Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

I’m going against the grain here but I am the parent who made my adult child
leave. Mental illness is not a get out of jail free card for treating the rest of the family with contempt. If you are walking on eggshells then it’s abuse. Someone kindly pointed this out to me at the time. We didn’t literally throw him out, we found a room in a HMO, bought him what he needed, paid the deposit and first months rent then off he went. Don’t get me wrong, we all still suffered, but I could make him leave my house when he was being disrespectful and close my door to the peace I deserve. We have a good relationship now as he learned that he could not behave appallingly in my house without consequences. I’ve tried to say this before on here, but you are enabling this for as long as you let it continue.

This OP.

I know 3 women who chucked their ADULT children out for various reasons including drugs, mental illness. When I say chucked out I mean paid for a month's rent and deposit and then left them to their own devices and funnily enough every single one of them turned it around when they realised they weren't going to worm their way back home. Having MH does not absolve you of any responsibility, what youre teaching your other children is to put up with abuse if the person has a good enough reason.

I am in the exact same situation with my 20yr old daughter. It’s beyond stressful. Definitely 💯 get in touch with Adult Social Care at your county council (where are you btw? I’m in Surrey). You both need to get a social worker to get a Carer’s assessment and for support workers/PA to come in for how ever many hours a week you need. This is where I am at. I really feel for you and hear your anxiety. Here if you need to chat things through and support one another x

The price we have paid is a child who is now completely estranged from the whole family. He has made a life for himself though, but I wonder if it's been worth it.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. If he is fending for himself and functioning as an adult then it’s not been your price to pay. If he’s chosen to cut you out of his life what was the alternative? I don’t know your background with him but if he was making your life difficult then why should you have continued to suffer. It is really hard and there aren’t any right or wrong answers but living in the same house as an adult who is abusive is not ok, whether they are your spouse or child.

they refuse to accept any social services intervention. I think there’s a dual thought process of sticking their head in the sand, and devastation their life has come to this, plus extreme rejection of anyone trying to help.