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Funniest bit of childbirth
842

rachelhill · 12/01/2007 15:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

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jimmyjerry · 25/03/2022 02:17

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hannsmum · 28/01/2022 23:54

@lizbet316

After DS had been delivered and Epidural was wearing off I felt the need to wee
Me: I need to wee
Stroppy MW: No you don't - you're just getting confused with the feeling of the epidural
Me: No I really need to wee
(MW reluctantly got a bedpan lifted me onto it)
MW: err...can you stop weeing now, the pan is getting a bit full
Me: no I can't
MW ended up having to carry overflowing pan of bloody wee down the corridor

不不不不不 this killed me
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Trinacham · 27/01/2022 05:41

So my labour was very quick, there wasn't much time for anything comical to happen. But looking back, it is quite funny how I just carried on as normal whilst about to give birth (the hospital staff were amazed and said I must have a really high pain threshold)
My waters broke in public. We had just sat down and ordered a fry up in a pub, when I drenched their chair. This was at 11am.
We rushed home (after having notified the hospital, who said to come in for review in 3 hours time). I spent the next 2 hours packing my hospital bag (I had stuff laid out ready but wasn't packed), cleaning litter trays, changing bed sheets and general nesting (my husband and mum were with me helping and trying to get me to rest but I wouldn't!) all whilst having contractions! We thought we should start timing them as they seemed frequent. When we did, we realised they were 3 minutes apart! So by this point we realise we need to get to the hospital fast.
Turning up at the labour ward, we get given a room. We are told someone will be with us ASAP. We've been there about 45 minutes when my body begins to involuntary push and nobody has even seen me yet. My husband says he's going to find someone. It's about 14:45 by this point. They come in, I immediately say please can I have some gas and air! They then examine me, realising I'm fully dilated and ready to deliver the baby. Baby was swiftly born at 15:06 五

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Claradavid · 27/01/2022 04:06

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Jojodan · 19/01/2022 10:47

Absolutely love this made me laugh

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Maggiesfarm · 27/07/2021 12:49

What I produced from rear bottom whilst pushing, something about which my husband delighted to tease me.

I now know it is a common occurrence, at the time I thought it was rare and never dreamed I would do it.

Anyway it was small and solid, quickly and easily removed as if nothing had happened!

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whereislittleroo · 27/07/2021 12:42

I laboured in water for my first birth. I had long hair at the time which took forever to dry properly and I hated sitting around with it wet. I also didn't want to be spending precious time drying my hair instead of cuddling my new baby. So naturally I wore a shower cap in the birthing pool. I got out to push, but didn't think to take it off until I was about to push her little head out. I panicked and yelled at everyone to take my shower cap off because I couldn't meet my baby looking like that. As if she would have noticed or cared.

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Emmylou1985 · 11/07/2021 15:25

Had to have the little suction cap (I'm sure there's a technical name for it) on DS' head when things got a little difficult. When I pushed, I heard and felt a pop! Ex, the midwife, the consultant and her student all burst out laughing. Meanwhile, I was screaming the place down thinking the pop had been DS' head exploding... The reality was that the push had caused the suction cap to come off his head and go flying across the room.

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Mamaelephant7 · 28/06/2021 20:57

Most recent birth- March just gone.
They got the consultant in to break my waters, which he done and then proceeded to fill in my notes, when the midwife said to him do you want a sticker (obviously the one with your name and d.o.b on in your notes), and I said oooh well done mate you popped my waters and now your getting a sticker for it!! Him, midwife and student midwife were howling! I then saw him once baby was out, and said she still hasnt given you your sticker get onto her Im quite a delight up the labour ward I know most of them pretty well lol

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Butteredtoast55 · 28/06/2021 19:57

Not me but my friend, who was really close to delivery and in full flight pushing and screaming then, between contractions shouted to her DH who was at the business end ,
'Andy! Andy! Does this hair slide look silly?'

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Houseofvelour · 26/06/2021 11:57

The junior dr was a total bitch and kept rolling her eyes at me whenever I asked for any pain relief and it took her well over an hour to get me some.
I'd asked for an epidural so when the anaesthetist and his assistant came in, I gave them both kitkats and then looked at the dr and said "you're not fucking getting one"

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MrsLeclerc · 21/05/2021 12:34

Love this thread!

