Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

I have longstanding mental health issues, but the social intervened a few years ago and facilitated support.

This is very significant.

I’m sorry you’re suffering with your mental health OP, I really do empathise and I hope you’re continuing to receive support.

However, being a child growing up with a parent with mental health issues is traumatic and often leads to a dysfunctional relationship.

I’m sorry how things have turned out. Give your daughter space, don’t engage with these “friends” who are demanding money and benefits and hopefully she returns home when she is ready.

It does sound like you both need more support or perhaps therapy.

I think as the parent you need to arrange to sit down with the ‘friends’ to discuss the inappropriateness of their plan. It’s clear your relationship with your daughter is troubled but they can’t just decide to become de facto parents and dismiss you from your role. Have you a sibling or close friend to bring with you to a meeting?

How did you manage to lock her out? Does she not have a key to her own home?

Okay, deep breaths and a cup of tea first, mama.

Now, let's step back and look at this from a little bit of distance.

Daughter is nearly 18. You and she have not gotten along for some time. Many mothers and teen daughters don't.

Let's just guesstimate that the problems are partly your fault, partly her fault and partly nobody's fault but just circumstances.

I'm sure there were plenty of positives in there too, even if neither of you can remember them at the moment.

The friends are also making mistakes here, in my opinion. They are supporting your daughter, which I'm sure you appreciate. I'm sure you know she could turn to someone much worse for support. However, they are also intruding where they have no business being and taking sides based on what is by definition incomplete information.

So, that's where we're at. Everybody involved is partly right and partly wrong, correct? (We won't even discuss the deadbeat dad, though of course he deserves a gigantic helping of blame for this whole situation).

Now, what to do?

I suggest letting her go, with love. Not much point fighting it when even the authorities are coming back with "Well, she IS nearly eighteen." Okay, solved for now?

I'd say do not hand control of the finances over to the family friends. They can demand all they want, they're not running the show. Instead, do what you said, transfer money to her account as appropriate. If the authorities tell you to hand it over, then and only then do you hand it over. Solved for now also?

I have an online friend who was just hit with something like this, though her daughter is younger, 14 or 15 and the father is in the picture. Mother and daughter got into an argument. Mom put her foot down and said something like, my house, my rules. You WILL clean your bedroom or you'll be spending the entire summer with your father. Obviously, Mother was at her breaking point and fed up with the sass. Instead of cleaning her room, Daughter called her father to come get her, then refused to return home. Instead of supporting his ex-wife and reigning in the child, Father ran straight to his attorney and filed for custody. It was granted.

A few months of ugliness went by but then there was a lovely turn of events. Now teenage girl regularly visits mother and stays over sometimes. The longstanding mother- teen daughter warfare is over and the two of them are practically besties. Mother has a cute new boyfriend and a puppy and seems happier than she's been in a long time.

I could actually see this ending well too, where the two of you get along better than you have in years. I would just let her go if she wants to go. And let her come home if she wants to come home. Be calm, polite and nice to all concerned. Refuse to argue or re-hash who did what to who.

And, I'd speak to your daughter directly, not to the friends. If "almost eighteen" is old enough that you aren't allowed to control her, then it's old enough for her to be dealt with directly. The friends are overstepping and need to be treated according to their rightful place, not the place they incorrectly presume to hold.

But I'd be sure not to fight with the friends or badmouth them, because then you're helping to set up a tug-of-war situation. The friends aren't important and remember, they don't know what they are talking about. It's quite likely they'll get enough of her teen-attitude soon, when the newness wears of and they are the ones it's directed at. (And then you are permitted to silently howl with laughter haha). In the meantime, consider your new freedom. Enjoy your new freedom. It's all going to be okay. Best wishes.

