Siblings don't get on, home life is becoming unbearable.

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single parent to three children aged 9, 13 and 15. The older two have often struggled to get on (the eldest has been so jealous since his sister was born and this has never really changed), but it is getting worse and worse now.

DD13 is struggling with life at the moment (severe anxiety, meltdowns, school refusal, suspected autism which she is awaiting an assessment for and she has just been referred to CAMHS), she screams and shouts when something unsettles her and takes over everything at home. Her anxiety was very manageable when she was at primary school and she was very quiet then, but starting secondary school 2 years ago seems to have been the catalyst for a lot of her problems.

.DS15 can not cope with how she is, he asks why she isn't normal, he's so angry with her that he goes out of his way to try to annoy her , making horrible comments to her, and again she immediately has a meltdown or starts screaming. My youngest is very calm, gets on with both his brother and sister, but it is affecting him quite badly now too.

We've recently moved (the family home had to be sold after their dad and I divorced) and we don't have a so much space so the kids can't really get away from each other easily when they are fed up (luckily they do have a bedroom each). I'm having to keep all the windows and doors shut in this heat because I don't want the neighbours hearing the constant arguing between them and my daughter screaming and shouting.

It's becoming unbearable now. The second DD walks in to the room DS is making nasty comments to her and glaring at her. She then reacts and the whole thing starts again. We have no fun in our house anymore, we can't watch a TV show/film or play a board game without it descending in to arguements/shouting etc. This first week of the summer holidays has been awful, I'm dreading the rest of it. I don't have the money for a holiday or many trips out for them so they are stuck at home a lot. Their dad only has them 24hours a fortnight so there is no respite at home and he is only having them 2 days extra over the summer holidays. The kids relationship with him had been very up and down in recent years.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope with it all any more. I work full time and am exhausted, I have taken on a bigger mortgage than I probably should have so have no spare money for fun family outings or holidays. I end up in tears most nights before bed, it feels like survival rather than living at the moment. DS will have his GCSEs next year so calm at home is so important but I just can't see a way to achieve that (DS used to work very hard but has almost given up with school work this last year I think because of how stressed he is with home life).

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for, just ways to help keep things calmer at home. I know DD and DS may never get on as you don't choose your family and they aren't always people you get on with. Any advise of how to find time for everyone equally without ending up burnout myself would be great, as at the moment it feels like DD dominates my time at the expense of her brothers. I could really do with more time to help eldest DS with school work this year but it's a real struggle. I can't drop any hours at work unfortunately, I would like to finish earlier so that I could have extra time at home to help him but I can't afford to drop hours right now.

Do you discipline eldest when he behaves like that. ? I’d take his phone off him.
in terms of days out, I know it’s difficult with limited money especially for teens but free museums? Beach? Country walk ? Youth clubs often run free activities

Have you spoken to school? Sounds like your son in particular could do with some mental health support (look up place to be online, lots of schools have this available) I know a referral to CAMHS won't be feasible for him in terms of waiting lists, but might the GP be able to offer support?

I take it the dad is useless and that's why such a few contact hours?

I'd honestly sit them both down and explain to them how its making you feel- and the impact their behaviour is having on the whole house. Explain they don't have to be friends, but they do need to be civil (and be crystal clear precisely what that looks like to you) IME teenagers are totally thoughtless but when their behaviour is pointed out they will try to please.

OP I'm sorry you're all going through this, I am in a similar position so I know how relentless and claustrophobic it feels.

Can you speak to their Dad and explain how difficult things are and ask if he can have one of them to give everyone a break? I know this might not be an option as I'm guessing there is a reason he has them so little and the kids don't have a great relationship. Do you have other family who could help?

Could you go to the GP and ask to be referred to a family link worker. I had an amazing family therapist for a couple of years, however, eldest wouldn't engage at all. Maybe yours will and this could really help.

I would start telling family and the GP what is going on and that you need some support.

I know what it's like to have no support network, it has such a profound impact on your health, please do what you can to look after yourself.

How involved is Dad? Is one moving in there an option?

you say DD takes up a lot of the time does DS get any 1-1 time with either parent?

He'll get his laptop taken away or no TV time (he's not overly bothered about his phone), when DD is screaming and being rude she loses her phone.

I've looked for activities for eldest DS but there was nothing at our local youth club for his age that he liked the sound of, he doesn't play sports so no clubs like that he will go to. He did go fishing quite a bit last summer but the youth group that ran those sessions isn't doing it this year unfortunately. DS9 is out and about quite a lot this holiday as he loves sports and the local football club has kids sessions on each day (which were free for him as he is in receipt of free school meals) do at least he is having a break from everything.

Walks and museum trips have not been very successful recently but I've told the kids I will be dragging them out for some walks & taking a picnic with us.

It’s an awkward age at the best of time for them both however in fairness to your eldest - anxiety meltdowns and screaming would get on my nerves too and I can see why he then vehemently dislikes her. Your eldest needs disciplining for being horrid to his sister but at the same time her mental illness issues shouldn’t excuse poor behaviour and making everyone else in the home miserable

Have you read “how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk” and the follow on books “siblings without rivalry”. They could help you address what is going on underneath the obvious.

This sounds like a right boiling pot.

Is there scope for the 15yo to be physically apart from the 13 yo ? As in stay in their rooms all day if they can't get along?

It reads a bit like 13yo is ruling the roost with her behaviour and 15yo has had enough.

I would insist that DS15 lived with his father. He is old enough to control his emotional behaviour towards his sister who is traversing uncertainty and diagnosis.

I would not accept DS15 chiding his sister for a second.

Then the space will cater better for your two younger children.

