Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

With DD1 screaming at DP to "STOP EATING THE FUCKING TOAST" mid contraction at the top of my lungs. We still giggle at each other when I hand him toast.

With DD2 shitting on the midwives shoe. Then the cannula fell out of my hand and I didn't realise and DP started shouting "it's fell out its fell out!!" Que everyone running in the room and me thinking I've popped the kid out. Nope!

Thinking I needed a number 2 when it was in fact the babies head!!😭

Saying I've changed my mind! I don't want a baby during labour with my first

I laugh now when I think of the consultant with his finger in my arse, saying "well, you've still got your sphincter".

My husband being absolutely clueless when I was pushing and just repeating EVERYTHING the midwife was saying.. and then sneaking gas and air every time they left!

Had planned on a low intervention natural birth (ha!). After having what felt like half the hospital having a look and poke around, but feeling pretty happy with life due to the awesome epidural drugs taking effect, DH very straight faced said to me "I don't think any of these people have read our birth plan".

DH can always make me laugh .

DD1- birth, over 2 hours to get epidural done...my midwife fainted, I got pinned down to get epidural done. The buzzer goes off and everyone races in...baby heart rate dropped, asked what do you want to do by doctor...I want a sandwich and Diet Coke and I will come back early tomorrow...no, do you want a EMCS...oh ok then! Having baby held up with "here's your baby" shouted...it was all just funny afterwards...DD2 I was all prepped and ready in theatre and there was an emergency lady in with twins so I had to wait again, ended up throwing my glasses at the doctor, saying I was going home and being a pain...completely not like me! Was not funny at the time...

DS1 was due on the Monday. Went to midwife appointment Thursday and was told was 3cm dilated. "Ooh how lovely you'll have a baby by midnight" the lying MW told me. Little sod didn't make an appearance till 9.10pm Friday.
Was in birthing pool at hospital all day, got out and put on drip as contractions had stopped. Went blind- lack of oxygen maybe? Trainee MW knocked over tray of instruments which clattered all over the floor. She was then told "no we can't use these now get some clean ones!"

With DS2 got to hospital at 10.30pm. Was in pool by midnight and had him at 2.10am. Was listening to Heart club classics on the radio as was Friday night into Saturday morning.

Apologies for old thread bumping but it's hilarious and scary the age of some of the babies now!

I only have one. The mw giving me and DP a funny look as inbetween contractions we were discussing finding out the sex of the next child!

And that was my first! Not had second one yet.

Looking at classics and decided to comment on this one..... after I had given birth the midwife who delivered my daughter had finished her shift so swapped with some poor woman who was left to stitch up the aftermath I had tore but not in the usual way, I had shredded my labia (TMI sorry) the second midwife walked in looked between my legs which were in stirrups and said.... well that's a nasty gash myself my DP and another midwife burst out laughing. Don't think she quite understood the insult!

When my baby had come out, I was having those lovely cuddles whilst the midwife did my stitches.
I carried on having gas and air which (while I was in the later stages of labour, felt like it wasn't doing much)
but because the worst pain was over, my husband says that I was as high as a kite, laughing, cracking jokes and being generally hilarious drunk but all he could see was loads of (my) blood gushing onto the midwife's crocs and it blew his mind that I was just taking it like a walk in the park as to him it looked like such a disturbing thing!

Arriving home with 12 hour old DS and Dd4 and Dd2, all our visitors who were coming to see us in hospital descended on us as we got out of the car. My DM and DF, MIL, FIL and Midwife arrived as we unlocked the door. I went straight upstairs to feed ds leaving DH to deal with everyone.
Cue knock on the bedroom door.
It was my DM asking 'Born, where do you keep your wedding dinner service? I want to make the Midwife a cup of tea and I want your China cups. Oh and have you got any more milk, yours in the fridge is out of date'.
Hang on mother, I'll just sprint to the local coop for you!!

I remember from birth of DS1, I was holding DH's hand during labour and when I squeezed it a bit too hard he said "ow, you're hurting me!", my response "if you think that fucking hurts ...... " let's just say, i wasn't too sympathetic!!!!

Waking up from a good sleep (I slept most of my labour) to hear a woman screaming I asked my midwife what her problem was as she had woken me up, midwife said “she’s in labour” I replied “so am I” and promptly went back to sleep

After I'd just finished a contraction DH arrived in delivery and I'd been given the gas and air. First thing out of my mouth was "hey honey, listen. Listen to this" (puffs on mouthpiece) "I sound like Darth Vader heehee"

due to have baby no#1 in 10 weeks and by god did this thead make me laugh!! cant blv its been going for over 10 years

Ooh I have a couple.

