Done something stupid

[undercoverregular]

Be warned this may be a long one.....

Basically I slept with someone yesterday - and I don't mean dh....

He and his wife are good friends of dh and myself, we see each other regularly, kids best friends etc. Over the last month or so he and I have been doing quite a bit of mutual flirting which has led onto regular texting, texts getting quite steamy. We've met for a quick snog/grope when we can. He makes me feel amazing - passionate, desired, sexy etc, which dh doesn't though I've tried to feel like that - all the things that people feel when embarking on an affair (except not sure I can really call it that...). I even bought very sexy underwear for him.

Anyway yesterday he got home early and came round (at my suggestion) - we only had 15 minutes and as it was one of the only occassions we had to be alone at home we ended up in bed. It lasted all of 5 minutes and the second it was over he legged it home to have a bath before his dw got home. I knew we didn't have much time but even so suddenly found myself weeping buckets, and not sure why.

Still can't work it out completely - I didn't feel particularly 'used', but the sex wasn't good for me, to be honest after all the texts we'd sent saying what we'd do if we could in the end it came down to a quick sh*g.

Yesterday afternoon I was delerious with delight knowing something was going to happen, and also wondering how long it would go on for. And now I know it's over. The spark that was there has gone. There have been none of the naughty texts that made me grin from ear to ear - just a few saying are you ok. (I texted back saying I wasn't sure and haven't had a response...).

I just feel so let down. It was supposed to be so passionate and all-encompassing and has just fizzled like a damp squib.

I know I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like I've been dumped and I haven't but my emotions are all over the place.

At least now it's over and I've learnt my lesson. I know dh and I need to work on our marriage which is basically OK but he doesn't do a great deal for me to be honest. And how do I explain all the new underwear - which he isn't the remotest bit interested in.

Oh I'm just going round in circles here. Please tell me it'll get better. Also really unsure how I'm going to face the other guy - we're due to see him with some other friends tonight. Serves me right I guess...

[Gizmo]

UCR

Life throws some dreadful dilemmas around sometimes, doesn't it?

You have my sympathy, BUT, whatever you do, don't see this guy again on your own until you have done some serious work on yourself and your priorities. Get some counselling perhaps?

The basic equation here seems to be whether the positive of your excitement and passion outweighs the positives of a stable marriage, secure relationships with your children and a good social working/social life. Ask yourself: if this came out in the open would you be prepared to give up all of that for this passion?

It strikes me you are confused and need to think hard about where you want your life to go and what your priorities should be. A third party might help you do that, and give you techniques to get there - whether it's initiating and surviving the breakdown of your marriage or developing some much needed passion in it.

Just please, please, don't let events take control - you can run this show and make sure you get the best outcome but you must know what you want.

And remember, this has potential to inflict pain on not just your husband and kids, but also a whole other family. Only you can make the judgement about whether you can accept responsibility for that. I know I couldn't.

[Gizmo]

Hmmm, that was a bit shouty, wasn't it?

I think what I meant was, there are millions of ways to make your life exciting and passionate. I'd hate you to think that this was the only way without someone helping you consider some of the alternatives....

[Tortington]

next time make sure you have more time - it might be better sex.

[undercoverregular]

Thanks Custy - straight to the point as usual!

[Munchkinola]

lol@custardo

[Earlybird]

First, I must make the disclaimer that I am not married, and never have been. So, while I've not experienced the postives you list (comfort, lifestyle, etc), I've also not experienced the negative drudgery aspect.

However, I must say (forgive the cliche), that I think you are playing with fire. If this continues, you will be found out, and then you will be much more than bored - in all likelihood, you and everyone affected will be truly miserable. You have choices to make at the moment, but I fear if you continue on this path, you will have no choices - only consequences.

In another cliche - I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too. It's time for bravery and decisions, IMO. Good luck.

[CHOCOLATEPEANUT]

mmmmmm

well here goes

The grass always looks greener.Passion? When married and kids come along it is comfy slipper times for most of us.I am on hubby no 2 and believe me know what side my bread is buttered on.Spent years after no 1 single and sh*gging for england .Yes Jimmy Choo land every weekend.Gorgeous men,loads attention,fantastic sex.But thats all it is.Sex.And when its over your left with what? The chase,the flirting its so exciting but when we grow up we realise that its all v shortlived.

