Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Where do you think he could go exactly? A man without a job and mental health problems will end up homeless on the street.

He wouldn't end up on the street. He presents himself at housing as a vulnerable homeless person and he will be accommodated. If you support him with the application and tell them about his MH needs and you not being able to continue caring for him whilst he is living with you they will try and look for a supported tenancy scheme for him rather than place him in a B&B. When making the application be careful with the wording, they will assess him over a period of time whilst they accommodate him temporarily (56 days I think). If they find him intentionally homeless, they can end their duty, so you need to be mindful of wording it as you being impacted by his mental health needs rather than anything that would suggest it's intentional behaviour. If they find him to be vulnerable and unintentionally homeless they have to find him permanent accommodation.

refuses to entertain the idea of social housing, social services. I would say every day our relationship gets worse. We used to go out for a walk, or chat in my lunch break. Now it’s mainly staying in the room.
last night was horrific, dh is completely out of empathy and has lost his temper, shouting at him to leave. Ds is just trapped here, no money at all, no ambition. He says he will kill himself at some point, which I don’t believe I think it’s a lack of seeing a way out.
baby steps don’t work. I can’t even speak to him most of the time - I text, then call, then end up hammering on the door, he wakes up and is in a shit mood.
everything is reframed to make history have me the villain. I won’t go into all of it but just things like I’ve never cared about his mental health until now when it’s so bad and he’s living here. I didn’t care at uni, when he was out of sight etc, only now when it’s affecting me. Etc.

Do you have any experience at all with this sort of situation because you're talking absolute rubbish. Why do you think there are so many homeless people on the streets? For a start it takes a long time to find housing for people without a home if at all. He isn't without home, he lives with his parents so he will be way down the bottom of the list. People with severe mental health issues don't 'present ' themselves to social services. They are stressed and anxious and very fearful. To take that upon themselves in a fragile state, find the right person, right office etc and then explain that they are vulnerable and homeless is just pie in the sky.. My son spoke to them in our home after I arranged it. He was really scared to be told by the social worker that he would be housed with drug addicts and violent people and it would take a long time anyway. We never heard another word.

Multiple doctors did nothing but prescribe anti depressants which made his moods far worse . He was offered nothing beyond a short course of CBT. He was a suicide risk and no one could care less.

😂 oh yes, of course the magic accommodation that the housing offices have... Just turn up to their office, say you're vulnerable and homeless and they'll escort you to a nice place to sta, they've got loads of places just waiting for people to present themselves...

Do you think that actually works?

This sounds so tough.

Did he live independently at uni, I'm guessing from what you said? So they have the ability to do this again, and a big if, if they can stabilise their mental health?

Does he qualify for LCWRA, if he can’t work? This would help take the strain of his mental health costs.

Yes but only in name. Constant calls home, room never clear or hygienic, didn’t eat properly, etc

I can ask him to ask about the LCWRA, I think he has a journal? To contact Universal Credit

Ok, so advice from someone who has been through this:

detach detach detach.

does he have a bedroom or is he literally living including sleeping in the dining room?

stop hassling him about stuff. It stresses you out and causes conflict. So just stop.

food wise you yell when dinner is ready and if he doesn’t want it he doesn’t have it.

is he on meds? Private psych is costing you quite a lot of money. Can you actually afford it and is it helping? If not consider dropping it to once a month or similar.

if he’s in the dining room do you have space to eat in the kitchen or outside?

basically this is a very stressful situation for you and your dh, so try to reduce stress on you.

Is he autistic OP? Just sounds like he ticks a lot of boxes there. What MH issues does he have?

This sounds incredibly hard for you, but DH needs to stay away from him if all he is doing is shouting at him to leave. If he has nowhere to go that really isn't helping anyone, especially as DS's self esteem will already be on the floor.

What do you mean by 'doesn't pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now?' Is there a reason you refer to him as they rather than he?

I agree with what Octavia64 says, take a bit of a step back for your own sakes -while being aware that life is obviously incredibly hard for him. No one wants to live like that.

LCWRA is very very similar assessment to PIP in fact I think they might have merged them.

