Siblings don't get on, home life is becoming unbearable.

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single parent to three children aged 9, 13 and 15. The older two have often struggled to get on (the eldest has been so jealous since his sister was born and this has never really changed), but it is getting worse and worse now.

DD13 is struggling with life at the moment (severe anxiety, meltdowns, school refusal, suspected autism which she is awaiting an assessment for and she has just been referred to CAMHS), she screams and shouts when something unsettles her and takes over everything at home. Her anxiety was very manageable when she was at primary school and she was very quiet then, but starting secondary school 2 years ago seems to have been the catalyst for a lot of her problems.

.DS15 can not cope with how she is, he asks why she isn't normal, he's so angry with her that he goes out of his way to try to annoy her , making horrible comments to her, and again she immediately has a meltdown or starts screaming. My youngest is very calm, gets on with both his brother and sister, but it is affecting him quite badly now too.

We've recently moved (the family home had to be sold after their dad and I divorced) and we don't have a so much space so the kids can't really get away from each other easily when they are fed up (luckily they do have a bedroom each). I'm having to keep all the windows and doors shut in this heat because I don't want the neighbours hearing the constant arguing between them and my daughter screaming and shouting.

It's becoming unbearable now. The second DD walks in to the room DS is making nasty comments to her and glaring at her. She then reacts and the whole thing starts again. We have no fun in our house anymore, we can't watch a TV show/film or play a board game without it descending in to arguements/shouting etc. This first week of the summer holidays has been awful, I'm dreading the rest of it. I don't have the money for a holiday or many trips out for them so they are stuck at home a lot. Their dad only has them 24hours a fortnight so there is no respite at home and he is only having them 2 days extra over the summer holidays. The kids relationship with him had been very up and down in recent years.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope with it all any more. I work full time and am exhausted, I have taken on a bigger mortgage than I probably should have so have no spare money for fun family outings or holidays. I end up in tears most nights before bed, it feels like survival rather than living at the moment. DS will have his GCSEs next year so calm at home is so important but I just can't see a way to achieve that (DS used to work very hard but has almost given up with school work this last year I think because of how stressed he is with home life).

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for, just ways to help keep things calmer at home. I know DD and DS may never get on as you don't choose your family and they aren't always people you get on with. Any advise of how to find time for everyone equally without ending up burnout myself would be great, as at the moment it feels like DD dominates my time at the expense of her brothers. I could really do with more time to help eldest DS with school work this year but it's a real struggle. I can't drop any hours at work unfortunately, I would like to finish earlier so that I could have extra time at home to help him but I can't afford to drop hours right now.

How can you pre-read a novel??

@VulnerableSleeve thank you for your reply, I do worry DS will leave home as soon as he can just to get away from his sister's behaviour. Home should be a haven and safe space for them all but at the moment it feels quite the opposite

Pre read all English novels 😂😂😂

@Quitelikeit That was my feeling that he doesn't live with the reality of her problems so it shouldn't be his decision to make. Yes I am claiming child maintenance from him, at least he's paying that even if he won't help in any other way.

That's a good point @RandomMess , at 13 if the Dr suggested it and she was happy to try medication that should hopefully be ok.

And what happens when she moves her behaviour on to younger sibling? Kick them out too?

Yes I thought this as well, can DS move in with Dad, just till September?

@NeedSleepNow I can feel your frustration and sadness, frankly, at your home situation.

You’ve been given some good advice here, so i hope you see some improvement.
I wish you all the very best of luck.

@NeedSleepNow She won't even walk around the house on her own most of the time as her anxiety is so bad she wants someone to check each room is ok and nothing bad in there before she will go in, it's exhausting
so are you or other dc having to engage in this and are escorting her around the house all the time?
what would happen if you did absolutely adhere to everything she demands? The walking around the house doing checks? Facilitating the long drawn out bedtime routine?
how much of this is actually just gate keeping you from spending time with your other children?

I think as Op says he is doing GCSE. The intention was for the novels they have to do for GCSE to be read before the school start. This was giving him time in the year to focus on other parts of studies.

Note I think not know as I was not the one who posted. However preread as in prior to school starting again.

I don’t think suggesting the older DS moves out to be with his father is going to help family relationships - surely it will confirm for him once and for all that his sister’s feelings and wellbeing are being prioritised over his.

I would make sure each of your sons gets one to one time with you so that they can feel that they matter to you as much as your DD. The demands she makes on the household will be just as exhausting to them as they are to you.

What happens if you just refuse to check each room for your DD, or refuse to engage in the long, drawn out bedtime routine?

That's what I assumed the poster meant, to read the English novels required for GCSE ahead of school restarting.

this, it’s so sad that the default of so many posters is “the teenage boy’s needs don’t matter! Throw him out!”

