We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

It’s his debt that’s costing you money.

He really should do the food shop, yes. I think that really would help things, and not just once but for a few months.

235 is not ridiculous. If you want help with reducing further then happy to advise but that's less than 1.50 per person per meal, ignoring nappies etc even.

I'm surprised that you are surprised you are skint. I mean 6 kids? C'mon!

Tell him to do the food shop if he thinks he could do it cheaper/better. And it doesn’t count if he deliberately omits things from the shop to save money. Have him write a list of what’s needed and tell him to get exactly that and see how much better he does.

Also I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have 6 kids between you. Kids are expensive and you each had 2 children anyway and then decided to have 2 more and you're shocked you have no money?

The first sentence told me the answer. 6 kids!

You've got six kids and one of you is either working part time or in a minimum wage job.

For 6 people / no that’s not a mad weekly spend with all the household stuff as well - you might be able to do less if you go fully veggie - try it and see how he reacts . Or send him food shopping and making meals for the next month so he can show you how it’s done

or you make a full break down of everything

5000

500 debt - so that’s his debt - and should come out of his normal spending allowance giving you also 500 a month for you
1000 on food
1500 in basic bills and mortgage ?
And talk it through like adults

I mean you will have to drive this if he’s paying for debt he isn’t the best money manager is he ?

It's usually better and less fraught to pay everything into a joint account from which all bills are paid, and then pay each of you equal amounts out for spending money. So whatever you both agree as personal spends, say, 150, and equal, and pay that out like a bill on the first of the month.

Then you can see the fixed expenses really clearly and you don't need to argue about it. If you have a food budget of, say, three pounds per person per meal, which is the "moderate average" budget in the UK, you can pay that like a bill and budget approx 9k per year on food. And so on.

It's easier when you look at the whole income to plan with.

You need to get on top of your budget and spending before you can make any assumptions.

Get all your account statements for the past year (or even 3 months for starters) and track every single penny that comes in and out for both of you.

After that you need to go through every expense and decide if it’s a need (rent) or a want (airfix paint). The needs all have to be budgeted for first every month…then you need to look at setting aside an emergency fund. Then clear any outstanding debt.

While you do that you need to continue to track every penny.

Six children
Maintenance
Debt

The food shopping is reasonable. Take him with you to see the actual prices.

As others are saying the answer is you’ve got 6 kids. You chose to have the last 2 during rampant inflation, knowing that overtime pay is not guaranteed. From your net pay you appear to work part time. You have also presumably had to fund 2 periods of maternity leave in quick succession (is that the cause of the debt?)

of course you’re going to be skint, and no you can’t afford hobbies and luxuries

I'm constantly surprised on here that people don't seem to understand that having multiple children is a LUXURY (financially speaking) that you have to really weigh up if you can afford it before having them (and yes, part of that consideration should have been if his children suddenly needed up living with you full time as that's always a "risk"/chance if a person has children). I can't imagine many people people with 2 children each already would think it makes sense to have another 2 together.

I actually think this could be rage bait as it seems so clearly ridiculous...

But if it is not, then of course you're not spending too much if you're paying for 8 people and have a £235 weekly shop. Groceries etc are expensive. I agree you need to sit down with him and go through all the expenditure and what you earn and you probably ought to just have it all from one joint account

If he is such an expert, let him do the food shop and meal plan. Obviously the debt doesn’t help and no it’s not fair if he has extra money for himself. I would suggest listing ALL of your outgoings and seeing if you can make any changes.

You’ve been together 6 yrs and he still has debt that costs £500 per month so why on earth did you add another 2 kids to this mix ? FWIW £235 isn’t bad for a food bill for 8 people but you need to both sit down go through your finances and work out exactly what your outgoings are . Is there anyway of reducing his debt , has he spoken to a debt advisory charity or citizens advice ? Are you sure that he isn’t increasing his debt ?

I think this is normal for many families in the UK these days.

I think your partner would benefit from looking at an itemised bill from a couple of grocery shops and going onto a supermarket website to see where he thinks savings could be made. He might have some useful ideas or he might realise that he's being unrealistic.

He should also have a monthly budget for airfix and not go past it. Regardless of what other things he isn't spending money on, it's an obvious thing to reduce.

Sitting down together to look at your money and spending as a whole should be really beneficial.

Let him do the shopping and cooking !

This

You have 6 kids? Right, well it's not really surprising is it. That is a hell of a lot of DC and they're expensive.

You've got 6 kids. This is why most people don't have 6 kids.

He spends £500 on debt and £50 on airfix and you are the problem??? (And while you have 6 kids you are going to be skint)

You need to start by being open with each other about your seperate accounts.

Have you sat down and tried to budget?

With six kids might you be eligible for Universal Credit? I'd certainly suggest looking at turn2us's calculator or calling Help to Claim.

Have you been through all your outgoings?

Looked at all direct debits and cancelled any subscriptions you don't use or don't get value from.

Can he consolidate his debts?

Are you on the best tariffs for fuel and have you checked on Social Tariffs for water?

You should pool finances and have the same disposable spending money each after everything else is accounted for.

Six kids is where it’s going though…

Obviously I know kids are expensive lol I’m not thick. But we werent struggling like this before his girls moved in, and I’m not saying they shouldnt be here, they are his kids. It’s more that whenever I bring up money he just says it’s my spending and I need to cut back. Like the food shop is the problem but his own spending doesnt seem to count because its his hobby. I know we need to sit down and go through everything properly but it’s a bit unfair to act like it’s all me.

I think you can save if you don't buy non food items from the supermarket

Stuff like cleaning products, shampoo, loo roll can all be cheaper at home bargains or savers i think rather than tesco unless it's on offer or you do your shop at lidl

But I would agree the main issue is DH's debt and the fact you have 6 kids

You do need a joint account. All your pay should go in and you each get a fixed sum for yourselves to your own accounts. That way you can hopefully build up some joint savings.