My DS, 24 said to me last night 'why did no one teach me to live independently?' It was said in accusatory way, but has given me pause for thought, as while he has been living independently at university for 3 years till his breakdown last summer, clearly he feels now has has no clue how to be, and is (also) doing nothing. I'm much more a 'well everyone chooses their own path and works things out for themselves' kind of parent, - and I did show him how to do lots of things as a teenager and have him doing jobs round the house, but it strikes me he is in a phase of wanting things very clearcut, and this is something I can help with. A schedule towards living independently.
I brought him up as a single mum from the age of 11, with his father largely absent. He said yesterday too that the conspiracy theorists give clear male voices on what to think (just, imo, that they are wrong, and that confident doesn't mean right). I can see that him searching and wondering how to be a good man, you do need active role models. I did try to provide these, and he was active in football clubs, youth groups etc, however, I do see the gap, even though it feels hard he frames it as my fault, not his father's absence.
He said too, 'You and dad never spoke about what you believe.' I find this really startling, I'm an active member of the leadership team of a liberal church and try really hard to put my beliefs into action. He went as a child and young person to faith-related youth groups, and we lived in another country in Africa for 4 years, where we were really explicit how fortunate we were, and what we did daily to support others who were less fortunate. His father has worked for 30 years on some of the trickier social issues of our time. But somehow these actions, and nudges through childhood and teenage years, aren't seen as explicit as youtube influencers spouting for 5 minutes on other peoples wrongs.