Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

[milktoothmayhem]

Like most people my labour was very painful. I normally hate the sound of crisps packets and anything in wrappers that make so much sound and this is why I hate going to the cinema because all you can hear is, fucking food wrappers and slurps. The chewing and scoffing sound pisses me off at normal times and I literally cannot stand it.

My sister was with me in birth. She was sitting in the corner scoffing her face with this never ending walkers crisps or don't know it felt like it was never ending while high on gas and air. During each contraction, I would take the gas and air and the sounds my sister was making with the wrapper and crunching felt like it was in slow motion irritating me more I couldn't concentrate as I felt like punching her, but I had no energy to go up there and physically do it. When the contraction ended, I shouted and said to the mw "take this pig away, this isn't a fucking picnic"
The Mw's face dropped lol and signalled to my sister to leave.

Later, I requested an epidural and was escorted to the maternity ward. The mw asked me if I wanted my sister and she'd make sure there will be no food and drinks this time 😂. My sister came back with a face like a slapped bottom lol. We still laugh about it though. I am a mean person but also very very nice and will go above and beyond for her, it's just I have certain things I have no tolerance to and no way when I'm in so much pain I would put up with it.

We drove to Germany last year pre covid and she came into the car with loads of snacks but she hid them. When she started scoffing her face on the M25, I stopped at the service station and threw the snack bag in the bin. I said no way I'm putting up with this for 8 hours and we haven't even left the fucking country yet 😂

[Whiskeylover45]

The look on DHs face shortly after he took my gas and air off me in the final stages of labour, as they had given me the epidural (which didn't bloody work) and I wasn't supposed to have both, when he realised from my look that I would take his life for it. He looked utterly terrified as he silently handed it back to me. Funny now but I really could have killed him at the time

[Ralphiemia]

Not me but a good friend was delivering a foot first baby, , foot was going cold and blue so MW put a bootie on the foot. After a safe delivery my friend and her DH giggled at the sight of a tiny little foot sticking out with a knitted bootie on xx good luck girls best feeling in the world xxx

[Tetrixxs]

Haha read through this thread laughing then realised I had read through it already in 2015 when pregnant with DS1.
I’m now snuggling 6 week old DS3!

DS1 - it was long & tiring so not funny. Had the epidural in the end, needed kiwi to help pull him out & as the dr pulled the kiwi off it whacked her on the head!

DS2 - again long & tiring. Distinctly remember wanting to kill myself because of the pain. When a dr came in to stitch me up after the episiotomy I said “oh wow, you were the dr with DS1” turns out it wasn’t the same dr and I sounded racist!

DS3 - nothing really funny either, I was determined not to push / eat / drink until I ‘had my epidural’ (the epidural didn’t work so I felt everything) so was trying to stop the pushing. They kept telling me to have the gas & air but I was screaming “it’s shit”. Was still waiting for my epidural to work when his head was nearly out.

[ReassureMee]

Sat and read all 34 pages! Such a great thread!

So with ds1, I was on antibiotics throughout labour, cannula fell out creating an absolute blood bath everywhere whilst I was wailing and throwing myself around and me thinking I was dying because of all the blood (or what it looked like anyway!) I thought it was coming from my fanjo 😂
Proceed to midwife who heard me and literally pinned me down on the bed shouting “GET ON YOUR GAS” me saying “no It’s making me feel sick” mw “NO USE IT PROPERLY”
Got stabbed with the pethedine to calm me down and had an epi.

So I feel drunk and pain free at last and said to my partner “everyone’s going to be down the pub without us you know we’ve gotta go soon”

[MrsLeclerc]

Love this thread!

Had a fast birth with DS, about 2hrs from first contraction to birth and they were so close together I couldn’t concentrate enough to use the G&A.

As DH and mw helped me out of the birthing pool she asked me to lie down so she could check if I needed stitches. My reply...”oh no I’m fine thank you” . Can’t even claim to be in a drugged haze. 2nd degree tear and I did need stitches!

[Houseofvelour]

The junior dr was a total bitch and kept rolling her eyes at me whenever I asked for any pain relief and it took her well over an hour to get me some.
I'd asked for an epidural so when the anaesthetist and his assistant came in, I gave them both kitkats and then looked at the dr and said "you're not fucking getting one" 😂🙈

[Butteredtoast55]

Not me but my friend, who was really close to delivery and in full flight pushing and screaming then, between contractions shouted to her DH who was at the business end ,
'Andy! Andy! Does this hair slide look silly?'

[Mamaelephant7]

Most recent birth- March just gone.
They got the consultant in to break my waters, which he done and then proceeded to fill in my notes, when the midwife said to him “do you want a sticker” (obviously the one with your name and d.o.b on in your notes), and I said oooh well done mate you popped my waters and now your getting a sticker for it!! Him, midwife and student midwife were howling! I then saw him once baby was out, and said she still hasn’t given you your sticker get onto her😁 I’m quite a delight up the labour ward I know most of them pretty well lol

[Emmylou1985]

Had to have the little suction cap (I'm sure there's a technical name for it) on DS' head when things got a little difficult. When I pushed, I heard and felt a pop! Ex, the midwife, the consultant and her student all burst out laughing. Meanwhile, I was screaming the place down thinking the pop had been DS' head exploding... The reality was that the push had caused the suction cap to come off his head and go flying across the room.

