Middle-aged son wanting to live with parents

[DogBedPillow]

I don't want to disclose my specific relationship to this, but it's close and involved. Completely clueless as to best course of action.

Autistic adult son (50. very high IQ, but struggles in lots of ways) has very problematic relationship with parents (aged 80), in which he controls and monitors them heavily. Parents have always struggled with boundaries with him. Son has lots of mental health and physical health problems, is genuinely in a bad way, and is now saying he can't care for himself any more and needs to live with parents. Parents are offering a LOT of help (financial, practical, etc - right down to organising carers, etc, if needed), but he is saying the only thing that will do is moving in with them. They are 80 with their own health problems, and really cannot cope with being live-in carers (they are already carers for him in that they drop him food, do his laundry, organise his house; he lives locally). The man says that if he can't move in with them, he will kill himself.

(NB please don't suggest getting him sectioned. This absolutely cannot and will not happen. He know exactly what to say to whom. Also please don't suggest mental health support. He has accessed everything on offer and I don't think there are ant substantial unexplored avenues).

Any advice? Please remember that how the parents view him is as their vulnerable, deeply depressed child.

Coukd he not go into assisted living accommodation? Is there a mh social worker able to help

If someone wants to kill themselves they will do regardless.
This is often used to manipulate and get own way. My ex said this when I started divorce. I told him to go ahead. Three weeks after I kicked him out he was moving in with someone else.

I'm getting very hard in my old age, but I would tell this man's parents to just say no. It's obvious they can't care for him any more than they already do and it's also obvious that, irrespective of his genuine difficulties, this man has also decided he just can't be arsed and wants someone he can control to do his bidding. If they take him on, it will be the death of them. (And at that point, lo and behold, it will become apparent that their son can care for himself/accept outside help after all.)

How close are your parents to needing to downsize or go into assisted living? If they are open to moving, suggest that they go into a one-bedroom flat with a warden or similar, specifically for elderly residents.

Then tell 50-year old he is simply not allowed to live with them as it is against the rules and there is only one bedroom.

I would counsel the parents that they need to set him up for the rest of his life, not give him a temporary refuge that will be incredibly traumatizing for him to move on from when they are gone. That at the moment they can help fine tune an external support network, but they won’t be able to soon and that if they love him they’ll give him what he needs not what he wants.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much more you can do than that, OP. They’re adults, presumably of sound mind. They’ve let their son dominate them for 50 years and built their identity around this unhealthy dynamic. It seems unlikely they’ll find the strength of character to change now.

They are in their 80s. They are being coerced into letting an unstable adult son into their home. This could end in disaster. They are vulnerable just because of their age.

@DogBedPillow do not let this happen. Do they have other children? Do they have LPAs?

Are they able to assertively say no? He needs to seek help, he is also vulnerable clearly? Does he have children?

You say he has accessed all help available. How has that gone?

Irrespective of his own condition, this is elder abuse and he is attempting to blackmail them by saying he will kill himself if they don't agree.

That in itself appears to show a level of manipulation which appears to be contra to his assertion that he needs to live with them because he can't cope otherwise.

@MNLurker1345 and how do you think OP could stop him moving in?

She has posted for helpful advice and support.

He does not have the right to move in. Perhaps PPs that offering advice and support might be helpful to OP. Or we all just shrug
our shoulders and say there is nothing you can do OP. If that is the case, then why bother posting?

@DogBedPillow is there anything you or
anyone else can do to stop him moving in?

Regardless of whether they would be able to care for him or not, at 80 it makes no sense to do so because it won’t be for long anyways.

The 50 year old needs separate living arrangements.

Does he work?
what is the financial situation?
what supported living opportunities are there in the area?
why is this happening now - he’s 50 where is he now
could HE move to a care home if what he wants is someone to feed him etc
DPs won’t always be there or does he just want to live in their nice house - could he have a granny flat extension or separate his rooms from the main house

i think you can contact police if someone is coercing or bullying elderly people - might not be the case if DS

Presumably the son could not afford a care home. He wouldn't get funding for it. Carers are the preferred financial option and he has rejected carers.

