Middle-aged son wanting to live with parents

[DogBedPillow]

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

Talk to your parents about LPoA. It will be really difficult to support them without it. Speak to adult social care and get help from them. Ring age UK for some support.

I would remind your parents that, if they eventually need a care home, the house stays in their hands if one of the parents remains at home.

However, if they both eventually need to go into a home, their house will have to be sold which means that brother will be homeless. Even if the home is rented, he'll probably be kicked out.

Is that what they want for him? To end up homeless which would be a very real possibility.

Isn't it better for them to properly help him by putting longer term support in place for him.

Maybe tell them that it will be doing him no favours and he clearly doesn't have the capacity to see that. So, as his parents, do what's best for him in the long run, rather than in the short term.

Also, maybe say that if they become poorly, it wouldn't be fair on brother as he won't cope with looking after them. And, because of his needs and difficulties, you wouldn't be able to come in and care for them either because brother would find that challenging. They've got to be cruel to be kind.

I personally would explain the situation to their GP by letter and ask for their support in explaining to them that they need to be looking after themselves to help him and having him move in will not be looking after him.

Older people tend to listen to authority.

Also, involve social care. Ask for an assessment of the parents needs. Explain the situation and ask them to carefully explain that this isn't a good idea.

That us all you can do. Remember that this is not your fault and that you're doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.

Yes, I also think you should get LPOA in place ASAP for your parents.

It will save you a whole load of hassle later on. Plus it means that you can act in their best interests.

Try not to let brother be put on there as it will hamper things.

You know you can only get lpoa if the parents agree.

I’m sorry you are in this pickle op. As you know though, if your parents have capacity there is little you can do. They need to say no, and keep saying it. Will they, that’s on them. I actually agree that downsizing now might be a good option so there is no space for him to move in (and presumably terrorise and control them even more). If he moves in, he will never move out. Try to get your parents to grant you - and only you - POA ASAP.

Selfish manchild.

@Marksthengym It depends. My Dad (88) had a care needs assessment a few years ago, he's mentally sharp but was developing some health conditions. Adult Social Care was excellent, they assigned someone to visit him once a week for over three months and if he'd been in a situation like @DogBedPillow's parents with an unstable, controlling son, she'd definitely have picked up on it as a safeguarding issue.

She helped my Dad make some good decisions, sometimes having a neutral third party involved makes it easier to discuss issues.

Yes but “picking up on it as a safeguarding issue” and then what? I did this work and dealing with these kinds of situations day in day out was one of the reasons I left the profession. Very difficult family dynamics. Adult children effectively abusing their elderly parents or relatives. Who have capacity and aren’t willing to take any action or stand up to them, or refuse support. All you can do is offer support, sometimes put care in so at least there are eyes on the situation, but honestly - what else can the authorities do? Safeguarding concern or not.

@throwaway3749574 I suppose I'm hoping that a neutral third party might help them realize that having their unstable son move in isn't going to work well. Of course they can still decide to let him, but in my Dad's case, his support worker helped him accept certain things that I'd also been advising him to do, IYSWIM.

I was on good terms with her and while she obviously couldn't share details, she told me that some of her elderly clients needed safeguarding from relatives - my Dad was an easier client as we all working together for his best interests.
I think it's worth contacting them just to see whether they can help at all.

@throwaway3749574 I agree. People somehow authorities can sort it out. But even elderly adults are allowed to make bad decisions

@throwaway3749574 I agree. People somehow authorities can sort it out. But even elderly adults are allowed to make bad decisions

It sounds harsh but if he chooses to kill himself you can't stop him, that is his absolute right and no one except him is responsible.

@Barkoof OK, she shouldn't contact them then. I was only sharing my experience and making a suggestion, because it worked out well for my Dad.

What a nightmare ! So sorry for you . Do you have any other siblings / close relatives who could input . Possible your brother could try the same tactic with you when your parents pass on so needs nipping in the bud now . Social services is a good call

@Betterbeingdead Yes, the OP needs to put her hard hat on and accept that her brother will do whatever he's going to do, he's an adult. That's how I cope with my Dad's threats. But I agree with @Barkoof that it's far more difficult for parents to do this with their children

Could your parents move into supported housing for over 60s so your brother isn't allowed to live with them? Obviously I appreciate moving home is not straightforward but might be worth considering?

They could be but very very clearly they don’t want to be.

SS will not get involved in the basis that
two adults with full capacity wanting their son to move in to them might be a disaster.

The OP’s parents want their adult son to move in with them. The only thing @DogBedPillow can do is stay involved to ensure that nothing untoward is going on. M

And that’s it at this stage

Apologies. I had misread and thought the parents were trying to find a way to say no but couldn't due to threats of self harm.

Sympathies with OP. I know how hard it to have to accept situations we can't change. It seems that you have done all you can to support your parents.

My brother has already moved in with my elderly mother. She has capacity and feels sorry for him. He is unstable, sectioned multiple times, but once he's out the follow up care is minimal. I've had to take a step back. Doesn't matter what I say, she prioritises him, which has been a lifelong theme, even over herself. I think codependent but I've had to accept there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry you are also in this situation.

Thank you again, everyone. Reading, digesting and thinking.

@Dogfishy and @Eurovision it's not clear-cut about what my parents want, really, so you're both right. They can see when calmer that he's abusive and that they are being coerced. But when he calls them in relentless distress, crying and saying that all he wants is to be cared for by his parents, and how could they be so cruel as to deny him the opportunity to live with them, they then start to make plans. The only reason they haven't let him just move in is that (this is something I missed out because I thought it would make the post too complicated - sorry) he also wants them to move to a bigger house to accommodate him.

I am so sorry for everyone else who's said their families are in a similar situation. Seems that this is perhaps not rare :(

sorry if I missed this in your post. Is he in supported accommodation? If not then could you ring social services to ask for help with this? He seems to need extra support but his elderly parents aren’t the right people to ask, seeing as they’re being cared for themselves.