We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

Along with everything else, this is really worrying:

His debt is mostly credit cards, he just sticks things on them and then pays them off a bit at a time but then more goes on and it mounts up again.

Because people who do that end up paying loads of interest without actually tackling the debt, they can be in debt for years that's costing them thousands on interest.

Plus as a parent he doesn't get hobby money when money is so tight. £235 is probably below average for groceries for such a large family. The absent mother needs to get a job and pay maintenance too. Are you at least getting their child benefit?

You need to systematically review all your finances and see what position you're in as a family. Is the debt building up because income doesn't cover essentials or is he spending on stuff for himself? Are you entitled to any UC, you might be due to the 6 DC and rent.

Have a look at:

Free debt advice: what to do & where to get help - MSE

If it turns out that you have little or no disposable income after paying normal household expenses including a sustainable grocery budget, also including things like school clothes, he might need formal help like a debt relief order.

Also try and manage your shared expenses jointly. He pays bills, she pays groceries and child costs is almost always unfair on the woman when she works part time around DC.

How are you fitting 6 kids into a 3 bed house?

Agree with others on this one - you need to hand responsibility for the food shop to him immediately. If he thinks he can do better, give him the opportunity to show you how easy it is.

But if he is hopeless with budgeting the odds are he will overspend and they will have FOOD on the credit card as well.

Of course if her husband is financially abusing her then shared accounts are not a good solution. But the solution then is divorce, not a budget.

This is the problem.he should be putting more money towards the food bill ! Their his girls so he needs to help pay towards the food !
If he has a £500 pound debt each month he should not be spending extra on hobbies he forfeited this right when he got in debt sorry if this is harsh !
And honestly if u have a big enough freezer maybe batch cook and add lots of veg to make portions bigger and that would save money for the week after !
There's only me and hubbi at home now so when I make a dish I don't know how but I always end up making enough for 4 so instead of eating to much I've been popping the extras portions in the freezer and then next week my food shopping is alot lower plus less cooking for 1 week !!
Hope this helps x

That's what I was wondering!

Why are you so surprised you're short of money? You have six children and your husband has expensive hobbies.

My friend's husband had that soldier figure painting hobby, but when they had kids he stopped. It can cost a small fortune.

But yeah, 6 kids..

I think if you are working with 6 kids, 2 very little, and have welcomed in your DHs girls as you have, then money aside, you are doing very much better than most of us could.
You do need a joint housekeeping and bills account though, and to sort out that debt.

Also wanted to add !
My DH was shocked by our weekly shopping bill until I showed him the receipt!
Obviously he never does the food shop so he doesn't actually see real.time how almost everything in the supermarket have trebled since the 90's lol 😁
Hahaha we thought it wud be cheap when the kids left home No such luck !
Also it's not fair u go to work and u can't treat yourself that needs to be sorted asap x

This is good advice. Then you need to have a good financial plan moving forward. The 6 children aren't going to get any cheaper or eat less. Teenagers get very costly! Have a proper detailed conversation and decide how to move forward.

When I got divorced, I sat down and made a spreadsheet of all expenses.

As others have said, go through all bank accounts and make a note of the monthly essentials: debt repayments, mortgage, council tax, bills etc.

I would also look at other less regular costs (if you pay them annually) like car service, insurance, Christmas, DC's birthdays, TV licence, and work out what budget you allocate them over the year then divide by 12 and put it aside each month.

Don't forget to include things like petrol or commuting costs in your general budget. Even if you're not buying anything extravagant, when you see all the unavoidable costs written down and added up, you will see how much you actually have left for hobbies and fun. And it will probably shock you how little that is.

A joint account will help most. You each pay a share directly there each month, and all the necessities go straight back out. All the other bits into pots. E.g. if you use Monzo as your joint account, you can have a separate pot for each DC's birthday. If you put in a fiver each a month then you'll have £60 when the birthday comes around.

Immediately after my divorce, I had a pot for literally everything, including the hairdresser, so that whatever I had left (very little, often nothing) was definitely available for spending.

I've seen my supermarket shop get up to £100 some weeks for me and two teens, so I don't think your shopping sounds excessive. Groceries are really expensive these days.

My XH used to question spending because I managed all the household stuff and he just didn't know what things cost. My DP is a single dad and so much more aware of these things. It's easy to lose sight of costs when you're not managing them.

Your DH needs to take more responsibility for knowing what your outgoings are and what it costs to feed the household.

You have 6 kids and debt repayment takes a big chunk of your income. 5k take home is not much for a family of 8.

Believe it or not but some children share bedrooms. They also often sleep in single beds and even bunk beds.

Sometimes parents use the living room as a bedroom, which would give them 3 x 2 DC per room instead of 2 x 3 DC per room, but either is a possibility.

@MoonlitMabel How is your rent so low? SH or private rent?

That’s what I was thinking and to choose to have 2 more when you already had 4 in a 3 bed.

That’s hardly their issue is it? Fundamentally they don’t earn enough or have a handle on their finances.

Have a look at this budget planner. Download it and sit down with your husband put in ALL the spending for the household, using receipts or bank statements so it's actually realistic not a guess. You can average out things that vary like food. Include his hobby expenses and debt repayments..
Budget Planner: how to manage your money - MoneySavingExpert

That will help you both see where the money goes and where some cutbacks might be made.

It would really annoy me him having a go about food shop when he's wasting money on a hobby and paying back debt he chose to incur.

Also his ex should be paying maintenance, why has not made a claim through Child Support?

The 3 girls have the biggest room with a bunk bed and a single bed. DS11 has his own room technically, although DS2 has a bed in there as well but he gets in with us anyway every night and his toys are downstairs. DD8 months is still in with us too.

It’s not ideal obviously and we know it’s crowded, but we are making it work for now.

Not really sure what it’s got to do with where the money is going though, I asked about our finances not for people to judge the house.

@MoonlitMabel
Still can't figure out how you rent is so low for a 3-bed?

Like others say, you need a plan.

Firstly check you are claiming everything the you’re entitled to. Entitledto.co.uk should give you an idea.

Then, sit down and create a budget. For the next couple of months log every single spend on it so you can see what’s going where and where you can cut back.

Finally, get a joint account. Everything in one pot, all bills and necessities come out of that. Once everything has gone out, split whatever is left into savings and an equal amount of “fun” money each.

Have you looked at claiming universal credit Op? With 6 kids living with you and paying rent there’s a reasonable chance you’d be eligible. Then you’d also get free school meals. Its not a popular suggestion on here but its worth a look

I don’t think £235 is a lot for 7 people plus baby.

Why are you so interested that you’ve posted twice to ask?

@ItsPickleRick I await her response...