Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Would you chuck him out? I’m sure you would have the right to do so.
Or would you sell-up, get a small flat/cottage he can’t live in and enjoy the money?

My needy one has moved in a massive drunken strop back to his flat. He was in my house to recover and my youngest was in his flat. He demanded an immediate swap back and I took the opportunity.

It's been bliss to have him out of my house, the erratic moods and my anxiety over his aggression and drinking were intolerable.

He's been drinking absolutely 24/7 in his flat and sending me stupid texts. I've heard it all before thousands of times.

I'm sad for him that this is what he chooses but any life raft I offer he just stabs and causes misery. I find the self obsession really repellant.

Obviously I love him but I think any 'help' is part of some weird game that I don't want to play.

I managed to go to McDonald's for breakfast at 6.30 with him when he was only leftover drunk ish. I stopped at a garage on the way home and he bought cider, 7am. And spent until midnight clearly drinking as I could tell from the texts.

He's asked me to take him to the doctors next week. My natural instinct is to help but I'm wondering if it's to get me back under control and sucked back into the game. Not sure. I've done this before many times.

It is all about manipulation, I’m sure they can’t help it in the true sense, as who would want their life to be that way, but I’d honestly say that he can go to the doctors on his own. I’ve learned a lot on this journey and I have made a lot of mistakes but each time I’ve tried to learn from them.

@Dogaredabombas a parent, your natural instinct is to want to help - this time might be the turning point despite previous efforts to the contrary. At what point do you/we stop. Difficult to decide.

The controlling aspect is maybe not a conscious thing but I’ve found my own ds will do/say what we want to hear-it might be lies or he may work at it for a while but it doesn’t last. I understand this is part & parcel of being ND but that is cold comfort.

@thelastcakeismine that is so true, you think you’re wrung out but putting an end to it feels impossible. I have to text mine as they haven’t emerged from their room in three days after back to illness never get better there’s no point.

@Dogaredabomb my goodness I would do everything in my power to keep him in the flat. I do think there’s an element of choice in that recovery is hard and life won’t look like they wanted (good career, fun teen years to look back on) so why try?

He has capacity! Thank goodness you said that.

I was confused as you started off saying an 'adult child', then went off into theys and thems. I was wondering how many!

It seems like you are making progress, you have to give yourself some priority.
Good luck.

I think you're right, he complains a lot about enmeshment 🙄 so I'll say it's best if he deals with the doctors himself. I'm wondering if I should give him a lift though as he's very unwell with the drinking and it's very hilly where we live? That's mad isn't it, he can get an uber. It seems so cold to me.

I think that my one creates chaos in order to control me. He makes himself ill with drink so I have to help, he trashes his environment so that I clean it.

He doesn't pay vital bills so that I do it (administratively, I get the money off him). Currently he doesn't understand the bins set up at his flat, which I've explained. I nearly said I'll come over and show you and help you.

He does have asd (mild), adhd (severe) and I suspect a couple of PDs. But I've had enough!!!! Having a child shouldn't be a lifelong penance! I've really really sincerely tried!

I'm going to find a way to say to him no, I want our relationship to be a weekly Toby or similar.

Sorry, it’s just the way I write. One adult child.