I think my baby must have a wonky widget

[McPhee]

because it never ruddy sleeps!! I've had possession of this tiny human for 11 weeks now. I thought maybe it was jetlagged, or had settling in issues. You know, like when you get a new freezer?

But...mine keeps running on maximum speed, but the battery doesn't seem to discharge at a 'normal' rate? Some bugger installed a dynamo in mine

Seriously. Is mine faulty?? Can I disconnect the Dynamo?

Does yours sleep, and if so how many hours during the day

Mine is using its top port hole and is watching the moving pictures box.

It doesn't seem to be reacting and its listening to owner function seems to be malfunctioning at the moment. I think the moving picture box must interfere with the hearing ports on it.

Mine did the infuriating thing that they all do - of working perfectly when the expert was available (in nursery, sleeping on cushions at the side) but still malfunctioning when in operation at home.

This now appears to be undergoing a transformation so that rather than 'shut down' we appear to have a temporary shut down followed by restart when illumination is rekindled and further input (The Beano, Tintin, The Phoenix and the Carpet etc) is partaken. This leads to adverse operational capacity the following day.

Unfortunately I have yet to find the volume control, it must have dropped off or been hidden extremely well as my 7.5 version is still very loud. And the upgrades available can't keep up and I'm now at least 2 years ahead, having to buy version 10.

I have two similar models and both are set to auto update. The updates are a bit of a mixed bag tbh and there's no way of installing a previous version. V17.11 is going well so far but I'm dreading v18 which is due next month.

Both mine whined in the early years and seemed to make strange jerky movements at unexpected times but this has settled into long periods of inactivity and the need for frequent charging.

I never got my user manual and I don't think the extended warranty is worth the paper its written on.

Yes, SP, chocolate appears to be the favoured input. It does work well but only for a limited time. Its intake is tremendous and would be continuous if not watched. I missed the boat with the MMFruit! program and it will not upload this program no matter how I try to install it.

That is the v2. I have an older v1 but it tends to make shrill noises mostly when the moving picture box shows repetitions of brightly coloured (red with white pixels added, mostly) plastic artifacts. (The MMFruit! program was a success in this model)

My trouble is that the supplying company went bust early on - due to lack of sleep I think. Now have 5.8 version that has hardly stopped making noise and mess 12 hours a day for 4 years. Sometimes it doesn't even draw breath. Sleep function in comparison (or faulty memory) was faultless. Next step it starts to take over your Tv and computer too

This made discussion of the day

It must be a slow news week

widowWadman are you sure you haven't accidently been given a tiny tears

My model managed a total shutdown last night. Now I've raised my expectations haven't I We're currently going through a partial re-boot though, so fingers crossed everything still configures upon re-start

Mines back on stand by but think bottom port is releasing waste.

Fruit function only works once then fails.

If any one is up for a trade I will swap my 2.11 model for the feline model.

I can't control the speed on my v2. There may be a problem with the alternator. It goes haywire whenever it's taken out of its box- so fast that it actually manages to climb the walls. It often does this in stealth mode, too, so I have to keep it in sight at all times.

On the plus side, when not in stealth mode it makes a lovely noise.

Fanjo - I have the feline model. It has defective case and deposits fluff everywhere.
The snooze function has an auto GPS for the softest location.
It also has fridge door opening radar which overides the snooze function.

Sounds better the the 2.10 droid I have

It deposits small brick like pieces around and small auto mobiles.

SonotKylie - Mine have taken over the TV and computer already. There is no hope. My v2 5.1 is quite a slothful model anyway, needs more perambulatory output.

My v1 2006 model had a faulty 'sleep mode' until it was 4 - the v2 2009 model seems to perform better on this front, however, both seem to have severe volume control issues.

Oh, and does anyone know where the fuel gauge is in the compact models?

I think it is up at the top but not entirely sure. I haven't found it yet and mine nearly a 3.00

My version 2.5 is having download issues - fine on kitchen floor, instantly stops functioning on potty. Anyone know the helpline number?

Also, have put in an order for companion model, and the website keeps asking me to enter my credit card details but I haven't had my order confirmed yet, which is worrying. Though on the plus side I won't have to take delivery for a while.

Hilarious thread!

My v1 1.5 has since 6 months of ownership been excellent at switching off for naps or at night time. I really can't complain about that function. However, there seems to be ongoing issues with fueling and emissions (solid, liquid and gaseous).

I haven't found the fuel gauge yet. It flummoxes me completely, to be perfectly honest. One minute the 1.5 is running along fine, making all sorts of happy noises, and the next it has broken down because it is in dire need of fuel. This can only be solved by instant refueling. It is not sufficient to wait 5 or even 2 minutes.

Mine also seems to have a great deal of emissions. Mostly of the solid or partially solid type. I use the 'Pampers' Add-on and change it regularly, but this doesn't seem to be good enough. We still end up with rehydrated raisins down its legs and over the floor. Maybe I'm using the wrong mix of fuel types. Surely these lower port explosions should have stopped by now.

I'm not at all clear why we're considering getting a v2.

I need help.

My v1 12 month old model is emitting a constant whining noise. Am I just outside the warranty period now?

I have only had the v2 model since the 13th and already it has got stuck in the 'on' position.

Jdub I have similar versions and experiences.

Except things may be getting worse as the volume control issues seem to be spreading to the operator, which I fear may seriously malfunction unless the original defects are corrected or gin administered pronto.

I've just downloaded the Teething and Common Cold updates. They seem to be causing horrific interference with the Sleep programme and we're getting a frequent periodic 'wah-wah-WAH' combined with a constant emission of ectoplasm. Engineer said it was a drool/snot hybrid.

I did not realise what was wrong with my 2007 v4.11 model until I rang the helpdesk. I was concerned about the constant high-pitched whine. The co-owner had no useful suggestions at all.

Rob from the helpdesk informed me that i have made a classic beginners error by attempting to resolve the issue through a reboot or fuel injection. This has been wrong. What i needed to do was reboot and refuel MYELF. This has now worked.

Very old models here, both developing serious communication problems and time keeping issues. No trade in value but lots of interest from collectors with an eye to the curved design of the older model

Sometimes there is a reset button at the back. Try it first before you think of getting a new one. That's the mistake we made with the tumble dryer. Bought a new one and then found the switch. Once you've bought the new one it's too late and you have to get rid of the old one. Our first model you could count on one hand the minutes he slept in a day. The second you could count the minutes she was awake in the day.

My 1.7 version emitted a foul smelling liquid from its mouth yesterday. And then refused to go into standby mode. And the 4.10 version is also doing the whining thing - seems to be a common problem. Maybe time to lodge a complaint with the ombudsman.

My model seems to have uploaded a program called "The computer is MINE". I cannot shake its belief in this issue. It seems prone to developing these strange programs. Could it have been infected with some kind of malware? Its little circuits blow when I try to uninstall these notions - others are "I Want Another Ride On The Carousel" and "I Need An Ice-Cream". I definitely don't remember installing updates like that!

I hope all models young and old are behaving themselves tonight

Apparently my model is due for some outside maintenance in two weeks, involving some sharp implement

Is there any preparation needed before the event?