Done something stupid

[undercoverregular]

Be warned this may be a long one.....

Basically I slept with someone yesterday - and I don't mean dh....

He and his wife are good friends of dh and myself, we see each other regularly, kids best friends etc. Over the last month or so he and I have been doing quite a bit of mutual flirting which has led onto regular texting, texts getting quite steamy. We've met for a quick snog/grope when we can. He makes me feel amazing - passionate, desired, sexy etc, which dh doesn't though I've tried to feel like that - all the things that people feel when embarking on an affair (except not sure I can really call it that...). I even bought very sexy underwear for him.

Anyway yesterday he got home early and came round (at my suggestion) - we only had 15 minutes and as it was one of the only occassions we had to be alone at home we ended up in bed. It lasted all of 5 minutes and the second it was over he legged it home to have a bath before his dw got home. I knew we didn't have much time but even so suddenly found myself weeping buckets, and not sure why.

Still can't work it out completely - I didn't feel particularly 'used', but the sex wasn't good for me, to be honest after all the texts we'd sent saying what we'd do if we could in the end it came down to a quick sh*g.

Yesterday afternoon I was delerious with delight knowing something was going to happen, and also wondering how long it would go on for. And now I know it's over. The spark that was there has gone. There have been none of the naughty texts that made me grin from ear to ear - just a few saying are you ok. (I texted back saying I wasn't sure and haven't had a response...).

I just feel so let down. It was supposed to be so passionate and all-encompassing and has just fizzled like a damp squib.

I know I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like I've been dumped and I haven't but my emotions are all over the place.

At least now it's over and I've learnt my lesson. I know dh and I need to work on our marriage which is basically OK but he doesn't do a great deal for me to be honest. And how do I explain all the new underwear - which he isn't the remotest bit interested in.

Oh I'm just going round in circles here. Please tell me it'll get better. Also really unsure how I'm going to face the other guy - we're due to see him with some other friends tonight. Serves me right I guess...

[beansprout]

P/flower - no worries, I wasn't aiming any of my comments at you. I totally agree with what you are saying. Lust masquerades as falling in love so often though, and it does terrible damage.

I've been up with ds for a lot of the night, so I wouldn't take much notice of what I say anyway!! yawn!!

[Ruth12]

ucg, I am terrible at advice but can honestly say i know EXACTLY what you are going through as just did similar with a work friend. We are both married, he has wife & kids but I don?t have any kids yet. As for the query about more time = better sex, not true. I had all night and it wasn?t the best. Guilt maybe???

Have had a few 'text' relationships in the past and have been considering leaving DH so many times in the past and just haven?t had the bottle to do so.
Reflecting on our situations, I think that doing something stupid with someone else is just a symptom. I know now that I will probably feel exactly like this in ten years to come. The person I did something stupid with is not really that important.

I need to be brave and face up to fears of being on my own and upsetting all my family who love my DH as much as they love me. We have been together for 15 years so am concerned about how much I will hurt my DH but what I did will only hurt him more. Best of luck with what you decide.

[undercoverregular]

Passionflower - you're right dh and I need to work things out bedroom-wise - we've just never communicated anything like that so it's very difficult to do. Suspect several large glasses of wine will be needed before I have the courage to broach the subject.

Ruth 12 - good luck in what you do. I can't believe so many of you have been/are in the same position actually. When you're in that situation you tend to think you're the only one and everyone else has great marriages so it's comforting (though sad really) to know that others feel the same. Maybe we should start a new thread - How to put the spark back into our marriages - a self help group!?

I know lots of you have said to stop the texts immediately. Well I haven't texted first, and won't now. But the texts he has sent now seem to be pretty lighthearted friendly stuff - like how's work today? Nothing raunchy or suggestive, just one v. small hint which I ignored. So feeling more in control. I don't want to stop texting now as that woudl cause him to ask questions which frankly I don't want to answer cos I'd get all emotional and it would be awkward. So I think we've both worked out that it's on its way out and we're back to being friends, which I have to be honest feels a LOT better than this emotional turmoil.

am beginning to feel guilty now for our respective spouses - and they are both such nice, good, kind people. Why would either of us want to do anything so underhand? I think I know why I did, but certainly not why he did? Guess some men can't turn down the opportunity.

[backafronted]

Does anyone think there are times when an affair can help a relationship.

I have flirted for years with someone I see a few times a year. Eventually we took our chance and like Undercover it was rubbish, but when I saw him again we were flirting again and had a snog then he told me he didn't want complications in his life. Nice to know thats all I am, I wasn't looking for love but maybe a bit of something. I felt totaly deflated and crap.

But then someone I have been friends with and have flirted fairly innocently made it obvious we could take it further. I have big self confidence issues and don't even strip fully in front of DH unless the lights are off, so I didn't think I would go further than a snog. It did, I felt wonderful and sexy for first time in years, after a couple of hours I left with a huge smile on my face and a spring in my step. I wont see him for months.
The thing is though I have now had sex with DH which was somthing that hasn't happening at all and I feel wonderful. They think I'm nuts at work I have been singing and smiling all round the office.

Should I feel guilty? Probably. But I don't I just feel better, less depressed and much more positive.

[kath4kids]

It's not what the texts say it's the betrayl. I found out about my dh affair coz i found his phone had a new message and found three from her the rest had been deleted. I don't think there's an easy answer to this though tbh. If you tell which i think is the only right thing to do the ripple effect is huge - children, grandparents, friends.

My dh did it with a close friend and if you want to know the devestating feelings of finding out your h has done this then look at archieved threads especially mine dh having affair.

