I think my baby must have a wonky widget

[McPhee]

because it never ruddy sleeps!! I've had possession of this tiny human for 11 weeks now. I thought maybe it was jetlagged, or had settling in issues. You know, like when you get a new freezer?

But...mine keeps running on maximum speed, but the battery doesn't seem to discharge at a 'normal' rate? Some bugger installed a dynamo in mine

Seriously. Is mine faulty?? Can I disconnect the Dynamo?

Does yours sleep, and if so how many hours during the day

I sometimes think the co-owner installs updates when I'm not looking. I certainly didn't request them.

Ingestion of a paracetamol based syrup whether they need it or not as soon as you have returned to the normal residence. That's what one of my many pirate user manuals says.

Yes OP, you will need lots of tissues and some method of comforting to hand. It's not nice... plus chocolate for you, to help you get over it. Ensure your little model's outer casing can be removed easily; you don't want to get caught out faffing around when the kick mode suddenly operates.

You will need your red book for this, to allow the techy people to make entries in it.

I wonder if I can herd my model out for such an update

I fear my leak mode may be kick started

Please can this go into classics? I've nearly wet myself laughing.

@Lifeisontheup

Please can this go into classics? I've nearly wet myself laughing.

Absolutely. (Me too!)

My baby is still faulty after 5 1/2 years.

It was doing well after the starting school update but now we have some bug known as being afraid of the dark. And waking up in the middle of the night.

Have tried rebooting and trying to run at full speed all day to wear down the faults but to no avail.

Someone told me the night waking ends about 11. So not too long to go now then

I think my v2 has a virus. That's why the sleep mode is malfunctioning!

Currently it is making him career up and down the landing, making pretend "toilet visits". Unfortunately the nearest technician has advised he is unable to help, although he has suggested the Santa "Bag of Bones" Program, but this seems a bit extreme.

Fortunately my other unit, the v1, seems unaffected.

I've had enough. Mine is definitely broken. I specifically ordered one which went into standby from 7pm to 7am. It only did that for a few weeks then it broke. It gets the 'weaning' upgrade next so msybe that will help? Although I have heard that that upgrade can cause a malfunction in the waste extraction port.

I'm not impressed, it looks nice and is very snuggly but, frankly, completely impractical. You just can't get the workmanship these days

you need the latest update 99.7.6.5.4.3.11.33.help!

otherwise know as earplugs!

My V.4 was nearly returned for a refund because she needed constant recharging and produced a high-pitched noise when un-docked from the two recharging points. She usually managed to shutdown fairly successfully at night .

V.2 performed well on getting him home from the shop but quickly developed faults. We had to let the battery discharge completely a few times - the system made an awfully shrill, high-pitched/ grating noise while this was going on but I am pleased we stuck with it as it now seems to perform better as a unit. Some people venture that this method can cause malfunctions of the cognitive circuitry further down the line but I really don't buy it.

I have a 2000 model - something wrong with the memory chip - I tell him to do something then he forgets what he is supposed to do .

However the sleep function works great now .

There's fine print written on the soles of my N8TY2.5: "This child has been manufactured with the greatest care but without the slightest regard for parental aspirations. Any perceived faults in the behaviour of this child merely reflect its uniqueness and will not give rise to any claim for a return or replacement. The manufacturer excludes all liability arising from mental exhaustion, sleep deprivation, constant whining, public tantrums, damage to property involving puke, wee, poo (including but not limited to exploding nappies), biting, damage to property involving indelible crayons, play-doh, objects thrown at family members or pets, violated flat screen TVs or anything manufactured by the Apple company. WARNING: caring for young children has been associated with headaches, loss of libido, financial strain, unexplained emotional outbursts, marital strain, premature greyness and balding. CARE INSTRUCTIONS: Approach with caution after nap time. Never, ever, feed a bottle after midnight."

Guess I should have read that before we drove home from the hospital.

Washing instructions are a bit dodgy - I can't see where it says 'drip dry only' - mine forget what a towel is for and rip dry on the landing !

I had to do that with my first model, narmada. It was a very stressful two years and certainly clogged up my circuitry - I'm still not quite recovered from that time and need frequent shut-downs.

