Siblings don't get on, home life is becoming unbearable.

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single parent to three children aged 9, 13 and 15. The older two have often struggled to get on (the eldest has been so jealous since his sister was born and this has never really changed), but it is getting worse and worse now.

DD13 is struggling with life at the moment (severe anxiety, meltdowns, school refusal, suspected autism which she is awaiting an assessment for and she has just been referred to CAMHS), she screams and shouts when something unsettles her and takes over everything at home. Her anxiety was very manageable when she was at primary school and she was very quiet then, but starting secondary school 2 years ago seems to have been the catalyst for a lot of her problems.

.DS15 can not cope with how she is, he asks why she isn't normal, he's so angry with her that he goes out of his way to try to annoy her , making horrible comments to her, and again she immediately has a meltdown or starts screaming. My youngest is very calm, gets on with both his brother and sister, but it is affecting him quite badly now too.

We've recently moved (the family home had to be sold after their dad and I divorced) and we don't have a so much space so the kids can't really get away from each other easily when they are fed up (luckily they do have a bedroom each). I'm having to keep all the windows and doors shut in this heat because I don't want the neighbours hearing the constant arguing between them and my daughter screaming and shouting.

It's becoming unbearable now. The second DD walks in to the room DS is making nasty comments to her and glaring at her. She then reacts and the whole thing starts again. We have no fun in our house anymore, we can't watch a TV show/film or play a board game without it descending in to arguements/shouting etc. This first week of the summer holidays has been awful, I'm dreading the rest of it. I don't have the money for a holiday or many trips out for them so they are stuck at home a lot. Their dad only has them 24hours a fortnight so there is no respite at home and he is only having them 2 days extra over the summer holidays. The kids relationship with him had been very up and down in recent years.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope with it all any more. I work full time and am exhausted, I have taken on a bigger mortgage than I probably should have so have no spare money for fun family outings or holidays. I end up in tears most nights before bed, it feels like survival rather than living at the moment. DS will have his GCSEs next year so calm at home is so important but I just can't see a way to achieve that (DS used to work very hard but has almost given up with school work this last year I think because of how stressed he is with home life).

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for, just ways to help keep things calmer at home. I know DD and DS may never get on as you don't choose your family and they aren't always people you get on with. Any advise of how to find time for everyone equally without ending up burnout myself would be great, as at the moment it feels like DD dominates my time at the expense of her brothers. I could really do with more time to help eldest DS with school work this year but it's a real struggle. I can't drop any hours at work unfortunately, I would like to finish earlier so that I could have extra time at home to help him but I can't afford to drop hours right now.

I do know a few of his friends' parents so I have organised for them to go to the cinema this week, I will see if we can get a few other things organised for them.

My mum offered to have DD to stay separately too but she says she won't go, that she can't be away from me for a night. She hasn't stayed at her Dad's house for ages either, she doesn't like the noises there, says she hears cars and sirens, the bed doesn't feel right... The last time she stayed she kept ringing me over and over and over, anxious and crying whilst her dad was asleep. DS did step up and sat with her until she finally went to sleep at 2.30am

I don't think he is ND too but it's not really something I've considered much. He has a desk in his room with space for his books and his laptop. Noise cancelling headphones are a grood idea, I hadn't thought of that.

Absolutely that's how I feel that DD is taking the majority of my time and attention because of her behaviour and anxiety but her needs are no more important than DS15 and DS9's needs and they need time, attention and help from me as much as DD does.

I'm sure my mum would come round and spend the day with DD and my youngest DS for the day so that I could take the eldest out for the day, then do the same so I can take youngest out for the day.

I think you can fill in your own referral form for young carers. I would find out about your local one and give them a ring. There is also an organisation called Sibs (sibs.org.uk) for siblings of disabled children who may be able to help or signpost support. I really feel for you and your DS, he definitely needs compassion and support not punishment.

