Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

You could just ask me…

Yes, of course I told her she would be welcome home if she fixed her attitude. Also, I knew she would be able to return to our friends house. I would NEVER throw her out into the street.

She returned knowing full well the door would be locked, and one of my friends was giving her a lift, and was able to take her back to their house. It was not some dramatic and spontaneous irresponsible act on my part, and something I knew was drastic, but it was a calculated risk.

I’m sorry if this seems irrational to you, but I have so far given every bit of my time and energy to my daughter, I’ve brought her up single-handedly for the last 17 years, her father abandoned us, and I have managed to secure a great many opportunities in life and educationally for her which she has thrown back at me. She has been downright abusive over the last five years, and I have tolerated all of it until now.

Don’t judge til you e walked a mile in my shoes, please.

Why would you try to keep the money? That’s awful behaviour.

so you told her to come home, threatened to ground a near adult, locked her out thr house so she had to go back to your friends, called rhe college about her, have had social services involved due to the state of your home,had a text argument your friends will have seen and fhey also have seen rhe state of your house,

and now you’re saying she was physically abusing you so you locked her out, when it is clear that’s not possible she wasn’t even in your vicinity,

it does look like there maybe an issue here and the friends have taken her in for a reason and called child services for a reason,

Let the dust settle.
You know where she is and you know that she is safe.
You can both take some time to calm down.

She returned knowing full well the door would be locked, and one of my friends was giving her a lift, and was able to take her back to their house. It was not some dramatic and spontaneous irresponsible act on my part, and something I knew was drastic, but it was a calculated risk.

can you not understand why this is an unacceptable way to treat your child and your friends,?

Sorry, perhaps that wasn’t clear. I have not signed the benefits over. I do not want to. I am actively resisting this. I want my daughter home. My point is that I have been presented with a fait accompli without being consulted about it, and I am being asked to relinquish all responsibility and hand it over to my friends, which I am just aghast and devastated at. I have known them for at least eight years. We have supported each other, but not always seen eye to eye.

Dd’s father abandoned her when she was a baby. So no. He will not be informed. It seems as if my “friends” have said “You’ve now failed at parenting, so we are going to do it, and not even consult you first”.

Thats the point.

This sounds incredibly hard. Would you and your daughter consider a session of mediation to talk things through?

I understand you are angry and upset but i also think you will both need to do some work 'together' to mend the relationship.

Being untidy and rude is awful (I have a teenage son) but it does kind of go with the territory.

I get it Houndmother. It was a reply to a PP that said you should sign everything across right now.

At 17 you cannot make her return home.

if your/her friends are happy with it she can stay there and no official agency will make her return.

locking her out was very very unwise

I have no intention of keeping the money. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I will be paying every penny my daughter is due into her bank account. My “friends” are saying that they want to apply for it instead. They aren’t allowed to do this in law. It is my responsibility to pay her keep, and that is exactly what I will do.

And she absolutely was in my vicinity when she abused me. It happened before she even went out that day.

She has hit me in the past too…

It’s more than being untidy and rude. I’m a patient woman, but this time I just snapped.

Now I am confused about the money. If her father abandoned you when she was young, is he the person who is paying the child maintenance, or is it part of a Universal credit claim in your name? Either way if you keep the money and your daughter stays at the friends house, you could end up having to pay it back.

Your calculated risk clearly backfired . If I were your friends I would be very upset at making a late night car journey to return your daughter home, only to find that you would not allow your daughter to come in. So a completely wasted journey and I suspect a very upset daughter. You need to accept that this action has had a significant result and you need to own that as your responsibility. The friends would not have wasted their time driving to your house if they had believed that you were going to refuse entry. They would just have gone to bed.

Actually she can’t. Legally I am responsible to receive those payments. If she is staying somewhere else then I am legally required to contribute at least the value of those payments to the household she is in. Which is exactly what I will do. I will send them directly to her so she can access them…..