How ironic that now my v1 7.0 is in standby and has been for some hours, being one, who, before leaving the battery to fully discharge, would perform complicated manoeuvres such as the BabyGate Vault and the WoodenFloorHeadBash.

And it is the newer v2, who spent 75% of available time in Sleep Mode, switching on only for refuelling and waste extraction from the bottom port, who is now causing epic stress when required to shutdown for the overnight stint I reckon someone's pulled the plug on him thoughssh

I have a problem.

V1 (5.0 model) has an error which prevents it from staying still for more than 5 minutes unless you run the CBeebies program. We had an external error with the 5CH.00L upgrade so that has been delayed for some weeks. Both myself and the other owner are knackered, despite help from Customer Services.

V2 (1.1 model) is lovely but has volume problem, it's set too high despite having looked all over for the button. Volume lowers when we insert foodstuffs into the top port, however it has just upgraded to the walking model, and gets frustrated because it doesn't have the "open door" app.

Yet, somehow, I am still considering V3? Does anyone have any feedback - does V3 help with V1 and V2 or does it just complicate matters? I would also be getting V3 from the same place as V1 and V2, as I have a loyalty points card. Is V3 easier after the experience of V1 and V2?

My last model came on a BOGOF offer. They're the 1.3 model and one of each variety. For the first 9mths just when we think we'd fixed one the other went and broke/malfunctioned. Thankfully they seem to be working pretty much in time now but I certanly dont remember ordering the 'drama queen' variety for the female version and the manufacturer is deniying all knowledge of any mistakes and excepts no liability.

I also have the 2.5, 8.2, 11(nxt wk) and 12.7 versions. Ive had pretty much all the faults over the years but they do fix themselves (eventualy). Hardest fault to date is one 12.7 yr old developed 4 mths ago. Her moody and emotional buttons have been malfunctioning a bit lately and nothing we do stops it..... somtimes a cuddle helps but you have to watch you dont knock the foot stamping and door slamming button( that can be quite a sensitive one). But with a little help from google we have been reasured that this is only a temporary fault and will fix itself with a bit of patience and understanding.

Mine has developed a blockage and it's making an awful coughing sound tonight.

It splutters, whines, cries then screams. Yep. Def faulty. I'll be calling the recall centre in the morning to see if we need to do any maintenance to get it back to full working order. Thankfully I wont be alone. There's normally other models in there, also waiting for maintenance. I just hope that really loud, stampy one is feeling better....I wanted to disconnect his wiring

I'm not convinced it's what was promised in the nice shiny brochures

BOGOF

PMSL

I've just realised this has made it in to classics

My v1 (17.0 model) seems to have a problem with the battery. I have to leave it on recharge until lunchtime but then it won't go into standby until midnight.
It also seems to require far more add-ons than it did initially and I'm quite ticked off that these weren't mentioned in the sales brochure.
My v2 (15.0 model) has a better battery life but requires constant refuelling.

I never thought to extend the warranty on mine. It worked FINE all the way up until the expiry date and has now malfunctioned. I have tried to pass it on for servicing but they don't appear to be able to deal with this particular model

I have 3 antique models dating from 1980- 1985.
V2 has ,over the last 2 years , divided and reproduced twice thus forcing the original owner into "NuttyNana" mode. V2/1 ( 2010) was delivered exactly 2 years ago today which requires copious amounts of coloured sugar materials to be inserted into top port whilst the extended owner group emit audible droning of something which resembles " nappy bath day 2 dew" repeated at frequent intervals throughout the day .
V2/2 has only been unwrapped for 4 weeks but malfunctions in sleep mode and seems to have cloned V2 faulty volume control and needs frequent recharging from V2 refuelling points.
Co-owner of V2/1 and V2/2 has ,according to V2 , developed serious hearing disfunction during hours of darkness and is in danger of being dismantled with a sharp implement .
I can report that neither V1 nor V3 are showing any signs of interlocking with other models and dividing or reproducing so this doesn't seem to be an age related function. Although interweb research seems to indicate that interlocking may well be taking place in stealth mode in other locations.

First time I've reported a thread to ask for it to go into classics and it's happened!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pleased

Recall are expecting my model at ten o'clock. I'm hoping for just a quick service or MOT. Nothing is due for an upgrade just yet, it's more than likely a loose cable.