Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

@BrendaSouleyman you don't come across as selfish or stupid at all. At the moment you are your son's everything - he's still only a baby. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. Your life has changed massively in a short space of time.

I had my son in my 40s and also found the sudden loss of freedom and weight of responsibility truly overwhelming at times (and I do have a partner). I'm now a few years down the line (my son is 6) and over the past couple of years I've had to re-adjust to not being his everything - he has a whole life of his own that I'm not really a part of (school, clubs, friends etc). So from my experience the completely overwhelming feeling of early parenthood can pass. Obviously I can't promise that will be the case for you, but you really are still in the very early months - how you feel now won't necessarily be how you feel when you have a child you can have proper conversations with rather than a baby or toddler.

"The days (and nights) are long" but the years are short" is so true.
I'm not a single mother but my partner has been critically ill for all of our baby's life and undergoing treatment for most of it. No family within 200 miles.

I am an extrovert and I found structured activities like baby groups (or planned meetups) to be a lifesaver. I could not have done without the adult company. We are in London where there is a lot going on.

My son cried when I tried to shower with him in the bouncy chair. He was (eventually) EBF and we mostly have co-slept. That has been the best solution for us. Sleep improved dramatically at 12 months when I stopped feeding to sleep at night, and at 14 months when I night-weaned entirely.

Getting out every morning has been a non-negotiable. Appreciate we have less rain than where you are.

With the benefit of hindsight + if not beholden to anyone else, at this age I would have gone on loads more trips- before you need any weaning equipment.

@BrendaSouleyman your honesty in this thread is moving.

As women we are supposed to have maternal instincts, however the reality can be quite different and only seen when one has a child. How could you have known beforehand?

Reflecting on how you can create a better life for your child, then you can provide is the most selfless act possible.

This is your decision and whatever decision you come to will be the right decision for both you and your child. Believe in you.

Thinking about you.

Think you @FunCrab for your lovely words.

Getting out and about is crucial @Mulledjuice but unfortunately I don't know how to drive and my mother had a car accident in late March so we're without a car. I get out as much as taxis and the occasional walk allow.

Also want to say I am sorry for what you have gone through @Mulledjuice , that doesn't sound easy at all and I hope your partner is receiving the best possible care.

Op having a baby is life changing for everyone I’m sure. I think it does get easier. I think the feeling of wanting to flee is maybe you needing a break. The home situation sounds hard without a car. I think previously you said you lived rurallycoukd you move to a town/city. I think being a mum of one could have its positives as the baby gets older, you can flee/travel together. I know it’s hard to see that now but as a single parent of teens it does improve. Take your time and make sure you look after you as well.

I'm sorry- I missed that from your posts.

I wonder whether this helpful to underline where you want to be living ie somewhere you can get about without a car.

So many people have posted and told you to move back to Paris, put baby in daycare and go back to work. At some point, you really do need to take control of the situation. You are just wallowing now and it's very unhealthy. A baby does NOT tie you down to this extent. Go back to your career, get childcare, experience some freedom. My DS is 2 and I feel I have a lot of freedom now. But I still have a career, my own home, DS is settled in a gorgeous nursery.

I would be going nuts living with my mother in a small town with zero autonomy.

It wasn’t until my daughter was about five/ so school age, that I thought I’d got part of myself back.

The early years are full on. I was single from nine months but had a friend to help until my daughter was nearly two. When I was on my own, it was hard. I felt like I had no personality outside being a mum.

My advice now: find something/ anything- that gives you a sense of self. It might be reading then finding an online reading club to talk about it. Just get some outside perspective. It’s easy to think literal spilled milk is the end of the world when you’re on your own.

This.

OP you are being ridiculous. Woman up and take control of the situation instead of navel-gazing about your nature and all that crap.

Hi Brenda, I was thinking of you because I had a recent trip to Paris with my teen daughter. I thought of you as I passed a nursery building. Before you go down the route of Open Adoption perhaps you should relocate back to Paris and give life a go back there. It truly is a wonderful place and I completely understand your frustration at living out in the sticks. This must be drastically impacting your mental health. I live in a great city and it would kill me to move back to the small town of my youth. I couldn’t do it. You may feel less imprisoned in Paris with the options that it offers. I had my daughter at 40 and it was such a shock (and at times it still is, but she’s just turned 16). If I were you I would give Paris a go (for 6 months to a year) and that will help you decide if adoption is the best option.

Completely agree with posters re getting back to Paris, getting baby in nursery, returning to work and getting a bit of normality back!

Glad you've come back with an update, OP.

Have you had anymore thoughts to going back to Paris and work there?

Sending you a hug 🫂

I get out as much as taxis and the occasional walk allow.

