Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

There are always two sides to every story. Firstly, be thankful she at least has a place to stay and is safe. In all liklihood if what you say is true it will blow over and she will be back soon enough.

Lots of drama here. You aren't 'neglecting' an almost adult by not cleaning the house, though it must be an unpleasant place to live. And your relationship with DD seems pretty bad, but your friends aren't helping by intervening like this. Could you leave it a week then contact DD asking her to meet for a chat ? Meanwhile don't try to transfer the benefits.

I agree, and I think DD has struggled to fit in at college, and is clearly having troubles of some kind. But she has been an absolute handful for the last five years or so. The house is messy, sometimes more and sometimes less, I have longstanding mental health issues, but the social intervened a few years ago and facilitated support. I have provided good food, good clothes, created plenty of opportunities educationally, listened, supported, advised, helped etc but DD has a history of lashing out at me when she isn’t comfortable with something, and others misinterpret (such as her saying “mum doesn’t give me stuff to eat and there’s no food in the house” when she actually means the perfectly nutritious home cooked food she gets isn’t to her liking, and there’s nothing else in the cupboards to suit her - bearing in mind I’ll have told her what’s for tea, she has said ok, watched me spend e.g. two hours or so cooking, then saying she doesn’t want it when it’s served to her). I can’t believe my “friends” attitude here.

I should add that DD has never lifted a finger to help around the house, she wants me to do literally everything. She tells me to fuck off if I ask her for help, except very occasionally.

If she is as rude and untidy while staying with other people they will soon see that you were not misleading them on this. Perhaps you both need some time apart. You could agree to transfer the child benefit but surely whoever pays the maintenance will be the one to decide to whom it is rightfully payable. These friends need to consult that person. I think she may return home pretty quickly.

You kicked her out. Obviously you can’t keep her money. Maybe once she’s settled your relationship will improve so give her time.

Honestly I’d enjoy the peace. I’d be wary of transferring benefits to them- pass the money across if it seems appropriate but don’t transfer the claim. She might come back in a fortnight and you’d be struggling.

Locking the back door and not letting her in when she did return will not look good. Until she is 18 you are responsible for providing her with somewhere to live. She can't access housing benefit under Govt regulations so I can see why these friends are laying down conditions. The fact that social services have geen involved in the past might jit help your cause either.

It would help if you put in paragraphs as it's quite hard to read a block of text.

Is she at school/education and what's her behaviour like there?

Also, I do clean the house, and try to keep on top of stuff as best I can. Other folk have been in here and said it’s a bit chaotic but it isn’t that bad. DD knows how to stack the dishwasher, do laundry, cook risotto, make omelettes, sandwiches, pasta, porridge, etc etc, as I have taught her all that, but she won’t do it. She will ask me to clean the bath before she gets in it, even if it is already clean, for example. If she goes elsewhere she helps out, but not here. I have to clean her pets (rabbits and Guinea pigs), and she tells me to fuck off etc if I ask her to let the dogs out for a pee if I’m busy. She shows me absolute disdain most of the time. I’ve spoken with college about this but it’s difficult for them to help as she is almost 18.

The only thing is that the person paying the child maintenance deserves to know who is receiving it. Why should the OP keep it if she is not caring for or even seeing her daughter.

I am shocked at your “friends” , how long have you known them ? Do they have their own dc ? Everyone knows that teenagers can be stroppy and sometimes manipulate, it’s common to fall out with parents. You are a single parent by the sound of it, where is her Dad ? Any good friend would be trying to help make the situation better, not taking your dds side against you. This might feel great for her right now but she won’t feel so good about it in the future.
An untidy house is hardly the crime of the century. Mine is often untidy and it’s really hard to keep on top of it when we are all at home.
Have they got any right to claim her benefit ? They sound really peculiar people.

If you receive child maintenance from her father, that will be to provide a bedroom etc for her …. Which no doubt she will return to.

as they have no parental responsibility they cannot have child benefit paid to them, surely. Time to seek free legal aid.

You locked her out and tried to ground a near adult, how in gods name did you think that would work, you are well past the age of grounding her,

so I’d also imagine there is another side to this and no you can’t keep the money

I rather suspect these friends will soon tire of your daughter, if she refuses to do as she's asked whilst staying with them. I'm sure she'll behave herself to start but will gradually revert back to what she's normally like. Technically, if your daughter is living with these friends, then the child benefit should be paid to them, as should any child maintenance. However, I wouldn't be in any hurry to transfer any claim to them but I do think you need to be giving them the money. Like it or not, these people are housing and feeding your daughter, so you need to be helping financially.

