We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

£235 is a lot for a weekly food shop but you are buying for 8 of you so makes sense. I probably pay half of that for 4.

You have a decent but not that high salary. But the debt payment are high and impact your available spending money and you have a lot of kids.

I agree. The children are a big part of the picture of impecuniosity, and they were at some point a decision.

The strong implication seems to be that they could have afforded four had the other two not moved in, but a decision about later children should never have been taken without factoring in that possibility. Once you are a parent, you are a parent.

Ok, let's not mention the kids as having as many kids as you want is an inalienable human right.
And you can't send them back..Always trotted out on MN.

The fact this man is buying plastic airplane stuff and is telling you you could have gone without getting the nappies in is nothing short of irresponsible.

You've miscounted @MoonlitMabel you have 7 children.

What kind of grown man, knowing he has debt, and 6 children to look after, spends on his own hobbies and criticises a purchase of nappies.

No thanks. Id rather be without a dead weight.

What an awful awful mess and you have an unsupportive and clueless husband. Geezus

Your shopping bill seems pretty reasonable for 2 adults and 6 kids so I don't think you can shave anything off that.

Re your partners credit card bills, does he have a zero percent interest one. If not, he needs to switch over, and preferably one with a 1% minimum payment than 2% minimum payment. I know it's not ideal but it could make his payments a lot lower just to give you some breathing space.

I just can't get my head around adding two more children in the mix when your own children are approaching the teen years and presumably forced to share, with no current possibility of moving. You've both been selfish here by adding two more and I think you both need to dig your heads out of the sand and figure out a way to actually provide for all of these children. I can't believe either of you are prioritising hobbies over your childrens welfare.

I think it’s no wonder you’re struggling a bit with so many kids. I’d sit down together, get your bank statements out and work out exactly what you have coming in and going out. enter it all into ChatGPT or claud and get it to do a budget. Include every single bill - Netflix, kids mobiles, hair cuts, schooL lunches, kids pocket money, debt, petrol etc. that should at least enable you to get a sense of where you are. You can also enter into ChatGPT expenses that are annual and it will work out the monthly cost of those eg car mot, service etc. or haircuts happen every 2 months and cost £100 for example.

Then use a joint account for bills if he will agree to that. Most of them now have savings pots so you can transfer out money monthly for Christmas/holiday/car costs etc so money can build up and sudden expenses won’t cause issues as the money is there. I use a savings pot for the food shop money - transfer at the beginning of the month and then transfer from there back into my bank account as I spend. You can keep some of your money as personal spends each and decide how much that should be based on how much is left over. I think you should include every single child related expense and make it generous otherwise you’re going to be dipping into your personal spending money to spend on the kids. then pay for swimming or soft play or whatever out of the joint account.

Where do you food shop? In your position I think I’d do Tesco online and build up points. It also means you can see exactly what you’re spending and can go and check what you have as you’re doing the list. Or if you go over budget you can juggle things around a bit. It’s a bit more expensive than Aldi/Lidl I think but does make it easier.

ETA I don’t think £230 in a week for 8 inc nappies is unreasonable but may be room for reducing a bit. ChatGPT suggests aiming for £225 per week, £200 main food shop, baby stuff £10, top ups £15.

I didn’t say don’t mention the kids, I questioned why you consider them the only issue and ignore his debt and hobby costs. Clearly you don’t have a logical answer though

How much is his hobby actually though - is a few payments of 30ish in a year it won’t have much impacts. Reducing a weekly food shop by £50 have a much more significant impact.

even without the two additional kids, 4 is a lot.

And sorry to say, but when you blended families you already had 4 children, whether they live with you or not is irrelevant, they need caring for, paying for, supporting through their education etc, and at any point living situations and schedules can change. Why on earth add two more in?! Crazy!

The snip is one of the most practical things they can do so it doesn't become 7.

We bring in a little under what you do with two adults, two working adult dc and no mortgage and things can somethings be a little tight. No wonder it’s a struggle with 6 young kids.

Obviously things will get easier as they get older but if you decide to have so many kids then you have to cut your cloth accordingly or live as frugal as possible right now.

Yes, of course you can't say no to them.

Why don't you post the shopping list OP.

I would be surprised if there was much in it you didn't need. I don't think that amount is huge for 8 people.

TBH Your DH needs to grow up.

Thats not really the point though is it? Its the principle of "i can spend money on my hobby but how dare you buy these nappies"

At least @MoonlitMabel wont be at risk of more children, I imagine she has the full on ick now from this man child 🤷‍♀️

It's the £500 debt that's the problem here. Blimey it's like some peoples mortgage!
Talk to step change, they are very good.

To give you an idea, we don't eat meat or fish, and I can feed 3 adults on £90 a week, including basic toiletries and cleaning supplies. I don't have to, but I can.
In the meantime, no hobby or luxury spends.
And yes, contact Stepchange for debt advice.

Still doesn’t help with current finances but you are closer at least. And I agree, for future proofing the snip is the best choice for all of them.

She has already explained this isn't just food but nappies, toiletries etc. I think she is doing well to get everything for £235 personally.

He must have had to pay maintenance before the girls came to live with them. This money should be being used to cover the extra expenditure their residence is now causing! And the remainder should go towards clearing his debt.

Surely with her husband choosing his hobby over nappies for his children her vag is clamped shut now anyways! No risk of more babies at least!

You made a decision to have the amount of children typical of 3 families.
Your food shop could probably be cut, hard to say as we don't know what you buy.
Your DP is crap at managing money. If he has debts and is not paying off his credit card each month, he is wasting money.

Well, can you post your sample shopping list.

I mean if this is a groceries issue, we need details. Because I think feeding 8 healthily on £235 including things like nappies is not outlandish spend.

There is something VERY wrong here.

We also have 6 children too. Husband is a vicar, he is paid a (pathetic) £2,390 month. (He works evening and weekends, so I can’t work at the moment). We manage on that and child benefit and we also pay our mortgage of £975, plus we pay all the regular bills.

I batch cook and stick to max £100 per week for food, but aim for more like £80 for each week. Lots of slow cooker food and porridge etc for breakfast mean this is easily do-able. (No meat, I buy dried lentils etc instead).

It doesn’t allow for lavish holidays, restaurants or trips, but it is does allow for basic food and necessities.

Even with his debt payments, I don’t understand how that much is disappearing!

Might it be worth thinking about watching some budgeting videos or trying cash envelopes? Or writing everything down to help see where it goes?
There also a fabulous show called ‘till debt do us part’ online where families are helped to budget. Fab show, old but very good!

These things helped me when I struggled to manage after my husband swapped to this having had normal employment with higher wages.

We know of a family with 12 children on the same vicar money as us, so I’m sure I could do better with what we have….
Yours is a massive income!!!

The point is, they’re not entitled to UC because her feckless partner has expensive hobbies he refuses to give up, debts and seemingly no clue what anything costs. They’re potentially entitled because they have six children and rent their home.

I agree that having six children without the financial means to support them is irresponsible, but regardless of my views on their family planning choices, they have six dependents who need feeding, clothing and keeping warm during one of the most economically challenging periods the UK has faced in decades. I don’t give a shiny shite about the parents, but the children shouldn’t suffer.

And besides, they’re both working, so why wouldn’t they apply if they’re struggling?

It’s all those children you keep having.