Count yourself v v blessed if you have a man who

cherishes
loves
respects you

and

makes you laugh

mindblowing sex?(and it sounds like you were shortchanged!) sorry,over rated.Theres always chocolate or if really desperate,Ann Summers!!!!

We all make mistakes.You will get over it and hopefully learn something
xx

[undercoverregular]

Adviceanon - yes you're right I won't be satisfied with this. I think I thought I was capable of compartmentalising this but in reality my emotions are already wrapped up this guy. So yes steamy texts were great cos they weren't real - sleeping with him was and I don't feel good about that. Saw him briefly on his own this evening - he winked at me and gave me a flirty smile. But I realised that wasn't enough - I wanted him to really care and want ME and make me feel special, not just an easy lay which is all he is probably really interested in. Managed to have a normal conversation with him though without any awkwardness so think seeing him tinight with others will be OK.

Gizmo you're right I need to be in control of this one - I think maybe that's why I was so upset last night - because suddenly things weren't happening that I wanted. I wanted one thing which I thought I could cope with, and it turns out I can't cope with it.

So, have decided that I will not sleep with him again. I'm not going to have some awkward conversation about it with him (not sure I could without blubbing anyway!), unless he brings it up first. He is giving me a lift on Thursday as a group of us are going out again, so there is potential there for round 2, but it won't happen. I'll make some excuse like I have to work late then call for him at just the time we are due to leave. If he grins or winks at me I'll just smile back and leave it at that - as a mostly happy memory of some outrageous flirting and texting. If he texts me I'll just send a non-commital text back, and I won't text him first.

He and his dw are good friends of ours and at the end of the day I don't want to do or say anything that will screw that up. Neither do I want my marriage to end as I have said. Will need to work oout how to work on that one though. And how to get dh interested in peephole bras and crotchless knickers.....will have to hide them for a while though...

[CHOCOLATEPEANUT]

"I'll make some excuse like I have to work late then call for him at just the time we are due to leave. If he grins or winks at me I'll just smile back and leave it at that - as a mostly happy memory of some outrageous flirting and texting. If he texts me I'll just send a non-commital text back, and I won't text him first"

Oh yes you will!!!!!

[Sexonlegs]

Hey ucr, I completely empathise with you here. From the marrying the wrong man, to the lack of self confidence in the first instance, to the passion of being with another man.

Several years ago before dd but whilst married I had a fling on 2 occasions with the same person with a guy at my old work. The chemistry was undeniable however, he didn't want to take it further as I was married ( didn't want to be the cause of a marriage break-up). Anyway, to cut a long story short, dh and I moved South, had dd etc etc. However, fling and I met up last year and this year, and this year, things got v heavy - we didn't have sex, but it was all v steamy. The worst part in some ways about it, was none of it felt seedy; it all felt so totally natural as if we were meant to be together. However, nothing will ever come of it - he lives in Scotland, and got married 2 weeks ago, and I like you, cannot and to be honest don't want to split up from dh - dh is a lovely man, but the passion has gone and has been for many years. We are trying to rectify things, and all I can do is just forget about fling as hard as it is. I still think about fling daily and wonder what could have been, but I am putting dd and dh first - they deserve better than this. Sorry this is rambling on a bit here - all I can suggest is that you really need to think about what you want out of life, and what is best for you, your dh and children. I wish you all the luck in the World.x

[fuzzywuzzy]

UCR, does your dh find the sexy undies funny just by looking at them on the hanger??? If so perhaps errr show him how they look on, he may well change his mind.....iyswim

[Branster]

yeah, perhaps you overlooked the fact that (most) men having affairs do not get involved emotionally. although i have no doubt he respects you as a woman and friend, why should he complicate his life and make any sort of romantic commitment?
as long as you yourself make it very clear in your mind that sex and flirting is all you want/need then it should be easier.
you've got love & comfort from your family and DH, this other guy is just a bit of escapism, a bit of fun, a temporary amusement.
if anything, a bit of flirting would entertain both of you as long as you don't get rumbled. keep it safe to avoid all this emotional upheaval.

see how it goes, play it by ear and whatever happens don't go out of your way to make things happen. let life take its course. but be smart and aware of who's around you. people can sometimes percieve if your mind is on other things. just keep it as light enternainment.
after all the s**g in question was so uneventful in a sense that really why would you want to try again??!! whereas if you just flirt and chat , fantasy can be better for you.