DS:Me asking MW if she can turn TV on.
MW: Er why hon?
Me: I'm missing Casualty.

Also DS: we got to hospital 4.30 pm when my waters broke. I realised in our haste to get to hospital (by bus!! Two buses away in established labour fgs) I had forgotten to bring the bag. Which had everything in it including notes. At 9.10pm DH had to rush back home on a Saturday night in October to get it. He walked back into the labour suite only to see me puke everywhere after far too much Entinox.

DD:

The Consultant Obstetric came to check me over. I thought he was "fit" (He actually IS!!). Cue much mirth when he said "Your cervix is behaving well." Happy on Entinox (no OD puking this time) and a shot of diamorphine, I quipped "Ooh that's jolly marvellous!" That was a running joke throughout labour.

After having DD (we didn't know sex of baby beforehand and she was CSection) asking DH what we have. DH: A baby...
Me: Oh. I was expecting a small elephant.

I amused the MW. And the.students when I started asking why loads of schoolkids were so interested in my muff...

After a 40 hour labour during which I contracted sepsis (so pretty out of it), they handed my baby for first skin contact and I shouted "Oh my god, it's a baby" followed very quickly with I'm going to be sick (and I was..... very)!

When I had DD, I was already aware my labour would be quick - my first arrived in less than 3 hours. But I wasn’t really prepared for just how quickly. I was induced, DH went home at 3am to get some sleep. I started getting tummy ache at 5am, dutifully text him telling him it’s starting and that I would let him know when I got moved to the labour ward. Thankfully, he took that as “please come now”, because by 5.10am I was in the labour ward, refusing to push. I’d forgot to text him, but wouldn’t push because he wasn’t there. I just kept yelling “WHERE’S Dan?!”. He finally appeared at 5.35, with a bottle of juice, wonderful, I thought! I’m very thirsty, squirt some in my mouth please, it was gross. I spat it across the room, bellowing “that tastes like SHIT” - no one was very impressed, but it makes us laugh now.
Then, when I did agree to push, I said in a very worried voice “there’s either a baby about to come out or a really big poo!” The midwife kindly said, “I think it’s your baby, you need to push”.
I did not push, I was too frightened because things had progressed too quickly for any pain relief. She was born with zero pushes at 5.50am. They were all a bit shocked when she just appeared on the bed while I was shaking my head, saying “I’m not pushing until you give me my epidural”

Dd1 partner had pasties and sausage rolls lined up on window sill occasionally saying are you sure you don’t want one.
Dd2 walking into hospital in advanced labour partner saying we will take the stairs as they said that was good in classes then telling me to stop stopping walking along corridor me saying you try fuc*g walking with this going on him saying I will just go get a parking ticket me saying hurry or you will miss it,I told the midwives I needed to push as I walked in they said I didn’t but they would look jeans down pants down baby out. Partner had rung my mum from car park (ticket said 7.28 he rang her back 7.32 to say she had been born

Also just thought I sat on a towel on our new sofas for weeks before dd1 was born,when my waters broke in the hospital my partner said never mind towels you needed a paddling pool

In labour 20 hours with DD, I was 40 wks +4 sat on the beach and went into labour. Went to the hospital and fell asleep at one point. When I woke up my now exp was reading, I'd been high on ga and must have still been out of It, I yelled "how dare you read while I'm in labour" hit the book and it flew across the room. He still has that book and still tells the story.

With DS I'd been induced mid afternoon and labour finally got going around 6pm so was moved to the delivery suite, closed my eyes while my DH went to make a call. Heard him come back in and take hold of my hand. I was murrmering and stroking his hand, opened my eyes and DH was still out of the room, I was stroking the mw's hand.

Ex "d" p in scrubs ... about two sizes too small

And my anaesthetist kept tripping over my iv cable and disconnecting it. I was so out of it he just made me giggle

Long induction over 4 days, once on the drip the consultant advised for no VE for 8 hours instead of the usual 4 to give chance for us to see some progression after nothing so far. 5 hours later I just screamed get my pants off me now. Shortly after MW announces DD head is out and I was hysterical asking is she ok? MW said it’s just her head, she’ll be born with next contraction and I was shouting is her head ok???!