Ok so I used to be this teenager. I won’t go into all the ways I vexed my poor mother but… there were many and she was enemy number one even though I now see she was pretty reasonable and I was just a dick.
i was quite bright so i managed to drag myself through my a levels and go to a decent uni despite doing my level best to eff it up. But… everyone was pretty disappointed as they thought I probably should have been going to Oxbridge had I applied myself. Anyway all this to say, the only thing that would have gotten through to me at that time would have been my mum saying something along the lines of “I only want what is best for you, and although right now partying and messing about and being popular seem like the most important things in your world I can guarantee you’ll have the rest of your life to do those things but you have one year of school left to get the best grades you can to give yourself the most choices in life. That’s all I want for you.i therefore ask that you simmer down and lock in for the next 6-9’months then you can blow a gasket after that ”
I know she’s causing you grief but it sounds like what you really want from her is to make the best of her last year of school. I’d try not to get into a dramatic tryst with her cos you won’t win unless you can calm it down no matter how frustrating I know it must be!

ps she’s probs kicking off cos she’s worried and stressed deep down - I know that was why I did. Good luck!

I absolutely was this teenager too. But I was never this abusive to me parents. I never hit them. I never told the to go and fuck themselves for suggesting I might put the kettle on. I didn’t wilfully go against everything they asked me to do. (I rebelled a lot, but always showed just enough respect). I want the very best for my girl. I’ve gone above and beyond to provide it for her only to set fire to the apple cart once she has kicked it over….

Say a firm no to the benefits. She will soon be bounced back to you. Especially if she displays the same attitude to the people she is staying with.
It might do her good to learn that the world doesnt actually revolve around her

Thanks. I’ve kept college informed at all stages of this situation. They did not tell me I was wrong and agreed I was trying to (albeit drastically) set a boundary. In the past she has turned her phone tracker off despite being told I’d call the police if she did. Then was livid with me when I called the police because she went MIA and turned her tracker off!! My brother is a DSL in a school for disadvantaged kids and he completely gets where I am coming from.

Very gently, OP, your posts are very self-focused and self-serving. There isn’t much (if any) evidence of your ability to have empathy toward your DD, perspective take, or accept responsibility that you really made significant errors in judgement. You can paint it whatever way you want, but you essentially kicked your child out of the house. That (plus the condition of the house) are going to suggest to family friends that it isn’t suitable for your DD to live there for a while. It might be best for you to accept that you and DD need a break and this is a really good opportunity for you to sort the house out, and improve your mental health and parenting skills away from conflict. Keep your connection with your DD accepting that you are the adult. If you can’t stop yourself making negative comments or getting into arguments (as she probably will push your buttons), just do things like the movies and getting a quick bite to eat, where it’s low pressure!

It all sounds very upsetting. I wouldn't do anything for a while, see if the dust settles. I do think it was a grave error to lock her out though. If I had driven your daughter to your house and she was locked out I would be livid. And then I would have had to decide what to do with her. Again I would have been really put out.

You track her as well? No wonder your relationship is so poor.

The thing is your “friends” I use that erm loosely should have contacted you and discussed this and listened to your side of the story I’m amazed they haven’t.

Two sides of story: I have no idea what both sides are in your case.

Regarding child benefit… I think you should be handing it over for now, whilst your friends are looking after and providing for DD. I think you’re supposed to report any change in circumstances, But obviously teenagers often come and go between parents/grandparents etc so I think there is a little more leeway. Having said that, I’m pretty sure that after something like six or eight weeks of her living away, you may have to inform DWP. Someone else could certainly try and claim for her, which will flag up the fact that you are claiming for a child no longer living with you.

This!!

She seems to think she can do exactly as she pleases, with no consequences. I’m hoping her strength of character is something which stands her in good stead in the future, but by God it is currently ripping me apart right now…

Legally I must transfer the benefits from my account t to hers so she can access them and have the support. I will absolutely be doing this.

As soon as she is 18, she can take legal action against you if you try to track her without her consent. I think that even if she returns home, you need to accept that you can't keep controlling her life in the way you have for the past 17 years.

I totally agree with you.