[whereislittleroo]

I laboured in water for my first birth. I had long hair at the time which took forever to dry properly and I hated sitting around with it wet. I also didn't want to be spending precious time drying my hair instead of cuddling my new baby. So naturally I wore a shower cap in the birthing pool. I got out to push, but didn't think to take it off until I was about to push her little head out. I panicked and yelled at everyone to take my shower cap off because I couldn't meet my baby looking like that. As if she would have noticed or cared.

[Maggiesfarm]

What I produced from rear bottom whilst pushing, something about which my husband delighted to tease me.

I now know it is a common occurrence, at the time I thought it was rare and never dreamed I would do it.

Anyway it was small and solid, quickly and easily removed as if nothing had happened!

[Jojodan]

Absolutely love this made me laugh

[Trinacham]

So my labour was very quick, there wasn't much time for anything comical to happen. But looking back, it is quite funny how I just carried on as normal whilst about to give birth 😅 (the hospital staff were amazed and said I must have a really high pain threshold)
My waters broke in public. We had just sat down and ordered a fry up in a pub, when I drenched their chair. This was at 11am.
We rushed home (after having notified the hospital, who said to come in for review in 3 hours time). I spent the next 2 hours packing my hospital bag (I had stuff laid out ready but wasn't packed), cleaning litter trays, changing bed sheets and general nesting (my husband and mum were with me helping and trying to get me to rest but I wouldn't!) all whilst having contractions! We thought we should start timing them as they seemed frequent. When we did, we realised they were 3 minutes apart! So by this point we realise we need to get to the hospital fast.
Turning up at the labour ward, we get given a room. We are told someone will be with us ASAP. We've been there about 45 minutes when my body begins to involuntary push and nobody has even seen me yet. My husband says he's going to find someone. It's about 14:45 by this point. They come in, I immediately say please can I have some gas and air! They then examine me, realising I'm fully dilated and ready to deliver the baby. Baby was swiftly born at 15:06 🤭

[hannsmum]

@lizbet316

After DS had been delivered and Epidural was wearing off I felt the need to wee
Me: I need to wee
Stroppy MW: No you don't - you're just getting confused with the feeling of the epidural
Me: No I really need to wee
(MW reluctantly got a bedpan lifted me onto it)
MW: err...can you stop weeing now, the pan is getting a bit full
Me: no I can't
MW ended up having to carry overflowing pan of bloody wee down the corridor

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 this killed me

[OgdensGoneNutFlake]

My first baby was an elective cesarean because he was breech.
They prepped everything in the Theatre (including giving me some excellent and very trippy drugs of some kind) and the last thing they did just before the operation began was to let my husband in to the room. Presumably he would have got in the way beforehand.

Instead of being pleased to see him, I'd somehow got it into my head that he was late and they were delaying the operation until he finally arrived (as I say, good drugs).

Poor chap walked in wearing his scrubs and terrified new dad face to me giving him a barrage of verbal abuse peppered with some VERY strong language about where he could go to since he was so f##king late, I'd do it in my own and so on.
Took me a good few minutes to believe the anaesthetist who was vouching that he'd been outside for the whole time.

[Habibihk8718]

I don’t want a baby lol tough luck pmsl

[Habibihk8718]

My birth wasn’t particularly funny in anyway very straightforward!!!
I do remember saying to my mum “I can’t believe I actually have a baby and it’s for life “ it’s like pregnancy and actually having a baby clicked however weird that sounds!

however I remember my sister trying to give birth and I told her her foofoo look liked a tulip and she couldn’t stop laughing throughout the breaths of agony lol

[CrabbitBastard]

The funniest thing about this thread is me posting the same birth story three times under different usernames
face palm

[MagentaCR]

Something that makes us laugh, but most people I tell about it since:
My girl got very stuck so they had to deliver with forceps. I was supposed to push at the same time they pulled, but on the first pull she was still rather stubbornly stuck, so rather than pulling her out it pulled me down the table, making me stop pushing and laugh (the epidural was very effective). Some midwives/nurses around were saying things like ‘that’s a new one’ and ‘that’s not supposed to happen’. For the next push I had at least 4 people holding my arms and shoulders, like a tug of war.

[Allmyarseandpeggymartin]

I had an emergency c section and DH came into the operating theatre in enormous scrubs and the teenyest, tiniest crocs you’ve ever seen.
I was laughing so much the anaesthetist told me off

[RosaBonheur]

I loved this thread when I was pregnant. Now I can contribute my own story. It is technically about trying to start labour but hopefully that still counts.

I was hoping for a VBAC (after a failed induction ending in EMCS the first time) and really wanted labour to start spontaneously. I had a sweep at 40 weeks which caused a few contractions, but then it all died down.

At 40+1 I begged my husband to have sex with me. He wasn't at all keen on sex during pregnancy because he felt weird about the fact that someone else was already in there. Anyway, eventually he agreed.

So we started having sex and suddenly he yelped. So I said, "What??" and he replied, "The baby just grabbed my dick!"

Of course I completely corpsed and it totally killed the moment. After a while he offered to go down on me to get me back in the mood again, but every time I thought about his stupid joke I cracked up laughing again. Finally he said that if I laughed again he'd have to give up, so I tried really really really hard not to laugh, and farted in his face!

I did go into labour a few hours later though.