Thanks for that. I’ll just say, she has had everything I’ve been able to give her, at the expense of myself. And more. I managed to raise her so well, single-handedly I might add, that she was a pupil for nearly a decade at a top flight music school. I provided all the love, support, grounding, extra curricular stuff, social life and enrichment I could. I have given her all my time, money and love. I’m not sure I could actually have done more. Obviously I’m not perfect, and I have made mistakes. Show me a parent who hasn’t.

My MH is poor because I have struggled on my own for the best part of two decades to provide a secure and loving home for her and fight her corner. It is poor because I suffered at the hands of her father who was financially controlling, psychologically abusive, and physically violent. It is poor because has kept us financially very poor, causing me to have to fight every step of the way to keep a roof above us. He has had no contact with her since she was two. Has refused all but the basic support despite solicitor and court involvement. I’ve been so strung out dealing with it all that I’ve had at least three breakdowns in the last 15 years.

I was on the radar of SS because of MH stuff, and they were quite happy to let her stay here despite intermittent mess, and I have had support with this. I had to go through all their hoops, which I did. Once you’re on the radar you don’t escape though. I’ve been deemed by them a fit parent (whoopie-do!!)

At 17, I used to cook sometimes, was good at washing up, kept my room clean, did my washing and ironing. I had to study and have a part time job. I got myself to university. I didn’t like it at home, but I never tried it on the way my DD has been doing of late. She does know how to do all this stuff, she just defiantly refuses to do so. And won’t help at all around the house.

Im not sure how DD and I got to this, but here we are.

If you have CMS involved then report that you are no longer primary carer. That way you are complying with their rules. Once the case has closed then your friends can then apply to open a case against the 'paying parent'. Do not just transfer anyone any money . Regarding Child Benefit, give them a call and get their advice. If they advise you to close the claim then do it. If your friends want child benefit then they can apply for it.

What a pathetic comment.

This is a 17 year old girl who has grown up experiencing her mothers “longstanding mental health” issues.

Why the fuck would you compare a 17yo troubled teenager to a grown ass abusive man?

Quite the little short story you have invented there

I know, i accept that I've made some assumptions, but I do feel for the op. We dont know the full story though, I accept

For me, if i thought a child was in danger so badly, I wouldn't be asking the mum for money and would at least speak to the mum myself

Could you transfer the benefit to your daughter, then she has the responsibility of having to pay them herself as a lodger? Maybe it will teach her some life skills.

It would be interesting to hear the other side of this story, I suspect it would sound quite different.

Following your latest post, op

Focus on getting the home clean and tidy. Honestly, you'll feel loads better.

I won't judge you, but try your best x

I’ve tried that but just been told I have no authority. I suggested paying her maintenance etc to them/her, I was told they want autonomy with that. I said I want to be kept informed of her progress at college and have a say in things. I was told I have no authority in that either. I haven’t been controlling her, I’ve actually been extremely compromising over the years.

I tried contacting them while DD has been staying with them, to find out what is happening. I’ve been kept at a distance. I did meet with them and DD earlier this week, when I was informed of these plans. DD has blocked all contact with me since she told me she was not coming home nearly three weeks ago, and that she’d had enough of me.

I met with one of the friends yesterday, I had someone with me to help mediate, and I was literally steamrolled and told how things are going to be. It’s literally like they’ve said I am no longer allowed any say in matters, and I have to hand over all responsibility to them.

Ive tried contacting DD but I am blocked. I’ve spoken to college safeguarding so they are aware of all this, and also to her college tutor. Handed over to them to help support her. They think it’s odd too.

It really does feel like I’ve been sacked!

How long have the family friends been in both of your lives? Be super careful with communication and do not put anything in writing you may later regret.

I think it would be best to send a written apology directly to your daughter. Despite how you may feel. Make it clear that never again would she be locked out and that she is welcome home anytime.

Has the change in behaviour been due to anything that may well have happened that you are possibly unaware of. Teenagers often bottle things up and then lash out. Teenagers also often feel uncomfortable confiding in parents.
That's why keeping some communication with your daughter so she knows you are worried about her and want her home would be good first steps.