Had a fast birth with DS, about 2hrs from first contraction to birth and they were so close together I couldnt concentrate enough to use the G&A.

As DH and mw helped me out of the birthing pool she asked me to lie down so she could check if I needed stitches. My reply...oh no Im fine thank you Confused. Cant even claim to be in a drugged haze. 2nd degree tear and I did need stitches!

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ReassureMee · 10/05/2021 05:58

Sat and read all 34 pages! Such a great thread!

So with ds1, I was on antibiotics throughout labour, cannula fell out creating an absolute blood bath everywhere whilst I was wailing and throwing myself around and me thinking I was dying because of all the blood (or what it looked like anyway!) I thought it was coming from my fanjo
Proceed to midwife who heard me and literally pinned me down on the bed shouting GET ON YOUR GAS me saying no Its making me feel sick mw NO USE IT PROPERLY
Got stabbed with the pethedine to calm me down and had an epi.

So I feel drunk and pain free at last and said to my partner everyones going to be down the pub without us you know weve gotta go soon

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Tetrixxs · 08/05/2021 13:26

Haha read through this thread laughing then realised I had read through it already in 2015 when pregnant with DS1.
Im now snuggling 6 week old DS3!

DS1 - it was long & tiring so not funny. Had the epidural in the end, needed kiwi to help pull him out & as the dr pulled the kiwi off it whacked her on the head!

DS2 - again long & tiring. Distinctly remember wanting to kill myself because of the pain. When a dr came in to stitch me up after the episiotomy I said oh wow, you were the dr with DS1 turns out it wasnt the same dr and I sounded racist!

DS3 - nothing really funny either, I was determined not to push / eat / drink until I had my epidural (the epidural didnt work so I felt everything) so was trying to stop the pushing. They kept telling me to have the gas & air but I was screaming its shit. Was still waiting for my epidural to work when his head was nearly out. Envy

Funniest bit of childbirth
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Ralphiemia · 09/03/2021 21:25

Not me but a good friend was delivering a foot first baby, , foot was going cold and blue so MW put a bootie on the foot. After a safe delivery my friend and her DH giggled at the sight of a tiny little foot sticking out with a knitted bootie on xx good luck girls best feeling in the world xxx

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Whiskeylover45 · 03/03/2021 20:08

The look on DHs face shortly after he took my gas and air off me in the final stages of labour, as they had given me the epidural (which didn't bloody work) and I wasn't supposed to have both, when he realised from my look that I would take his life for it. He looked utterly terrified as he silently handed it back to me. Funny now but I really could have killed him at the time

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milktoothmayhem · 27/02/2021 12:17

Like most people my labour was very painful. I normally hate the sound of crisps packets and anything in wrappers that make so much sound and this is why I hate going to the cinema because all you can hear is, fucking food wrappers and slurps. The chewing and scoffing sound pisses me off at normal times and I literally cannot stand it.

My sister was with me in birth. She was sitting in the corner scoffing her face with this never ending walkers crisps or don't know it felt like it was never ending while high on gas and air. During each contraction, I would take the gas and air and the sounds my sister was making with the wrapper and crunching felt like it was in slow motion irritating me more I couldn't concentrate as I felt like punching her, but I had no energy to go up there and physically do it. When the contraction ended, I shouted and said to the mw "take this pig away, this isn't a fucking picnic" Blush
The Mw's face dropped lol and signalled to my sister to leave.

Later, I requested an epidural and was escorted to the maternity ward. The mw asked me if I wanted my sister and she'd make sure there will be no food and drinks this time . My sister came back with a face like a slapped bottom lol. We still laugh about it though. I am a mean person but also very very nice and will go above and beyond for her, it's just I have certain things I have no tolerance to and no way when I'm in so much pain I would put up with it.