My husband had a very similar home life situation growing up. He moved out for large stretches of time as a teenager to live with his grandparents (especially during his exams as his sister would deliberately seek to disrupt his sleep etc as much as possible during that period). It has caused a lot of long-term damage to his relationship with his mother.

It's a difficult situation to navigate for sure, but agreed that compassion for his situation is needed.

I agree DS having to move in with his Dad is not the answer. He will feel kicked out of his home to live with his dad (his relationship with him was not great in the past, they've rebuilt it slightly but I don't think it would survive living together again). DS would feel more resentful of me and his sister then he does already if I forced him to move out. His dad lives 40 minutes away so he would most likely have to change school just before GCSEs.

That’s good to hear @NeedSleepNow
re dd has she ever suggested that? That ds moves out? What happens if you just refuse to check each room for your DD, or refuse to engage in the long, drawn out bedtime routine?

It doesn’t work that way.

firstly if a child is considered mature enough to make their own decision about meds (usually referred to as Gillick competent) then the parents aren’t even asked.

secondly for most treatments one parent is fine.

in some cases where the parents are saying no treatment and the child needs it (often Jehovah’s witnesses) it can go to court and the treatment enforced.

I'm not a fan of medicating children but if you have to l, then you do. Your ex clearly doesn't realise how bad the situation is and refusing to have them for any period of time means he really isn't in a position to make those sorts of decisions. It maybe that you can apply through the courts to allow her to be medicated. I know you can for other things, where parents disagree, so might be worth exploring.
Whilst it clearly wouldn't be good for your DD, perhaps you should leave her with your ex for a number of days so he actually understands what is happening.
I know not everyone is a fan of complimentary medicine, but it might be worth seeing an osteopath, to see if anything physically is affecting your DD and a homeopath to help with behaviour. (I have employed both with my son and it has made a massive difference.)
Also look at family therapy - patterns of behaviour have emerged and become entrenched. Maybe support from an outsider can make a difference.

This is sounds so stressful, I'm sorry OP.
This book is great for laying out a pathway to dealing with the anxious checking type behaviour: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52617478-breaking-free-of-child-anxiety-ocd

How to talk so children will listen... and Siblings without rivalry, which someone else mentioned are excellent too.
I really feel for you.

I think your option to have DS1 spend some time at your parents is a good one. Would they be up for short breaks on an individual basis with both your DD and DS2 through the summer hold, so it doesn’t feel like you’re singling out your eldest?

I would also get your DD to the GP - she needs help to break this cycle that seems to have developed through divorce/house move/puberty/school change all happening within a relatively short space of time. The GP may also be able to refer you to some family support and counselling to help you navigate this very difficult time.

It’s so hard when you’re having to deal with all this and your Ex is unsupportive but your DCs will know you are doing your best. Try to be as consistent (and boring) with family routines. Don’t worry about doing spontaneous treats/days out this summer, but do encourage your DS1 particularly to find some interests outside the family. He’s saying ‘no’ to everything suggested, but that could just be him being a teenager and worrying about not looking cool to his mates. Are you friends with any of his mate’s parents? If a suggestion for an activity to do with one of his friends came from them or their parents, might he be more likely to say ‘yes’?

Is it possible your lad is ND too? Unfortunately it is easy to overlook ND in one child because thier sibling 'has it worse'. My DS1 has loud meltdowns and the noise from them causes my DS2 physical pain which in turn makes him snap at his brother. Even if he is NT it is easy to fall into the trap of focusing more on one child because their needs are more apparent which can build resentment. My children both need time alone with me out of the house, fully away from the other sibling and home. Is there any way someone can take your DD so you can take DS fishing or something like that? Has DS got a quiet space where he can work, this year will be a high pressure year for him, he will also need a really decent pair of noise cancelling headphones if he hasn't already.

I also think sending your DS away without spending some time with him first may be counter productive. It will reinforce his belief that his sister is your favourite.

ETA by send away I mean sending him to stay with his nan for a week or two. Not sending him away permanently. I can't believe someone has suggested that as a solution!

That’s your EX controlling you from afar.
Id speak to your GP. If necessary take it to court.

No she would be so upset if he moved out, although they argue a lot she loves him dearly.

If she is worrying about something or hasn't done her bedtime routine in the right order she has a complete meltdown. She'll sit on the floor sobbing/screaming and rocking or standing up but flapping her arms whilst screaming that she doesn't like it. It happens if she's scared, overwhelmed by noise or other sensory issues, if her bed or clothes don't feel right and for many other reasons.

I had been wondering about family therapy and if that could help us all. I'm not sure if it is available on the NHS though and I don't know if I could afford to self fund.

My mum has always been very keen on complimentary medicine and used homeopathy for me and my siblings growing up so it's not something I would rule out.

Clearly the whole family should be getting support, that sounds like an incredibly stressful environment for all of its happenings every night!