It’s honestly not that bad. People have been in since and said it’s not that bad. Just for good measure, I’ve started giving everything a new coat of paint, shampooing carpets etc etc, I’ve given loads of stuff away to others more in need.

I might have shite MH which prevents me from doing much at all for periods of time, but that should never ever be a stick with which to beat me!

That’s what I’m suggesting. I’m going to call the benefits folk and HMRC on Monday and ask them what is best.

I'm sorry its come to this.
If what you've said is true then her true colours will start to show through with the so called friends she's staying with.
You have not 'trown her out' you merely told her that the door would be locked that night (unless you're not giving the whole story here?)
If you haven't put it in writing to her that you've asked her to leave permanently then you absolutely DO NOT entertain any suggestions of transferring benefits etc as trust me, when she comes crawling back (and she will) you do not want to have to try and sort out a tangled mess with DWP I can assure you!
Give her a week or so and ask to meet up to see how you can both find a way to navigate through this difficult patch together. It has to be a two way street though, no letting her rule the roost or treat your house like a hotel with room service anymore!

You cant ground a 17 yr old OP and shouldn't have locked her out.

Tbh having left home at 16 I'd hazard a guess that her story will be interesting to hear.

You don't do anything. You give the people who are caring for her the money you get for her for her keep and try to foster a new relationship with her. She isn't a little girl anymore. She has to forge her own path.

This might be for the best in the long term.

If she is happy at the family friends she'll probably do better in her A-Levels which will help her future.
Reach out and ask if she wants or needs anything from home, clothes, school stuff etc. You could send a tesco gift card to the family to pay for food and toiletries for her.

After a little while offer to meet in a local cafe or such to chat, no pressure. And slowly build your relationship back up.

Of course she may continue to act out and the friends may end up kicking her out so you must let her know you love her and would welcome her home.

She has blocked all contact with me. We’ve known the family friends for around eight years. I don’t honestly know what might have precipitated all this.

I can try to email her, or else drop a letter off to the college safeguarding folk. I know she wants the rest of her stuff (she did return a couple of weeks ago when I was out and got some of it) so maybe I could put it in with that. But she might just chuck it out.

It’s her 18th in 10 days time. It doesn’t look like I will be part of that at the moment. I’m going to get her a keepsake gift, like a special necklace or something, and draw her a card (I am an artist of sorts). I could either try to get it to her or else keep hold of it so that I can give it to her in person at some stage if I can’t get it to her for her actual birthday.

If your daughter is no longer living with you then the benefits aren’t yours to keep claiming ? The friends can try and claim child benefit if your daughter is residing with them and they can prove they supporting her to the equivalent of child benefit. You’d also no longer be able to claim child element of UC

If it were me, I think I'd:
Make sure the house it spotless in case anyone official comes calling.
Save a full copy of the messages between you and your daughter and also those with the friends.
Text them all that you love your daughter and that she's welcome to come and talk, then be silent.
Check in with college fairly regularly and see if they can offer counselling or other support to your daughter as you fear she is in crisis and might leave.
Try and enjoy some peace and know that she'll come back to you in time.

My only experience in this is leaving home at 16. I struggled at college but I'm not sure which came first and which was the reaction. My heart ached and I was back in a few months.

To be fair, let's also not forget that single motherhood is damn hard. I think most kids do push the limits when they hit their teen years, regardless of what else is going on. I could not believe how my sweet kids started turning on me at that age, one by one. But my husband stepped in loud and clear with each one and that was the end of that. He didn't even have to hit them, just roared at them to remind them of who was boss and that it sure wasn't them. I am no meek mouse but still, I don't know where it would have led if it wasn't for him.

Well she is safe enough at friends house. Let it blow over, but don't transfer funds yet - if at all!
(((hugs)))

Your second paragraph gave me pause, OP. Are you in the habit of blaming your daughter for your mental health challenges? Do you think it’s possible she feels resented?