Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I'm forecasting that things won't improve in the future.

I think your baby was born this year. There is very little difference between a 1mo and a 6mo but there is a world off difference between a 6mo and a 3yo, or a 6yo…

So think your logic is flawed. You might feel that way but you don’t need to accept that it’s reasonable or likely to be true.

@whywonthelisten Yes, the baby was born in late January.

Op honestly you are in the toughest bit, you'll find it so much easier when they can eat by themselves, go to toilet etc. hang in there till they are 3yrs and honestly you may feel completely different. Accept that life with a toddler is very restrictive but honestly after that it isn't as bad!!
But definitely consider going back to Paris, get back to work and find childcare instead. Being a SAHM is not for everyone! I was back to work at 10 months with both my kids and much happier having my adult time at work. Made me enjoy time with kids more.

Remember with kids it's all little phases and you may not enjoy the early ones but you may love the next phase when they can talk to you!

I read a post on here earlier today from a MN who has a four year old son and is still not feeling that she is cut out for this - every single minute of every day is hard.
We accept that others differ to us in lots of different ways, but why not in relation to motherhood? The post that said "woman up"
is not helpful right now in this situation at all.
OP- I would definitely consider going back to Paris with LO for a little while and see how you feel.. there is NO rush on any decisions at all... your independence has been greatly curtailed in moving home, aside from the baby.
Posters are saying it's tough, muddle through... but your feelings are a little different I think at this stage... I'd give it one last shot by moving back to Paris and reassessing. You are not a failure OP. You are doing your best right now. Believe that.

I have sublet my (rented) apartment in Paris until the end of the year. It is bringing in some much-needed income while I'm on mat leave.

@vickylou78 Indeed, a 6 year old is very different from a six-month old but six years old is a very long time away when you're as unhappy as I am.
As I've said before, I miss Paris like I'd miss my right arm - it is a part of me. But I also think I'd be very foolish to think moving back to Paris will make me feel substantially better about being a mother. I love my son but I hate being a mother.
What worries me is that I'm only happy when I'm away from him. Have others felt that and had things get better before the child was- I don't know- a teenager!? The more common post-partum depression seems to be, as far as I can , more along the lines of a fog, generalised depression, or even a feeling that yout child would better off without you, and that's not what I'm going through.

I know this doesn't actually help you so feel free to ignore, but I'm wondering how this situation came to be, OP? Have you been around newborns much before, have you had close friends/family going through the trenches of parenthood?

I saw my sister struggling with a baby who just would not stop screaming so I had worked myself up into thinking early-years parenthood was hell. That meant that when I had my own child I was actually pleasantly surprised even though I got little sleep, baby had feeding problems etc.

Basically, I'm pondering whether the society we live in where parents and non-parents often don't mix, means that in general parents are less prepared for their new realities than back when babies were everywhere and kids ran freely around three neighbourhood.

A fair question @Thatsalineallright and one I can't give the answer to. I saw my sister with her babies at quite close range. I loved my nephews and niece more than I live my own child. It's very strange and nobody is more shocked than I.

And I wonder if that part of my personality (whether it's neurodivergence or whatever) didn't fully take in the difficulty.

Sorry posted before I saw your latest, OP. No, I never felt happiest away from my baby but I did desperately long for a proper break every so often. Adults need other adults, not just interacting with a baby all day.

Thankfully with my DH around I was able to get away for a couple of hours to recharge and we lived centrally so I could be out and about a lot.

What also helped was bringing the baby along with my ordinary activities instead of always joining baby with theirs. So cooking, food shopping, sorting through clothes etc with baby there (in a carrier/in your arms/next to you on the bed etc) instead of spending all their awake time playing baby games.

That means when baby is down for a nap you can actually put your feet up a bit instead of having a long list of life admin to do.

But still there's no avoiding the fact that life changes with a baby around. Would counselling help you make peace with that?

A friend of mine went through terrible postnatal depression, though she didn't recognise it as that for quite a long time. She was convinced that she had to give her son up for adoption for his own sake, and she set a deadline of the baby's first birthday because she wanted to breastfeed him for a year. She thought she was being quite rational and logical, but in fact she was suffering from PND. She received treatment including cognitive behavioural therapy as well as antidepressants. Although she still wasn't convinced that she even had PND, she went through with the treatments and recovered. Her bond with her son improved dramatically, and she began to really enjoy being a mother. In fact, she went on to have another child, and she now says she can't imagine being without either of her children.

I'm not saying that your experience must be the same as hers, but in your shoes I would explore talking therapies and investigate different antidepressants if the one you tried first hasn't helped. The fact that you say you love your nephews and niece more than your own child indicates to me that something is going on with you that is deeper than just not being cut out for motherhood.

I really hope that things improve for you. Learning to drive and planning to return to Paris sound like positive steps to take.

*I read a post on here earlier today from a MN who has a four year old son and is still not feeling that she is cut out for this - every single minute of every day is hard.