Acivities for 15 year olds ..
Preread all English novels, take charge of the garden and grow something edible, learn to do their own washing, cook one meal each day, find a part time job, take youngest to the museum, volunteer in local sustainable enviromental group that oversees waterways, birds etc.

Your ex needs to step up. It is crisis time for DD13. You and your ex need to put the kids first for another ten years.

I'd say that the obvious short term answer would be for DS1 to stay with his dad for a week at a time to diffuse the situation. Contact your GP for help for your DD2. Perhaps getting them out more would help, less screen time. Swimming? Taking them somewhere where they would have to map read? Cooking dinner? Getting their dad to step up. This does sound like a struggle for you all, tackle one thing at a time.

I think you need to continue discipline for all who are disruptive and unkind, but also try to find a way where you can have one on one time with each of the children. That would give them a bit of breathing space, remind them that they’re all important, but also allow more space for discussion with them about how their actions impact others. Appreciate that’s so much easier said than done though in a situation like yours with so little support. As a starting point could you get the younger 2 to bed and then tell the 15 year old he can stay up with you for a few hours, to watch a film or something like that?

No I haven't, I'll have a look for them on Amazon in a minute

Look into applying for dla for your dd. You don’t need a diagnosis to claim, just evidence of having additional support needs - which she does. You can supply evidence of her being on the pathway for CAMHS and autism diagnosis. Google the cerebra dla guide for help on filling the forms in. I know money isn’t the magic wand to solve everything but it sounds like having some extra could take the pressure off. If you do get dla you can claim carers allowance depending on your earnings and even if your earnings are too high for that you may be able to claim the disability element on universal credit and the carers element on there (you don’t need to claim carers allowance to do this). The earnings threshold for these are very high - my dh works full time in a relatively highly paid role and we still get them for Ds aged 14 who has autism and additional needs.

It absolutely feels as though DD is ruling the roost at the moment. She wants constant attention and her behaviour does get on everyone's nerves as @usererror99 says.

@Sparrowsandbudgies I had wondered whether she would be eligible for DLA. Her needs have really increased over the last year or so, she won't go anywhere on her own now, I had to buy a house by the school as we tried living further out but she couldn't cope with the bus and travelling on her own. She won't even walk around the house on her own most of the time as her anxiety is so bad she wants someone to check each room is ok and nothing bad in there before she will go in, it's exhausting.

@Tel12 and @user1492757084 ex is unlikely to step up unfortunately. This is how he had always been, when we were together I had to take the kids out all weekend so he could rest and that what he still likes to do now. Just have the kids for a few hours and a night (DD doesn't usually stay overnight as she hates being away from home) then he drops them back the next morning.

My mum had offered to have DS to stay for a bit over the summer to give everyone a bit of a break, he'll enjoy it and it will be good for her to have some company so I plan for him to go and stay with her for a week.

I really feel for your 15 year old. It is very hard on him and he does not deserve to be disciplined or punished when he is already struggling with his sister’s behaviour, which does sound very difficult. Talk to him about how winding her up makes things worse, but I really think you should focus on ways to help him cope. Can you look up young carers support in your area. If your daughter has special needs then he would qualify and in our area at least they run lots of free activities over the summer. They might also be able to advise on how to deal with things at home.

@Heretohelp1111 I think 1 to 1 time with each of them would be as good idea.

I try to sit with DS in the evening when the others are in bed and just chat and watch TV together but it takes hours to get DD to bed (she has a very long drawn out bedtime routine that is she does it 'wrong' will start the whole process again, and will often be shouting/crying that she doesn't feel well or is worried about dying) so by the time she is asleep I'm usually falling asleep within minutes of sitting down with DS.

Is there Young Carers in your area. Your eldest and youngest would probably qualify for this. This would give them an outlet as there are social groups and outings.

I was the older child in this situation growing up. My younger sister She ruled the house with her tantrums, screaming matches and volatility. She would provoke me to get a reaction and I would be punished. Home was a battlefield and I left as soon as possible. It felt incredibly unfair and I still feel resentment that I was told to ignore her and that I should know what she’s like. Your eldest seems to feel resentment and unfairness too, punishment feels unfair when he feels at the end of limits. Please be compassionate with him, in his situation it must feel frustrating having to deal with his sister behaving like this, whether she can help it or not the outcome is the same.

have you considered giving your daughter SSRIs for her anxiety- quite frankly it is ott that she needs you to check on rooms in the house before she will go in

It sounds as though your DD has developed OCD as well. The issue with anxiety is that the more the causes are avoided the more the anxiety ramps up.

He has never been great with his sister but I do feel that his current behaviour towards her is a reflection of how much he is struggling to cope with her behaviour. I'll look into young carers, is that something he would need to be referred to from say the school or can I just get in touch with them for him?

I think she does need something to help her with her anxiety/moods. I'm going to take her to the GP when I can get an appointment to discuss things as her kids and behaviour are getting worse.

Ex doesn't appreciate how bad she is and says he will not allow her to be prescribed anything as he doesn't believe in meds for kids mental health issues (despite him having been on antidepressants for years). He says as he has parental responsibility he will not allow it and so she wouldn't be able to be prescribed anything. I don't know how that works in reality if one parent is refusing medical treatment but the other agrees to it

I’m sure your DD will be viewed as Gillick competent and if she wants to try medication and you support it then your ex would have difficulty in getting anywhere stopping it.

Honestly why does he even need to know!

Btw well done on getting away from him - he sounds utterly useless- I hope you are claiming child maintenance from him?

Since he is not the one tolerating her anxiety 24/7 and not a trained medical professional I’m not sure why he thinks he should have the say on the best treatment options for her