I am so sorry your going through this, your post resonated so much with me. With a daughter fine during primary but secondary school was like WTF....... do school support the fact that she could possibly have autism? What support is in place at school? Pupil passport/profile? Is she on the neurodiverse pathway?
I ask all this as there is no mention of your daughter being in receipt of DLA, I thought you needed a diagnosis but it is actually needs based. My daughter was awarded it May 2025, and i used some of the payments for a private autism assessment...... doesnt change things overnight dont get me wrong, but we had been on the nhs waiting list for 3 years.
Have you applied for or considered applying for an EHCP? My daughter is academic amd was told I didn't stand a chance, this March at mediation LA agreed to needs assessment, it jas now been decided that her SEN needs do require an EHCP.
Self refer to early help on your area also, or ask the school to put a referral through to them.
My oldest is the same age as your daughter 13 and just finished year 8, although her final attendance figure was 62.6% for the year, and 8% during the final 4 weeks. School kept making out it was behavioural, but being in the featol position sobbing at the sight of school uniform didnt feel like a behavioural issue to me.

I also have an 11 year old daughter, generally they get on okay BUT my 11 year old does say the world revolves around her sister, that she needs a mom too, she is sick of always having to pander to her sister, that her sister just gets to stay home and she has to go to school, she cant struggle because I always have to look after her sister...... now thia conversation was intense, emotional. There was crying and shouting from her. She came on her period the following day, however I did feel awful. I thanked her for looking out for her sister, and said I know you are under pressure, all the paperwork about tour siater actually mentions you. Because it may look like I am just fighting for your siater but I am actually fighting for all of us. And I am making sure the professionals know that things with tour siater are affecting you. I apologised for not realising quite how much pressure she felt under, but I am not a mind reader either. So we need to keep doing this and talking, and if she does struggle that is fine. I have enough fight in me for the both of them.
Now I do really random 'check ins' with my youngest. I did take her on an evening out to the theatre just me and her, which i understand isnt affordable for you right now, but if you haven't already I would honestly advise applying for DLA for your daughter.
If you would like to chat to someone who gets it olease feel free to private message me. I cannot solve your problems however I am happy to talk thinga through so you dont feel alone. Also stops me writing massive essays on your post 🤣

Also registered my youngest with young carers, someone went into school to speak with her. And they organise activities for free that the young carer can attend

@rainbow9713 thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'd not bothered applying for DLA as without an autism diagnosis or 'proof' I assumed there was no chance of being awarded it.

School have been quite helpful, she is on their SEN register , has a pupil passport, is allowed to leave lessons early to avoid the rush in the corridor (sure hates the noise and crowds), can take a break during class if needed but she doesn't really like using them as doesn't want to draw attention to herself in school, she essentially wants to be invisible. Teachers have said she's a model student, quiet and hardworking but the Senco is supportive of the fact she masks at school and falls apart at home, and they suggested the CAMHS referral and that I should speak to the GP about an autism assessment. She's been having a talking therapy at school, seen the therapy dog, is having sessions about managing her emotions and is on the waiting list for art therapy. I've not looked into EHCP's, everything just seems to have got exponentially worse in such a short space of time that I feel a bit lost with it all and haven't had a chance to lookup things like that yet.

I don't know what to do about the school refusal though, school say just to keep encouraging her to come to school. The problem is that if she point blank refuses I couldn't leave her at home on her own, she couldn't cope and my work are not understanding at all if I'm late in etc.

Eldest DS had been a bit more open about his feelings recently and it is very similar to how your youngest has been feeling. My youngest DS is 9 and I've noticed the effect on him recently too and he has been seeing the school therapy dog which he had enjoyed. His confidence is very low though which I think is caused by all the problems at home.

