Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

We share an app so we can find each other if we need to. Not sure how this is controlling, tbh… it’s actually very useful. I only needed to call the police the once when she’d gone defiantly MIA…

My cousins daughter is 13 and disappears over the park, harms herself, drinks alcohol, police bring her home and the social worker has told her that she cannot put a tracker on her phone as it’s illegal

Actually I can’t sign it over. What I can do is send it to my daughter’s bank account, which I absolutely will be doing. That’s what it advises on the govt website…

What benefits do you get for her, op? The 27£ child benefit or the uc child payment?

First things first - these people aren't your friends. They are revelling in seeing your daughter struggle. Is it just the two of you?

She was at a gifted programme? They were jealous and want their kids to do better than her, simple

I would take the abuse from the former friends and stand firm. Tell them that unfortunately, you won't be handing over the child element of the uc (assuming youre on it). Do things properly, tell them what's happened. If she's 17, surely there's about 10 months left? Her child benefit will also be staying with you.

Dont go back and forth with your child. Tell her how things are. That she's fucking up her future and that these people dont want the best for her. But youre here if she wants to come home. And that this is the last message you will send her.

She knows you have noone and is happy taking advantage of that. Let her see the error of her ways and how hurtful she's being.

Youre still her mum but you don't need to put up with that shit.

All the best op. Stay strong and leave her to it. Hire an end of tenancy clean for your home as well, now that its presumably just you there - treat yourself.

🩷

Apologies, I've made a few assumptions. But your op has really struck me, you clearly love her and are going through it. Cut contact with these friends at once! And as I said, leave your daughter one last clear message telling her what's happening. And then leave her to it, and be there 100% if she wants to come home and be better.

Nasty friends of yours.

It is not controlling if she has consented to it. At age 18 she can withdraw that consent and you will not be able to do anything about it. If you keep reporting her to the police and each time she is found safe and well they will eventually get fed up with you wasting their time. I would suggest you deactivate it now .

reading between the lines, you are on the radar of SS, your house is messy, you didn’t allow her to return home when she came back (by locking the door) and you admit your MH is poor

I don’t think she’s been brought up in an entirely nurturing environment. It all sounds chaotic and I’d venture that you’re reaping what you’ve sowed a little

The maintenance legally has to come to me, and will continue to do so until she leaves college. Private individuals cannot enter into agreement about it. It’s in the CMS rules as far as I know. It’s more a case of how to get my friends to listen to me. Which they’re not doing.

To be honest, I'd just message them saying "thanks for supporting DD" and leave them to it. She will probably come back sooner than later, but if she doesn't, she will be looked after. There's no point arguing about the details of (for example) how clean your house is as it's literally irrelevant.

I didn’t say anything about signing it over, I said handing it over.

Enjoy some well earned time for yourself.

Use it to clean and sort the house out - often with MH issues doing a good sort out,clean, tidy etc helps a lot

Make sure the friends come and get her pets - they can look after those as well as they are such "angels"

One, I didn’t kick her out. I locked her out while she had a think about her attitude.

Two, I have no intention of keeping her money, just control over it so I can continue to ensure she is provided for, as I will be legally obliged to pay at least its value if not more into her bank account, or to the household in which she is staying.

I have investments for her too, which will need to reach her. I can’t just hand it all over to private individuals she happens to be staying with for now…

You don't sound like your 'soul has been ripped out' you sound angry, overbearing and heavy handed and it doesn't work with people who are as you said 'nearly 18'.
I'm sure she's not perfect either, but it doesn't sound like the easiest of upbringings, with an absent father, mother with MH issues and social services involvement.
Take a big step back, let things calm down for both of you and ask to meet on neutral ground and talk.

can you explain how a stranger starts to get your child benefit and maintenance since I have never heard of this

My thoughts exactly.