My dh said sex wasn't brill but that not the point is it - its not the act its the deciept of the texts, sneaking round around other peoples backs, having another life that doesn't involve the people it should like your children.

You haven't said how old they are but if they anything like mine 11 & 13 they could see what was going on before me. If you flirt then people will notice. You might think your being careful but believe me you will be found out eventually, so you prob will have to deal with it at some point so maybe better now than later.

Remember if you do tell him then your thinking is further down the line than his. You have had time to think to try and sort out your emotions he won't have so you will have to give him time to come to terms with it.

Sorry i really don't want to be judgemental but cannot condone what you have done it hurts too many people.

sorry its long

[undercoverregular]

Kath4kids - yes I have had time to think, and it;s doen me a lot of good. And funnilly enough he has been doing some thinking too and we've both reached the same conclusions.
Finbelle yes you're right it is the worst thing to do to some one, especially some one you love and I do love dh, despite not feelong anything passionate about him - he is my best friend.
Backafronted - yes I feel exactly the same way you do - better, less depressed (although I wasn;t depressed to start with - only when I foudn out there was something better) and so positive. Not sure if an affair's the answer though....

However - an update. Basically as I've said if anythiing was going to happen again it would have been tinight for various reasons. Well I saw him tonight and we ended up having a bit of a heart to heart, and he regrets the other night as much as I do. We amazingly enough managed a grown up conversation where we said exactly what we felt without any tears. We both felt that we had gone too far and that we love out respective partners not to ever do it again, but that we both loved each other AS FRIENDS and respected each other and don;t want our freindship (not our firendsip with eachother's spouses) to get ruined byt his. Baasically we realised we'd both made a mistake and we would never repeat it again cos we value our freindship and marriages too much.

I have to say I am so relieved he feels the same as me. I'd have felt crap if he's hadn;t said that he'd had major doubts but he has had them,as have I, and we both think too much of eachother as freinds to bugger that all up.

We agreed that we'd keep on texting, but only matey jokey type texts, and that we'd keep what happened as a nice, but never to be repeated memory - learnt from our mistake.

So feeling happy all round. He thinks enough of me to tell me all that, and of his wife not to repeat what happened, and I know I have some issues to work on with dh but willmake a concerted effrot to do so.

Thanks for listening all of you, and for not judging.

UCR

[undercoverregular]

Excuse bad spelling - hwill admit have had a few glasses of wine tonight!

Thanks all!

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[Passionflower]

I agree with everything you say trefusis. I'd never do the affair thing but if I had I'd drop them from my social circle as damage limitation.

Hypothetical I know but what if other man and his wife have huge row one day and it gets out that he sh*gged you. Your DH could get to find out! Possibly at a time when things are hunkydory between you and then that would be ruined...

[morningpaper]

I think you have two options:

1. Honesty
   
2. Dishonesty
   
   Put your own 'deserves' to one side for a minute. Which does your husband deserve? Which do your kids deserve?
   
   Not trying to be judgemental - like a lot of people I've done the same thing. I tried pretending that nothing happened but I knew that (a) I couldn't spend my whole life with a man I wasn't in love with and (b) the basis of my marriage (trust and honesty) was a LIE from that point on.
   
   I knew it would come out one day - it was everywhere I looked and it was in everything I said and did, and as long as the man in question was alive and around then I was just a sentence away from being outed as a liar. Even if I wanted to put it behind me, who's to say that he wouldn't, or that his wife wouldn't find out somehow? Women are 100 times cleverer at rooting out the signs of infidelity than men are, and men are 100 times worse at hiding them.
   
   I think you need to be honest with your partner before you can 'move on' in any real sense. At this stage, the decision is his to make, and not yours. Good luck. x

[aloha]

Hmmm...I don't believe you can regularly see someone who you fancy like this, text them and still have a marriage worth having. What about his wife? What do you think she' d think of your 'friendship'? I know what I'd think.

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[Fio2]

sex isnt everything. Your poor husband and friend. I think you have serious self esteem issues now and need to get some counselling

[marthamoo]

I don't either, aloha. To continue to have this man as a 'friend', after what has happened, is playing with fire. I think you'll regret it - though how you extricate yourself from this friendship without explaining why to your respective spouses I don't know. I honestly think if you hope to stand a chance of saving your marriage you need to cut all ties with this other man. How can you exchange friendly, jokey texts and have a social life with someone you had illicit sex with? I think the fact that you don't want to lose contact with him shows you have stronger feelings towards him still.

On Tuesday you posted

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[munz]

fwiw - I don't think u should text this man as it's temping fate, i've made a pack with my DH if he's remotly intrested in another woman like that and me a man then we discuss it openly first b4 actually doing something.

cut all ties, it's the only way you can be sure it won't happen again.

[munz]

fwiw - I don't think u should text this man as it's temping fate, i've made a pack with my DH if he's remotly intrested in another woman like that and me a man then we discuss it openly first b4 actually doing something.

cut all ties, it's the only way you can be sure it won't happen again.

[munz]

basically agree with Marthomoo.

[fairyfly]

Glad the sex was crap. i hope everytime my x slept with her in my bed she felt let down too. Revolting.

[Ruth12]

morning paper - totally agree. Have come to same conclusion. What did you do in the end?

[Kazziegirl]

You say your dh is your best friend - who needs friends like you if you can betray your best friend like that! I hope you manage to find some happiness in your situation but I think if you carry on with texts and secret little chats it'll end in tears and not just your own.

[Fio2]

texts are rubbish anyway, yes they can be sexy but they are only words, go and read a book