Siblings don't get on, home life is becoming unbearable.

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single parent to three children aged 9, 13 and 15. The older two have often struggled to get on (the eldest has been so jealous since his sister was born and this has never really changed), but it is getting worse and worse now.

DD13 is struggling with life at the moment (severe anxiety, meltdowns, school refusal, suspected autism which she is awaiting an assessment for and she has just been referred to CAMHS), she screams and shouts when something unsettles her and takes over everything at home. Her anxiety was very manageable when she was at primary school and she was very quiet then, but starting secondary school 2 years ago seems to have been the catalyst for a lot of her problems.

.DS15 can not cope with how she is, he asks why she isn't normal, he's so angry with her that he goes out of his way to try to annoy her , making horrible comments to her, and again she immediately has a meltdown or starts screaming. My youngest is very calm, gets on with both his brother and sister, but it is affecting him quite badly now too.

We've recently moved (the family home had to be sold after their dad and I divorced) and we don't have a so much space so the kids can't really get away from each other easily when they are fed up (luckily they do have a bedroom each). I'm having to keep all the windows and doors shut in this heat because I don't want the neighbours hearing the constant arguing between them and my daughter screaming and shouting.

It's becoming unbearable now. The second DD walks in to the room DS is making nasty comments to her and glaring at her. She then reacts and the whole thing starts again. We have no fun in our house anymore, we can't watch a TV show/film or play a board game without it descending in to arguements/shouting etc. This first week of the summer holidays has been awful, I'm dreading the rest of it. I don't have the money for a holiday or many trips out for them so they are stuck at home a lot. Their dad only has them 24hours a fortnight so there is no respite at home and he is only having them 2 days extra over the summer holidays. The kids relationship with him had been very up and down in recent years.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope with it all any more. I work full time and am exhausted, I have taken on a bigger mortgage than I probably should have so have no spare money for fun family outings or holidays. I end up in tears most nights before bed, it feels like survival rather than living at the moment. DS will have his GCSEs next year so calm at home is so important but I just can't see a way to achieve that (DS used to work very hard but has almost given up with school work this last year I think because of how stressed he is with home life).

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for, just ways to help keep things calmer at home. I know DD and DS may never get on as you don't choose your family and they aren't always people you get on with. Any advise of how to find time for everyone equally without ending up burnout myself would be great, as at the moment it feels like DD dominates my time at the expense of her brothers. I could really do with more time to help eldest DS with school work this year but it's a real struggle. I can't drop any hours at work unfortunately, I would like to finish earlier so that I could have extra time at home to help him but I can't afford to drop hours right now.

Sounds difficult for you all.
Read up on OCD and maybe also PDA for your DD. She's not having a great time at the moment.
What strategies does she have when she's beginning to feel overwhelmed?
Your DS is struggling too - but assuming he's NT then he needs to try and understand that sniping at his sister only makes the situation worse.
Such a shame that the fishing club isn't running. But he really needs to find something to occupy his time and get out more. What are his other interests? Could he do some volunteering? Park run often needs help, animal charities might be able to take someone his age? You say he's not sporty, but would he consider something like boxing or martial arts? Often more inclusive in their set up and ethos.

Your daughter needs a GP appointment asap. Yes, she may well need to be medicated, not ideal at 13, but it's very clear that as a family you can't carry on as you are. It's likely a combination of issues... divorce, school change, house move and possibly hormones as well. Your daughter's issues have completely taken over your entire household, to the detriment to you and your son's. Have you looked at Mind website that specialises in mental health and also any Autism charities for help? It's not uncommon for children with Autism to have anxiety and OCD.

I would recommend family therapy for all of you, especially for your son. He's having a rough time too. Going into Year 11, he's going to need to be able to concentrate on his exams. Once school is back in September, you need to inform his Tutor/Head of Year about the issues at home. The school may be able to offer pastoral care, and signpost you to some help. I can imagine that he's incredibly frustrated and sad, that his sister takes up all your energy and resources at home, and he and his brother are left by the wayside.

What happens if you ignore some of your daughter's demands? The problem you have is your daughter is stuck in a vicious circle. In a way, by engaging with these rituals, you are reinforcing her anxiety. Ultimately, no matter how much reassurance you can give, it won't be enough.

It's slightly different and I can't be too outing here but I work in a school. We have a child, with a particular trigger for his anxiety (he's diagnosed Autistic). I'd like to point out, it's a trigger that no one on planet earth could possibly control! It will start as a small trigger, you reassure, he comes back for more and more, until he's worked himself up into a frenzy. We have learnt to be bright, breezy and not feed into the trigger, and use distractions if we can.The more we engage, the worse it becomes, until he can have full on meltdowns.

To me, your daughter sounds like the above. The more you give, the more she wants, and actually it doesn't help her anxiety, it feeds it. I don't know the answer here, but I do know you need professional help.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share it's not impossible to get an EHCP - just tedious! You can do it (the changes that are being proposed haven't actually come in yet). IPSEA have a template letter on their website. Get it ready to send to your local authority just before the school goes back.

It is unfortunately very common for autistic girls to fall to bits over the year 6 to year 7 transition, and it does sound like the unavoidable house move escalated things. In my daughter's case it was lockdown sent her over the edge. She's doing really well some years later though.

Send your oldest to live with his Dad. You need help with behavior modification for your daughter. Your oldest son, too.

Your ex DH has got a bloody nerve. He barely sees his children, yet feels entitled to overrule you on what they might need. As others have said, if one parent takes a child for medical treatment, they do not ask for the permission of the other parent. The one sitting in front of them giving permission will suffice.