Siblings don't get on, home life is becoming unbearable.

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single parent to three children aged 9, 13 and 15. The older two have often struggled to get on (the eldest has been so jealous since his sister was born and this has never really changed), but it is getting worse and worse now.

DD13 is struggling with life at the moment (severe anxiety, meltdowns, school refusal, suspected autism which she is awaiting an assessment for and she has just been referred to CAMHS), she screams and shouts when something unsettles her and takes over everything at home. Her anxiety was very manageable when she was at primary school and she was very quiet then, but starting secondary school 2 years ago seems to have been the catalyst for a lot of her problems.

.DS15 can not cope with how she is, he asks why she isn't normal, he's so angry with her that he goes out of his way to try to annoy her , making horrible comments to her, and again she immediately has a meltdown or starts screaming. My youngest is very calm, gets on with both his brother and sister, but it is affecting him quite badly now too.

We've recently moved (the family home had to be sold after their dad and I divorced) and we don't have a so much space so the kids can't really get away from each other easily when they are fed up (luckily they do have a bedroom each). I'm having to keep all the windows and doors shut in this heat because I don't want the neighbours hearing the constant arguing between them and my daughter screaming and shouting.

It's becoming unbearable now. The second DD walks in to the room DS is making nasty comments to her and glaring at her. She then reacts and the whole thing starts again. We have no fun in our house anymore, we can't watch a TV show/film or play a board game without it descending in to arguements/shouting etc. This first week of the summer holidays has been awful, I'm dreading the rest of it. I don't have the money for a holiday or many trips out for them so they are stuck at home a lot. Their dad only has them 24hours a fortnight so there is no respite at home and he is only having them 2 days extra over the summer holidays. The kids relationship with him had been very up and down in recent years.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope with it all any more. I work full time and am exhausted, I have taken on a bigger mortgage than I probably should have so have no spare money for fun family outings or holidays. I end up in tears most nights before bed, it feels like survival rather than living at the moment. DS will have his GCSEs next year so calm at home is so important but I just can't see a way to achieve that (DS used to work very hard but has almost given up with school work this last year I think because of how stressed he is with home life).

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for, just ways to help keep things calmer at home. I know DD and DS may never get on as you don't choose your family and they aren't always people you get on with. Any advise of how to find time for everyone equally without ending up burnout myself would be great, as at the moment it feels like DD dominates my time at the expense of her brothers. I could really do with more time to help eldest DS with school work this year but it's a real struggle. I can't drop any hours at work unfortunately, I would like to finish earlier so that I could have extra time at home to help him but I can't afford to drop hours right now.

I suggested this to him but he wasn't so keen to just go along on his own. when he went last year it was organised by a youth group doing full days fishing for teens with a big BBQ for lunch, such a shame it's not running this year.

I also suggested a chess group as he used to love playing chess but again he wasn't keen to go.

@rainbow9713 I haven't had a copy of her passport from the school and they haven't sent minutes of meetings when they've said they would do i wouldn't have anything supporting an application from the school. The school are quite helpful but it takes weeks to get a response from them by email and even when I've been on the phone outside the school in tears asking for help to get DD in to school no one is available to talk to about it and it took three days for the assistant Senco to ring me back

My best friend as a teen had this. Couldn’t stand her sisters behaviour and I’m sorry adhd/autism need management not excusal. She won’t be able to stand in a work place and scream because someone glared at her.

Some of it is uncontrollable, some of it is behaviour and some of it is control. You need to figure out what is what.

Sounds like you will go round in circles, i would ask for a lettter from the school outlining the support they have put in place and that they are recommending an autism referral via the gp. If they are already warning gp may push back to them then they should be willing to do this. Pass on their contact details (email address) for gp to put on the referral as a point of contact (they send questionnaires to you and school), and bring a copy of her pupil passport.
Although this is where an organisation like early help would be extremely beneficial, my mom had this issue with t 14 year old brother going back and forth from school to gp. Early help support worker in no uncertain terms got the school to do the referral and it was accepted by the central booking team for neirodiverse referrals. (Sometimes they send referral back if they feel not enough information, where I am anyway). Honestly get an organisation like early help behind you, its alot more difficult to be given lip service by school then.

Have not RTFT
but
if they really do not get on, allow them to live parallel lives
it will make life much simpler for them and everybody else

as adults we get to choose to cut off family members
for the sanity of all, allow your kids to start early

I now tolerate one of my siblings after a 30 year break

Having had 4 kids as a single parent working full-time, I have to ask why isn't the oldest son out with friends? My youngest two 18 months apart son and daughter didn't get on as teens and to some extent still don't, but apart from school they were mostly out seeing friends, not spending lots of money ,ad that wasn't possibly but just meeting up, chatting etc I was needed as a taxi but other than going to footy I didn't feel pressure to entertain. I can see it must be hugely difficult and stressful but son should stop goading dd, and perhaps dad could pay for some therapy for dd?

Another poster putting all the blame on 15 yo ds? He should be out of the house?