It is so hard and near impossible taking care of multiple children, who all need you at the same time, but all have completely different needs. I was desperate I called social services myself in regards to school refusal, school actually backed off with the threats of prosecution and telling my daughter she will get me into trouble once the needs assessment was underway. But even with understanding SENCo and a million bavk and forth emails...... that was a battle.
For DLA I filled in the form honestly, and as proof I sent pupil passport, a me tal health intervention she took part in at school and I actually cant remember what else but it actually wasnt alot...... she was awarded high rate care and low rate mobility. I didnt think she would get it at all! As when your child is your normal its difficult to really see how much you do do. The form is depressing to fill out as you have to highlight all the struggles. But hoenstly it enabled me to give my daughters their own rooms (with the back pay, living room built a wall my room is now downstairs. And they now have their own rooms upstairs). And enabled me to pay the £1,950 for a private Autism diagnosis. If you go down this route make sure they are a multi disciplinary team following NICE guidelines. Where we went was great and I am sure they jave clinics dotted about so i could give you their information.
I feel that if I can settle my oldest, pur house will settle. Hard to explain to my youngest, no point going through the diagnostics of autism or the psychology behind emotionally based school avoidance as she really wouldn't care 🤣. To hwr her siater is living her best life staying off school and getting all moms time.
I am now looking at autosm specialist placements for my oldest, I have come to the realisation she is too traumatised by a mainstream secondary setting to ever be anle to do it again. Websites I found helpful when it was absolute hell with my daughter not going to school amd the pressure from the school are: barriers to education (my favourite one) and not fine in school.
My daughter is like yours and so sweet and well behaved at school, she just wants to go under the radar, on her pupil passport it even days no positive praise infront of peers.
I also did some interactive courses, in my city it is the Be Empowered courses there should be something like this under SEND on your local council website. And BREWS, both support parents/carers of neurodiverse (even potentially) and additional needs children. Its a great comminity and I would advise you to build your community of not only people going through similar, but the people who know legislation ect.
Its alot if information and I dont want ro waffle haha. Like I said you ever need someone to sound off to or help with forms ect drop me a message. If your not too far happy for a meet up

With respect, she is 13 and behaving like a toddler with screaming fits.

It all sounds very stressful OP. I would highly recommend the Siblings Without Rivalry book - it was a game changer for me in how I dealt with the inevitable siblings rows. I also did a ‘common sense parenting’ course that was really helpful. Some of the best things I gained were around ‘stay calm plans’ for each of us for when things became heated. Us all having our spaces that we go to and calm down is great. Also spending specific time with each child. It doesn’t have to be an awful long time but it does need to be just about them. I never discuss one child with the other…As parents we regulate their nervous systems. So it’s on us.

So sorry OP, sounds so much like co morbid OCD, could it have been triggered by the house move? Since things have declined so quickly? Sending a hand hold 💐

I can't help on the dynamics, but regarding the GP. I called the other day regarding my DD13 for an appointment and was told as she'd turned 13, although I could make the appointment they were no longer able to discuss any of her medical history or information with me unless she agreed it in writing. I spoke to DD and she was happy to confirm I could still have access.

her dad popped her for the appointment and mentioned it at the reception desk and DD was given a form to fill out to say it was ok for me (I've separated from my DDs dad) I asked if he'd got put on it but he said no, he was happy for me to do it and DD had to specify who she gave permission to. So your ex may not be able to find anything out anyway.

Meltdowns
I am sure almost every single parent of a neurodivergent child has been accused of their child having a tantrum when it is actually a meltdown. In fact, you may have even accused your child of this yourself- I know I certainly have been guilty of making this mistake. It's hard to deal with those judgey looks and scathing comments when your child is lying in aisle three, screaming and thrashing arms and legs around the
causing most epic scene. But while tantrums and meltdowns may look similar, there is actually a very big difference between them. A tantrum is usually only seen in younger children intending to get a particular response, so it is most often goal-oriented, intentionally manipulative behaviour. On the other hand, a meltdown is an intense response that can happen at any age, and is usually due to sensory overload or overwhelming situations beyond the person's control, with no purpose, goal or manipulation behind it. While a child (including a neurodivergent one) may have a tantrum about the fact that you wouldn't buy them a toy or a chocolate bar while at the supermarket, a meltdown is more likely to be triggered by the supermarket's fluorescent lights or overpowering smells, leading to sensory overload. Meltdowns are our sympathetic nervous systems triggering a fight-or-flight response to a perceived threat
Meltdowns require understanding, not judgement.

With respect unless you are living it and/ or prepared to educate yourself on meltdown vs tantrums then I dont see how your comment is helpful. What is written above I have copied from a book called Parenting Different How to raise your neurodivergebt kids to be their authentic, awesome selves. Written by the parent of Chloe Hayden an AUDHD Australian actress who stars in the Netflix heartbreak high.

I wish it was as simple as a tantrum as they are so much easier to resolve. 5 years ago autism never even crossed my mind for my daughter. But again research autiam in girls and you can see why they are diagnosed so much later than boys.

