Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

What happens if they do lose their job? That’s so stressful, as you know what’s round the corner but they just don’t accept facts or plan more than the next hour.

I have found out there is a meeting today with the workplace. I think this may be the catalyst for accepting that burying head in the sand can continue no longer. Unfortunately they were notified last week and did nothing so no union rep or workplace representative can accompany today.

Oh @Hadenough2022 I’m sorry. Fingers crossed for you and dc.

I'm so confused and depressed I'm so sad that this is my life. My eldest wants this happy, close relationship with my youngest but it's impossible due to his behaviour.

Over the decades he's made so very many awful dramas. He's been in prison, menaced me (and my youngest in the past) for money many times. He's fallen off the drinking wagon thousands of times.

He's aggressive verbally, he's very boring and stuck in horrible obsessions. He doesn't have a single friend in the world. And it's all because of his behaviour.

My youngest has been away for a few weeks at his girlfriend's parents' holiday home.

Whilst he's been away the eldest has stayed over at my house (my youngest lives at home still and the eldest in his own flat around the corner).

The eldest loathes my next door neighbours and has been banging on the wall and in a fury if he hears any noise coming from them.

If i jump in shock at a banging frenzy he's furious about that. He says he's got ptsd, he probably has, from his own behavior.

A portion of every day is spent talking about everything that has been done to him, he's a permanent victim.

Whilst the youngest has been away I've been trying to give him company but nothing helps.

Yesterday he said I'm glad I'm not banned from the house anymore so we can have a good Christmas. I said 'it's only while the youngest is away. Remember you threatened to throw his pc off the balcony very recently. However, he's away for Christmas anyway.

He was in a fury because the youngest knows about the pc threat. I've explained that he was drunk and very volatile at the time and I needed the youngest's help to urgently go and rescue the stuff.

I'm worn out, I've spent the last 35 years wrangling him and trying to inject some joy or just anything positive into his life.

He has raging adhd, I've suggested and offered support to get treatment till I'm blue in the face.

He is perpetually dissatisfied and angry and it's a boring, frightening tightrope navigating his rages.

My youngest said how lovely it was to be with a normal functioning family at his girlfriends and I said (and am) very happy for him. But I felt so sad.

He wants nothing to do with the eldest and I think he has that right.

I'm selling my house and giving 50% to my youngest because it will be impossible for him to get his inheritance otherwise.

I'm just sad that every day I wake up and the eldest is looking forward to whatever I will do. He has no self propulsion, no learning, no ability to amuse himself.

He can't settle to read a book or watch tv. The only thing he enjoys independently is catching buses and roaming around drinking.

It emerged that the reason he wanted to stay at my house is because he'd been drunk in the city centre racially abusing asylum seekers.

So he's scared of the police, again.

Oh @Dogaredabomb how did we get here? I’m so sorry, it’s kind of a shock isn’t it to be in this situation and have no way out. Thank goodness for your youngest and your relationship with him. Will you stay local when you downsize or move away?

I really wouldn't sell your house and give him 50%. He will just drink it all.

No, I'd be giving 50% to the other (good) one so that he can have his half of my house without battling the naughty /ill one after I'm gone.

Omg ladies what are you tolerating here . Not just you but your other family members. When will this end . 10yrs 20yrs , it won’t all the while you are enabling this . You are not responsible for the choices these adult men are making . They don’t have to change because they have the comfort of your homes . What if they were orphans they’d have to get themselves sorted . I just wouldn’t tolerate all that shit . Why does one man’s behaviour trump the needs of all other family members to lead a quiet calm peaceful life ? . IMO you need help to get passed any emotional pull and kick them out . Asking social services politely will never work because you are providing a roof , if that wasn’t the situation SS would have to find accommodation.

How do you physically get them out? If they never leave the house, what then? What if they have nowhere to go?

