a dilemma.(not helpful i know)

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marthamoo · 23/08/2005 16:23

Sounds to me like a classic case of the anticipation being so much better than the event. You had built this flirtation up into a great, passionate love affair - expecting mind blowing sex and when it came down to it it was just a sh*g, not a very good one, and you maybe feel a bit used (although you say you don't). It also (sorry to sound harsh) sounds like he got what he wanted and is not that interested any more.

I'm not judging you - you sound very unhappy with your marriage though, on the face of it, there's a lot there worth salvaging. It doesn't sound like this 'fling' has done anything for your self-esteem Is there no way you can work on your marriage - try and re-kindle the spark of whatever made you get married in the first place?

You say there is no way you can leave your husband - but the way things are now is no basis for a long lasting relationship is it? One of my (married) friends has been having an affair for years with a married man - she says it makes her feel sexy and desirable and gives her that thrill of excitement she craves. She says she doesn't want her lover to leave his wife, and she won't leave her dh - he is a good father and provider, but their marriage is dead. She says a lot of things but what I see is a deeply unhappy woman. I don't know what the answer is but I hope you find a way forward.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:27

Marthamoo - yep you're right anticipation so much better. he does want more though - just had a 'you were great last night' type text

Thanks for tissue munch - much needed!

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marthamoo · 23/08/2005 16:28

Question is, do you want more?

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Branster · 23/08/2005 16:30

maybe he feels it wasn't a very good s**g just like you do.

5 minutes is rubish unless you knew each other and fancied a quickie, otherwise if it was 'proper' sex (with long prelude etc, romantic setting) you might have had a better memory of it.
i wouldn't tell dh if i were you.

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marthamoo · 23/08/2005 16:31

I wouldn't tell dh either - it would serve no purpose.

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Blu · 23/08/2005 16:31

Just bear in mind how many indiscretions / infidelities have been discovered by MN-ers because of stored texts.
Men seem particularly lax in deleting evidence.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:34

Branster - your right.

Marthamoo - I don't know. I know I shouldn't, but I'm still hooked on the fantasy and the possibility that it could be good. But don't know. He might try and come over in a while. Not sure what to do if he does - no 5 min quickie for sure. But tell him it was good fun while it lasted but that's it??? Need some time away from this one but can't get any - have to work all week.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:35

Blu - we've both deleted both inbox and sent texts.

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Munchkinola · 23/08/2005 16:37

Noooooo, try to avoid seeing him on your own while you are all upset and confused. It will only go one way for sure.

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adviceanon · 23/08/2005 16:40

Undercover, do feel sorry for your DH, however, thats not the question here!I think everyone is right re anticipation etc. May also be that your marital issues have suddenly been flung right in your face, more so because of same disappointment in this escapade as in your marriage??? If you honestly feel that sticking with DH is best for kids and family then really you need to think about how to make your family environment as best it can be otherwise that decision is pointless. I dont know much on that score (did go through a "not sure if i wanna be with this man 4ever type thing" a few yrs back with my DP and in the end, realised all his great qualities and couldnt love him more. Maybe you could do the same. I guess thats what happens in a large amount of arranged marriages in it. Then there might be some joy for all of you in the end.

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steph1974 · 23/08/2005 16:40

Yeh i agree with munchkinola,dont let him near unless you want round 2(which i think maybe you might?),and if i got a text that just said "you were great last night "instead of something more along the lines of "i cant stop thinkin about you,you are very special",well,i wouldnt be very happy,doesnt sound very promising does it?

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adviceanon · 23/08/2005 16:43

I dont think it wise to pursue this fantasy - i dont think you will ever be really satisfied by it. I think you have realised that already though. Maybe the steamy txts is as good as it will ever get and so maybe you should both keep it that way, as a sort of "hobby" to keep you both a bit sane???? Without hurting anyone else more than you have done???

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marthamoo · 23/08/2005 16:53

Bottom line is you only have one life to live - are you prepared to spend it being unhappy and dissatisfied (obviously not all your life is like that - but a marriage is a huge part of your life)? If not, then what changes can you, or are you prepared to make, to make it better?

You can go on having sex with this man - it may even get to be great sex - but where is that going to take you? A lot of people (not least you) stand to get very hurt.

I don't have the answers - but I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

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