Is your 15 yr old not meeting up with friends? Most boys that age want to hang out with peers rather than siblings all summer. Encourage him to get out with his friends-he could go to the park, McDonald’s, cinema, fishing etc.

I would message some friends it people in your eldest ds’s class and frankly beg them to consider inviting ds along if they have inexpensive plans. It’s an uncomfortable thing to do but I would always try to respond to a distress call from another mum. Also I had an only son so needed other children very much. If he hasn’t reached the point of making his own arrangements with friends I think you need to give that situation a push.

As for your dd, OCD sounds like a huge part of the picture and I would go back to the GP to ask about that. There might be something specific (you never know, a new research project or something) that she could be part of.

My female autistic relatives found it much easier to spend time with younger kids. Could you home in on a local 6-8 year old girl(s) that she could help ‘babysit’? Ie basically a play date but in theory she is helping to entertain the child while the mum does a project they need to get done. You and the mum would need to be around but they could be playing together. Everyone likes to feel like a contributor - succeeding at something and the mum thanking her might be a positive thing.

@Twolittlebirds75 @Leo800 he's always been quite homely and not too bothered about going out. He's seeing friends once this coming week but nothing else planned for the holidays yet. I've suggested things he could do with them but he's not that bothered either way to be honest. He's never been in to sports so won't go out and do anything like that. He's quite happy just lounging around at home!

The obvious solution is to get their father to step up. Why isn’t he doing an equal amount of parenting to you? You work full time, does he? He needs to take one of the older ones and the youngest 50 per cent of the time and then swap over, and take the other older child.
In other words, separate the older two if they can’t learn to live alongside each other.

@NeedSleepNow the thing is though that he’s not quite happy lounging around at home - he’s goading your dd in a really horrible way and the situation has become unbearable as per your thread title. None of that suggests that he’s quite happy.

If he wibt go out I would rope him in for more house jobs - get him to plan, shop and cook dinner a few times etc and to help you with big sorting jobs, painting, mending. That might get him interested in going out…

@OpheliaNightingale , none of them want to live with their dad though and he is 30-40 minutes away from us so not near school, he wouldn't drive them to school so I've no idea how they would get there (they walk to school from my house).

Before we divorced, their Dad did very little. I was left to do bath times, bedtime routine, nighttime feeds & wakings, schools runs, help with homework, drive them to all their activities etc so I'm used to having to do pretty much all the parenting.

So make life shitty and uncomfortable for him at home to drive him out, rather than acknowledging the DDs controlling and screaming behaviour? She has to take no responsibility and it’s all his fault?

as previous threads like this, dont worry he’s 15, few years and he’ll make his own decision to not be at home where he doesn’t matter.

That's a good idea @PermanentTemporary getting him involved more around the house. There's plenty of things that need painting or fixing that he could get involved in to keep him busy. There's a few things I've suggested he help with over the summer already and have offered extra pocket money if he does

And will you make your dd take on chores too @NeedSleepNow ?

Have you got young actors youth groups near you?

They would give your ds the opportunity to socialise with others who have siblings with needs, get out the house a bit etc.

alternatively would one of them be happier living with their dad?

My two boys were horrendous together for a few years (at a time one of them also had school refusal). They came out the other side and now get along fine. My advice would be to just avoid things which will aggravate it and let them spend time alone in their rooms, if they want to. Don’t even try board games, family movie night etc. I even gave up getting them to eat together at the dinner table as it was so bad. Cultivate their friendships and playdates. Find your own support. And try to avoid forcing them to spend time together. Feels counter intuitive but my experience was that it was just not helpful to anyone to try to create family time when so much tension is around. Spend time 1 on 1 with each when you can (eg in their rooms) and wait for the emotional temperature to die down.

Sorry x posts about living with dad not being possible

I wouldn't be forcing DS to take on extra chores, I've offered him extra pocket money to do some bits in the garden if he fancies earning some extra money

All three of them have to help around the house with certain chores as I don't have the time to do everything.

@Justalondongirl that's reassuring to hear your boys now get on. How old were they when they started getting along?

Hi they were fine when younger, awful when in early secondary school years then better when my youngest hit 15 or so and eldest 17 or so. But that’s just mine and there were particular circumstances including a divorce and SEN. Main point in hindsight for me was that I spent too long agonizing that I was doing something wrong and ought to be able to have more control and make them get along, but the reality was they both just had to grow up a bit, and trying to force the pace or make them spend time together just made things worse.

@NeedSleepNowhave you got a carers centre near you? Although he doesn’t actively provide care he is impacted by his siblings issues and it is quite possible he would be eligible for schemes over the summer.

@thestraycathouse I'm not sure, I will have a Google and see what thete is near to me

You say he ‘doesn’t believe’ in medication and has ‘parental responsibility’ but caring for his children 24hrs in a fortnight is not a responsible parent.

Your DD needs medication to support her mental health. Your DS (and you and other DC) are all suffering and your DH is doing nothing.

you need to take DD to GP today. Get her the help she needs. DS needs to respite with Nana as you mentioned and you need to get on top of this not sounds miserable for everyone. Yes DD is having problems but her behaviour cannot drive the whole house.