Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I really struggled with this when I first had mine. I had some pretty dark thoughts as well surrounding it which I won't go into but suffice to say PND sends your mind places you'd never thought you'd go.

I ACHED for my old life and properly grieved it. For ages I couldn't even look at photos of my pre-baby life as I was filled with so much regret. I was beyond jealous of those with a baby too.

I had gone through a lot of anxiety and depression before having a baby of the worry of not having one and had several miscarriages so it was quite a suprise to how I felt. But I think it's quite common I got told, to almost experience some sort of "crash" after having a baby so to put it. It did pass though of course as I went onto have a 2nd!

This totally resonates with me. Do you remember how long it took for the feeling to pass- or do you still get pangs of regret now from time to time? Thank you

Maybe about after a year? Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it did pass for me.

I do have occasions where I miss my old child free life. But my eldest is four now and the love of my life and I definitely don't regret it but it was a journey to get here and I was hospitalised in a mother and baby unit at one point.

I love my children and I'm a good mum, but I don't feel a natural mum. I'm not in love with motherhood, I feel the days drags sometimes, I don't love every minute and I need quite a lot of time on my own. But I am glad I had my children and don't regret them at a.

Thanks @Utopiaqueen for your honesty. Your post resonated with me because i also need a lot of time on my own. If there had been a mother and baby unit in N. Ireland, I'd have been hospitalised. There will be mother and baby unit in a couple of years time, thankfully for other mothers.

I posted on a single mother in France group on Facebook about moving back to Paris. I've been trying to line up childcare for later this year. It won't be around the clock but a place in nursery, I got a recommendation for a babysitter.... now I'm feeling discouraged because one single mother who lives in Paris replied to "strongly advise me not to return to Paris until the child is three" because babysitters and friends and single mothers groups are all fine and dandy but if the baby gets sick and I don't sleep for a week, the friends and single mothers group won't step in to look after the baby".

And that is something you need to consider.

Think about the support your mother provides and the ways in which she helps you and consider whether you are prepared to give that up.

The woman who made that comment to you may not have been very tactful but she’s right in that friends you make at baby groups or babysitters you get to know won’t be there to help you when you need a break in the same way your mum is.

Solo parenting is hard work and a lot of women do it, but when you already have the worries and anxieties that you do, you need to seriously consider whether leaving the one person who can fully support you whenever you need it is going to be in your best interests.

Things technically may get easier as your baby reaches 12-18 months old and their level of neediness is reduced, but they are still dependent on you and without a support system around you it can still be draining.

I used to thank God that when I was drowning, or exhausted, or unwell, that I could ring one of my parents (or in-laws) and ask if they could just watch my son for a few hours so I could get some sleep or have some time for myself etc, and then 20 minutes later they’d turn up.

I absolutely agree that if you think moving back to Paris is going to be beneficial for your mental health because it means you can reconnect with your old life then it’s worth considering, but please do balance those benefits against the potential negatives of not having any hands on support and the impact that may have on you.

I suppose it’s just a case of weighing everything up.

I think that is something important to consider. I must admit if my kids ever were unwell, I've never asked anyone to look after them though. Firstly I wouldn't want anyone to become ill themselves but also babies, toddlers only want their parents when unwell. I have though never "not slept for a week" when they have been unwell so hopefully take comfort in that.

I don't know what is like to be a solo parent or live abroad. But I did live with my parents for the first two years of my eldest life and the support was invaluable. But it was a slightly different set up in that I had my husband so we never expected (or asked) my mum to be doing night feeds etc, it was more the emotional support I valued and I also have amazing in-laws too so not everything was on my parents.

I know parent support is valuable but I'd also be mindful of your mums age, it must be exhausting for her. You might find you might have more support in Paris?

@Utopiaqueen Yes, I don't think it's common for grandparents to step in when a child is ill, you just muddle through. I'm guessing that your Mum is in her 70's @BrendaSouleyman as you're 44 so exposing her to all the bugs that a toddler picks up might not be the best idea!

babysitters and friends and single mothers groups are all fine and dandy but if the baby gets sick and I don't sleep for a week, the friends and single mothers group won't step in to look after the baby

In my experience, sick toddlers only want their mum anyway. I've never had any support around illnesses, that's a very, very brutal reality of parenthood.

To be honest, I am so unhappy here (in the small town). I am very grateful to my mother (who will be 73 in August, and she's quite fit) but she's exhausted- she helps to look after my sister's children and the house is always a mess. My mum also dislikes living here and longs to move house or even county. There are no cleaners for a bit of help with housework for her- I've tried asking around for one but in this small, working -class town, none to be had. That said, she would help of course if the baby were sick and she'll carry him when my back gets sore.
I feel like I've imprisoned myself.

Could you go to Paris and take your mum with you?

Yes, she said she'd come for a week or so, to help me get settled in. Not really for longer because she doesn't speak French, I've mentioned how small my place is, plus she looks after my sister's children.

I agree. There's one thing if maybe they have a bit of a cold. But I can't imagine handing my child if they had a bad fever, virus or vomiting/diarrhea to someone else to look after no matter how close a relative they were far less a babysitter or friend. Sick kids just want their parents, I do have family support but illness is always something me and my husband have dealt between us. I wouldn't want to put anyone at risk. As described just one of the more brutal realities of parenting.

I think the difficulty is more when you're ill, rather than them ill. Whilst it's possible others will help, they aren't obliged to, especially if it risky then catching it, and having another adult around, like a partner or for you, your mum really helps.

Managing a baby/toddler when you've got a d&v bug or the flu is hell.

he is 21 months :)

Also to concur with others when my little one has been sick I wouldn't leave him with someone else.

Having said that, i also want to say that he has been in nursery since he was 12 months and has only have a fever twice and he has never vomited/had a stomach bug yet. I think there were about 6 months where he basically had a new cold every 2 weeks, but you are still able to send them to nursery with a cold.

Some toddlers get sick constantly but I have been lucky with mine, I haven't needed more than two days off work so far

But to also add on, I have caught some bugs off him (with him being a carrier and blissfully unaffected!) and thats been tough, i had norovirus at christmas and my friend could only drop around some food for me. I (touch wood) have not been ill for a good few months now though, and he is already a lot easier to entertain now than at 16 months and his communication is really good so whilst it would still be horrible if I got norovirus again, it would not be as hard as then

Could you both move to Derry? Closer to your dad, bigger town.

If not now because of childcare guilt, then your mum should definitely move somewhere she enjoys once your sister's kids are all in school.

Hi Op, would you class yourself, generally, as a bit of a commitment-phobe? I ask this as I'm very like this. Any decision I make that has permanent consequences sends me into a panic and all I want to do is get away from it and am always full of regret. I have a serious need to feel free. A baby is so permanent that it stressed me so much once I had one. I was also deathly afraid of committing to a life without one. A rock and a hard place.
All I can say is it got so much better for me once my baby went from a purely dependent blob to a little person with a personality. That's when the fun part of parenting kicks in. It's never easy but it becomes really rewarding.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate the worst part of this journey you two are on.

@Grammarninja I would say yes!