@BrendaSouleyman I'd recommend going out for a walk every single day unless it's absolutely bucketing. Pick a destination like a cafe and head for it. Perhaps also set yourself a challenge like 5K steps and keep walking until you complete it.

Perhaps open adoption is the best course for you, but I'd also urge you to think about everything long-term as well. The baby phase is so short in terms of our lifespans, your son will be walking within months, then talking and developing his personality. Parenting becomes less overwhelming when you can communicate properly with them.

I was asked how I've been and I replied honestly. I wasn't being ridiculous.

I promise it gets easier and their needs less intense as they grow. Toddlers are also much more fun than babies and give much more back. The first thing I'd do before you do anything drastic like care or adoption is to go back to work. I remember going back to work and wandering round the M&S food hall at lunch on my own and just feeling so free being on my own. You will have nursery then so can take the odd day of work when you have childcare to be selfish and do what you fancy. I think moving to Paris would be very sensible, it will be such a fun city to raise a child in, if that's not possible then try and get a job where you are that covers the cost of childcare. It's easy to feel like you have no options and are stuck and everything is just difficult but you do have choices.

Ok, but why don't you move back to Paris and see how things go once you go back to work? You can't just return a baby once it's born because you think you're a "lone wolf". Many single mothers bring up kids and work full time (me included). You can't just wallow in self-pity and not do anything about it.

I remember reading your original post, and it struck me that you obviously enjoy the cosmopolitan city life… It must have been hard moving back to your smaller hometown/where your mother is. I find that when I visit my mum I revert to feeling frustrated etc, with her and with the scene there - because it feels very provincial and backward, but also I think being with my parent makes me with a bit how I was as a teenager!

I respect that your issue with being a parent is bigger than that, but I can’t help feeling that if you returned to Paris (or another big city) and so were able to hang out with other parents there and found your scene, you might feel so much happier.

Meeting other mums that I could spend time with, with the babies/kids, was such a lifesaver for me.

Babies are a tie but it does get easier as they get older. I’m a single woman, have always been a commitment phobe and completely panicked when I realised how much freedom was curtailed when I had dd.

Can you learn to drive? That would help.

I took dd on lots of trips, I used to just pack the car up and go on a road trip.

I absolutely want to return to Paris. In a sense, what I'm doing is trying to think of every possible outcome and trying to limit the negative impact (such as the fact its probably better to have a baby adopted rather than an older child). Given how much I'm struggling and the fact I thought things might have eased a little by now, I'm forecasting that things won't improve in the future. That might be a flawed logic but given that things haven't improved so far, that's where I am at.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I read your post just as I finished my driving lesson! Fourth lesson today - I quite enjoy it but find judging how much to steer to be hard.

I think people are being reassuring when they say to get easier, but I think it's more complicated than that, because as you said you've not been finding it easier.

Personally I find that it changes, rather than gets easier necessarily. What that means the challenges you have now will not be the same as the ones you have in 6 or 12 months. What one person finds hard another will not, which is why for pretty much every age you can find some people that say it's fine and other people that say it's the hardest.

As they get older you are definitely more places you can stash them if you need some time without them. If you're feeling claustrophobic that might help.

They start to give a lot more back, which is awesome and can make it feel more rewarding, but the more they can give ban the more annoying they can also be 🤪.

But how can things improve when you're still in exactly the same place and doing exactly the same things as before? Isn't it madness to keep doing the same things and expecting different results?

Also, do you really think your baby will remain a baby forever? Before you know it, they will be at nursery/school. They are not going to be with you 24/7 for long.

Would you consider going on a short trip to Paris with your little one now OP? Dont underestimate how much your change of physical location will be impacting how you are feeling, especially as you are unable to drive, most people would be feeling claustrophobic! Babies usually travel really well, you could rent an Air BnB for a few weeks or even a month and see if you feel any different being back in a city you know and love.

Re. The lone wolf description. You moved back to your hometown because you wanted your Mum's love and support so you're not really a lone wolf, are you, you need support from other people.

Yet you don't want to give love and support to your own child. That's not really how life works @BrendaSouleyman, we all need to give and take. At 44, perhaps it's time to accept that as you've created this child, you need to start giving to him. Your Mum may also need your support in the future.

Honestly I hated the first year of motherhood, the second year was substantially easier once the baby was more independent. From age 2 onwards things have been far better.

I wouldn't have coped without nursery though, having a job and 8 hours in a day to be "me" has been so good for my mental health. My maternity leave was absolutely awful - just endless drudgery and groundhog day having a colicky baby yell at me without any obvious triggers or ways to mitigate.

You have my sympathy OP. In your shoes, however, I'd move somewhere you actually want to live, get set up with a job that you find meaningful, and arrange good childcare that you can trust in. Carve out time to be you and be a little more selfish. You and the baby will both benefit from it 🌼