They need to say no and ignore him. They have spoiled him over the years and made a rod for their own backs. Best for them to go into a home so they don’t have to deal with him anymore! He can take care of himself.

Ask him how he would like to do it and offer him the means- watch how quickly he backs down.
80 year olds CANNOT care full time for anyone, often not even themselves.
Tell the son he has to get other help , and claim benefits to pay for it- if he doesn't qualify he either a/ does not truly need the help or b/ he actually can afford to pay for the care himself.
He is clearly mentally quite capable and not truly depressed otherwise he would not be able to corner his parents like this- he just wants what he wants and needs to be stopped.
Personally I would report him for elder abue.

Sounds like you need to sit down with the parents, ideally with another trusted party present (think: priest, doctor, close friend of theirs) and present a united front. Explain that emotional blackmail is calculated and unacceptable and that they have the right to enjoy the last few years of their lives. Help them with a plan of action to say no to their son.

There's a thread on here about a similar situation and sadly, after the parent(s) died, the adult child sorted their life out immediately, no help needed!

It's narcissistic behaviour and the parents will need help seeing it and dealing with it.

Finally.. bit extreme but well worth it if you can afford it. Hire a private investigator and try to obtain evidence of him being plenty self-sufficient. The more evidence you have during the intervention with the parents, the easier it will be to convince them and get to the plan of action. You don't have to be nasty about the son, as that could trigger a defensive response, be empathetic and when showing evidence of the manipulation, just say it's evidence he is "more capable than he probably realises himself and we need to help him see it so that you can enjoy your retirement years together".

Thank you all. Really appreciate this input, and have read and re-read all responses.

Truth be told, I'm also scared to counsel the parents against moving him in, in case he does kill himself and it's then "my fault". He has threatened suicide many times before, but this feels to be on a different level. He sometimes even graphically tells us the different options of what he will do. It's awful to hear, and of course even more so for the parents.

He is genuinely depressed (has been most of the time for many years, I'd say), and genuinely suffering enormously - that isn't really in doubt.

Someone suggested CCTV. Great suggestion in theory (thank you), but made me guffaw. One of the things he's obsessed with controlling is all the tech they have. He already makes them have all their computers and phones just how he wants them. So that, sadly, would be the last thing possible....

What a mess :(

If you think there is coercive control you can report that as a crime.

Also, he sees himself as entirely a sad victim who needs looking after, and I genuinely don't know what would happen if I told him he can't move in because he's controlling/abusive. He honestly ticks EVERY box for it, but I don't think he would see it that way at all.

I could, but the parents would be really upset I think, so I can't. Thank you for the suggestion, though.

Depending on whether or not I thought the adult parents would meet the definition of a person with care and support needs (it sounds like they would) I might raise an adult safeguarding concern citing him as the abuser, but I would know it wouldn't go anywhere as said adult parents sound very much as if they would deny there was any abuse or issue at all. I think I would still do it anyway, to get the issue on the radar.

I was so scared about any of this being "outing" because no one outside the situation knows any of this, and all three parties would be mortified/terrified if it got out... but you know what? Fuck it.

Yes, you're right about who I am in the situation (sister/daughter). So I also have an investment in my brother (who I love, but also sometimes hate due to how he relentlessly abuses our parents).

I've also basically been scared of him since childhood, and placating him has been one of my life's main aims, which is pretty depressing.

Are Social Services involved in your family situation OP? If so, could you reach out to them? What about your parents' GP? Might it be worth making him/her aware of the pressure they are under from your 'D'B as two 80-year-olds shouldn't be being expected to be a carer for a manipulative 56-year-old and they may need support in resisting his demands on the basis of their own age, health and wellbeing. I can see that you are in a very difficult position and could easily become the villain of the piece, but would intervention from the authorities help, do you think?

ETA: if the authorities are not currently involved you could ask for a referral to be made for any/all of them as each are vulnerable adults and one is apparently actively suicidal, as well as highly manipulative.

If it were parents abusing a child would you not report because the child would be upset?

It might be the way to help everyone realise they do need help.