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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Middle-aged son wanting to live with parents

134 replies

DogBedPillow · 01/09/2026 14:23

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

OP posts:
Original poster
DogBedPillow · 01/09/2026 14:24

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 15:11

This is your sibling presumably

You need to leave your parents to it I am afraid

Seelybee · 01/09/2026 15:27

@DogBedPillow are social care involved for parents and son?
If not they both need separate assessments in the first instance.to identify what support options might be possible.
He can't move in with his parents and his threats in that regard are his responsibility, he has capacity.

Iwishihadariver · 01/09/2026 15:28

It does not sound as if the parents can take or should take on this responsibility for their adult son full-time. They should be supported in making the right decision for them, to continue as they are. This will be hard for them but seems the most sensible option.

It sounds like the adult son needs professional help. He should be supported in helping himself get the help he needs. If he's not prepared to do that then there's little anyone can do.

throwaway3749574 · 01/09/2026 15:30

There’s nothing anyone can do other than the parents saying no.
how terribly terribly sad that all through their lives they have had to deal with this and still now, when they should be if anything being supported themselves as they come into twilight years.

Bluenotgreen · 01/09/2026 15:32

No, there is nothing you can do if he won’t seek help.

All you can do is call emergency services if he says he is going to end his life.

It seems to me that you are more worried he will manipulate and bully his parents into taking him in, thus ruining their remaining years. Could you speak to their GP? I am not sure if they could help or not really.

throwaway3749574 · 01/09/2026 15:32

With more and more people needing support of some sort and finding life difficult but falling through the gaps of mental health and disability services I wonder whether this sort of thing will happen more and more: although it has always been the case that where someone refuses support and input families are often the ones impacted and left to fill the gaps. It’s an impossible situation really 😞

throwaway3749574 · 01/09/2026 15:34

If he does move in with them and is abusive you’d need to report it as a safeguarding concern but again, if the parents have capacity and don’t want to ask him to leave not much would be done.

Momon45 · 01/09/2026 15:36

Iwishihadariver · 01/09/2026 15:28

It does not sound as if the parents can take or should take on this responsibility for their adult son full-time. They should be supported in making the right decision for them, to continue as they are. This will be hard for them but seems the most sensible option.

It sounds like the adult son needs professional help. He should be supported in helping himself get the help he needs. If he's not prepared to do that then there's little anyone can do.

There really is no 'help' to access, the system is completely broken .

The parents will be left to it regardless of their ages .

KippyMcKippy · 01/09/2026 15:40

Are you close enough to have POA sorted and to be involved in finances? I have POA for my Mum and have a POA bank card for her along with access to her online banking?
Also, if you are unable to stop this from happening might you be able to have CCTV put up in the house. I have it for my Mum. She knows I’m the only one with access - she has access to it too. It’s useful and if you were able to actually see what was going on if he were to move in then that might help with with making decisions in the future.
If he were to move in is there a way to home to have his own space so that they don’t cross paths too much.
I assume he gets some funding? Can this be used to make all of their lives easier.
Obviously he shouldn’t be allowed to move in but your parents are going to be the ones who have to refuse him.
Has he made the threats of suicide to anyone else or just your parents?
It’s a horrible situation. Im
sorry you and your parents have to deal with it.

Yetone · 01/09/2026 15:43

Really, the parents should absolutely refuse to let him come and stay with them. What will happen a few years down the line? The parents would not be helping by letting him move in with them.

EverydayProfessional · 01/09/2026 15:46

DogBedPillow · 01/09/2026 14:23

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

Getting assessed and diagnosed accordingly is required to provide a better management plan.

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 15:48

We all know what should be done
but quite clearly that isn’t going to be done

so I am afraid Op… you’ll just have to be there and watch it unfold. You can support and offer advice but by the sounds of it - your parents will ignore anyway

OneLilacHedgehog · 01/09/2026 15:50

There really is nothing to do unfortunately. The parents have to say no. If they don't he will move in and the parents will struggle to cope. But no one will do anything unless he is abusive. Even then the parents have to agree that he needs to leave, although he can be prosecuted.

HorseandHeron · 01/09/2026 15:51

Can you intervene and speak with him directly, saying if he is suicidal, then he needs professional care of a level they cannot provide.

As PP have said, the care system is broken, but I would at least contact SS on their behalf to express your concerns about his pressure on them and their fraity. That way, if things escalate, they are at least in the system.

NewAgain26 · 01/09/2026 15:51

I think your only course of action really is to speak with the parents. Assuming they are willing to listen? Speak to them about how hard this might be for them?

The trouble is if they only see their son as a vulnerable, or Incapable dependant - they are unlikely to refuse him - especially given the threats of suicide.

You are no doubt seeing the suicide threat as abusive - and from your description that does sound likely. You could try try asking the local police to make a welfare check - then at least you are calling his bluff?

Justbrieme · 01/09/2026 15:51

The problem isn’t what should be done here, the problem is what will be done. People operate from emotion and loyalty extremely rarely logic.

We have a big family and very many things that should not be done are being done or have been done and vice versa.

You can only offer the parents your advice and then support them as best as you can with what they decide to do whereby you take some logical decisions around their choices.

OneLilacHedgehog · 01/09/2026 15:52

Only other thing I can suggest is would the parents listen to someone like their GP advising against him moving in? If they would you could pursue this.

OneLilacHedgehog · 01/09/2026 15:53

Age UK have a helpline. You could phone them and see if they have any other advice.

Be aware the parents may leave him the house and money in their will.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 01/09/2026 16:26

Appeal to the parents individually emphasising how hard it will be on the other one to add the burden of a live in carer when they are already frail.
Maybe mention that the 50 year old has been suicidal many times and is free to see that through regardless of whether he moves in with them or not, and to disregard it. If he does move in he may well use the same threat whenever he doesn’t get his own way.
My son is turning 50 next year and for the same reasons doesn’t have my address.

TFImBackIn · 01/09/2026 16:29

Getting him out again will be impossible, OP, so he simply can't move in. Your parents are old and may need to sell up to go into care homes - what would he do then? He does sound controlling - I really feel for your parents. I would speak to Adult Social Care if you are close (i.e. a sister) so that your concerns are registered.

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:34

TFImBackIn · 01/09/2026 16:29

Getting him out again will be impossible, OP, so he simply can't move in. Your parents are old and may need to sell up to go into care homes - what would he do then? He does sound controlling - I really feel for your parents. I would speak to Adult Social Care if you are close (i.e. a sister) so that your concerns are registered.

He “simply” can though.

Doesnt mean it is not grossly unwise

but he simply can move in

Soverymuchfruit · 01/09/2026 16:36

Drastic solution, and timescales may not work, and they may reasonably not want to, but if they downsize somewhere that doesn't have space for him, or move to sheltered accommodation for elder people that wouldn't allow him to move in, then that could prevent him moving in.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/09/2026 16:39

If you are the daughter/sister I'd tell him no he can't move in ... as they need care more than him.

Leo800 · 01/09/2026 16:41

Parents need to say no. Threatening to kill himself is incredibly manipulative. They need to prioritise themselves. He’s 50 for goodness sake.