Middle-aged son wanting to live with parents

[DogBedPillow]

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

Sorry to be blunt but surely moving in with two 80 year old is not a long term solution.

Get a solicitor involved and draw up some sort of behalf action that he cannot move on with them. A restraining order if nevessary.

At 80 they deserve peace and quiet, not this.

"he also wants them to move to a bigger house to accommodate him."

Well then that makes things easy. No.

Ask the older people to give their non troublesome child financial.ppqwr of attorney and do not allow a move.

Similar situation in my family, but it's my sister, who is in her 40s and never left home, never worked, does nothing around the house... Mum is 80 with dementia, dad a bit older, mum and sister have always had a weird codependent relationship. It's a complete mess but my other sister and I have tried talking to my parents about it over decades, predicting the nightmare to come when mum and dad are no longer alive and sister has to fend for herself, and they've chosen to do nothingto change the situation. Will we even be able to get her out of the house when we need to sell? Such a stressful horrible situation.

did you read the OP?

They can see when calmer that he's abusive and that they are being coerced.

they have confided in you?

How local are you to them?

Yes, they've confided quite a lot (I can't go into details, but some of it is awful). They're often quite scared of him. But it's that classic thing of if I ever express anything other than support for him, they clam up and won't say anything. I think there must be plenty they don't say, because they won't/can't be open about the extent of the control/abuse and because if they tell me how awful he's been, I won't look after him when they are dead.

I live a couple of hours away

He wants them to move to a bigger house?!

@DogBedPillow I wonder whether he's thinking that he'll get them to put him on the deeds? My guess is that's his plan, to give himself a permanent home and exclude you from inheriting.

If they do decide to move, which you obviously can't prevent, do offer to help them out with the legal side so that you're at least aware of what's going on.
Please also speak to them about getting Power of Attorney set up so you can protect them if they're ever unable to manage their financial affairs. I wouldn't trust him an inch.

He currently rents a flat, and lives on disability benefits (with my parents providing meals, laundry, deliveries, etc)

Does he work @DogBedPillow ?

No, not for many years now.

How does he live financially?

Are you close to your parents? Emotionally and geographically? Presumably you are if they have told you they know he abuses them?

I'll say it again, being ill or having a disibility doesn't stop people from being cunts.

It certainly sounds like he has numerous MH issues and a disibility. It doesn't change the fact that he's being a controlling, abusive man.

He's bullying your parents and you, and holding his possible death over you all.

As hard as it maybe you need to start redirecting some of your thinking and start taking the emotional 'he'll kill himself' out of it. Because he may well end up being the reason your parents die sooner too with his bullying and wanted to be cared for.

You have to step up and involve adult SS. Get the POA in place quick smart.

But you said yourself he is highly intelligent, and he is weaponsing himself to get what he wants.

Only way out is to stop giving in.

@Dogfishy

did you read the OP?

Yes. What have I missed?

What makes you think the OP’s parent currently living independently and with full capacity are going to hand over to the Op full control over their finances? And allow her to just “say no”?

DogBedPillow

You said in your opening post he is threatening to kill himself. But you also said he cannot be sectioned. If the threats are real, wouldn't this ve a way to protect him?

Would they be open to moving into elderly peoples accommodation where he legally cannot live with them?

As they get older they are likely to need more help themselves. It makes sense for them to prepare for that.

What makes you think the OP’s parents living independently?

it was not clear they are her parents. But the 50 tear old wants his parents to move into a bigger house so he csn love with them. Us that noy living independently?

The Parents may have full capacity now but at some point they may need a rekative to have fonaxial.power of attourney. My father in law and my mum set that up.im their 80s.

It sounds like saying No, to the 50 year old 's demands to buy a bigger house and look after him, would be sensible for a couple in their 80s.

What makes me think the OP’s parents living parents are living independently? Well I am going to guess the Op might have mentioned this rather relevant fact if they didn’t live independently!

Of course it would be sensible to say no!

But it is clearly not remotely that simple

@Dogfishy They should still get POA sorted out though, it doesn't have to be activated right away.

My Dad set it up a few years ago and you can check a box to say that it won't be activated until the person is unable to manage their own affairs or gives permission to have it activated, I can't remember the exact wording. At least it would give her parents the means to protect themselves if their son really starts putting pressure on them and/or they become too unwell.

I agree a good idea

but I don’t sense they’d even be willing to do that at this stage

@DogBedPillow ?

You can definitely involve Social Services. If you ring Adult Social Care in their area, you can flag it up as a safeguarding concern as you believe they are being coerced. Social Services won’t inform anyone that you made the referral so you can deny any knowledge.

Is there an inheritance issue at play too? What happens to the house when your parents eventually pass away. Is he hoping to live there forever?

I think you need external help here - SS should be able to help.

I'm at the age when most of my friends have parents in their late 70's/80's and I'm seeing how quickly someone's health can change at this point. My FIL (85) is showing signs of cognitive decline and unfortunately, it seems to be progressing quickly. Luckily, he does have POA set up. A year ago he was fine, but things change fast at that age. 😓

This would be my question - you could ask for an adult social care assessment and frame it with him as a means of getting additional support and exploring different ways to live independently, whether that be under their roof of not (ie, he buys in as he doesn’t realise it may not end up with him moving in).

It’s important that they understand that threats of suicide are abusive and manipulative actions and rarely if ever lead to a suicide attempt, but even were he to make an attempt, they are not responsible. (My own AuDHD has suicidally ideated multiple times - they claim to have overdosed etc, only for it be be made clear that this was 6-8 paracetamol only etc).

An adult social care assessment (obtained by going to the GP in my case and then seeing the MH care coordinator) will listen to your parents and weight their needs. My GP understood that I was literally terrified of living alone with my child when I was in my 80s because we had not got her out of the house and into independent living - they must make clear that they cannot take care of him in the way he wants/expects. the team will recognise that - at their age and with the increasing likelihood of age-related heath issues - it is not in their OR HIS interest to facilitate at home living and will work with the family to ensure another path is established. If you are a sibling/close relative, you can ask your parents whether they would like you to be their advocate and/or a party to those discussions.

In essence, they do not have to concede to his demands and indeed it would be to his detriment long term for them to do so - so try and reassure them and call your GP practice. They are vulnerable and elderly, so the GP will have a duty of care to ensure that their needs are also prioritised.