Perhaps with some space between you, might help improve the relationship with your daughter. Unfortunately, as your daughter is nearly 18, you can't force her to come home. I'd suggest to work on building bridges.

So would you prefer the OPs daughter to roaming the streets and sleeping in a doorway? Has the OP even told her daughter she is welcome to return home? Locking the door, hearing her return home in the middle of the night and not letting her in is not the action of a rational person. I am just relieved that this young girl has friends who are prepared to give her a bed and keep her safe. All the OP updates just reiterate how bad the relationship between mother and daughter is right now.

Sorry, I’m typing on a small phone screen. I will try to be better.

She was at a leading specialist music school, but got asked to leave because of her behaviour. She has been at college since GCSEs but her attendance and behaviour have been very poor.

I should add that she was locked out because she was being verbally and physically abusive towards me, and that I knew she was somewhere safe when I did this. It was meant to set a boundary, not a knee jerk reaction to an argument. I was very clear in what I said to her in the hours leading up to that happening.

I don’t think you’re under any obligation to transfer the benefits to them but as for the rest it is tricky to judge. There’s always two sides to every story and whist she may of been rude you locked the door and refused to let her back in. I understand the need to follow through with consequences but that particular one gave a very clear message that she wasn’t welcome back. I think you both need to take some time and try and build your relationship back up slowly.

What Do you mean you spoke to college ? You spoke to her college about rhe way she treats you??

How was she being physically abusive, she wasn’t even in your vicinity, in your op you said it was a WhatsApp argument as she wouldn’t come home when you told her to,

Well they have found out what's happened. They can see the online conversation between you and DD. They can see the state of your house. As well as whatever she's told them. I very much doubt they'd be calling it disgusting if it isn't, not when they're your friends.

The fact you sound stroppy speaks volumes. So I'd guess they're right in that there's some form of abusive behaviour involved. You're being neglectful if the house is bad. Yeh ok she wouldn't help clear up but is it actually mostly her mess? Because it's sounding more like a hoarding situation or a house that's got out of control due to health issues of some kind and I'm guessing it maybe can't actually be cleared up by you both in a couple of hours like a regular house could. So she's just refused to do it.

Not only have your friends given DD somewhere to stay (which solves the issue) but they've felt the need to report it to SS, which also says a lot about how bad they think things are.

I'm wondering if the vaping and energy drinks will stop now that DD has somewhere suitable to stay. It's the sort of thing people do to cope with difficult circumstances, I'd just be thankful it's not anything stronger.

I'd be glad your friends have stepped in and are willing to support her, not cross with them. Why is your primary consideration your own feelings and isn't concern for her welfare and grateful that she has somewhere safe to live? She's old enough to move out at 16+ so it's unreasonable of you to expect her to stay living at home forever.

She could do way worse for housemates than someone older, responsible and willing to act in loco parentis so DD can continue her education and isn't forced by circumstances into getting a job straight away.

Of course if she's living there full time they're entitled to her benefits. Those go to the person paying for her keep. It's ridiculous to think you could keep them, it's not money for your expenses, it's for hers. There's nothing to negotiate regarding that.

If you want to repair your relationship it's going to require you to act like the adult you are and accept that DD is now an adult too. If you can't treat her as an equal, you're going to lose her permanently.

You cannot force your daughter to come back to you.

arguably by locking the door to her you have seriously escalated the situation.

i’m sn ex teacher and this sort of thing is quite common. If she tells college etc that she is now living elsewhere she’s old enough to do that.

not sure about child benefit as haven’t been involved in those discussions.

I have to clean her pets (rabbits and Guinea pigs),

Tell the friends you'll be arranging have the rabbits and guinea pigs delivered to their house.

If you want to repair your relationship it's going to require you to act like the adult you are and accept that DD is now an adult too.

So will dd also act like the adult she is?

I can’t imagine you are entitled to child maintenance if she is no longer living with you. I’d imagine she can contact her dad/the cms and inform them of change of address.

@PoisedRosePanda not within days of a change. There’s no reason yet to believe she won’t up sticks and move home, or stay with a friend. This is all really new, and her mum signing all the benefit across suggests she’s washing her hands of her without even trying. Apart from anything else, perhaps the dad needs to be brought into the conversation.