We accept that others differ to us in lots of different ways, but why not in relation to motherhood? The post that said "woman up" is not helpful right now in this situation at all.*

@WalkAway7 I think we accept that people parent differently, but thankfully, we have reliable contraception nowadays, so we no longer have to have unwanted children. If we do choose to create them, we can't just dump them. Once you make that choice, you're responsible for them and yes, it can be hard!

@BruFord . You're a much cleverer woman than I if you can predict exactly know someone will react upon becoming a mother. Please can you point out - if your comment was referring to me - where I considered dumping my son. And if the dumping comment wasn't aimed at me, may I ask who were you referring to in that comment?

@VioletSeagull Thank you for sharing. Mirtazapine is the first anti-depressant I have taken post- partum. I have been prescribed several throughout the years. None had much impact. The psychiatrist in the perinatal team told me she isn't sure in which direction to take my treatment.

This is unkind and untrue. "I don't want to love and support my child." Where are you getting that from?

I am being responsible for him. I am trying to decide what is best for him.

I’m not sure if you’ve answered this & I’ve missed it but why don’t you take a trip to Paris with your son OP? Even if just for a week, get back to a place that you know makes you happy?

You are miserable where you are living at the moment, that will absolutely be placing a dark cloud over every other aspect of your life so try something new. Take the trip, spend time with your son in the place you feel happiest, you may feel much differently when you change your surroundings?

You won't need to wait until they are 6 years old Op. Honestly I did not enjoy the baby phase..I found it really does get better when they get older and can communicate and they get a personality. I enjoy my time without them! But now I also enjoy my time with them.
It's like you are almost in shock after so many years doing your own thing. The shock will subside!

I understand I was giving birth at 40 so similarly I was used to just looking after myself!

@BrendaSouleyman I think I get what you mean when you are describing a different kind of Post Natal Depression. Or maybe Atypical PND. I had my first child at 18 so pretty much the opposite age to you, and it was a shock to say the least. Wanted to run away many times. Felt the same way you do. I can't remember when it got easier, but I had another child when she was nearly 4. Then another one now, I'm 38 now, so a huge age gap. I do still get those feelings of complete overwhelm with the responsibility and sensory overload, but I hang on to the fact that I know this should hopefully get easier. My PND was only really bad the first time because after that I knew. I'd say around 3 or 4 years old it gets easier I think I remember that from my first two. It's infinitely easier (for me at least) when you can talk directly and reason with them somewhat.

Sorry that was a large block of text. I know it can feel so hard and for sure it is a difficult decision whether to move or not, let alone any other decision. Just weighing in to say that for me it did get easier around age 3 or 4 to the point I did not feel that trapped, panicky, what have I done feeling hardly at all from that age. If this helps.

OP: what is best for him is for you to work on getting better, and for you to bring him up.

It sounds as if there are a few different things going on. This thing that you're going through - break it down into its constituent parts, and solve them bit by bit.

Adoption is a huge decision to make when you don't sound well. And - there really is no rush.

It sounds as if your brain is telling you odd stories. You need to stop listening to your inner voice when it turns malign.

What worries me is that I'm only happy when I'm away from him. Have others felt that and had things get better before the child was- I don't know- a teenager!?

I am not sure I felt quite as strongly as you but I severely disliked looking after my Babies. I was certainly happier when I was not with them. I already enjoy spending time with them and the youngest is 3 in November. I wouldn't say I love all of it but when I have been away for the night I genuinely look forward to seeing them.

I think you are very sensible to consider adoption - considering doesn’t mean you have to do it.

I don’t know what’s best for you and your child but posting about it on here no doubt you will get some arsehole condemning you to burn in hell more regretting being a mother and wanting to consider it. Probably because it’s partly a rejection of their choice to be a mother.

Can you discuss it further with anyone ? Do you think it would be best for your son too ?

Thank you @taylorfan @Orangemintcream and others for your thoughtful replies.

There are a couple of old chestnuts that crop up time and again so I reckon they must be true. The phrase "the challenges don't get easier, they are different" Is something I've often heard, so I believe it, but of course it also depends on what one finds difficult. I've been so often on my own that the constant proximity and responsibility is something I've found incredibly difficult and the worrying thing is that when I get a break from baby, it just never seems enough - I don't want to go back.

I was telling a friend, a mother of three, how hard I was finding things and she said "Yes, it is hard, but it's all worth it." I have heard that phase quite often, too. I'm repeating what I have said beofrehand, but again, but I am not finding any of it worth it.

I wouldn't make a decision like adoption lightly. I would only do it if I thought it would be better for my son- to be brought up, hopefully in a loving home and hopefully by a couple, rather than by a single mother with mental health challenges. I have had mental health issues before his pregnancy- many women have - but nothing like this.
Anyway, thank you all again.

Would your sister take on the baby? And you move back to Paris?

No @Opentoconvo - if you read my first post on this thread you'll see why (the remark that she made).

Before you make any decisions around adoption, I'd go back to work and sort out decent childcare. Being with a baby 24 hours a day is incredibly intense and isolating and while work doesn't make things easier in some ways, it gives you a lot more time away from the baby and other things to engage your brain on.