Could your eldest go fishing on his own as that's something he has enjoyed? Might be able to find a local group who would share equipment and tips.

She absolutely is, it's as though she has regressed to being a toddler

Yes meltdowns and tantrums are very different. I didn't realise myself until the last year or two. My DD's meltdowns usually happen when she gets in from school, when she is getting ready to go back to school on Sunday evenings/towards the end of the school holidays, or when there is to much noise, crowds or when she is struggling with the feel of something like clothing or smells of food etc.

She’s not mentally ill she’s autistic… that’s not a mental health disorder it’s a disability.

I've not had to make an appointment for her since she turned 13 so I might need to get her to do that before I take her back to the GP.

I feel immense guilt for not noticing the 'signs' in my daughter sooner. When i look back there was tiny little things, but again how do you differentiate when that is your normal. It was only when its like her wheels started to fall off I was like WOAH, and even then I doubted ut thinking it could be puberty (she started her periods at 9).
But now you literally cant ignore it, and even when I had the diagnosis feedback the clinician said sometimes they arent sure, or one or 2 may disagree. But they are absolutely certain my daughter has autism. When the thought never even crossed my mind until she was about 8.
The clinicians described it as expectations as they get older exceed capacity. And the secondary school environment most definitely exceeds my daughters capacity.
Like your daughter sounds my daughter is so kind, to the point she could easily be taken advantage of. Feels so deeply..... however when she gets to a cant cope point like with loud noise, crowds, clothing OMG clothing is hard work and food.... then its just like BOOM!
My daughtee also doesnt sleep, lucky if we get 3 hiurs a nught and that is necer in 1 block. Guessing from your user name you have the same struggle.

Why haven't school done the autism referral out of interest? They can..... although some say they cant. Same with gp they can..... but alot say they cant 🙄.
My oldest was referred by gp, youngest is on ADHD pathway, school told me to go to gp who said they cant. Went back to school and they did do the referral. The school is probably best to do the referral if they are aware of masking and have put support in place for her. So I would push that with the SENCo to be honest, cant moan at you for her school refusal, while telling you they believe she has autism but not actually helping.
In the last 2 years I have become extremely intolerant to lip service from 'professionals' if you havent guessed 🤣🤣

Agree 100%. Ultimatum time. Dad has to step up. Its not optional. He can't force you to keep all 3 any more than you can force him to keep all 3. You are both responsible for them equally. I'm sick of hearing about Dads only doing a tiny bit. Your son might come back with an improved attitude once he experiences what living with dad is like.

youd 100% insist the ds is kicked out? Lovely. 😕

I'd not really considered OCD before.

Things really ramped up when the family home went up for sale. I had always had suspicions that she could be autistic when she was little, lots of sensory issues, struggled with change, strange routines to calm herself but she coped well at school, was flourishing academically, had lots of friends and was generally happy so I didn't ever give it too much thought.

When her dad and I separated she coped quite well except when he wanted her to stay overnight as she struggled being away from home. She had play therapy at school that seemed to help her a little.

Then she started secondary school and she struggled socially, hated the noise and how big it was. The family home went up for sale, I remember her wailinh when she saw the for sale sign. The house had been her safe space. We had to move in with family as the house I was buying fell through and what was meant to be just a few months turned into a year. she would sob at night telling me to take her back home 😔. Her sensory issues got worse again and the school refusal started. We finally bought our own home after a year of staying with family. Initially she settled incredibly well and the long bedtime routines stopped but then she had to go back to school (we moved during the holidays) and the anxiety, routines and meltdowns ramped up again.

Yesss 100% this. My kids are younger (so nice to know it continues to be effective), but it's my parenting bible! Sounds corny, but it gives me tools in my toolbox before I get to the end of my tether! So, I rarely reach it because one of the 9 or so other strategies works beforehand!

It sounds as though your daughter is controlling the whole family and no wonder your eldest gets upset with her. She needs boundaries put in place and consequences for her screaming episodes.

@rainbow9713 they just suggested the referral should be via the GP, I'm not sure why. They warned me the GP may try to push back to the school but that I should push for it via the GP. I've no idea why 🤷🏻‍♀️