Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

Does your partner have children? Sorry just reread and I can see he doesn’t have kids.

How much more does he earn? Are we talking 30k vs 25k or 80k vs 15k?

No.

That’s absolutely ridiculous- I don’t think any reasonable person would be quibbling over the £80ish a month being spent on a child, that’s what it’s there for. Why does he need to access this?

The line about not seeing you as a proper family is manipulation also. He sounds controlling tbh.

Surely if the child benefit goes in then the things it buys - like the kids clothes, school lunches, clubs come out if the joint account too? Or is he thinking those things don't cost money?

Suggest that he has a point and all money received should go into a joint account. All wages, child benefit etc. All household expenses turn come out (including for your son) and you split what is left 50/50 as fun spending money.

He will reverse his suggestion quicker than you can possibly imagine.

He wants you to add more to the pot full stop. It doesn’t matter if it’s named child benefit or not. You need to renegotiate what is fair and reframe the discussion to what you pay in out of your total income vs your total costs.

I think your total income (including child benefit and maintenance) should be used to determine the monetary split to cover the bills (which should also take into account that your child contributes towards the bills).

Not clear from what you've posted how you arrived at the £1000/£650 split.

Absolutely not, next he will be asking for the child maintenance.

What does he say when you explain that if you put the child maintenance in, you would have to use the joint account for all DSs stuff that you currently pay for out of it and so the joint account would be no better off?

650 is cheap for a month of living ! Maybe you need to renegotiate your contributions.

I’m slightly on the fence with this. On the surface I would say it’s unreasonable of him as it looks like he’s just taking money from your DS but the argument on these types of threads is usually that since ‘your side’ of the household uses more resources as there are two people (you and DS)you should therefore proportionally increase your contribution. Obviously there are caveats with that in that it should still be done on a percentage basis but I do see where he’s coming from.

It would be useful to know the actual incomes in question though. If you’re on minimum wage and he earns £80k then that’s a different scenario.

This. If you were a "real family" this would be the setup, right?

I don't think this guy sounds like a life partner.

You can't possibly know from what OP has posted whether he will reverse his suggestion or not. It might leave him financially better off.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family.

This man you have chosen to inflict upon your son is a manipulator.

The child maintainence should be included. It is to cover the costs of the child like the bills

So if he is saying it all counts as income (fine) and you’re a family (fine) then yes, it can all go in there, but then also everything for your ds will come out of this joint account too. Fine.

or is he saying put it in, and use your own left over money for his clothes etc? Then not fine.

Bingo.

This man made an active decision to move in with a woman who had a child, and earned less than him.
He benefits from lower bills than if he lived alone.

He cant then be resentful that he lays more than half when using a third of the resources.

Does he realise that Child Benefit is only £25 a week?
Does he think it's more?

We used to pool all money and then everything came out of that pot. Equal free spend at the end of the day

provided that is what he wants then all money is counted as income

as other say / if he wants a share of that and then expects you to fund all ds stuff separately that sounds more off

being short on bills is stressful so be respectful of each other

The clue is in the name - its CHILD benefit. Child benefit and maintenance is for the child, not part of your income pot.

How you split the bills between yours and DP's income pots is between the two of you and its common to be proportionate to income (unless the disparity is huge) but the child's income is the child's even if the parent manages it.

Time to find a new address . His resentment of your ds will only get worse.

He's telling you that he's not happy with you not contributing equally and I think that's the issue, not the CB. Given your contribution is less but covers 2 of you, I can kind of see his point. Is there a reason why you can't put half in?

Do you pay your child maintenance into the joint account?

Ask him if there are other things that leave him feeling like he’s left out or not part of the family. There probably are. He might feel he doesn’t get enough attention or appreciation or something like that for example. If he can speak more about how he feels in general, maybe his focus on the money might just fade away.

He sounds a bit controlling, you should always have your own money, even if you do have a child with him. Child benefit is paid to you, it's yours regardless of who the dad is. If your partner is resenting your son for costing money you need to get rid of him (partner obvs) as he'll cost a lot more when he's older. Is your partner going to help with uni costs? Because his income will be counted for loan eligibility.