(googles)

yes they’ve merged the forms so both are now the ESA50 form.

so if you have done it for pip it is literally the same process for LCWRA

Oh that’s interesting thank you on pip. They have done an assessment so waiting for the outcome.
No reason for they/him just my rubbish writing style, sorry. Choices are a financial commitment he can’t get out of.
so the dining room is now his room as when he moved out the others all stopped sharing so his room wasn’t available iyswim? I thought it might be temporary (still hoping).
its so hard to detach and I know he can’t go back yet. I just sometimes end up shouting to try and get sense into him (I know this isn’t a mental health treatment, it’s just so devastating seeing it).

Yes, I know how it works. I work in that area so have plenty of experience thank you, hence why I know how important the wording is to evidence vulnerability and unintentional homelessness.

Well it didn’t work for my son. Perhaps there are some areas where you can turn up and say I’m homeless when you aren’t and by nightfall there is a flat available .

This comment resonated with me and brought me to tears for you. I count my lucky stars that we are the other side but I remember it was so hard. Hard to miss their cheery former selves.

I think if you are supporting financially and in other ways you can explain re consequences eg about your debt and give an ultimatum re engaging with services and contributing one way or another. You are within your rights to limit costs eg limiting internet/ data if you are paying for phone/wifi. My friend used to take the router out with her, which might or might not be an option. I’m sure there aren’t easy answers but you’re definitely not sounding like a cow!

If he's homeless and vulnerable then he will be offered temporary accommodation. If he's not homeless then, depending on where he is, he might be given assistance to access supportive accommodation. Where I used to work there was a lot of it, it wasn't immediately available but we did try very hard to ensure that those who needed extra help got it. The aim was to ensure they were able to hold a tenancy as most had failed in the past and we didn't want a revolving door situation. I realise that many local authorities don't provide such accommodation, so it's a question of asking if they do.

Love to know how that works...Otherwise I agree with much of the good advice on here. Reduce the expensive therapy if its not helping. Try to distance yourself - stay calm, don't force the stuff that increases stress (if he doesn't eat his tea and so on). I would talk to DH and decide on a plan so you work together. Do you have other children at home? Is he in debt? Asking because it all adds to the difficult picture.
It is so hard when people who have capacity won't engage with services - it means they cant offer help.
I have lots of experience of mental health services, social services but my DS is happy to engage. I can only suggest as a starting point that you get your home as calm as possible, let him see you and DH are on the same page. I would then take things step by step - if you could change one simple thing what would that be - does he keep himself clean, clothes clean (probably huge steps for him), if it is debt - how can that be tackled and so on. Sadly I think you are tackling this yourselves.

Yes me with our nearly 23 year old son, accepts no responsibility for his actions and is outrageous to us. I want a husband back and to not be part of a co-carer team. DS has made his choices and has had all the support from us. I love him and I hate him and I want a life now. My other DS is so overlooked.

Thank you @Diorama2

@SingtotheCat im sorry you are here also. I so get wanting to just be a person not a carer.

so I think it’s really helpful to hear the different experiences and how to word things about housing. I don’t know how to reach that point as he 100% will not entertain moving out again, or being someone who has a social worker. Pip called yesterday with follow up questions and he almost cancelled the whole claim due to the stress of talking about it.
I agree about being calm and accepting what we can’t change. It’s almost like I’m so scared that if I don’t challenge all the water use and hoarding it will get worse.
I will talk to dh over the weekend and see if we can at least agree a period of time to just ignore and see if therapy helps.

Turn off the Internet for the weekend

A lot of the stress is the impact. Our stuff gets thrown out like whole loo rolls, glasses etc if they are perceived as contaminated. I’ve started going through bins. Will not accept that this isn’t ok, just swears at me.
I feel like it’s too far gone now. I’ve definitely behaved badly in losing my temper and shouting to come out the toilet, get out of bed, turn the faucet off etc. he says we don’t care about them and only care because they are here and in our face.

Also, as an adult I’m not involved in any therapy. So I don’t know what they have been told to try, what medication etc. so even at fortnightly (we stopped weekly as couldn’t afford) it’s an hour which isn’t touching anything from what I can see.

I feel like such a failure. Like there was a point I could have turned things around and I’ve lost that chance now.

Is it OCD?

Yes that’s one of them