Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

Precisely this! I told her she was locked out, not thrown out, and it is all in WhatsApp messages, of which I have screenshots. I explained very rationally in those messages what precipitated my action, and that she was welcome back if she could mend her attitude towards me, the (her) pets, and the house. And her college obligations.

Whats so galling is that I appear to have been sacked as a parent in favour of my so called friends. I understand they were going out today to buy her a bed! God alone knows what’s been said…

Sorry op, but I am back to saying stand firm. They're bullying you and you going begging is only entertaining them.

Tell your daughter the facts, you'll be there when she wants to come home.

As you said, youre trying to improve your place. But op, 'not that bad' is bad by people who don't have MH problems

Youre on your own with no family it seems. People won't cut you slack. You have to keep your place as clean as possible.

You dont need loads of nice stuff, just clean plain walls and clear carpets with everything tidied away.

I would never judge, I have mh stuff and my mother did.

But this one you won't win, you need to get it completely spotless. As its just you, use the same plates and cutlery, and dont move things out of their place and it should stay perfect

Kindly, I am saying this. I am on my own with dd and I can just imagine what you've been through xx

I’m really not sure how you could possibly have reached that conclusion? I absolutely do NOT blame her. I’ve given her everything, and willingly. Nowhere do I say I blame her….

Having worked with various mh problems over the years and seeing the destruction in a family in a lot with certain ones I feel very much for this young lass. I would imagine her side of the story will be very very different. Many turn there child into a care giver without them realising until there old enough. Many will make harsh angry arguments for nothing, either live in extremes of dirt or being super pristine. Locking someone out so late is not normal behaviour you can't assume she wasn't walking so late home or assume she would get a bed anywhere else. Sadly a lot of things are not normal here and haven't been for years. You mention an awful lot about all the abuse you've taken and I can absolutely know it won't have been one sided sadly. But a large part of mh problems is to deflect into someone else. Hope you get the help you need and I hope your daughter finds some stability somewhere at last. Legally you don't have to hand any monies over, morally the right thing would be to give a small amount for daughter and the rest to pay board, it's what I would do in this situation. Not sure why you feel the need to interfere in college, she is adult now and doesn't need you calling or tracking her either.

Thank you. It’s a bit rich they’re saying this because they too have had their MH struggles and I honestly thought they understood. Anyway. I fully intend to stand firm. I know I’m being bullied but I am not going to stand for it.

See how much she hands over - that will be interesting!

@Houndmother75 it sounds like she has told a big tale of woe to these ‘friends’ and they have fallen for it. Though they sound awful for not checking their facts. Do you know them well? I’m not sure if you said they contacted social services, or you did … but to be honest I think you are best to just back off and leave them and DD to it. Send them a letter stating you will be sending the money to your daughter but not signing it over to them. I would also document all of DD’s behaviour while it is fresh in your mind.

Good chance she will be be back, but you should still stand firm because she cannot return and carry on her abusive - and it IS abusive - behaviour.

It’s not a leap, OP: it’s there in the first sentence of your second paragraph. My point is that if you have expressed the sentiment in that sentence to your daughter she may feel you resent her. It’s just something to consider. If you can try to understand how she’s feeling then you’ll presumably be on the right track for a resolution. At the moment you seem to be feeling a lot of feelings yourself but there’s limited insight into what your daughter is feeling. If you can consider this without defensiveness it might be helpful to you.

These family "friends" sound awful. I know exactly what my mum's friends would have done and said if I'd said rude stuff about her.
And I don't get why a 17 year old is considered too old for social services to deal with, when my 17 y/o niece was told by her tutor that she couldn't get off the bus at a non scheduled stop after a school trip. Her tutor was apparently apologetic, but said it was safeguarding as she is technically a child. So she can't get off at a different stop, but if she wants to move in with a man and woman she's not related to, against her parents' will, that's ok?

I know that. I’m not saying I want them for me!!!

Legally I am the one who should be receiving them, I then have to transfer them to her, which is what I want to do….

It’s f-ing barmy, isn’t it?

Ok. But you can’t claim them to transfer to her. You’d no longer be entitled

Hi op. Let her go. Let her stay wherever she is safe. Don’t feel like you have to justify yourself to your friends. It is ok to let a child who is nearly an adult find their way if you are funding her what she is legally owed. Drop this rope for now, message her to say you love her but her behaviour needs to change if she wants to return home. If she wants to discuss returning to the family home tell her that you would welcome meeting her to talk about what this would look like moving forward. Sometimes people, even children of this age, when digging themselves into a hole need to fall into it before they realise that no one else will accept their shitty behaviour, and that is their choice as to how they behave. Keep calm. All conversation via text wherever possible. Don’t react emotionally if you can manage it. Just reiterate that you love her, but not her behaviour needs best of luck.

As other posters have said at least she is in safe place with friends. Rather than transferring the child benefit you could set-up a Direct Debit so it goes from your account each month to your DD bank account at least she will be able to get the benefit of it then. Hopefully in time your relationship will improve but 17 is a difficult age and young people don't turn into adults overnight when they turn 18... you have to start giving them some responsibility before then. I do think it was bit mean of you to lock the door on her though.

Thank you! Someone who gets it!! It’s just crazy and should not be at this stage.

That’s absolutely terrible. How dare they? I think it’s worth commending you that you’ve recognised your MH difficulties and previously been supported by SS so you've a track record of being open and receptive to supports and interventions. So yes, I can see how it feels like a ‘you’re fired’ moment which removes so much autonomy from you.

Actually, I am. As long as I transfer them for her upkeep.

Child benefit maybe. If you claim UC no.

Yes i agree we aren’t getting the full story at all. I used to work in social services and we used to hear stories all the time from the parents then when we investigated there was so much more.

By OPs own admission there’s been social services involvement. So things were quite bad at one point.

I think her friends have pre-existing concerns regarding OP and that’s why they’ve been so quick to take her daughter in. That’s actually very kind of them and they should be applauded for it. Better that than her out on the streets or staying with some boy.

Yup….

Well, three weeks isn't very long either. It could be she's soon back and the relationship is improved after taking a break. Maybe she'll return a bit more mature too, who knows.

Yes, the UC stops. But the child maintenance doesn’t. I’m going to call Citizens Advice and the benefits folk on Monday. I’ve told my friends as much.

That’s not what you initially said. You locked her out because she refused to return by the time you set for her.

Your relationship sounds chaotic, your house sounds unpleasant to be in, if she is safe and well cared for where she is, isn’t that better? You can choose to make sure your friends are compensated for looking after her, or you can decide she is on her own and is their problem, it’s entirely up to you.

There’s obviously so much to unpick here but the bottom line is that she will soon be an adult. She has moved out, you know where she is, and she’ll maybe be in a better mindset to complete her A levels. Pass on to her any money that you feel is rightfully hers. It will be up to her to negotiate with those she’s living with.
I would communicate to her that you’re available and that you miss her and wish her only the best.
Use this time to make your own environment more pleasant for you. Hopefully going forward contact will improve.
It will be difficult I’m sure for you to drop the rein, no more contact with college etc. I would keep communicating with DD and less so with your friends.

I absolutely do need to pay for her keep, and to the exact sum that I receive for it. Which I will do. But if I no longer have recourse to those payments so I can send them to her, it’s going to be pretty bloody messy if she comes back and everything has to be re-administrated. I’m taking advice on Monday.