Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Would you chuck him out? I’m sure you would have the right to do so.
Or would you sell-up, get a small flat/cottage he can’t live in and enjoy the money?

My needy one has moved in a massive drunken strop back to his flat. He was in my house to recover and my youngest was in his flat. He demanded an immediate swap back and I took the opportunity.

It's been bliss to have him out of my house, the erratic moods and my anxiety over his aggression and drinking were intolerable.

He's been drinking absolutely 24/7 in his flat and sending me stupid texts. I've heard it all before thousands of times.

I'm sad for him that this is what he chooses but any life raft I offer he just stabs and causes misery. I find the self obsession really repellant.

Obviously I love him but I think any 'help' is part of some weird game that I don't want to play.

I managed to go to McDonald's for breakfast at 6.30 with him when he was only leftover drunk ish. I stopped at a garage on the way home and he bought cider, 7am. And spent until midnight clearly drinking as I could tell from the texts.

He's asked me to take him to the doctors next week. My natural instinct is to help but I'm wondering if it's to get me back under control and sucked back into the game. Not sure. I've done this before many times.

It is all about manipulation, I’m sure they can’t help it in the true sense, as who would want their life to be that way, but I’d honestly say that he can go to the doctors on his own. I’ve learned a lot on this journey and I have made a lot of mistakes but each time I’ve tried to learn from them.

@Dogaredabombas a parent, your natural instinct is to want to help - this time might be the turning point despite previous efforts to the contrary. At what point do you/we stop. Difficult to decide.

The controlling aspect is maybe not a conscious thing but I’ve found my own ds will do/say what we want to hear-it might be lies or he may work at it for a while but it doesn’t last. I understand this is part & parcel of being ND but that is cold comfort.

@thelastcakeismine that is so true, you think you’re wrung out but putting an end to it feels impossible. I have to text mine as they haven’t emerged from their room in three days after back to illness never get better there’s no point.

@Dogaredabomb my goodness I would do everything in my power to keep him in the flat. I do think there’s an element of choice in that recovery is hard and life won’t look like they wanted (good career, fun teen years to look back on) so why try?

He has capacity! Thank goodness you said that.

I was confused as you started off saying an 'adult child', then went off into theys and thems. I was wondering how many!

It seems like you are making progress, you have to give yourself some priority.
Good luck.

I think you're right, he complains a lot about enmeshment 🙄 so I'll say it's best if he deals with the doctors himself. I'm wondering if I should give him a lift though as he's very unwell with the drinking and it's very hilly where we live? That's mad isn't it, he can get an uber. It seems so cold to me.

I think that my one creates chaos in order to control me. He makes himself ill with drink so I have to help, he trashes his environment so that I clean it.

He doesn't pay vital bills so that I do it (administratively, I get the money off him). Currently he doesn't understand the bins set up at his flat, which I've explained. I nearly said I'll come over and show you and help you.

He does have asd (mild), adhd (severe) and I suspect a couple of PDs. But I've had enough!!!! Having a child shouldn't be a lifelong penance! I've really really sincerely tried!

I'm going to find a way to say to him no, I want our relationship to be a weekly Toby or similar.

Sorry, it’s just the way I write. One adult child.

I just want to say that I'm very thankful for this thread. It's helping me think a bit more clearly and misery loves company 😂

OP can you try not texting after three days?

I was just thinking about this earlier. I’m going to stop and make it less comfortable

It's about removing unnecessary stress for you. I'm sure as you're texting you can guess the response so don't bother.

When the needy one was here I'd ask twice if he'd do something then do it myself rather than ask a hundred times and still have to do it myself.

Have you tried adult social services? I did and got a knock back.

My difficult one is talking about the doctor and I've said that I can save him the bother and tell him what the doctor would say, stop drinking.

I am continuing to offer a trip to Toby or McDonald's breakfast 'when he feels up to it' (ie pleasant and sober.

Most people who take antidepressants are stressed about real life things, it doesnt mean they won't help, especially if your situation isnt going to change.

They may just allow your mood to settle so you can see things more clearly and actually make a plan for your future.

Well yesterday was shit. Saw him for five minutes and it escalated to him shouting about his victim status because when i said ‘do you want x’ and he said ‘yes’ I said ‘yes please’.
so then just them shouting about fucking this fucking that, dh getting involved, and I just thought well you’ve come in looking for an argument haven’t you. Decided they weren’t having lunch (on the table) and I just said ok. Haven’t seen him for over 24 hours now.

Sorry that was a rough day for you massivestress. It’s so draining.

@massivestress that sounds intolerable. I feel for you and your family.
I have had a week off work not the best week I’ve had. I’ve self referred myself for mental health support as this is having a real impact on me. Is this something you can do? I think if I can speak to someone outside the house they might be able to help.