OP maybe this is a good time to reflect, be grateful your daughter is somewhere she is safe and happy and will have to behave well, and start to think about how you can slowly rebuild your relationship with her over time… Hopefully everyone in the situation will apologise for their own shortcomings in the interest of healing…

Absolutely don't hand any money to anyone. Visit her college and their social bla bla whatever named person is. Ask their advice

I would be careful. The couple who have taken your dayghter in could contact CMS and notify them that your daughter is no longer living with you. Also notify whoever issues Child Benefit and again notify them that your daughter is no longer living with you. Then you will get investigated for claims that are invalid. You may be able to prove that you have done nothing wrong but there will be phone calls, emails and possibly the money will stop while they investigate. In your shoes I would be notifying the relevant government departments on Monday morning so they can't say you failed to notify thrm if a change in circumstances.

You are wrong about the CB and maintenance. They are supposed to go to the person caring for her, and that is not you at the moment. Also why are you transferring them to her? Surely she could just use them to vape and party.

Do you also get the child element of UC for her?

What kind of MH difficulties do you have> Living with a mum with MH difficulties can be a huge pressure on a child. Has she had any support in dealing with that i.e. young carers?

Firstly I know this is stressful and it's awful when your child won't speak to you but for both your sakes you need to take a step back the now. Your daughter sounds unhappy and I think it's important that at some point you find out why - it sounds like she doesn't enjoy college to begin with. It also sounds, and I may be wrong, that you treat her younger than she is, for example, threatening to ground her - she is 17, you cannot stop a 17 year old from leaving the house. It sounds like you dont allow her the freedom she should have at her age and you try to control it, for example locking her out the house. I know you may not want to hear this but this may be for the best for both of yous as it sounds like the relationship yous have living together is impacting on the mental health of you both. My advice would be to step back for now by telling her you are going to give her and you a bit of space right now. Try to have a think of where the issues lie and what can be done about it to make it a happier and more peaceful household for the both of you. It may be that living togther doesn't work, that it is a clash, and in those circumstances the only way forward is for her to live elsewhere. In regards to finances, the only people who can claim child benefit is those with parental rights.

Locking a teenage daughter out of the house is a massive abuse of trust and is the complete opposite of what a parent should do. She needs to live elsewhere while you both rebuild your relationship through therapy when she’s ready. I think you should admit that you made the wrong call on locking her out at night - most people wouldn’t even treat their pets like that let alone their children.

This has been going on for five years?? And you've already had social services involved? What other help have you sought for your daughter in that time?

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation @Houndmother75

I’m don’t think anyone else has asked this question: Is there any possibility that your DD has suffered abuse at the specialist music school in the past? Unfortunately, some of these institutions are known to have major problems with bullying and worse. It would certainly account for DD’s sudden change in attitude and behaviour.

If the OP had written about this level of persistent abuse being committed by her partner, we would have been up in arms and delighted that she had locked the door on the bastard.

@Houndmother75 hi i speak as a mother of a thirty five year old daughter. Who is just fine now. But we had a very bumpy patch around sixteen or seventeen.

it seems to me that one issue is for her an absent farther, they are important to daughters, my DH and daughter are close now.

that cannot be resolved but perhaps needs to be acknowledged by you.

The other issue is you have, for the best intentions, become quite controlling to a seventeen near eighteen year old, who naturally rebels as they prepare themselves for adulthood and flying the nest.

Her violence towards you (something i have seen within my wider family) is an expression of her fight for some autonomy.

and the right to make stupid decisions.

I think you both need a little time apart. Please get help, maybe family counselling to try and re negotiate your relationship, i think relate may be worth contacting.

As the actual adult in this relationship you are going to have to climb down. Don't beg or anything, i am sure that your daughter loves you underneath, and needs you to show that and hear her out.

Your feelings in this situation are valid, but you need to give her the space to find out what is going on for her. Which should not involve you and your feelings, you are the grown up.

Sure have rules but make them reasonable and accept that if your house is messy you cannot demand she be tidy for example.

good luck

Id text her and tell her 6 love her. The door is open when she wants to come back. Moving forward you want a
respectful adult relationship with her which means you w9rk together as a team and talk to each other politely. Also, if she wants to stay with the family friends thats fine but you'd like to catch up and have lunch to clear the air.

I mean I have (and always have had) an incredible relationship with my parents and I moved out at 17. Most of my friends moved out between 17-19. Feels like it’s a good move for you both since you aren’t getting along and might even help your relationship in the future