Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

My friend coming in to see me and DD at hospital and promptly bursting into tears. I still tease her about that 7 years later.

The green and orange puke because of gas and air, that was weird yet so fascinating.

I told my DH that I could smell steak bakes and new pencil cases. I went into detail about the kind of pencil case I meant- those cheapo plasticy poundland ones that come with a pencil, sharpener, ruler... I then told him about all the pencil cases I'd ever owned in chronological order.

Know I think about it, the plastic smell was probably the gas and air mouthpiece, but the steak pies...?

Oh, when I went for a shower afterwards, I spent ages wiping down the bath and floor with wet loo roll as I was too embarrassed to leave the bathroom covered in blood. (Forgetting the state of the bed and floor in the delivery room!)

*now even.

cedarface
I'm weeping here

So excited that I've finally got a story to add here!

DD was ELCS for breech, the day before, during the pre-op, I gathered courage to ask the (rather cute) anaesthatist whether I should ahem tidy up downstairs, or if they'd do it for me. He went bright pink, and told me that unless it was "70's style down there" that I shouldn't worry.

Next day, wonderful CS, lots of smiles, baby on chest, very emotional. The same lovely anaesthetist leans over to tell me he's put the painkilling pessary in, "oh and by the way? The question you asked me yesterday? You didn't need to worry, it's ever so neat!"

Being left alone in the delivery room for a few minutes after the birth, with a cup of tea. Swigged it down gratefully then realised I was going to be sick. Couldn't find anything to spew into so sicked up into the cup

Not that I recall a lot of birth1 as I was quite high on everything that had been thrown at me (it was a very long labour), but my DH loves to tell everyone how I was whispering to him that I was mortified that I was sure I was going to poop in front of the clinician lead team. Apparently they found it quite funny too as I wasn't so quiet. I practically had a whole room reassuring me that I wasn't pooping, that giving birth did feel like you were pooping. Fun times!

Off my cake on gas and air and it made my voice go really weird. It made my DH laugh and I said whilst midwife was present 'Stop laughing at me just cos I sound like I am sucking cock'!!!! Obviously so embarrassed later on. I'm sure the midwife had heard worse. Mind you, I also thought there were kids outside the room playing clap hands!!!

I DO NOT talk like that in everyday life btw

I was saying i felt sick, the midwife assured me i wasn't going to be sick so to calm down.... Yep all over her.

Then when i was given my son covered in blood and poo "i'm not licking him clean" i read an awful lot of James Herriot during pregnancy.

Saucy, the doctor who confidently told me the gas would not make me throw up lived to regret that particular comment.

Ahh I loved my DDs birth! I was hooked to the drip and really needed a poo! The midwife got me a commode and I barked at everyone to get out so I could poo in peace... Well I was contracting every bloody minute so it was a massive struggle just sitting on the thing. All the while my DP & DM kept popping their heads in sayin "you done yet?! need any help" JUST FUCKKK OFF AND LET ME SHIT IN PEACE!!!!!

Ooh great thread!
My contribution was the midwife'd horrified face when my dog tried to eat my newly delivered placenta. Still makes me chuckle

Back ache at home, couldn't sleep. Got up and had a shower. DH came into the bathroom as I got out to see why I was up. Waters broke all over his feet and the floor.
We went up to the hospital a couple of hours later and I was 6 cm. Lots of walking around and then I decided I would have an epidural but it was too late.
Pushing and DH says 'D'you want half a ham sandwich love?'
Me ' No I am vegetarian .'. we have only been married 5 years

Bit later, DH ' Lu you're squeezing my hand really hard and it hurts'.
Me ' Oh fuck off. And I'm fucking telling you now if my fanjo falls out I am holding you entirely fucking responsible. And we are never ever having sex again. Have you got that?' I can only blame the gas and air for this. behaviour

Bit later, me ' I'm pooing myself.
Midwife 'No you aren't'
Me in a stage whisper 'I am, DH have a look at my bum. Is she lying? She's a liar, a poo liar isn't she' and apparently I giggled.

Was so out of it with pain during my induced labour that I removed my pessary, jumped on it then innocently told the disbelieving midwife it had fallen out. Not so funny at the time, but makes me giggle a bit now, It had previously come out when they'd put me in a bath (assume it went with my plug?) but they'd put it back in at my insistence

DH finds it hilarious that after I'd pushed the head out the MW said "well done, you've pushed out the head" and I said "Fuck, that was just the head?!"

Once DD was born DH phoned his parents, gave them all the details and measurements etc, his mother screamed "what is it?!" down the phone after he'd been whittering on a her for a good 10 minutes!

DH had to stop rubbing my back at one point because the completely insane position I'd got myself in on the bed meant it was hurting his knees, he got himself a fairly blue response to his complaint about his knees, and there is paracetamol packed in the bag especially for him this time round!

my eldest child had just been born by caesarian, so was fairly blue... my (now) ex said "errrr is he supposed to be that colour? He looks like a smurf!"

As the anaethestist came into the room to do pre c-section checks, a contraction began and I inadvertently rolled onto the tens handset setting it to full power, cue screaming from me and an incredibly concerned doctor until I managed to shout 'I'm sat on the tens machine' to my DH and he yanked it off the wires.

Another gas and air victim.....I asked my midwife who was male if he had any kids. He said no then started rabbiting on about his dogs saying they were just like children. I said 'well you didn't have to shoot them out of your ass did you?' My DH was mortified!

I live in a country where everyone is a footie fanatic (not UK) and when I was in labor this other woman was in a bed next to me (public health, don't ask), when the Dr tried to make conversation to make us feel more relaxed (?) he asked where we were from. We told him and turns out there are football teams from both our cities, so he started saying, "oh whoever has the baby first means their team wins!". Every time he came back to check on us he would say, "oh such and such team is winning, a couple more centimeters!".
I won.

Five weeks ago. Had waters broken in theatre then shipped to labour ward and put on drip to get labour started. After a few hours I was on gas and air solidly and pretty woozy. We had the radio on in the room, Magic FM was the station and I zoned in on the DJ presenting the news.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
DH: you ok?
Me: magic news! It's like fairy land!
DH and Midwife: what?
Me: lolz

I eventually told them that the DJ had announced "we're now going over to the magic news room for the headlines" which to my addled mind sounded like noddy would be next on the radio.

I don't remember laughing once. But I do remember the midwives laughing right at the end of a four day labour when I was pushing and pushing. I asked them what they were laughing about and they said "don't worry, you can have surgery".

They were taking about my piles...four days of labour wasn't fun.

They actually laughed. Never forgotten it and it was right after I had been told his breathing was up the swanny so I needed to get him out NOW.

Talk about the most inappropriate laugh ever. Chelsea & Westminster Hospital if anyone wants to avoid..

I realised I needed to lay off the gas and air when I was being stitched up and started giggling because it tickled.

Not funny at the time but the sheer look of panic on the midwifes face when she realised that when I said my breech baby was coming, she really was bloody coming! Had told me I was definitely not in labour for the previous 6 hours and then realised I very much was.

Then arguing with the anethiatist over how easy it is to sit still mid contraction with no pain relief whilst he stuck a huge needle in my back

Cannula came out at the same time as my waters broke leaving a bloody mess all over the bathroom of the induction room. Almost reached level of haemorrhaging so delivery room, bathroom, induction room and bathroom were covered in blood everywhere like a crime scene. Midwife who delivered said I would be remembered as 'the bloody lady'.