I’m wondering if I do do this actually. Just so lost with what to do. House is full of all their stuff from attempt to move out so I’m overwhelmed

I know you referenced other children, how many people are living in your house? Not to be nosy, but I'm just wondering if you have reached the stage where 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one? You sound understandably worn down and exhausted, and I'm wondering if you've reached the end of your energy to actually change anything. You know your son is being demanding, unreasonable, selfish and is making no effort to help himself. Yes, he clearly has mental health issues, but he is also an adult and frankly the world doesn't revolve around him. He also currently has no incentive to change the dynamic, because in a warped way it is currently working for him. By that I mean he has his basic needs catered to, I'm not suggesting he's actually happy. Unfortunately I think it may need something to happen to force the issue of moving him out. You may have no choice but to be cruel to the kind. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

NC for this.
i really feel for you, and I don’t know what the answer is.
However, I do think he is being abusive and you should take this opportunity to try and refuse for him to come home.

I had severe MH issues in my teens and twenties, and to an extent, still do albeit now well managed and with insight.
My mother took a v different approach with me, and whilst I don’t advocate it, there were elements of it that in hindsight did benefit me….

Essentially, from her POV, I turned 18 and as an adult not in education (MH prevented me from finishing school) , I was considered responsible for myself. This meant that i had to seek alternative housing and financial support. She was happy to advise me of the routes - which would have been b and b if I waited to be turfed out. But if i got up and out every day and went to GP, mental health workers, DHSS, homeless persons unit (alone) - and argued my case, I could stay pending being offered supported housing . If I didn’t, I could present as homeless and have b and b or go on the streets.

I didn’t threaten suicide but had had many previous attempts and hospitalisations. I also self harmed to the extent that stitches were often needed, so there were records to help access supported housing.

Whilst I was with her , she didn’t want me to be too comfortable! It was pre internet. I was only allowed to turn on the tv in the evening. No heating in the day. Did my own laundry and most food. Not allowed to slob around - up and dressed and out the house. No snacks at home - so lots of incentives to sort benefits. She would give advice - about benefits, where to buy cheap food, cooking - and later on re voluntary work and interview guidance - but only if asked.

No doubt she was terrified I’d kill myself. She said once that she would never get over it if I succeeded, but she could not stop me and it would be my decision and she wouldn’t be to blame.

I don’t know really. It was tough. I felt very uncared for . But it did kick me - and I was eventually housed in a MH house and gradually moved forward and am now a uni educated professional, married with kids. We now know that I am AudADHD as are my children, but as we know, girls and women are so good at masking!

She did hold onto her need to have her own life and that I needed to take responsibility for mine and sink or swim. If I has a comfy room, TV, meals and laundry being done for me, maybe I’d still be there. There were definitely weeks at a time I didn’t shower/ wash / eat etc - but you do end up sorting it out when your housemates swear at you and tell you that you reek …..

@anonMH that is very thought provoking. I think in the past that’s what parenting was generally like and once you were 18 you were expected to be independent.
i think my problem is I can’t detach as much as I probably should. It’s very difficult to do so when you see your child struggling so much.

I just had an expletive-riden rant from my adult daughter because I suggested an alternative outfit to her for an outdoor event she is attending today.

Tbh I should just have kept quiet. It's hard to live on egg shells all the time. But it does help not to escalate them xx

OP I think you mentioned that there was a referral to tier 2 mh services in the offing?

Re tough parenting with mh/ND YAs I just don't know. It seems extremely cruel however my needy one is nearly 36 and every single thing I've tried has absolutely not worked.

It's exhausted me in every way, including financially, and made not a jot of difference so I should /could have saved myself the bother.

I know that my youngest has suffered immensely due to the needy one's chaos and poor behaviour.

My one continues in his flat and life is so much better. I've seen him a couple of times and let him know that I'm available for lunch or breakfast, he's only 5 minutes away.

I'm not offering any help with any organising or cleaning.

meant kindly OP, but he communicated with you, accepted what was offered with a ‘Yes’ and you said ‘’Yes, please’ I guess out of your frustration that you are being taken advantage of or similar. But sounds like it then went downhill, I wonder how he felt , like his answer wasn’t good enough, like he was accepting your help but he wasn’t good enough, or you were treating him like a child. I’m sure your expectations of him are on the floor but maybe they need to be even lower and to try to support any effort at communication.
But overall it sounds a heartbreaking situation, I hope you find some way forward for you all.

I am holding out hope for this to happen one day. I’m so pleased for you that you have some space now. Yes there is a meeting where they will discuss the step up and whether he meets the criteria for tier 2 apparently.

Yes you are probably right, I just can’t stand the whole moping around when I’ve cooked a meal or am offering (yet more) help it’s just always always depression and minimal communication and never any form of gratitude. I agree with you completely it’s just unbearable living like this.