My sister in law threw my nephew out. He slept on friends' sofas for a few weeks but the friends got fed up with him and he literally had nowhere to go so she took him back. Later on he started wrecking the house in a fury and she called the police, who removed him and he was actually sectioned and this caused adult social care to get involved as he was now deemed vulnerable. They got him a supported living place and he now has his own flat.

Throwing people out is not as easy as it may seem.

That was her mistake , she took him back and he wrecked the place . Why would she do that , madness and totally unfair on other family living there . Ultimately he is now living elsewhere so throwing him out did get the outcome she wanted .
You can either cave or decide you aren’t living like that anymore . There’s only 2 choices .

@hattie43I don’t know if you been through anything similar to us all on this thread but it is incredibly difficult to kick out your own child (even if they are fully grown adults). Your maternal/paternal instincts are to help.

From my own point of view, ds is ND & easily led & has some questionable ‘friends’ & I suspect will flounder rather than flourish if we kick him out.

That said, we reached the end of our tether long ago so once back from our holiday in September are going to address the issue.

The point is that involving the police gets results.

I don’t think seeing my child sleep on the streets would solve this, especially if I was the one to drag him out there.

It would literally solve it because he wouldn't be in your house.

At some point it is a choice to live this life.

Posters suggesting making my adult child homeless and literally locking the doors and chucking their stuff in the street - I would be swapping one type of misery for another.

Apply to become his appointee for benefits, then you can deal with them on his behalf, take the pressure off him for now, get the money he needs, get him paying for food and board, then take it from there. He sounds like he is really struggling, and so are you

Yes he will have a journal, if he's not already receiving it do apply for PIP as well and if you have to remind him to eat etc carers allowance for yourself.
All the best. 💓

Echoing all other posters. This is nothing you have done. Do you suspect undiagnosed neurodivergence?

I realise this is much easier said than done, but do you own your own home? If so I would suggest selling it and requesting support from social services to ease him into independent living as part of that transition. You can tell him it’s to do with finances. He won’t be happy, but it would likely be the best thing for both of you in terms of mental health.

Are any of your younger children under 18? When i got my needy one a flat it helped that my other one was under 18 and nd, I said it was causing him 'overwhelming psychological distress' living with the needy one.

He might not be able to use it at first but you could possibly transition him very slowly. Or use it yourself to get a little peace while you're transitioning him.

I have to go and give my needy one a lot of help and company in his flat but at least he's not fucking up my house.

OP it sounds like yours is too ill atm to live independently but it takes a long time to get a flat and it will take ages to transition him. Mine is 35 now and a dreadful nuisance but at least finally, finally actually living in his flat.

Yesterday I washed up, I got him to dry a few of the dishes. I wiped down half of the kitchen and tried to get him to wipe down the other half. It's insane, I'm insane.

Looking back i can see that my one has been odd his whole life.

He has never amused himself in his life, couldn't play with a toy alone or read a book independently. He is very fearful / aggressive and complains obsessively.

At first i just thought boys had a lot of energy and needed a lot of direction but then I had another boy.

I wish I'd realised earlier that he needed something else. But what? I'd like to get him on mood stabilising drugs but he says no. And his persistent depression, looking back, has been there always.

He's very blank faced and only happy at the exact second he gets something he's pestered for, and then the complaining starts again.

He's very intelligent which i think has worked against him because he coasted through secondary school and no one picked up on any nd.

I was incredibly wild as a teenager and stopped being risky and irresponsible at 18 and assumed he was doing the same.

You'd be free and have your house back. Anyone else living in the house would be happier and healthier too.
You are putting his needs above everybody else. How would that be misery? It would be worry but not the misery it is now.

I can’t have my child homeless, against their will. I don’t want to deal with this but the whole point is that they are not capable or willing (balance here) and mentally ill. I want to find a solution that doesn’t have me awake at night (and their siblings worried) thinking they are in danger. I genuinely have never met anyone who has literally chucked their child out. I’m finding it helpful to connect with other parents trying to work through the mental health and social care system.