[reallyangry]

I'm sorry, but I cannot believe what a lack of remorse you have for what you have done. Being on the receiving end of a cheater, it makes my blood boil that people can do these things, let alone contemplate them. You say his 'dw' is your friend!!! Not once do you say you are feel bad about what you have done to your friend, let alone your husband. Just becuase you are bored in yur marriage does not mean you should stick your nose into someone elses. Sorry for the rant, but very very angry.

[aloha]

Haven't read all posts but....passion - the mad, can't get enough of your body passion of the early days of a relationship can't last. It's not biologically normal for it to last. So you have to find something else - love, trust, commitment, friendship, attraction, calm, happiness, kids, shared interests...all that sort of stuff.
Expecting red hot passion is a recipe for disappointment and exactly the kind of disaster you have experienced. You couldn't have that kind of excitement with your husband simply because he is your husband.
Young children are not conducive to sexual thrills IMO. They are too tiring and absorbing - physically and emotionally. This is a time for support, teamwork, friendship etc, with sex less important (though I'm sure some people will say I'm wrong).
You fell in love with a fantasy, an idea of another life - escape from all that is humdrum and responsible and difficult. But no matter how wonderful the sex was, the truth is, it would either end there or become another relationship, with all the problems, niggles etc that relationships entail.
Maybe you ought to look at what you thought this flirtation/fling would bring you and think about whether it is remotely reasonably/feasible and if not, what you could do to improve your life/marriage now.
Also, can you imagine your marriage, if you stick with it, in ten years time? Your children will, presumably, be less dependent and you will have more energy for each other. Most marriages improve when children grow older.

[stitch]

well done reallyangry for saying that.
i think that on mn, we are all so used to being nonjudgemental that sometimes, even when we should give someone a telling off, as my kids would say, we dont.

[Tasa]

"at the end of the day he and his dw are good friends of ours and I don't want anything to screw that up "- - what like sleeping with her husband? Betraying your husband and children daily for the last however long? You're confused? You don't know what you want? How about your "friend" ? where does she come into all this ? And you're not for one moment going to stop seeing him because you've not finished your game. You'll sit there in the company of other people and you both know what you've done- your husband and his wife are the butt of the joke, it doesn't matter how you dress it up. Not one word of remorse or guilt -just poor me the sex was crap and I've been thinking about it for so long and it was a big disappointment - oh grow up and think abiout the repercussions for two whole families for your selfish, self obsessed behaviour. And please stop kidding yourself on another account - you are not his wife's friend at all; a friend doesn't sleep with your husband

[stitch]

this is probly going to be considered a thread hijack etc.
but HOW can you say you mmmarried the wrong man.
he is your friend
he is a good father
i dont know if he is a good provider or not from your posts,
but wtf more do you want? you have a good life. dont throw it away. as you said, you have done something stupid.. move on. dont moan about marrying the wrong man. does he beat you? is he emotionally abusive? is he a drug addict? is he a cheater? a bad father.
fgs, you have, by your own admission, a good man there. dont jack all that in for some idiocy..

i should probly go hide now, as will get lots of flak im sure

[Passionflower]

Finding hard to believe that you never had any exciting sex life in your marriage!

We all go through the pipe and slippers stage occasionally, small children tend to have that effect...

My tip would be to buy some saucy literature to get you in the mood and show your DH your sensual side. you might be plesantly surprised by his reaction.

As for the 'other man' sack him! Two reasons:

1. You shouldn't pee on your own doorstep, when it all goes wrong the fallout will be dreadfull.
   
   
2. He is obviously crap in bed and totally insensitive if he didn't notice how unsatisfactory you found the sex.
   
   Hope it all works out

[beansprout]

No sex is worth the potential outcome to this. Which of course, makes it more risky and in that odd way, more exciting. You know it is wrong but hey, you can't help yourself. I've been there and I only feel shame and guilt for what I did. If your marriage isn't ok then take a look at it but this really, really won't make you happy and in the longer term, aroused isn't a substitute for happy.