We drove to Germany last year pre covid and she came into the car with loads of snacks but she hid them. When she started scoffing her face on the M25, I stopped at the service station and threw the snack bag in the bin. I said no way I'm putting up with this for 8 hours and we haven't even left the fucking country yet

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Apples6544 · 25/02/2021 14:22

Long induction over 4 days, once on the drip the consultant advised for no VE for 8 hours instead of the usual 4 to give chance for us to see some progression after nothing so far. 5 hours later I just screamed get my pants off me now. Shortly after MW announces DD head is out and I was hysterical asking is she ok? MW said its just her head, shell be born with next contraction and I was shouting is her head ok???! Blush

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GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby · 06/07/2020 19:31

Ex "d" p in scrubs ... about two sizes too small

And my anaesthetist kept tripping over my iv cable and disconnecting it. I was so out of it he just made me giggle

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Welshgal78 · 11/06/2020 17:32

In labour 20 hours with DD, I was 40 wks +4 sat on the beach and went into labour. Went to the hospital and fell asleep at one point. When I woke up my now exp was reading, I'd been high on ga and must have still been out of It, I yelled "how dare you read while I'm in labour" hit the book and it flew across the room. He still has that book and still tells the story.

With DS I'd been induced mid afternoon and labour finally got going around 6pm so was moved to the delivery suite, closed my eyes while my DH went to make a call. Heard him come back in and take hold of my hand. I was murrmering and stroking his hand, opened my eyes and DH was still out of the room, I was stroking the mw's hand.

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namechangeididtoo · 10/05/2020 15:17

Also just thought I sat on a towel on our new sofas for weeks before dd1 was born,when my waters broke in the hospital my partner said never mind towels you needed a paddling pool

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namechangeididtoo · 10/05/2020 14:36

Dd1 partner had pasties and sausage rolls lined up on window sill occasionally saying are you sure you dont want one.
Dd2 walking into hospital in advanced labour partner saying we will take the stairs as they said that was good in classes then telling me to stop stopping walking along corridor me saying you try fuc*g walking with this going on him saying I will just go get a parking ticket me saying hurry or you will miss it,I told the midwives I needed to push as I walked in they said I didnt but they would look jeans down pants down baby out. Partner had rung my mum from car park (ticket said 7.28 he rang her back 7.32 to say she had been born

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Littlemissamy · 29/02/2020 19:55

When I had DD, I was already aware my labour would be quick - my first arrived in less than 3 hours. But I wasnt really prepared for just how quickly. I was induced, DH went home at 3am to get some sleep. I started getting tummy ache at 5am, dutifully text him telling him its starting and that I would let him know when I got moved to the labour ward. Thankfully, he took that as please come now, because by 5.10am I was in the labour ward, refusing to push. Id forgot to text him, but wouldnt push because he wasnt there. I just kept yelling WHERES Dan?!. He finally appeared at 5.35, with a bottle of juice, wonderful, I thought! Im very thirsty, squirt some in my mouth please, it was gross. I spat it across the room, bellowing that tastes like SHIT - no one was very impressed, but it makes us laugh now.
Then, when I did agree to push, I said in a very worried voice theres either a baby about to come out or a really big poo! The midwife kindly said, I think its your baby, you need to push.
I did not push, I was too frightened because things had progressed too quickly for any pain relief. She was born with zero pushes at 5.50am. They were all a bit shocked when she just appeared on the bed while I was shaking my head, saying Im not pushing until you give me my epidural

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Pinkerbells · 29/02/2020 18:12

After a 40 hour labour during which I contracted sepsis (so pretty out of it), they handed my baby for first skin contact and I shouted "Oh my god, it's a baby" followed very quickly with I'm going to be sick (and I was..... very)!

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Hollanda40 · 02/07/2019 21:25

Ooh I have a couple.

DS:Me asking MW if she can turn TV on.
MW: Er why hon?
Me: I'm missing Casualty.

Also DS: we got to hospital 4.30 pm when my waters broke. I realised in our haste to get to hospital (by bus!! Two buses away in established labour fgs) I had forgotten to bring the bag. Which had everything in it including notes. At 9.10pm DH had to rush back home on a Saturday night in October to get it. He walked back into the labour suite only to see me puke everywhere after far too much Entinox.

DD:

The Consultant Obstetric came to check me over. I thought he was "fit" (He actually IS!!). Cue much mirth when he said "Your cervix is behaving well." Happy on Entinox (no OD puking this time) and a shot of diamorphine, I quipped "Ooh that's jolly marvellous!" That was a running joke throughout labour.

After having DD (we didn't know sex of baby beforehand and she was CSection) asking DH what we have. DH: A baby...
Me: Oh. I was expecting a small elephant.

I amused the MW. And the.students when I started asking why loads of schoolkids were so interested in my muff...Blush Confused Hmm

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