Middle-aged son wanting to live with parents

[DogBedPillow]

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

Re "you're right about who I am in the situation (sister/daughter). So I also have an investment in my brother (who I love, but also sometimes hate due to how he relentlessly abuses our parents)."

OP I completely get that you love your brother but also hate him, at times, and I would imagine you are also scared of him while also scared for your parents.

I suggested a financial Lasting Power of Attourney to protect them but of course that requires them to agree.

I also suggested a restraining order again this is only if they agree.

You can also report his abuse and manipulation, anonymously to age UK.

When I said non-troublesome child, I meant you! I was just not sure you had said who you were to him.

I think a big part of this is yes, if he kills himself they may blame thenselves or you but he is needy and also greedy (i think he has designs on their house money), abusive, manipulative and he is not your responsibility. So, if he kills himself it really is not anyone else's fault. Feeling sorry fir him doesn't help him.

The fact he is so good at manipulation suggests to me he is much more able to cope than they or you imagine.

The kindest thing would be for them to gently, slowly break contact. I could suggest they get counselling for how to do this. But I don't thonl they will. So, i think maybe Op you need counselling for how to do it too.

Once your parents are no longer here, you may be his target. Prepare for that and prepare to keep him at arms length.

I agree with AnonyMumAuDHD

"In essence, they do not have to concede to his demands and indeed it would be to his detriment long term for them to do so - so try and reassure them and call your GP practice. They are vulnerable and elderly, so the GP will have a duty of care to ensure that their needs are also prioritised."

indeed it would be to his detriment long term for them to do so your parents need to hear this from the GP, a counsellor or worker at https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Get a cleaner who does washing etc - my DB had Parkinson’s - the cleaners and carers were kind and he saw them as friends not intruders. Get DPs to arrange direct debit to pay people - it’s surprising who is out there but if you don’t look you won’t find them

I really would try and persuade your parents against this. I live in a ND family and see how this could happen, your brother could try and take full control of their lives and possibly making their remaining years utterly terrible when they need support more than ever, they almost need protecting from themselves right now. Your brother will use every trick in the book to get his way… I feel for you it's a horrible situation.

Not sure if you are still reading OP but one thing that might help if you can get them to agree might be for your parents or at least your Mum to see a counsellor - it’s might help them understand their feelings about their son and how they interact with him.

Am absolutely still reading, and taking in every suggestion and perspective. Thank you all so much for this - it's extremely helpful.

Sorry not to name-check everyone, but thank you very much to everyone who's posted.

Glad you’re still here OP.

This may be very cynical but do you think your B is interested in the inheritance?

I’ve come across a few cases where inheritance has been split between siblings after the DPs have died and the one living at home refuses to leave so that the house can be sold.

Thanks @ExplodingSmittens . That hadn't occurred to me prior to this thread. I don't think it would be his primary motivation, but it could potentially be involved....

If he’s controlling does that include money? Sone people with ASD can be very fixated on money.

What a difficult situation for you all to be in.