I think the reason you felt so crap after the 5 minute event was because a part of realised that this was all you were going to get. The illusion is not real and leaves you feeling crap. And guilty, and furtive and that's not a good way to feel. You owe it to yourself to find a better solution than this, no matter how tempting it is. Best wishes to you and please try and distract yourself with something else in the meantime. This man is not going to fill the gap in your marriage.

A wise friend of mine always says that if you want self esteem, do esteemable things.

[reallyangry]

Thank God there are some people seeing sense. I am not joking when I say it makes my blood boil when I read this kind of thing. You should trawl through the relationships archive and see how many women have been betrayed by not only their husband but also their 'friend'. You sound unbelievably selfish and you do not deserve your husband if he is all the positive things that you say he is. You say your children are friends. Have you thought about the repercussions on them if any of this got out?? Selfish selfish selfish

[catsmother]

Sorry, but as a victim of someone who repeatedly cheated on me, and dismissed it with a shrug, I am going to find it really hard not to be judgemental. Luckily I don't have the time to sound off.

What I will say is that surely you must recognise this as a big warning light for your marriage ......... you might do well to seek counselling even if it's on your own to work out why you've done this, and maybe to understand how dreadfully you've betrayed your husband.

Why or why not you're feeling disppointed shouldn't be the issue here - though the fact that it is speaks volumes about your respect for DH. You really do need to sort this out one way or another for your own sake as well as his.

[undercoverregular]

Well this evening was fine, quite good fun actually and was quite easy to be 'normal'.
Branster - great post. It IS the emotional bit I want/need, and I won't get that from this guy. Of course that's not what he's after he and dw believe it or not are still very much in love. Yes I'll play it by ear and maybe the flirting will continue, but sex - no. tbh there won't really be any more opportunities after this week so I just have to avoid it Thursday. But it isn;t just sex that I want so can't take it further again as I'll just keep on feeling this way.
ChocolatePeanut - bet I don't!
Sexonlegs - so sorry you were in similar position. Really hope you can work things out. I think you're very brave to make the decision to stick with your marriage and try and make it work. If you feel anything like I do it must hurt terribly.
Fuzzy - his taste is very conventional I'm afraid, though I have to admit that what I bought turns me on

reallyangry (and others) - tbh I'm more caught up my own very confused emotions and dealing with how I feel. I know it's a dreadful thing to have done but can't bring myself to deal with guilt until I've dealt with how I feel about him and why. Sorry. Once I've got over this I will doubtless feel racked with guilt and remorse but have pushed that to the back of my mind atm.

[undercoverregular]

stitch and beansprout - thank you well said. dh is a star and I need to learn to appreciate him.
Passionflower - actually no the sex with dh has never been brilliant. Being brutally honest it's never been great with anyone - I only learnt how to climax a couple of years ago (repressed childhood etc!).

Thank you most of you for not judging and giving honest helpful comments. I really appreciate them right now.
The others - I'm sorry, I know you're right. I'm sorry for all of you that have been on the receiving end, and no, this is no way to treat a friend. AS I've said the guilt and remorse will come but I need to make some hard decisions first.

[Bellajade]

Sorry but I dont feel sorry for you at all because my husband cheated on me recently and I will never be the same again.He broke my heart just as you prob broke your hubbys.Honestly what did you expect to happen?Sleeping with someone else is not going to fix whatever problems you have in your marriage its just going to create more.You have to tell him if you havent already,wouldnt you want to know if he cheated?Plus you wouldnt want him to find out through the other guy.

[Passionflower]

Undercover, so sorry to hear its never been great for you but this seen to raise this issue that maybe you need to get help in this area.

IMO you're much more likely to develop a fulfilling sex life in the context of a secure and loving relationship, seems to me the problem maybe you not your DH. If this is the case having an affair isn't going to miraculously going to produce great sex.

While I have every sympathy with Bellajade, I don't think you should tell your DH! These sort of confessions are ususlly made for selfish reasons. It will make him feel awfull and won't sort your problem out.

I think you should try to let your DH know that you feel all is not as it could be in the bedroom without blame and if he is as great as you say he is I'm sure that he will want to be part of the cure.

Beansprout, I wasn't trying to say that an affair could be worth the fallout! Just trying to make the distinction between an affair and falling truly in love with someone else, because this seemed to be part of what undercover was confused about.